Children's grievances, or how to teach a child to forgive. "I was offended": how to teach a child to forgive Games for touchy children

Resentment ... Not the best condition that spoils life. If you notice that your child is constantly offended, even at the slightest pretext, you need to take action. When he grows up, he will be constantly dissatisfied with something. Remember, it is very difficult for touchy people in life, because the world is unfair and you need to look at everything a little easier. Constant resentment only upsets the balance of life, it leads to depression, and other negative emotions. Your baby is increasingly pouting, it's time to act!

Develop the child

Many mothers notice that babies from 2 to 5 years old begin to cry after each remark. They are offended by their mother, who does not allow them to eat candy, scolds them for coming to the sockets.

Psychologist advice!The child is not yet a fully mature person, so he cannot be limited in everything. a very important step to go through.

As paradoxical as it sounds: you need a minimum of bans, then there will be an excellent result. Decide what really matters to you, set clear rules for the child, tell him how to behave. Be sure to calmly explain to him what is allowed and what is not.

For example, it is forbidden to eat the entire box of chocolates, because the stomach may get sick, but you can treat others. The child will like to give out sweets, and he himself will eat less.

Are you afraid that the child will get his feet wet during the rain? You should not go all the way to him and grumble: "Don't jump in puddles, step over them!". Just buy bright rubber boots, and you will be calm and your child will have fun. But, forbid touching a hot kettle, stove, socket and other dangerous objects, tell them that it hurts a lot.

Fantasize! Mother first of all should be wise. With screams, aggression, you will greatly offend the child. You don't need to bring it up to . Don't want to go to bed at 9 o'clock? Offended that you spent little time on him? To dissolve resentment, you need to try to put to sleep in game form: turn into a horse, a flying ship, put the child on his back and take him to the crib.

Remember, children are sensitive individuals, so make time for them!

Resentment against peers

When a child grows up, he begins to take offense at his peers. Most often this happens due to a refusal to communicate: they don’t share toys, they constantly tease.

In specific situations, children behave differently: one child calmly resolves the conflict, the other is angry, and the third is completely offended. During resentment, the child completely turns away, does not want to talk to others. The child has a feeling of inferiority. By refusing to communicate, by being silent, the child wants to draw attention to himself and cause guilt in the offender.

How can you increase your child's self-esteem?

Please note that children's resentment is situational, immediate. Toddlers do not think about their experiences for a long time, they quickly forget about them. What should an adult do in this situation? Surround the child with love, understanding, care that the child needs. Do not try to leave the child without attention, otherwise he will hold a grudge.

children school age you need to constantly praise for a drawing, a learned rhyme, crafts, for help in cleaning and other matters. It is forbidden to compare your child with others, otherwise he will begin to compete. It is better to draw parallels with his achievements.

Family grievances in a child

Not only the mother should devote time to the baby, but also the father. He must constantly tell his son about his strength, and his daughter about beauty. If this is not the case, the child will have low self-esteem. Five-year-old children may be offended by their mother: "Why are you only working, you don't need me?". Do not think that the child is spoiled, therefore he is naughty, he just lacks attention and love. You must do everything together.

Unfortunately, adult life is quite complicated - a lot of worries, troubles, because of which we miss the most important thing - that children need parents. Let you spend some time with your child, for sure, you will have a free hour, but it will be nice.

Adult mistakes! Some mothers, sitting on maternity leave, do not work at all, but they have many other activities - chat on the phone with girlfriends, sit in in social networks, but they constantly attack and scream at the child, he prevents them from relaxing. The question is, how much have you grown up to a child? Why did they have a child to run around him? Maybe it was necessary to first run around the discos, walk up, and then think about the child!

On real mom, even if she works hard, the child will never be offended. They always have interesting common activities - role-playing games, reading books, cooking dinner together with baking muffins, making dumplings and peeling vegetables for borscht.

Important! If you put your soul into your children, the result is in the face. You will not have further problems with behavior, the baby will grow cheerful and positive.

social grievances

Teach your child to protect himself

Constantly tell the baby that he should not be offended and cry. If he was pushed, hit, you need to give change, otherwise he will be constantly offended. Of course, you don’t need to bring up a fighter with, but your child must be able to fend for himself.

