Almost all parents face this situation - the children have grown up and. Often in another city and even country. “Empty Nest Syndrome,” as psychologists call this condition, can cause one of the spouses to cause.
Here are some tips to help parents of separated children cope with this situation and their emotions.
"Empty Nest Syndrome", when the youngest of the children, following the brothers / sisters, leaves his father's house, can lead to anxiety, insomnia, nervous breakdown, increased anxiety. You can understand this state, because for many years it was noisy in the house, children were running around, parents were busy with their affairs, there were many worries. And now it all stopped, it began new stage in the lives of spouses.
It is very important to understand that there is nothing terrible in this! Adult children should be independent, live separately from their parents. On the contrary, according to psychologists, often parents have to push their children to the idea of moving and starting independent life. Our portal devoted an article to such a situation.
Therefore, moving children is not an evil at all, but a blessing! They got married/married, went to study or work elsewhere, got their own families and housing. This is completely normal. At one time, you also left your parental home and set off on a “free float”. This is the thought you need to focus on first.
Children still stay in touch, there are phones and the Internet. Set a rule - at least one call to parents daily, at a certain time. A couple of words: “How are you? Everything is fine? What's new?" - will help you stay in touch with the lives of adult children, maintain a close connection with them.
Remember that you are not only parents
Yes, you are married! Friends and lovers, though not as passionate as decades ago. Now you can devote much more time to the second half. Go to rest just the two of you, go to the theater and cinema, just to a cafe, sit together, as in the old days.
If only children connected the couple, then during this period they can part. According to psychologists, this is not so scary if there really is no love between spouses for a long time, and they just raised children together, “raised” them. Now it's time to think about yourself, new relationships are possible at any age.
If the spouses have retained mutual feelings, then it's time to remember them. Don't need to cook for the kids? Treat the two of you to something delicious that hasn't been cooked in a long time. Now no one will definitely interfere with watching your favorite series together. You may be surprised how much you miss each other, for romance, sweet communication, common jokes and memories.
Reminisce about past hobbies and hobbies
With the departure of children, parents have a lot of free time. It's time to remember that once you embroidered well and knew how to knit not only children's socks. You can also learn something new. For example, sign up for a dance class. Why not, there are dance clubs and groups for those who are "over 30". In addition, there are evenings for people of this age where they meet, communicate, and can dance to the music of their youth.
Don't forget your friends too. If they are now in the same position, it's time to communicate more often, coping with the “empty nest syndrome” together and remembering what parties you threw before the birth of children.
Assess the benefits of the new position
Yes, indeed, there are many advantages to your position. Now you only need to cook for two, food costs are significantly reduced, you can save money by saving money for travel. No need to clean up the mess in the nursery, where even teenagers managed to pretty much litter and make a mess.
There is silence in the house, cleanliness, washing has become much less ... Are these not pluses? Again, a lot of time freed from household chores can be used with great sense, for your favorite activities and hobbies. Put a plus sign where you saw only a minus! In the end, your children are doing well, they do not need your constant care.
Don't radically change your life
Psychologists warn that it is not necessary to radically change your life immediately after the move of children. Some parents have a desire, for example, to sell an apartment and move to a dacha to live there permanently. Or change housing to a more modest one, or move after the children to another city. Do not hurry! Give yourself time to get used to the new position, do not get excited.
Such decisions cannot be made when the concerns about the children's departure are still fresh. You may regret what you did later. Live for the time being together in the same place, without radically changing the environment, habits and place. Children will come to visit, grandchildren will appear, who will be “thrown” to you for the holidays. And it turns out that everything is not bad, life goes on and goes on as usual.
"Empty Nest Syndrome" - a normal condition! There are parents he passes, yes. According to reviews, some, on the contrary, were very happy to be left alone, marrying / remarrying all their children. But still, in more than half of the parents, this condition manifests itself to one degree or another. Especially for mothers.
If you are worried about the fact that children now have their own life, separate from you, use the advice of psychologists. Give yourself time to come to your senses and positively perceive the new stage of your life. You are still quite young and there are many beautiful days ahead.
To accept that a beloved child is now responsible for himself and his life himself is really not easy. But one should show wisdom and rejoice for a dear person. Free time can be spent on many other things.
