If your husband left the family - this is not a reason to fall into hysterics and think that life is over. There is a correct behavioral tactic that will help to avoid stress and adequately solve the problem. We will share it in this article. You will learn why spouses leave their wives, how to respond to the desire to file for divorce, how to behave when parting. You will also decide what to do after the breakup of a marriage, whether it is worth returning the departed man and how to do it correctly. You will find advice from experienced psychologists and a way out of the situation.
Most often, psychologists name the following reasons:
- excessive guardianship by the spouse;
- lack of common hobbies;
- loss of sexual interest;
- deterioration of mutual understanding, constant quarrels;
- a woman does not take care of herself, forcing a man to be interested in other ladies;
- everyday problems.
There can be many reasons why a loved one decided to leave his wife and get divorced, and not all of them are limited to cheating spouses or mutual claims.
If the lover has not yet left the family and is in no hurry to file for divorce, but intends to do so, the woman needs to show restraint and wisdom. Excessive emotionality will only harm the situation. How should one behave in such a case?
- To begin with, psychologists advise to talk, discuss the situation. A man must understand that it is much easier to destroy relationships than to build them.
- You should change your behavior, stop nagging your spouse, reduce the level of control over him.
- As soon as a man voices the reason for the breakup, it should be eliminated, demonstrating that the relationship still has a chance to recover. Praise your husband, pay attention to him, do not quarrel.
- If a man has a mistress, it is worth working on appearance, in all ways to emphasize their beauty.
- It is necessary that the house should always be clean, the refrigerator should be filled with food so that a man feels comfort and coziness.
Psychologists emphasize that in most cases, separation can be prevented, and sometimes an elementary conversation saves from divorce. But overwhelmed by pride and resentment, the spouses refuse to hear each other's claims.
To prevent a crisis, you need to talk, discuss problems and decide if there is a way out of this situation.
How to deal with a breakup
If the partner nevertheless decided to divorce, you need to behave as follows:
- do not stoop to tears and prayers, as this will not be of any use;
- during parting, be detached, but friendly;
- it is worth thanking the man for the years lived together, evoking nostalgia in him, remembering the bright moments of the joint past;
- you need to look at 100% so that a man sees what beauty he is missing.
The main thing is not to seem like a victim. If the woman cries and begs, the partner wants to leave the house as soon as possible. If she looks detached, independent, grains of doubt may arise in him.
You need to talk with your lover without resentment and trembling in your voice, emphasizing the positive aspects in the relationship. All this can become an incentive for their future resurrection. You also need to consider that often. Read here why this happens and how to behave.
What to do after your spouse leaves
And now the woman was left alone, what should be the algorithm of her actions? It all depends on the specific situation. If a man does not have a new girlfriend, it is better to behave as follows:
- occasionally intersect in a common company or at parties, while looking chic;
- invite her husband to her so that he takes the remaining things and at the same time remembers the warmth of the hearth;
- if the couple has children together, spend time together, emphasizing the importance of family values;
- if a man is seriously offended, there is no need to ask for forgiveness, it is worth proving with your actions that the woman has repented (show how upset you are, say that you will improve).
Psychologists emphasize that the departure of a man does not mean a final separation. But if he already has a mistress, it will be more difficult to return a partner. Here you need to act as follows:
- no need to speak badly about the homeowner;
- when meeting with a man, you should look perfect;
- you need to find yourself a boyfriend in order to arouse the jealousy of your spouse;
- you need to behave detached and cold, not showing your inner pain.
If the lover then returns, then leaves, and this has been going on for many months, you should state your position. A woman should emphasize that such a guest marriage does not suit her. She can find a suitor for herself, saying that she can live without a spouse.
Psychologists confirm that the constant departure and return of a husband is a sign of his indecision, unwillingness to divorce.
The spouse is not ready for parting even in case of slowness in submitting documents to the registry office. If a man is in no hurry to write a divorce application, you should not rush him. A girl can send romantic SMS to her husband, occasionally cross paths with him - do everything so that the thought of parting seems stupid to him.
Is it worth returning the departed husband
Many psychologists advise the lady to carefully consider the need for the return of her lover. What factors can influence this?
- A woman must understand that a partner who has left once can do it again, which means that there will be inconstancy in the relationship.
- If partners have feelings for each other, you should try to save the marriage.
- If a man has decided on meanness or treason, it is worth restoring relations only in the most extreme cases.
- After leaving and returning, the former trust in the family will no longer be.
- Restoring relationships will take a lot of time, which is likely to be wasted.
Not all unions deserve to fight for them to the end. But if a woman loves her husband immensely and cannot live without him, such a struggle makes sense.
Do you want to know all the ways to quickly get your loved one back after a breakup? We recommend reading free book Alexey Chernozem "How to return a loved one". You will receive a step-by-step plan on how to make him want to come back again.
The book is free. To download, go to this page, leave your e-mail and an email will be sent to the mail with a link to the pdf-file.
Ways to return a man
To return a lover, you need to act as follows:
- it is necessary to meet as often as possible, but not be intrusive;
- a man should always be reminded of a happy joint past;
- if there are common children, it is worth meeting with the whole family as often as possible;
- you should occasionally ask a man for help around the house or advice on repairing equipment, emphasizing his need.
A man should feel a connection with his ex-wife, understand that they will always have a joint past. Thanks to this, it will be possible to maintain relations and achieve rapprochement between quarreling partners. If the spouse went to his mistress, use ours. It highlights the reasons why this can happen, the role of children, magical rituals which cannot be done.
You will find a lot of useful information here, where it is described in detail. We answered the questions: what conspiracies will help solve the problem, what should be the behavior of a woman, what to do if there are children.
Listen to the main mistakes women make when trying to win back their husbands:
How to move on after a breakup
Sometimes a woman goes into all serious trouble after a divorce, trying to survive the breakup in this way. Psychologists advise not to rush into the arms of other men, not to look for casual connections. Now is the perfect time to take care of yourself. It is worth changing your hairstyle, updating your wardrobe, going on vacation. this article will help. Here it is written about 7 steps that need to be taken, how to let him go and not suffer if you live together, how to understand that feelings have passed.
The best medicine after breaking up is a new relationship with another man who will make you truly happy. We advise you to look new free video course Alexey Chernozem "12 laws of seduction for women". From the course you will learn how to attract his attention, push him to get acquainted, interest and captivate.