I want, I want, I want everything, how to fight?

Some children have several toys, and they understand that their parents do not have money, so they do not ask for anything. But parents indulge many children: there are a lot of baskets with toys at home, there is everything from dolls, cars, ending with a designer, puzzles. The child still does not stop, and asks for something new.

Here you can’t swear and refuse sharply, otherwise the child will fall into , gotta get smart! Calmly explain that he has toys, only they are hidden. And sort the toys yourself into different baskets and constantly change them so that the child walks with something new.

Dear parents, do not take children's grievances as something insignificant. For a child, resentment is a whole tragedy that can end. You must be wise, cunning and smart. Love and appreciate your children!

Each of us is offended by someone from time to time, but even an adult cannot remain in this state for a long time, since the offended person really suffers. And for the child, everything is much more serious - frequent grievances can develop complexes and fears in the baby ...

The task of parents is to teach their child understanding and forgiveness so that resentment does not complicate his life in the future. What to do if your child began to pout regularly, tells Elena Lewis, manager of the children's development center Gymboree Play & Music in Khamovniki.

Between the ages of two and five, any prohibition from parents and other adults can cause resentment. Mom doesn't let me sit in a puddle, doesn't let me eat the whole box of chocolates, doesn't let me touch the hot stove...

This is where keeping restrictions to a minimum comes in handy. Decide what is really important to you, set clear rules for yourself and your child, explain them to your baby and strictly follow them. First of all, these rules should concern the safety and health of the child. Explain to the child why you do not allow him something, and offer an alternative. You can’t eat the whole box of sweets, because your tummy will hurt, but you can take a few and treat the rest of your relatives. You can’t jump on the water in light boots, because your feet will get wet and you will have to go home, but you can put on rubber boots and take a walk through the puddles to your heart's content. But a hot stove should never be touched, because it is very, very painful.

Use your imagination: the child is crying and does not want to go to bed, the restriction “sleep at 9 o'clock” sincerely offends him - after all, you can still spend so much time playing with your beloved mother! To dissolve the resentment, pretend to be a horse or a dinosaur, invite the baby to climb onto your back and get to the bed that way. Children experience a wide range of feelings than adults. But sometimes parents do not attach much importance to this.

I'm getting older

From the age of 3-4, children begin to complain about their peers, demand attention, get upset because of the negative assessment of adults. This can be caused by insufficient attention from the communication partner, a refusal to do something desired and necessary: they didn’t give the promised toy, refuse a gift or treat, disrespect from others - lack of praise, superiority and success of peers, teasers.

But all these forms of children's resentment are still situational, immediate in nature - kids do not "go in cycles" in experiences and forget them very quickly. At such moments, adults need to show even more care, understanding and love, which the child so badly needs. Do not leave the baby unattended in the hope that he himself will stop being offended if his feelings are not reacted to. This is the way to "fix" resentment.

To prevent resentment at this difficult age, be sure to praise the baby for a well-told poem, plasticine or paper crafts, drawings, participation in cleaning the apartment, etc. However, in no case should you compare him with other children, so as not to cause feelings of competition. If we make a comparison, then only with the previous achievements of the baby: yesterday, last week, a month ago, etc.
In addition, try to explain to the child that the assessment of other people (including parents) is not always true and this is not a reason for resentment. Each person has his own point of view, he has the right to it. And in no case should you be offended because of this.

New turn

At the age of five, there are already new reasons for all sorts of grievances. Children are often offended by their mother: “You rarely play with me!”, “You are only at work all the time!” Such whims do not at all mean that your child is spoiled, but are a signal of your lack of care and attention. It is very important to regularly dedicate enough time to joint activities. Behind our adult worries and troubles, we often forget about the most important thing - how much our children need us, despite the fact that at the age of five they already seem so self-sufficient.