Peace, only peace! We do not mourn anyone, and we will only cry from happiness, because our children have become adults, have got their own families, and everything is fine with them. Well, you might think that they no longer live with us, but we still haven’t become less close and dear to them. And now let's try to make the burning tears shed due to the fact that a beloved chick flew away from its parent's nest, a life-giving stream that washes away sadness and brings relief.
WHAT IS THE EMPTY NEST SYNDROME?
Of course, the birth of a child is the happiest moment in a woman's life. It is at this moment that she begins to play her main role - the role of a mother. Diapers, undershirts, the first smile and such a long-awaited word "mother", then textbooks and notebooks, school, institute. In the whirlwind of events - successes and failures, joys and experiences - many mothers forget about themselves, and remember only that they need to feed and protect their chicks. And now the chicks grew up, fledged and waved their wings to their mothers. All. The nest is empty. There are no usual duties. The house is quiet and somehow empty. There was a lot of free time. And out of nowhere the question arose: where, in fact, to put this free time? Because of the feeling of loss and emptiness, some ladies begin to actively interfere in the lives of their adult children. And here lies a serious danger.
A mother-in-law to a son-in-law is not a comrade, a mother-in-law to a daughter-in-law is not a friend
"Vasya, Vasya! Did you eat? Don't forget to wear a scarf, otherwise you'll catch a cold! - the phrase is by no means from a joke. A huge number of young daughters-in-law complain about the excessive guardianship of mothers-in-law over their “little” sons. The mother-in-law can call her son every hour, come every Aen, constantly criticize her wife’s cooking and, as if by the way, sighing sadly, say: “Well, what a miserable hostess you got! That's when I lived at home, and there were no problems. Psychologists believe that mothers of sons suffer more from the "empty nest" syndrome, since in this case, family ties are also strengthened by the "man - woman" connection. As a result, the mother may develop a competitive spirit, and then the daughter-in-law from the princess for the prince turns into an unloved frog. A similar scenario, when a child leaves his father's house, is certainly possible for the daughter's mother. If mommy is considering young man as the kidnapper of his girl, it can be difficult to overcome the feeling of hostility. In this situation, parents need to mentally go back several decades and remember with what joy they themselves built a new “cell of society” in their youth. And also remember how they were outraged by the intervention of older comrades-parents. And it is also necessary to understand that the feeling of possessiveness in relation to children is absolutely useless.
Children are very fond of communicating with their grandmothers - after all, they need a lot of attention, and grandmothers are ready to devote much more time to their grandchildren than working parents.
LET'S DANCE AND MAYBE DRAW
The second half of life is a wonderful age. Life experience, fulfilled maternal duties and a lot of free time. With this beautiful luggage, it's time to go to new life, in which you can do what your soul has always lay in, but your hands have not reached. For example, open your own business, actively engage in social work, or simply enroll in some courses. Why not learn passionate tango or take up choral singing? Imagine the admiring eyes of children when family holiday their beautiful and energetic mother will surprise everyone with her talents. You can do needlework, photography, modeling, take up a brush. Many women who have artistic inclinations, but do not have in the recent past to develop these inclinations, can devote themselves entirely to realizing their previously hidden opportunities. By the way, you can draw not only on canvas, but also on silk.
Remember, by finding a hobby you like, you will become happier, calmer and more interesting for your children. And even if they live not in the next entrance, but on the other side of the world, your children will contact you much more often by phone or the Internet if you share joyful impressions with them, and not grumble and complain about life.
BECAUSE GRANDS LOVE MORE CHILDREN
Grandchildren can become a real outlet for a woman whose nest has fluttered her beloved chick. If the newly-made grandmother sends her caress and care to harmonious development and raising babies, then everyone will be happy. Teach your grandchildren to speak, read, count, tell them about the world order. Try learning foreign languages with your kids. Learn all sorts of methods by which a baby should be developed, and feel free to offer your participation in the upbringing of offspring. Only not obsessively-aggressively, from the position: “I know better”, but calmly and delicately. Well, if there are no descendants yet or they live far away, and you really want to take care of the little man, there is another option: in the baby houses or orphanages, volunteers are always welcome who are ready to help the kids.
When the children have grown up, it is time for the spouses to look at each other again, fall in love and start a new life. Joint sports, a common hobby will only strengthen the relationship.