To watch, click here on this link, leave your e-mail and an email with a link to the video will be sent to the mail.
A woman must learn to love herself, stop blaming herself for divorce. Gradually, from such love, she will blossom, bathing in the attention of the opposite sex. If difficulties arise, we have prepared other tips on how to. We told how to behave, how to survive a blow, especially if there is a child.
How to behave after a breakup, see this video:
Divorce is far from the worst thing that can happen to a woman. Surviving a breakup with dignity is not easy, but by ceasing to blame herself for what happened, the lady will find not only the minuses in parting, but also the advantages. And maybe you don’t want to return your ex-spouse at all.
That's it, the family was shattered into pieces. As if there was nothing. The husband leaves the family, leaving behind a trail of longing, sadness and hatred. What to do? How to behave? How to cope with yourself? How do you feel about his actions? And how to live further?
What and why happens to the wife when the husband leaves the family?
Husbands leave the family: why does this happen in normal families?
What to do and how to behave if the husband left the family? How to relieve stress?
Psychologist's advice on how not to make mistakes during a breakup, when the husband leaves the family?
The first reaction of any woman to a break in family relationships is a strong emotional shock, depression, pain and devastation. When a husband leaves the family, it is always painful and insulting. And there are no exceptions to this rule. Even He- a fool, a traitor and a sadist, and she- loving and devoted, always same: after the husband leaves, a deep wound remains in the female soul, which needs time to heal. The problem is that at this time a woman can make many ridiculous mistakes that aggravate her situation.
Woman on fire: husband left the family forever
The point of no return, when the husband leaves the family, is also the point of the beginning of a new life for a woman. And this new life directly depends on a lot: living conditions and material security, moral support of others. But this is not the main thing: basically everything depends on the psychology of a woman and her ability to withstand stress. After all, it is obvious that some women endure the gap more easily, while others are very difficult.
Psychological features are clearly explained through the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. For example, a woman with a skin vector adapts relatively quickly and easily to life without a departed husband. Possessing a flexible psyche, the ability to quickly adapt to new conditions, she soon forgets the old. She is quick to make decisions and is often able to quickly jump out to marry the same husband, with whom everything will go according to the old scenario.
It is much more difficult for women with an anal vector to endure the departure of their husband. Their psyche is not flexible, but rigid, facing the past. The anal woman tends to look for a solution to all her problems in looking back: what was done wrong and how. Usually, when a husband leaves the family, the anal woman has a suffocating feeling of resentment towards him. And the experience that could be useful to her in order to future life not to repeat the mistake already made, turns into a stone around her neck - she may no longer meet men for the rest of her life, believing that each of them is potentially capable of leaving her. Opening up, trusting, falling in love again for such a woman becomes too difficult.
It is also difficult for the owners of the visual vector. By nature, kind, open, emotional, spectators experience the departure of her husband from the family as a real disaster. Only they can be characterized by a kind of emotional "sticking" on the former - love addiction, which can last a long time (here it already depends on the lower vectors). Having lost a person to whom she was emotionally attached, a woman loses the ability to rationally think about how to behave without him, how to live on, how to breathe?
The moment of truth - the husband left the family ... What's next?
Why did the husband leave the family? Here is a question that gnaws at a woman from the inside. She thinks it's because of her. The point here is not to find the guilty, but to understand the causes of what is happening. The modern world has brought its own changes to the life of mankind. Just yesterday, divorce was something akin to shame and shame and happened only in bad families, today everything is different. People have become more selfish and look less at others, it is easier to change partners and less invested in relationships. This means marriages break up.
So, the skin husband leaves because of the desire for a change in life: he has dissatisfaction with the same type of life in the family if he cannot realize the desire for novelty at work. The spectator is too amorous. The urethral is not made for marriage at all, it is surprising that he got married at all. A sound engineer can go into depression and he will be more pleased with the monastery or Tibet than his wife.
That is, there can be many reasons why the husband left the family. But that's not the point. The main thing is to draw conclusions and move on. Do not make mistakes, do not miss the years. Life is one, and the husband may not be alone. No matter how bitter and annoying it may seem at first glance.
To survive the stress of divorce, you need to clearly understand yourself. The advice of psychologists on what to do when the husband left the family, how to behave, is good, but they need to be accurately differentiated according to their vectors.
It is very important to understand your stress reactions and states. For example, a spectator begins to run around fortune-tellers - she is looking for an answer in coffee grounds or cards. Not only is there no answer, but there is only the desire of a charlatan to get more money out of a suffering woman. So also the questions of such a woman are all about him, about her husband, who left.
An anal woman, in order to compensate for the feeling of resentment in case of infidelity, may begin to conceive revenge. It seems to her that this is the only way to remove her grave condition and avenge her betrayal, for the fact that her husband left the family. She seeks revenge in the same way - by cheating on her husband. The problem is that this betrayal then stands in her throat - by nature pure and monogamous, she will suffer all her life from the perfect.
A skin-visual woman often goes into all serious trouble - she goes to a club, finds quick connections, easily goes to a new sexual object. "Husband left the family? Well, a fool! I'll find myself better! Everyone wants me!" she thinks. The problem is that she does not need it - she needs emotions, warm relationships, emotional contact. All this cannot be with the first counter-transverse. So devastation and longing grow in the soul along with an increasing number of unfamiliar lovers.
And these are just some real-life examples, there are hundreds of similar scenarios. It is important to understand that the problem is not that the husband left the family, but how life is going on.
Happy, beautiful, pleasant? Or will it be total bullshit?
What to do if the husband left the family?
If the husband left the family - it's not the end of the world.
Every woman is born for happiness, and she must find this happiness, live in it, take place as loving and beloved.
What we go through in life gives us experiences that we can live through and use for our own good in the future. IN modern world there is no such thing as: EVERYTHING, my husband left the family and I was left alone forever. Yes, yesterday it was exactly like that, but today - with the opportunity to get acquainted through the Internet, with the absolute emancipation of people, with a very large choice - everything is different.
And you need to understand that in order to develop new relationships, you must first put your internal states in order. Everyone enjoys being in a relationship with a cheerful person. For example, you really want to meet and meet a man who is obsessed with resenting his ex-wife? No, and he wants the same thing - to meet and fall in love good woman who will understand him and with whom they can start a relationship.