Let the time that you spend together be short, but it should belong only to you and your baby: neither phone nor email let us distract you from joint activities. Set certain hours when you belong only to the child. You can devote this time to “going out” or, for example, cooking dinner with your daughter or son, role playing or reading books in the crib, etc. If something constantly distracts you at home and you feel that you are unable to fully communicate, you can go with your child to creative developmental classes (today, children's centers conduct joint master classes and classes that can be interesting for both children and adults). In these classes, you turn off the phone, relax - and find a lot of common ground with your child. Remember: as soon as we begin to invest our strength, our soul in the development of a small person, the results are not long in coming.

Social resentment

After five years, peers can become the main object of resentment. The child is very acutely worried that he was ignored: they were not accepted into the game, they refused to play what he himself wants. Therefore, it is very important in the preschool period to teach him to negotiate with others. After all, at school, and then in adult life he will have to contact different people and diplomatic skills will come in very handy. Here, involvement in group work on a common project, games with several participants can help. These games can be played in kindergarten and at home (if you have the skill of communicating with a crowd of kids) or at special creative classes, where the baby can go additionally.

As he grows up, the little person begins to understand that there are other people besides him with their own desires and whims, and whether he wants it or not, he will have to adapt to them. With an understanding of this, the prohibitions of adults will no longer be perceived so sharply.

I want a new car!

There are many reasons to be offended by the world around you. And you can’t do without tricks in education! For example, you could, more than once, encounter such a situation: the children's room is full of toys, and the child asks for "another car." Try to calmly explain to him why you will not buy it. If beliefs do not work, connect creativity: so that the toys do not become boring to the child, you can put some of them in the closet, and after a while they will seem new again.

Often behind a request to buy something is not just a desire to get a new doll or car, but an attempt to attract the attention of an adult. Invite your child to take a walk in the park together, play longer on the playground, go to the cinema, arrange some unusual game at home - most likely, he will forget about the toy from the store.

Who is more offended?

It is said that children from incomplete families or those who grew up in a large family - in this case, the younger and older are always competing, offended by each other. In fact, the composition of the family plays a secondary role in this case. More touchy are impressionable children and children with a mobile nervous system, as well as babies who receive little attention from their parents.

Similar difficulties can be seen in large families and families with one child, in full or with one parent.

More important is the atmosphere in the house and the model of interaction between the baby and adults.

How to react?

What to do if the child is offended and closed in on himself? Talk to him! Often children try to hide their feelings from their parents so as not to upset them again, or they are afraid to get under hot hand. But you still have to figure it out, as the constant suppression of grievances can cause an emotional outburst.

Invite your child to punch a pillow or go together to a breathtaking amusement park, ride a bike, or just play actively on the playground. The child should not be left alone with his grievances. The younger the child, the easier it is to get out of the state of resentment.

Important!

It is necessary that not only the mother devote time to the child, but also the father actively participates in his life. If dad does not tell his son how strong and smart the boy is, and his daughter how beautiful she is, then the children may subsequently suffer from low self-esteem.

So that the problem of resentment begins to go away ...

If a child is often offended by other children, then, starting to analyze the situation, as a rule, you can see a curious moment. These children have an extremely small repertoire of possible reactions. In other words, they don't know how to react differently. Or they know but haven't tried it.

Why? Because the familiar is somehow safer, and the new is fraught with potential danger (won't it be worse?). Therefore, the greatest service that adults can provide to a touchy child is to expand the palette of his possible reactions.

1. REJECTION OF GENERALIZATIONS. Often from a touchy child you can hear "Everyone offends me." This is called generalization (generalization). And any generalizations need to be broken down to the part in which they become concrete.

In this case, you need to clarify: “Does Masha offend? No? And Sasha? And Danya? And Katya? Name first those who, most likely, do not offend the child. Thus, you and he will come to the conclusion that not everyone offends, but some.

The habit of thinking in generalities is bad because it blocks the possibility of action. If everyone is against, then you won’t defeat everyone, but you can only try to hide and run away. If there are only a few offenders, then something can be done about it!

2. DIRECT APPLICATION. This is something that should take an important place in the repertoire of reactions. Teach your child that if someone says something that offends them, they should express their feelings directly. For example: “I don’t like it when you say that (do that). Please don’t… (call names, push, laugh, take away)”.