WE WANT IT OR NOT, BUT OUR CHILDREN GROW UP. THEM BECOMES CLOSELY IN THE WORLD CREATED BY US. AND IF WE PLAN TO STAY WITH THEM IN ETERNAL SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIP, WE SHOULD UNDERSTAND THEM AND RELEASE THEM IN TIME.
Research shows that pets can provide much more moral support. better people, are excellent antidepressants and improve our well-being. Perfectly reasonable reasons to have a furry friend!
LONELINESS: A PROBLEM OR A STATE OF SOUL?
If a person, after the children leave their father's house, suffers from loneliness, but does nothing to become interesting, necessary and useful to other people, then in fact the situation does not depress him much. If he really is exhausted from the feeling of his own lack of demand and loneliness, then he will fight for his happiness: he will begin to build social contacts with people, learn to pay more attention to himself, and find something to his liking.
PAWS, WINGS AND TAILS
Another way to distract yourself from the oppressive loneliness and cope with a decadent mood is as simple as two and two, but at the same time very effective.
Our smaller friends are real devoted helpers who will fill the emptiness, both domestic and spiritual. Get a cat or a dog, teach a parrot to speak. Any pet that appears in your house will not let you get bored!
LET'S JOIN HANDS, FRIENDS!
plunging into family life, we, as a rule, cease to communicate closely even with best friends. Once again, arrange gatherings, go shopping, go to the movies. And then we call each other less and less, because there is no time. And now communication completely disappears, contacts are lost. Where are our friends now? And, in fact, what prevents you from finding your classmates and classmates and finding out how they are doing. It is quite possible that such a laughing girlfriend will emerge from a former life who will give you a shoulder and brighten up loneliness. Communicate, do not lock yourself in - this is the most important thing! Communication with people, firstly, makes it possible to talk about your problems, and this will make it easier for you. And secondly, you can jointly figure out how to overcome melancholy and start enjoying life again. It is quite possible that even among casual acquaintances real friends will be found. Try to find a "support group" online. If you are not very familiar with the World Wide Web, ask your children to organize an educational program for you - let them show you how to find the sites you need, register you in popular in social networks and help your beloved mother to find new circle communication.
SECOND WIND OF LOVE
The most important role in overcoming the "empty nest" syndrome is played by the relationship between spouses. Often women forget about their husbands, devoting themselves entirely to children. Volumes have been written about what all this results in. If the relationship between spouses is warm and respectful, then the feeling of loneliness due to the relocation of children will unite them even more. The absence of children will help parents to look at each other in a new way and, perhaps, even relive a whirlwind romance, as they once did before. The second one will start Honeymoon, and no one will prevent a mature couple from feeling like happy newlyweds.
However, sometimes life develops in such a way that for various reasons a woman does not have a spouse, and by the time the children leave their father's house, she remains completely alone. In such a situation, it will be even harder for her. But again, you can look at it from the other side: now you are not burdened by anything, so try to arrange your personal life! The first and most essential step is to start paying more attention to your appearance than before, learn to listen to your body. Sign up for a gym, do yoga. you will change into better side not only externally, but also internally, and then a meeting with an interesting man will not take long.
FORWARD TO THE FUTURE
In one of Boris Akunin's books, the protagonist, who reached the age limit of 50, decided to make a plan for the next five years. You can also use this move: think about how you would like to live and look in 5, 10.15 years. And don't be afraid to dream and show healthy selfishness! Add your cherished goals to the list and boldly proceed to their implementation. Remember, we are programming ourselves, and to be happy or unhappy is only a matter of our choice! And one more tip: keep a diary and write down all your thoughts every day. After some time, the longing that you pour out on the pages will begin to weaken, and who knows, maybe literary talent will wake up in you.
Most Russian women are very altruistic. They often forget that it is necessary to love not only others, but also themselves. That is why many mothers are so in need of the external love of already grown children, in confirmation of their relevance, that is why they grab hold of the "flying chicks" so much. Calm down, praise yourself for having raised and educated your children, let them fly and live for your own pleasure. You have done a great job and deserve a good reward!
ATTENTION! All recipes are for reference only. Before use, consult with your doctor!
"My suffering would be insignificant if I could describe it, but I will not even try. I look everywhere for my dear daughter and cannot find her. My daughter, love me constantly: my soul lives on your love. You make up all my joys and all my sufferings. When I think that the rest of my life will pass away from you, this life seems to me covered with melancholy and darkness. Friends want to prevent me from thinking about you, and this offends me.