Life is too unpredictable to be sure that a relationship that has turned into a marriage will last forever. Someone is lucky to meet their man, with whom they are hand in hand both in grief and in joy, while someone on the way to this meeting has to go through parting and even divorce. But since life is one and it is important to live it in such a way that it is not excruciatingly painful, many women who broke up with their spouses for a variety of reasons should understand for themselves further. This will restore peace of mind and restore confidence in their own attractiveness.
How to live if the husband is gone
Before the spouse decides to divorce, a lot of time will pass from the moment when the family cools down. Not a single representative of the stronger sex will leave his wife and file for divorce after the first serious quarrel. They get too used to comfort in order to quickly take and create a lot of problems for themselves that will have to be solved as soon as they are left alone.
Men can endure claims for a very long time, and unwillingness to take care of their appearance, as before, and the lack of common topics for conversation. And even if he had an affair, and he fell in love, it is not so easy to hurt another and admit to himself that he made a mistake by marrying. People do not want to experience guilt and will endure to the last in order to avoid its appearance: and live with the unloved, and endure the antics of friends, and the inattentive attitude of their parents.
Therefore, when the husband slams the door and leaves after another quarrel, it will be quite unexpected, no matter how much the spouses have quarreled up to this point. And as soon as the passions subside, fear will appear in the heart that everything is over and there is no more hope.
In fact, his departure means only that he does not know how to cope with the situation that has arisen, he has run out of arguments, arguments, patience, only rage, anger and resentment remain, because they do not hear him and do not take into account his interests, and he lacks the courage to express them. Yes, and with regard to weak woman, such an act can only be committed by a tyrant and a despot. A normal man, when he cools down, will return, expecting changes. But so that his departure in such a situation does not become a tragedy and does not lead to a final break later, it's time to think about what is happening and why the relationship has turned into a battlefield.
If you don’t think and ask after he returns (and the first few times he will definitely return) what doesn’t suit him and tell you what doesn’t suit you, you should clearly understand that everything will end either with a life similar to serving hard labor, or his final departure.
When the husband left completely and all quarrels and debriefing ended, you should not pursue him with calls, messages, requests to return or talk. Too much desire to see him, to communicate with his parents will not help to establish mutual understanding, but will only cause even more irritation and rejection.
Remember the feeling dignity. This will not only preserve your sense of self-respect, but will bring real benefits. Since those who feel sorry for themselves and humiliate themselves, people try to avoid. They look too pathetic. Therefore, it is much wiser to pull yourself together and be on top. This tactic is bearing fruit. When the husband notices that his wife is not killing him, does not run after him and does not fight in hysterics, he begins to wonder if he hastened to leave.
After all, when a person does not demonstrate that he is hurt, offended, does not try to show that he is ready to fix everything, just pay attention and do as he wants, the other himself begins to wonder if he made the right decision, maybe he underestimated how he good luck with your wife. Painfully calmly, she reacts to his demarche and unwillingness to find out the problems that arise, without which not a single family relationship can do.
What to do if the husband left
Despite all attempts to stay away from him and not show how much it hurts you, he still doesn’t call for a long time and doesn’t return, you shouldn’t get hysterical and panic. It doesn't make any sense, and it won't change anything either, it will only make it more frustrating. It is better to decide right away: do you want to return your husband, be free or turn into a victim. You can return your husband only if he still has feelings, but he must realize this and take the first step himself. Trying to put pressure on a person, the result is not achieved, on the contrary, he moves away even more and makes sure that he was right.
Because it is unlikely that you will show restraint, calmness and fortitude in your attempts to convince him to return. You will most likely cry and lose your temper. Men are generally lost at the sight of women's tears, not knowing how to react to them correctly, and in such a difficult situation, they will also get angry, believing that you are manipulating them.
Asking is always unpleasant, especially when it comes to personal relationships. And when it is accompanied by tears, reproaches, accusations and anger - anyone will want to run away from this. People have not learned to say that they are hurt and unpleasant because of what happened directly. They usually express this by blaming others as traitors. And in this case, even the one who is really to blame will begin to defend himself. And another scandal, and even after the break, will only aggravate the situation, and not fix it. So stay calm and do your best to stop when you feel like dialing his number and talking.
There is no need to find out how he is doing, how he ate, how he is with work, what he does. You can call only once, when you decide to apologize for all the bad and offensive words and deeds that you have done towards him, even if you don’t know what he was specifically offended by and how they could offend him. He knows about it.
When nothing more than an apology follows, he will understand that you are serious and really heard him and left the choice to him. Any representative of the stronger sex will appreciate it. One of the complaints against the female sex in recent years has been the reluctance of women to recognize the role of men in relationships and attempts to do and decide everything for them. It is difficult to say whether this is always the case, but they perceive any claims and demands as an attempt to infringe on their rights. It seems to them that constantly criticizing and comparing with others, their loved ones obviously do not trust them and try to force them to do what they need, depriving them of initiative and the right to choose.
If the husband left for another, this does not mean that it is time to answer in the same coin. No new connections and attempts to arouse jealousy in him will help to establish mutual understanding. Of course, jealousy can change the situation in your favor, since the stronger sex is very sensitive to whether other men like his woman or not, only for how long his suddenly flared interest. When he disappears, especially since this has already happened once, you will again think about how to live without a husband, and another attempt to play on his sense of ownership will no longer work.
But communication with the opposite sex will allow you to feel like a woman and think about whether you need someone who went to another, with whom he has obviously been talking behind your back for a long time, someone who was afraid to say that feelings had faded and did not try to revive them or leave immediately.
Seeing the interest in the eyes of men, any woman will feel better, though if she is not depressed and not neurotic. Since for them the gap is a real grief that they can experience for years and the attention of the opposite sex will only make them compare and always come to the conclusion that their husband was the best. And again tears, tantrums and a complete breakdown.
Therefore, it is very important to understand that any woman is capable of living without a husband and living happily, but without plunging into memories of a happy past, even if it never was, as happens with those who, for various reasons, are neurotic and have relationships them were neurotic. And in this case, you will first have to deal with your internal problems, and then decide how to live happily without a husband.
Don't give up no matter what happens. Be true to yourself and believe that you deserve better. And if this man did not appreciate you or you did not right choice It doesn't mean that all is lost for you. Only those who are confident in themselves and in the fact that there will be a holiday on their street achieve success. Therefore, your task is to take care of yourself, pamper and love yourself so that this happens as soon as possible, and you are 100% ready for this.