Also teach him to pause and look at the reaction. With a high probability, the other child will respond and stop doing what could offend. This method helps to get out of the situation without resentment and at the same time defend yourself.

3. IGNORE. If direct appeal does not help, you need to have other ways of action. For example, do not notice the offender.

The fact is that touchy children sooner or later become targets for more active and angry-tongued peers. Telling them "I don't like it" doesn't help, because that's what they're after. Realizing this, you need to act differently.

For example, try to play your favorite song at full volume in your head, which will “muffle” the bullying of the offender. Or imagine that the offender is not here (but not vice versa, otherwise you will get another flight!).

However, not all children can use ignoring. It is difficult for impulsive, emotional children. They, trying to ignore, quickly break into a scream or a fight. But what older child the more effectively he can apply this method.

4. EXCUSES. Method for preschoolers and younger students. And in the future, only in more "perfect", sarcastic versions.

So, excuses are what you can quickly and automatically answer if you are offended by a word. For example: “Whoever calls himself that, he himself is called that”; “Black box office, I have the key, whoever calls names - on himself!”; "There was a crocodile, swallowed your word, and left mine." If there is a direct name-calling, for example: “Incompetent”, you need to answer: “Hello, Incompetent, nice to meet you. And my name is Ilya.

5. "THREE-STEP METHOD". If resentment is combined with aggressive actions, you need to teach the child a three-step method for delaying physical reactions. This is suitable if someone, in the child's opinion, is trying to piss him off with words or actions.

First step. Say: “I don’t like what you say (or do).” You need to say this in a firm tone, without capricious "weak" intonations. Be sure to practice this at home. Tone is important.
Second step. If the attacks continue, you need to say: “I feel bad. If you don't stop, I'll hit you." True, in relation to girls is not suitable.
Third step. If the offender continues despite the warning, you can hit him.

When using this method, aggressive manifestations will be much less. And the child will learn to remain relatively calm.

6. OTHERS ARE INTERESTING. A touchy child is too self-centered. It seems to him that everyone around him is only busy looking at him critically. It is as if he is surrounded by mirrors on all sides: he sees not others, but his own distorted reflections.

It is necessary to develop in him a real interest in other children. And for this he must see them, get to know them better. Agree with a kindergarten teacher or a teacher at school, let them give the child the task of “creating a portrait” of one of the children. Find out, for example, what that child likes from food, what cartoons he watches, what he is afraid of, what he does not like.

Yourself ask more personal questions about other children to your child, reorienting him from the position of "what he can do for you." When he can see the personality in others, the problem of resentment will begin to go away.

I'm getting older

To prevent resentment at this difficult age, be sure to praise the baby for a well-told poem, plasticine or paper crafts, drawings, participation in cleaning the apartment, etc. However, in no case should you compare him with other children, so as not to cause feelings of competition. If we make a comparison, then only with the previous achievements of the baby: yesterday, last week, a month ago, etc.

In addition, try to explain to the child that the assessment of other people (including parents) is not always true and this is not a reason for resentment. Each person has his own point of view, he has the right to it. And in no case should you be offended because of this.

New turn

Let the time that you spend together be short, but it should belong only to you and your baby: neither phone nor email let us distract you from joint activities. Set certain hours when you belong only to the child. You can devote this time to “going out” or, for example, cooking dinner with your daughter or son, role-playing games or reading books in bed, etc. If at home something constantly distracts you and you feel that you are unable to fully communicate , you can go with your child to creative developmental classes (today children's centers conduct joint master classes and classes that may be of interest to both children and adults). In these classes, you turn off the phone, relax - and find a lot of common ground with your child. Remember: as soon as we begin to invest our strength, our soul in the development of a small person, the results are not long in coming.

Social resentment

After five years, peers can become the main object of resentment. The child is very acutely worried that he was ignored: they were not accepted into the game, they refused to play what he himself wants. Therefore, it is very important in the preschool period to teach him to negotiate with others. Indeed, at school, and then in adulthood, he will have to contact with different people and diplomatic skills will be very useful. Here, involvement in group work on a common project, games with several participants can help. Such games can be held in kindergarten and at home (if you have the skill to communicate with a crowd of kids) or in special creative classes where the baby can go additionally.