From the letters of Madame de Sevigne.
About a third of parents, mostly mothers, suffer from what is called "empty nest syndrome." This is a form of depression that leads to feelings of abandonment and emptiness when children leave home. Their departure brings a mixture of joy, happiness, pride, but also sadness and anxiety. How to get through this difficult period?
The departure of children from the parental home is one of the key stages in the life of a family. This is the beginning of a new chapter in the life of parents, this is a very difficult moment, as the parental function, and especially the motherly one, is transforming and becoming less in demand. The mission to "protect the child" ends at this point. The feeling of emptiness that occurs after the separation of an adult child has never been so strong, because in modern society children are always in the center family relations. This period brings anxiety and stress, because you have to learn to let go, and not control their lives. This is natural and expected.
We must bear in mind in advance that our children will one day be life without us. They don't belong to us. Our task is to educate them so that they can live away from their parents. You can start preparing your child for an independent life in advance, while he is still studying at the institute or finishing school, this will help both you and him to survive the separation a little easier in the future. In this case, children become less dependent and more independent, which also usually causes anxiety in parents, but to a much lesser extent than a sudden move.
So that life does not stop after the departure of children, it is important even before this event to discover your interests and comfort separately from them. Having a profession, personal hobbies, a circle of acquaintances, hobbies, and not filling all your living space with children - then separation will be easier. If, for example, a mother is in a strong symbiotic relationship with a child, does not have her own personal life, other important relationships, activities, then moving will cause fear, anxiety, a feeling of emptiness, perhaps even resentment or anger. It is very difficult to deal with such experiences alone. And here it is important to understand that the child did not disappear anywhere, did not disappear and did not reject you, but there was an increase in the distance in your relationship, but you also have the opportunity to communicate, meet, see each other. Without separation, further development is impossible, neither yours nor your children. The most important thing you could do, you have already done.
Children, in turn, may feel guilty when they leave their parents, especially the youngest or only ones. Parents also have their own experience of separation, and it is important that they remember and analyze the experiences that arose when their independent life began. After all, the reaction to the departure of children directly depends on how the parents experienced a similar situation at one time, or, for example, they may not have such an experience, and then they have to deal with something for the first time.
couple, in connection with the departure of the children, they have to return to relationships with each other. If the family system had previously functioned at all levels, that is, the relationships between mother and child, father and child, and mother and father were well established, then this situation will be less traumatic. If, for some reason, the relationship between mom and dad was not established by this moment, then after changing the composition of the family, they will have to meet each other as if anew, without the context of active care for the child. It's not easy either. A lot of time and effort goes into finding new common ground in a relationship.
IN in any case, no matter how hard it is, try to find joy, pride in your son or daughter, they are starting a new stage in life, exciting and interesting, and they may need your support.
The easier you can let go, the easier it will be for them to turn to you for help or do something for you, and then the relationship will become even stronger and more trusting, and not vice versa, as it seems at first glance - more distant and colder.
Being near does not mean loving, and being at a distance does not mean neglecting
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For many years, parents have been raising their children, striving to do everything for them so that they become independent and successful people. And with the onset of the moment when the children finally become independent, parents should calm down and start living for themselves, but often everything is completely different.
When children, like chicks, leave their native nest, emptiness settles in the parental hearts. Yes, parents now have a lot of free time, but for some reason there is no desire to somehow spend it for their own benefit, because thoughts remain with their beloved children. It is this phenomenon that is called in the “empty nest syndrome”, which is characteristic mainly of mothers, but fathers are not immune from it either.
Why is separation from children painful?
The very fact that the house becomes “empty” causes in the parental hearts not only a feeling of emptiness, but also of uselessness. Parents stop seeing, although not so long ago they thought that their children would grow up, and there would be an opportunity to do things that they never had time for.
According to the results of surveys among parents whose children have recently started living separately, it turned out that more than 50% of parents, mostly mothers, would like to lead a life together again. About 85% of fathers accept the fact of separation relatively easily. At the same time, about 30% of mothers dream that their children, when they create their own family, will return to their father's house or invite them to their place.