My husband and father left us with our children. Married for 14 years. I am 41 years old, my husband is 38. This marriage is the second for both of us. From the first I have a daughter, now she is 18 years old, he lived in his first marriage for a year - there were no children. He easily got along and fell in love with my daughter - she began to call him dad (she was only 3 years old), especially since my first husband officially refused his daughter. After a year of our marriage, the current husband offered to adopt my daughter - I was in seventh heaven with happiness. They lived well, material well-being gradually came, they bought apartments, cars, relationships were like in every loving family.
After 9 years life together our son was born - my husband was happy, and so am I. All these years I worked, I was the head of a department in a large company, with my second son I was on maternity leave for only a few months, but my husband supported my desire to work. Two years ago, he left for another city to work, came home every weekend. Relations began to deteriorate. Since he was not going to return to work in our city, we made a common decision to move to him. Moreover, by that time the eldest had graduated from high school and entered the institute in the city where her husband worked. We decided to sell the apartments, I quit my job. My elderly parents remained in my hometown, whom I eventually wanted to bring to our city, and all our friends ...
When the apartments were sold, I quit my job, after 2 weeks my husband said that he would not live with us, he would rent us an apartment in his city, he did not explain anything, as I did not ask. It was a blow in the gut. I decided to move anyway, because my parents have nowhere to live, and my husband invested the money for the sold apartments in a new building in a new city.
Then I found out that my husband left for a younger woman with someone else's child.
He comes to his children for 3 hours on one of the weekends, and sometimes once every 2 weeks. I do not interfere with communication, but in every possible way encourage.
For food, my husband gives such pennies that you can die of hunger, my parents help - they send money weekly. I don’t know where they take them - they are pensioners. For a long time I could not find a job - a strange city, without any acquaintances and relatives. I found it 3 months later, thank God, and despite the fact that I was a leader for many years, I made good money. I could understand if he just went to another, but to transport us to a strange city and leave us there without an apartment, work and money, WHY?
The eldest daughter is very worried, the youngest (he is 5) - at the subconscious level. The worst thing is that we are completely financially dependent on him, especially since the situation with the new apartment is unknown.
It's been 5 months, to say about my condition in words - nothing. I drink, I smoke, I drink tranquilizers, I cry, etc. Children are supportive. God bless, on new job Everything will work out and I will become financially independent. I really want to forget him, “let go, forgive” and I can’t cope with my emotions, why did he do this - not leaving for another - but why did he move him to a strange city and leave him without a livelihood? How can you betray? Until recently, I believed him in everything, I was neither a housewife, nor a slut. I am pretty, I look much younger than my age, I have always been in demand at work, I had many friends (who supported me by phone and financially all these 5 months). Help, how to let him go - I don't even want to see him? ..
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Inna, age: 41/09/29/2011
Responses:
Dear Inna, it has not been long enough for you to forget everything and let him go. Be patient a little longer and a revelation will come to you. I understand your pain, I go through it myself, my husband left us four months ago with a child, cheating on me behind my back for a year. Last year he was with a woman 14 years younger than him, I forgave him, and in May of this year I found SMS ... they didn’t stop! I also look younger by (10 years) everyone says so. Like you, I have been working all my life and the hostess is not bad ... but the betrayal is such that the pain breaks all the veins and there are also a lot of questions. But I don't want to see or hear him. I changed my phone number because he texts me that he only loves me. And that's it! In addition to SMS, he does nothing (keeps as a fallback).
My advice to you: do not ask any questions to yourself - you will not find answers! Even a lot years will pass- you will not get an answer, it is better not to think about everything that happened (very difficult), but it is necessary for you. Let go of everything and live for today, trust God, go to the temple and tell your pain to God there... cry, let all the pain come out from within. Please don't drink alcohol! It can destroy you, think of the children. Understand that they, these husbands, are not worth our suffering, especially drinking alcohol. (Imagine, when he finds out that you drink, he will be happy, thinking that you are because of him). Be strong in spirit! Pray more and talk to God. For some reason, God sent you all this, the answer will be later. When it rolls, read many times: "God bless this man." When you feel very bad in your soul, read many times: "Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner." Tested, it really helps. I will pray for you and for the children that everything will be fine with you. You are still so young, you will definitely meet your man for life. Good luck to you and your children!
Elsa, age: 57 / 09/30/2011
Inna, hold on, you have Small child, and a daughter, she needs an example of a mother, how to cope with difficulties in life, and what are you showing her now? You are in pain, scared, but your children are looking at you: how you behave now, so they will behave in adult life. Would you like your daughter or son to drink, smoke and take tranquilizers? I myself behaved almost the same way, I am ashamed now in front of my adult son, and he is already 24 years old. Now I pray in front of the icon, and let my son and daughter see me on my knees before God. You will rise, believe in yourself. You were a leader, which means that you know how to organize yourself and others, do not loosen up, put all your will into a fist and go ahead, look for a job, climb the career ladder again, there is something for which and for whom. I know that it is not easy, I know that the pain is not drowned out, I am the leader myself, but I need to rise up, become as confident as before, but now not on my own, but with God's help. Maybe we, the women leaders, had too much self-esteem, maybe we need to change our minds, analyze everything, consult with the priest and tell God our women's problems, and then help will be given from above. Honestly, as soon as I began to really ask for help from God and the blessing of the priests, it became much easier for me! Inna, I want to support you, but you have to help yourself. Take care of the issues of future housing now, where is the money for apartments, which means that he is building something, in whose name is he building? You do not cry, you will take care of the property, the children are with you and you are responsible for them. No need to scour yourself with questions, 41 years old, everything can still be wonderful. May the Lord bless you.
Alla, age: 43 / 09/30/2011
Inna, 5 months for such a test is nothing, these are only the first timid steps on the way to humble yourself before the providence of God. For a year I have been trying to somehow crawl along this very difficult, but the only true path, all the time I stumble over my terrible pride, but until I humble myself, nothing good will happen in my life, since God resists the proud and only gives grace to the humble . Marina, maybe my words did not console you at all, but only after a year of my mental torment I realized the most important thing for myself - you need to work on saving YOUR soul! Most importantly, NEVER give up!