I want a new car!

There are many reasons to be offended by the world around you. And you can’t do without tricks in education! For example, you could, more than once, encounter such a situation: the children's room is full of toys, and the child asks for "another car." . If beliefs do not work, we connect a creative approach: so that the toys do not become boring to the child, you can put some of them in the closet, and after a while they will seem new again.

Who is more offended?

They say that children from single-parent families or those who grew up in a large family are most often subject to resentment - in this case, the younger and older are always competing, taking offense at each other. In fact, the composition of the family plays a secondary role in this case. More touchy are impressionable children and children with a mobile nervous system, as well as babies who receive little attention from their parents.

Similar difficulties can be observed in families with many children and families with one child, complete or with one parent.

More important is the atmosphere in the house and the model of interaction between the baby and adults.

How to react?

What to do if the child is offended and closed in on himself? Talk to him! Often, children try to hide their feelings from their parents so as not to upset them again, or they are afraid of falling under a hot hand. But you still have to figure it out, as the constant suppression of grievances can cause an emotional outburst.

From the age of 3-4, children begin to complain about their peers, demand attention, get upset because of the negative assessment of adults. This can be caused by insufficient attention from the communication partner, lack of praise, superiority and success of peers, teasing, denial of something desired and necessary.

In the same situation, children can behave differently: one kid will be able to resolve the conflict, another will begin to show anger, and the third will be offended. Offended, the child turns away from others, stops talking, goes aside and tries to show that he feels bad. The child feels deprived and inferior. The offended person uses refusal to communicate as a means of drawing attention to himself, a way to evoke feelings of remorse and guilt in the one who offended him. This tactic often turns out to be ineffective, and with age it stops working altogether. And if a child is not taught to forgive insults, to behave adequately to the situation, he risks becoming an outcast. Touchy people are difficult to communicate, and others try to avoid them.

Parents should explain to the child the realities of life and interpersonal relationships: people hurt us, we hurt people. Life isn't always fair. And forgiveness is a powerful tool that will help not only to “repel the blow” of the offender, but also to prevent resentment from ruining our lives.

Teach your child 5 simple rules:

1. Let go of resentment

When we are hurt, we want the person to feel guilty. We get so hung up on this thought that we cannot feel happy until we hear the cherished words of apology. However, our children must understand that the offender is not always ready to confess. And every day of waiting for the cherished words is wasted time for a person who does not deserve such attention at all. Forgiveness can only come when you can let go of the situation and move on.

2. Accept what happened

What's done is done, nothing can be changed. The child has already been hurt and hurt. Therefore, parents should explain to the baby that he must accept what happened. This will lighten the load of the child and make him freer. In general, any negative emotions, "stuck" in consciousness, carry the energy of destruction. No wonder they say: "They carry water for the offended."

3. Be realistic

It is important to explain to the child that you need to adhere to the "golden mean" of the perception of the world. There are two types of thinking: positive and negative. It is impossible to look at things from a positive point of view all the time, but also constantly walking “beech” requires a huge expenditure of mental strength. Therefore, a realistic perception of the surrounding world with all its positive and negative aspects is the most optimal solution. Try to convey this idea to the child.

4. Realize Forgiveness Is a Process

Parents should explain to their child that “healing wounds” after being offended is a long process. The child must go through all stages of emotions: from anger, desire for revenge to acceptance of what happened, forgiveness - and understand that everything is fine. And parents, in turn, can help the child to quickly part with difficult thoughts. Invite your child to punch a pillow or go together to a breathtaking amusement park, ride a bike, or just play actively on the playground. The child should not be left alone with his grievances. The younger the child, the easier it is to get out of the state of resentment.

5. Understand that difficulties harden us.

Explain to your child that things in life rarely turn out the way we expect. Every blow that life gives us makes us stronger. And the best response to the offender is to move on and be happy. Such a creed will help the child develop a more mature view of the world and people.