In most cases, parting with children is painfully perceived by women who did not work and only raised children, because their main occupation was education. At the same time, they experience a feeling of uselessness and uselessness. In addition, the condition can be complicated by menopause, mood swings, and worries about the health of their own parents.
If we talk specifically about Russian parents, then the children leaving the “nest” coincides, as a rule, with the period of a midlife crisis for parents, which is why many families are at risk of disintegration (divorce). The fact is that the attention of fathers and mothers shifts to each other, which often causes disagreements between them. Spouses can simply come to understand that during the time that was devoted to raising children, they have changed and become strangers to each other; all ties between them disappeared and continued life together meaningless.
However, serious changes can occur in the lives of children who have left home. Despite the fact that the beginning of an independent life is perceived by them easier, they are not immune from emotional problems. Many of the young people and girls are simply not able to properly live on their own.
But the topic of children's independence moves away from the main topic of our today's article, so we will continue to talk about the empty nest syndrome, namely, about how the emptiness that has arisen in the house and, most importantly, in the heart can be filled.
How to "fill the void"?
In Western practice, there are situations when couples who experience empty nest syndrome adopt another child - a preschooler or younger school age; in some cases, they take the baby. Sometimes even a decision is made to have another child. But such a decision, firstly, must be made deliberately and emotions should not take place in its adoption, and secondly, this does not at all save parents from the appearance of the empty nest syndrome in the future. So it makes sense to consider other ways to "fill the void."
So, what can you do to overcome empty nest syndrome?
Attention to the second half
As we have already said, it is not uncommon for spouses who have lived together for decades and raised children, after the children leave, they realize that they are practically strangers to each other, and there are no common topics for conversation or common activities. This is an indicator that the time has come to give all your attention to the second half. You can, for example, start organizing walks or trips to restaurants. In 2008, scientists conducted a study, the results of which showed that the degree of satisfaction with marriage will be with spouses if they have the desire, time and strength to strengthen relationships.
If the parent had to raise children alone, it is likely that he did not have time to take care of himself and his personal life. With the departure of children from home, it is time to make up for what has been missed. You can at least start communicating with a large number of people and get to know new ones, which will allow you to look at yourself or yourself from a new angle.
Sports
It is known for certain that it has an extremely beneficial effect on emotional state and mood, regardless of the cause of its deterioration. Training and physical activity are the first things that parents refuse after the birth of children. But at the moment when the children have grown up and no longer need parental care, the time comes when God himself ordered to take care of his body.
In the same case, if there is someone else whose "nest" is also empty, you can start going to the same workouts together. It's more fun, and you can give to another person good advice. In addition, communication may become more frequent, and this will serve as another reason to leave the “nest”, in which there are no “chicks”.
Playing sports is very beneficial and old age, for which water aerobics or yoga is very well suited. In turn, such physical exercise will become an incentive for exclusion from life, for example, eating unhealthy foods or smoking.
Time to rest
Time, which now no longer needs to be devoted to anyone or anything urgent, can be successfully devoted to rest. It is very useful and effective to simply do nothing for a while: rest, think and not engage in any activity.
After the birth of children, rest for many parents becomes something ephemeral and almost unreal, because caring for and raising children is associated with an incredible amount of work and worries, from changing diapers and going to bed to preparing for school and teaching the mind. With the departure of the children adulthood and that long-awaited time comes when you can really reward yourself for all the years devoted to the child.
If you take a short break for doing nothing, you can, firstly, relax physically, and secondly, reflect on life, adapt to changes, think about what you could do in the future.
And if happiness comes into life from a new sense of freedom, it's just wonderful. But if sadness overcomes, then one should not despair here, because. it is just a reaction to sudden and rapid changes in life. Rest will help to deal with mental anguish, and will make it clear that sadness, melancholy or depression are not connected at all with the fact that the beloved child left his father's house, but with the fact that, perhaps, some plans and plans were not realized in life. . And this is the time to do what you wanted to do all your life.
Hobbies and hobbies
Empty nest syndrome can be successfully overcome by devoting time to some hobby or hobby. Now, being freed from the worries and troubles of raising a child, you can finally learn to play the guitar, master computer skills, sign up for a gym or in general (by the way, the practice of traveling in pre-retirement and retirement age very common in the west).