Xenia, age: 40 / 09/30/2011
Inna, good afternoon. Your letter hooked me, and here's why. I have a very close friend who went through a similar drama five years ago. Only everything was much more complicated and tragic - she, having lived with her husband for more than fifteen years, gave birth to him good son, left in Russia everything that was dear to her - parents, friends, work - and went to a foreign country, far away, because her husband's mother lived there, because her husband wanted a European world and a different life. And at first everything went well - work for both, which she found, a gymnasium for her son, travel. Then her parents' apartment in Russia was sold, because her parents were going to move in with her and her husband, whom they loved like their own son - and this was the husband's initiative. And then the terrible began, Inna. My friend got sick and was operated on. Difficult, virtuoso operation. And her husband, shortly before her operation, met a young woman on the Internet, said that he had unearthly love, and since his girlfriend would die soon anyway, and he didn’t need her parents here, he began to extort money received for an apartment. Blackmail, shouting and assault. She, smart, stopped the violence by contacting the police, filing for divorce. And all this - after the operation. The experience of a teenage son is hard to imagine. Her parents in Russia fell ill with grief.
And then this amazing woman, left alone as a finger in a foreign country, taught her son. I took any job. After recovering from the operation, she confirmed her diploma. Refreshed my English in good courses. Went to business school, graduated, got a decent job. I drove myself to loss of strength - after studying fitness, power loads on the simulator, as far as my health allowed.
A ex-husband her, quickly rejected by his unearthly Internet love, made an attempt to return, was sent away by my friend, found a new Internet love. And then another, and another. And in the end, almost losing his sight, he lives with his old mother in a tiny apartment, without work, without life plans like a plant. The son stopped all communication with him. His mother is crying, calling my girlfriend. But that's it - the train left long ago.
And my friend, a smart girl, once said: “You know, you live like this with a man, you courageously overcome all life’s difficulties with him, and one more difficulty, and another ... And then you look back, you start to analyze - and you understand that almost all the difficulties were created by the man himself, due to his irresponsibility, short-sightedness, and simply stupidity, whatever."
A friend has a wonderful friend of the heart - a well-mannered, educated European. He asks her to marry him. But she is not in a hurry - she has an established life of a self-sufficient woman. And the man, as she says, is only a part of her, nothing more.
Maybe this life story will cheer you up, Innochka. Our women can do EVERYTHING - and a little more.
Mara, age: 40 / 01.10.2011
Dear Inna! I sympathize with you very much ... Marriage problems are the most serious and confusing ... As it often happens, you let a man go to another city or just for a week, and it is already unknown how it will end. Probably the problems have been ripening all these 2 years, at some point he decided that on the other hand it’s better and she’s nearby, less inconvenience, I’ll go to her. This is very common, but this is not love - it will turn somersaults, eat enough of it and possibly return, this happened in our family. You now need the will to fist and take on any, for any work. Quit drinking, smoking - this is not an option, remember, you have a goal - to raise children. The fact that he behaves like this ... do not blame him, anything can be, his head is clouded by something. Yes, and think less about all this, you won’t think of anything good. Raise yourself, go somewhere and believe that tomorrow will be better than today, and better - do everything for this now. I believe that you will succeed, because you led the company! Try to move on. Two children - this is the value that has no equal, some do not have them at all! Love, love, love, and it doesn’t matter what - painting, books, music, trees are falling, but they always fall beautifully ... Happiness, good luck and forgive everything. All the will of God.
Irena, age: 23 / 01.10.2011
Inna, hello. The worst thing about the current situation is your flight into alcohol. Yes, and smoking is a lousy business. Do not have time to look back - and your "look younger" will evaporate, and one "beautiful" day you will feel disgusted to look in the mirror.
I'm not talking about the degradation of the individual and the destruction physical health, and with them - the degradation of life goals.
Say "STOP" to yourself before it's too late. A woman is a special being, created and existing on Earth to create beauty in all its conceivable forms. And she is beauty incarnate. A person's love for the world begins with self-love, and a person should not love himself as such in himself, but the divine creation, which should strive for perfection. And what will your children watch when mother begins to stubbornly slide to the edge of the abyss?
Your situation, Inna, is, of course, difficult, what can I say. However, it is not fatal. But it can become such if you do not refuse poison for the soul and body. It is better to deal with adversity sober.
I understand how hard it is for you now, how much you want to speak out to a person who understands and sympathizes with you. Believe me: everyone who answers you shares your pain, because they knew it in one form or another, went through losses and disappointments, got to know the taste of betrayal of a loved one, sat through without money, support, in a state of hopelessness. But all - survived, survived and continue to live a new life.
Get up, straighten up, swill - drain into the sink, smoke - into the garbage chute, forever. Fully focus on the children and work. Inna, I advise many, and I will not be too lazy to repeat to you: transform all your energy of despair and pain and invest now in personal growth, go to study, improve your skills.
On credit, in installments, ask to pay in installments. Do you find alcohol and cigarettes? So search for more necessary business. You will simply have no time to suffer, antidepressants (which are also not cheap, especially of the new generation) will gradually become unnecessary, and in a new place you will show yourself to the leadership of a promising employee who is able to move the assigned work from modern positions. Prosperity will surely come by-effect well organized life.
Studying is just magic. It not only kept me afloat when I wanted to either hang myself or jump from a balcony, but it also became a springboard for a new career breakthrough. And, by the way - on the eve of registration of the pension certificate. Although, to be honest, it was very difficult: my husband betrayed after 30 years of marriage, a protracted depression, then both elderly parents fell ill with unpromising diagnoses and I had to leave a highly paid job.
For a year and a half, I lived with my teenage daughter and paid housing payments for unemployment benefits (4,900 rubles is the maximum rate in our region, and you have to pay 5,000 for an apartment and a telephone) and guardianship allowance for my daughter, which they stopped paying when my daughter turned 18 years, that is, 6 months after my dismissal from work. All my not very large savings melted away quickly: my parents needed expensive medicines and care products for bedridden patients. The son helped, of course. But he has his own family and his own expenses.
On the eve of his birthday, he asked me: "Mom, what could we give you? Don't let the amount stop you." I replied: "Help me pay for my studies."
It was the most priceless gift, which cannot be measured in money. It brought me back to life. I couldn’t leave my parents, but 3 times a week in the evenings I passed the baton to my daughter, went to college, where the forgotten atmosphere of the student body returned to me and gave me strength and optimism, made me forget about the bad. And this "bad" faltered, gave up and retreated. But not long before that, I had reached such a state that I had to go to an appointment at a psycho-neurological dispensary, since my mental strength had run out. The doctor, looking at me, asked: "Have you taken any alcohol today?" It looks like my expression was like this. Then, realizing that she had insulted the person in vain, she apologized. And I couldn’t even answer plainly, tears just flowed like a river. I say: “Doctor, prescribe something for me. I no longer have the strength. For three years I have been living under bomb attacks: one trouble after another. Now I have two bedridden old men. in hell. No way. I feel like my life is over."
But it was not the pills that helped me, which, of course, they prescribed me. The doctor's advice helped me: "Every day, do something for yourself personally, something that can please you." It was then that the idea came to me to go to school. At first, on a subconscious level - just like an outlet, and then a rational understanding of the usefulness of the decision came. Someday this situation will end. After all, everything ends someday. How long will I be out of work by then? What employer would be interested in me after such a break? Will I be able to return to my cage? Everywhere you need actual experience, a break more than a year- and you are already number three hundred and twenty in line. Especially when you are near retirement age.
But it is a completely different matter when a person in these one and a half years received additional education, expanding the boundaries of the existing specialty. And here the minus in the brains of the employer turns into a big plus. And no one cares how old you are. Yes, and a break in the summary expressively closes the entry: from such and such to such and such - such and such an institute. In brackets: faculty such and such, specialty such and such, diploma with honors.
And who saw that this same man sobbed in the office of a psychiatrist in three streams, being mistaken for an alcoholic? It remained a secret behind the scenes.
Parents recovered and began to serve themselves. And I defended my diploma and scattered my resumes on the Internet. Moreover, she was not shy about sending them to places where age restrictions were indicated. I ignored these restrictions. And I swung at the service level, which was higher than all my previous ones. It was a kind of challenge and a desire to take revenge.
I won a competition for a position with a limit of "up to 40 years", while outperforming younger and more zealous candidates with very worthy track records at the interview. And the decisive role in the management decision was played by my freshly baked red (and for me - truly golden) diploma, which very successfully supplemented my first education and set off managerial experience in the subject area. This circumstance made a proper impression on the CEO, especially when I said that in the next year or two I plan to acquire relevant knowledge in another related area, which will allow me to expand the range of tasks to be solved, and in general: I plan to conduct an active professional activity at least another 10 years, and if health permits, even longer.
After this conversation with the general director, all other candidates were free. And I led a promising project.
And the fact that on the day of employment all my cash for living with my daughter was 850 rubles, also remained a secret behind the scenes. Why would anyone need to know about this? In front of the future employer sat a savvy professional and a self-confident woman who had learned not to be afraid of anything. This was the main thing, the very "dry residue" that fell as a result of a complex reaction from the events of life.
Inna, we must bless our enemies, offenders and those who made us suffer. Bless the suffering itself. Because they are not driving us anywhere, but straight into our bright future. It is I, in my own way, retelling the meaning of the saying, once read in Holy Scripture. Now I am sure that everything that happened to me was for my good. What else can I call my current life? Now I mentally bless every day I live in suffering, every weeping night and thank God for everything that I had a chance to experience, for every wound in my soul.
And the fact that God opened my eyes to my husband's betrayal, as I think - not by chance on Christmas Day, I also accept with gratitude. Because this event radically changed both my life and myself. Undoubtedly - in better side. The one that came out as a result of overcoming everything that happened is better than the one that was before. Stronger, kinder, more generous, fearless.
Bless your scoundrel husband, Inna, and in your heart express your condolences to him. It’s easier for you: everything has already happened to you and you are already in the event stream that carries you from the worst to the best. It can't always be bad. The darkest twilight is before dawn.
But your husband is still ahead. And it’s not a fact that he will be able to cope with the boomerang from what he did.
And I also strongly advise you: communicate more with your parents, write long, long letters to them, if talking on the phone is expensive. Catch and appreciate every moment of their life. See how they care about you. They love you endlessly, share their pension crumbs with you. Inevitably, the time will come when you will be very sorry that you spoke so little with your old people. You will miss this very much. Truly miss. And not like the lack of a person now, whom you, I assure you, after a while will begin to despise so deeply that you will want to flush the very memory of him down the toilet.
Inna, turning points are sent to us as moments of truth. They need a person to reassess values. A piano tuner comes to see me once a year, and although I rarely play now, the instrument still loses tune and starts out of tune just from standing still. And then my master Alexander Vasilyevich takes out his tuning fork and begins a long and painstaking work, walking along each string inside the body, adjusting its sound to the standard.
So is human life. From time to time you need to check with a tuning fork to understand whether you are going the right way, whether those people have been chosen by you as fellow travelers, whether those things have been elevated to the rank of the highest value. And absolute and imperishable values become such a tuning fork, according to which a person's deed is tested in moments of trials and in the face of temptations. Your husband's string broke with a disgustingly false sound.
Do not let the strings of your soul falter and break, Inna.
Smilla, age: 55 / 01.10.2011
Hello Inna! I decided to support you with my letter. Everything will work out well for you. Take it as a setting. You are going through a difficult period now and it seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel... This is not true. You just need to go a little more, understand something ... Draw conclusions. Everything must be accepted with joy (everything is from God), digested, experienced. No need to stop on this path, no need to kneel, cry, try to go back, no need to break the wall of this tunnel... You need to move forward step by step. This is your path, and you must pass it! Men don't go anywhere, they always go to someone. It is a fact. There is no traitor next to you now! Direct all your strength now to work, children. Schedule your life in such a way that there is no free minute to even think about it. The property acquired in marriage is very calmly divided in half, apply in the same way for alimony. You are entitled to it. You will have new acquaintances, new impressions. Not immediately, gradually, all experiences will move further and further. It took me 2 years to get up off my knees, not cry anymore and move on. Do not ask yourself the question "Why?". You will not find an answer to it ... It's just necessary. Patience to you...
Elena, age: 34 / 02.10.2011
Inna, hello! We have the same situation with you, there is no big difference, I am a little younger than you and I have one child. Everything else is like a blueprint for you and me - my husband went to another city to work, came for the weekend, the plans were to move in with him, they sold my apartment, invested in new housing, and when everything was sold and things were transported, the husband said, that he loves another and does not want to live with us.
My child is going through exactly the same as yours, he has an obsession that now I will leave him, like dad.
I will try to tell you how I pull myself out of this state, maybe something will help you.