If there is something that captivates you, it must be found. As a result, it will be possible to spend time, and get distracted from thoughts, and broaden your horizons, and do much more. To find a new hobby, it is recommended to watch educational programs, go out more often and visit new places, communicate with a large number of people and expand your social circle. Doing all this is not at all difficult, and the result will be simply amazing.
The empty nest syndrome is by no means a sentence dooming to eternal suffering. This is just a mental reaction to life changes. It is quite easy to overcome it - you just need to understand that life goes forward, children have the right to be independent and no longer depend on their parents, and from now on you yourself have a great opportunity to devote time to yourself and expand your boundaries.
Therefore, do not grieve, and, as they say, do not keep the birds - let them fly!
The empty nest syndrome is a condition most commonly experienced by mothers who have lost their children due to the move of the latter.
There comes a time when it is time for grown children to start an independent life. But the mother's loving heart is unable to come to terms with this, and now and then begins to remind her of her existence.
In order not to bring your children into a state of increased propensity for infantilism, it is necessary to gradually, drop by drop, squeeze out a guardian mother and become a friend and wise adviser for a son or daughter, but nothing more.
At all stages of raising children that accompany their growing up, you are always there. All the scratches, the first abrasions, quarrels with classmates - it is you who help the child cope with all this.
It is difficult to give up all this overnight, but it is simply necessary. That is why you need to urge your chicks yourself to fly out of your cozy “nest”.
This will allow the mother to quickly get used to the idea that the children have already grown up and better prepare mentally for this. And for the children themselves, such a decision will serve as a useful service in terms of increasing independence and independence.
The first difficult stage on the thorny path of life is the end of school. Faced with the need to find a place of study, many families deliberately go as far as possible from home.
Children are looking for independence, which so far is expressed exclusively in spending parental money.
Parents are starting to get used to the fact that their a little boy or the girl has grown up and must tread her own paths through the ferocious mountain peaks of life. 
After university, many remain in the cities where they graduated from their alma mater, and therefore separation from the parental home is already becoming a natural state.
In the event that the child returns home, this period is better not to drag out for a long time, so as not to have further problems. Re-adjusting to the "empty nest", you know, is an even more difficult process and can have more painful consequences.
If the parents failed to release their children in time for free swimming, or flying, if you like, then it is likely that they will continue to interfere in their lives with their valuable advice.
At the same time, the value of the advice itself is highly debatable, but parents continue to want to take an active part in the life of their offspring.
They would already be glad to indulge their own bumps on the path of life, but a strong paternal hand and warm motherly hugs still do not let them go.
In the case of the relationship "mother-in-law - daughter-in-law" and "son-in-law - mother-in-law", such interference in the life of their children was completely publicized in many folklore creations. It is not for nothing that a million anecdotes are compiled dedicated to the annoying, at times, participation of parents in the lives of their grown children.
From a biological point of view, such attachment does not seem normal at all. All living beings act according to a strictly designated pattern, according to which they take care of the child only until the moment when he is unable to provide for himself.
In the animal kingdom, this moment comes when young predators no longer need the advice of adults to hunt on their own. Once the line is drawn, no one tries to cross it.
Moreover, most species profess a mode of existence in which they do not know at all what is happening to their children after they leave the notorious nest. Only people for some reason strive to take part in everything and take care of their children to the last.
The funny thing is that mothers and fathers who act in this way firmly believe that they will have someone to give them a glass of water in their old age. However, such a close attitude and guardianship often lead to quarrels already at a mature age for children.
This is especially acute in relations with grown-up sons, who are not attracted by the prospect of becoming "" in the eyes of friends and acquaintances. That is why relationships with parents are constantly strained.
Things are easier with girls. They sometimes come to their mother for advice, even having their own children for a long time. Sometimes they just need maternal care. However, in no case should you overdo it.
Parents should not be inquisitive and persistent. A daughter can open the veil of secrecy, but the mother should look behind this veil only as much as she is allowed to. Only then can you save a good relationship with kids.
Many couples, having raised children, decide to have another child. And if physiological abilities still allow, they switch all their attention to this child, which helps them get used to the thought better. about the previous batch of "grown chicks".
It is this baby that again fills their house with laughter and mischief, and if adult children give grandchildren to their parents, then the empty nest syndrome disappears completely.
In parallel with the education of his own small child, married couple turns into loving grandmother and grandfather, and this is already happiness, whatever one may say!