I left with him a good relationship for the sake of the child, he sometimes comes to us for a couple of hours and we go everywhere together so that the child can see that mom and dad, although they don’t live together, they have a good relationship. You write that you cannot understand his actions ... don't torture yourself, don't look for the reason for his action, you won't understand it and you won't find it, he just did it and that's it. Most importantly, do not blame yourself for anything, do not dig inside yourself, do not ask questions that you cannot answer. You work, take care of children, give yourself time and attention, books on psychology helped me a lot. Being alone is not as scary as it is scary to be next to a person capable of such betrayal. And it's good that this happened now, you will still have the opportunity to find a person worthy of you. When I thought about this situation, I asked God: "Why is this with me? Is this a test or a lesson?" If the test, then it must be passed with dignity, if the lesson, then the Lord showed me that I do not need to be with such a person. And when you understand this for yourself, everything will fall into place. I wish you a speedy mental recovery!
Julia, age: 34 / 03.10.2011
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ElenaC
Hello dear psychologists! I'm writing to you because I can't handle it myself. Exactly a month ago, my husband said that he was leaving and could no longer live like this, saying that his feelings are no longer the same, I don’t attract him as a woman, but others attract him. But he said that he was not quite sure of his choice yet. We have been married for 13 years and have a daughter for 11 years. My husband is 37 and I am 35. She did not notice the change behind him and did not change herself. I tried to offer him to fix everything, but he didn’t want to, said that he had already tried and failed to revive feelings, but at the same time he says that he respects me as a woman, wants to communicate, help, sex with me is not disgusting to him. I do not understand him, if he does not love me, how can this be? On the day he left, we had a heart to heart talk, mostly good things, spent the night together and he left. Now he is settling in a rented apartment, but he is going to move to his parents, it is empty. He constantly complains that he is not well there. new apartment, as in a hospital, he says I’ll move to my parents’ room there and the walls are being treated. Calls every day to the child and me often, communicates. I do not forbid them to communicate, but rather welcome, come to visit, help. He is drawn home, he comes to visit, as if he were at home, he can bathe, wash things. To my question, how should I be? Wait for it or not? Answered: I don't know. I’ve been crying for a month now, I can’t pull myself together, I really miss him, I love him, I don’t know how to behave? Hoping for his return or not? What do i do? I beg you to help me, I don’t have the strength to roar and worry, I’m very tired of being in such a limbo.
Olesya Verevkina
ElenaC, your feelings are understandable. The psychologist will comment on the topic and try to help. You can read some advice on the subject of Divorce, in case something seems close and useful.
Elena C, hello! I understand how hard it is for you right now. It seems that you and your husband did not quarrel, did not quarrel, and the entrance to your house is always open for him. However, at the same time, he inflicted a very deep wound on you, in fact, taking away your hope for a future stable family life. Probably, you do not yet believe that your relationship is over, and you expect him to come to his senses, and everything that happens will be forgotten like a bad dream. In your daily tears there is a lot of unrest, as I suppose, and resentment.
Elena, you write about limbo. I think I understand you, and yet I would like to ask: the husband, leaving and moving away from you, tried to reserve the right to return, right? Or even he did not have to negotiate with you about such a right? You yourself were so unprepared for his departure that you keep the door and soul open, just not to lose hope for his return, do I understand the situation correctly?
You already have a grown daughter. Does she comment on the situation? What do you think her feelings are?
Are you financially self-sufficient? How did you and your husband agree on financial matters?
ElenaC
Yes, you understand correctly, I hope for his return, but I don’t really believe that he will return and it hurts so much. The daughter cried a lot when she found out she was hysterical, she barely calmed her down. She misses him very much, constantly asks for him. I work, but I don’t earn much, I have enough for food. We agreed with him that he would bring a small amount of money every week, since I myself can’t do much, I won’t pull an apartment and put shoes on, dress a child. I don't know what to do, hope or not? I'm in so much pain and pain! We lived together for so many years, I can’t just delete him from my life so easily. I do not understand him? What does he want? Thus, to revive feelings or is that all, is he gone forever? Maybe he thinks we'll miss each other? Or maybe he already has someone in mind? There is such a mess in my head, I can’t figure it out and get out of it. I have no more strength ... Please help me figure it all out?
Well, that's probably all ... He came to visit the child today, I saw that he took off the ring from his hand, now everything is clear to me, we talked with him, he said that he was not bored and he had no love for me. But he doesn't want to swear and continue talking... I'm in shock! I’m sitting roaring, I don’t know how to live on ... Where to start, and in general it seems to me that the whole world has collapsed for me ... I don’t know how to continue to live ... Help ...
ElenaC, it's very hard, I understand. It's scary and painful, as you write, "the world has collapsed." Now you are in shock. All the emotions you will experience are completely natural. Try not to be alone. Ask someone close to you to stay by your side: friend, mother? Cry as much as you want, scream, if you want to scream, beat the dishes, which you don’t really feel sorry for.
In fact, the world has not collapsed, you will find the strength to cope with it. But this will take time. All you need right now is to have someone nearby who can take care of you (and this is not your daughter), drink more, if you can - eat. Be at rest, drink sleeping pills (in doses that help you fall asleep!) And get plenty of sleep.
ElenaC
I’ve been sleeping almost for a month now, I’ve been drinking sedatives, it doesn’t help, and as luck would have it, there’s no one around ... Thanks for the answers, I don’t know if I can handle it ... For a month now I’ve been crying and not getting enough sleep, but now I know at least one thing that I don’t have to wait. ..
ElenaC, that's it, you had a situation of uncertainty for a month. And now it has become clearer. It will release a lot of energy, I assure you. Although it's hard for you to believe now. Is it possible to go somewhere to relax for a few days?
ElenaC
Unfortunately, there is no such possibility... I would probably be happy... Thank you very much for your support, I understand that it must be endured, but it's so hard... ... Very... ... I'm afraid can't cope...
ElenaC, of course you can handle it. I have a question for you: how do you look at the idea of protecting yourself now from communication with your husband, for the sake of self-preservation? Your daughter is an adult - let them communicate themselves. Ask him to take into account your condition and pass all the information to you through your daughter or in writing. You don't want to see each other right now. Give yourself a month to digest the information by putting a moratorium on any contact with him. Does my proposal resonate with you?
ElenaC
Yes, I think about it myself, but he comes to visit his daughter once a week or 2, I don’t know what to do or go somewhere for this period or tell him to take her to himself, but there is a problem he comes in the evenings after work, he won’t be able to pick her up, and if I leave, I’ll have to hang around on the street all this time. Well, I can go to tea with a neighbor a couple of times, and then ... It turns out to freeze on the street and I don’t want to see him. You understand, the fact is that he himself does not seem to want to be with me, but he does not let me go, he often calls me, of course, it seems like on business, but he calls. When he comes to his daughter, I get the impression that he comes to me, I try to go to another room, I don’t drink tea with them, and he calls for tea to drink, then he comes into my room and talks about how he is settling down ..., I don’t want to hear it, I want to be alone ... Can I talk to him so that he doesn’t come yet, but only calls up his daughter for at least 2 weeks to do this, and then we’ll see? It's very hard... I don't know what to do...
When he comes to his daughter, I get the impression that he comes to me, I try to go to another room, I don’t drink tea with them, and he calls for tea to drink, then he comes into my room and talks about how he is settling down ..., I don't want to hear it, I want to be alone...
Elena, I fully understand your feelings: your husband really sends you double messages. Apparently, he is experiencing some mental turmoil and cannot understand where his place is. You can sympathize with him, but this does not negate the fact that he creates a complete disgrace in your relationship and completely neglects your feelings. I do not think that this should suit you, it is entirely his responsibility. The one who made a statement about his exit from the relationship - goes out the door in the truest sense of the word. If he changes his mind and decides to come back, then you will discuss with him the conditions on which you are ready to accept him.
To come allegedly "to your daughter" in order to sit on your ears and tell you how wonderfully he is going to live without you - sorry, sophisticated sadism. I ask you to shake things up a bit and listen to your sense of dignity. You absolutely do not deserve such treatment. He behaves like the saying "dog in the manger". Why do you need such a dog, Elena? If he wants to live his own life, let him live, let him use the time freed from his family to create conditions for communication with his daughter on his territory. And you need time and opportunity to come to your senses and understand how you can further build your life.
ElenaC
Thank you very much for your advice. So it is, as you say! It’s very difficult for me to switch, it’s not working yet, I’ll try, because I’ve exhausted myself completely ...
ElenaC, you will definitely succeed. You are a strong person, and despite the fact that the crisis in your husband's life has become unexpected and extremely unpleasant for you, you are already taking steps to cope with it. I support you very much in creating the most comfortable conditions for you to overcome this unpleasant situation. I have no doubt that you will overcome it.
ElenaC, how is the situation changing for you? How do you feel?
ElenaC
Hello Ekaterina! I feel better, we are taking pills, we are already sleeping). My husband began to miss me, he began to be drawn to me. We started talking and dating again. He tries to see very much, I also do not lag behind), he wants to please me, is he worried, has he offended me? But you don't think about going home yet? What will come of it? Don't know? Time will tell... Thank you for your experience and attention and for your advice!
01 Mar 2017
ElenaC
Hello Ekaterina! Can't understand my husband? It’s been 4 months since he left, all this time we talked, met, he took care of us, helped ... But he doesn’t dare to return to try to save the family ... I don’t understand him, I feel his concern, he really worries about us , besides this, I see that he is looking for meetings with me, he calls me to a cafe, makes surprises for Valentine's Day, gives flowers, though for the holidays. It was my birthday recently, he proposed to me in a cafe and paid for everything himself. He seems to be trying, but he seems to be somehow far from me ... When I ask him directly, he says he doesn’t know, he can’t understand himself ... But he doesn’t let go either. He writes himself, calls himself, I do not impose on him ... But he does not dare to try to live. I don’t know if it makes sense to continue like this, because 4 months have passed, we are getting used to living on our own, weaning from each other ... I still want to try to fix everything, but here he is ... I don’t know, he can already see it himself well, freedom is doing its own thing... I think so, but maybe I'm wrong... Help me understand it and make the right choice, I'm already tired... I feel bad without him and I can't live like this anymore either. Who am I to him? Why is he behaving like this? And in general, I have a feeling that he is depressed and does not want anything at all ... Could this be a midlife crisis?
Answer please?
04 Mar 2017
Olesya Verevkina
ElenaS, Ekaterina Krupetskaya will answer as soon as the opportunity arises, since working on the forum is essentially volunteering in her free time.
Mar 05 2017
Elena C, hello!
You yourself seem to see what is happening with your husband: he is confused in something, trying to figure himself out. Maybe that's why he needed distance. Maybe he, like many people, has come to a point where he does not understand his future and is trying to find answers, does he want to continue living his old life, or does he want to discover new stage. According to your description, both needs are strong in him: to leave those attachments that he feels for you and children, and to try something new for himself. Sounds like a midlife crisis. How he will get out of it - neither I nor you are destined to know. Yes, and it is harmful, in my opinion, for you.
We cannot, no matter how much we want to, decide something FOR another person. We can only do this for ourselves. I understand perfectly how hard it is for you to endure a situation of uncertainty. Do you agree that at any time you yourself can stop it? I understand that you are not ready to break off relations with your husband, they have a lot of value for you. You seem to be trying to find an answer - does your husband or I have any guarantees of his return? There are definitely no guarantees. But I think there are chances.
When you write that you sometimes think about the possibility of ending a relationship, how do you imagine it now, could you speculate?
If you imagine (only mentally) that you have already made this decision. Let's say you wake up the next morning after this (all conversations are over). Could you imagine how you would start this morning? In all the little things, with all the details. What would you do that you are not doing now?
07 Mar 2017
ElenaC
You know, I don't even know... I'm probably not ready to be myself yet. Although the farther, the more I begin to understand that I begin to like living on my own (except for the financial side, it is very difficult) and in general such an attitude probably kills love over time ... I myself got confused ... I don’t understand myself ...
Mar 12 2017
ElenaC
You know, probably nothing would have changed, the only thing, if it weren’t for the financial side, would go out to people more, would be distracted from these thoughts, there were also thoughts of changing jobs, I work at home, I sit within four walls, and so I would communicate with people ... Although it’s hard for us to work here ... You know, of course, it’s not easy for me now, but I understand that this is a sick relationship ... I decided to break them, although my heart screams no, but my mind says it's time... I'm sitting here thinking how and when to tell him about it, and I want and I'm afraid of the future... I don't know if I made the right choice? And this is very hard on my soul, I am afraid that I will regret it!
