If the child does not obey at 7 years. Disobedient child. How to behave if the child does not obey? Parental Behavior

All parents want to see their child obedient. For many of them, this seems to be complete obedience, that is, the child right now must do everything that they say to him without argument or question. But do not forget that the child - although it is small, but still a person, not your slave. Where to find the fine line between indulging and violent orders, how to properly motivate a child to obey? The child does not obey at 6 years old, what will be the advice of a psychologist?

The reasons that the child does not obey at 6 years.

Psychologist's advice if the child does not obey at 6 years old.

If your child does not obey at the age of 6, then psychologists recommend listening to these tips:

Psychologists say that there are no completely disobedient children. There are children who are sometimes naughty. The main thing here is to find the right approach to your child, so as not to suppress his will, to grow a self-sufficient personality, and not an obedient slave. To find an individual approach specifically to your child will help a consultation with a psychologist.

Being good parents is no easy task. Very often you can hear complaints from mothers and fathers that their children have become uncontrollable, capricious, and sometimes even aggressive. But nothing but love was invested in them. What kind of metamorphoses periodically happen to growing personalities? These age-related transition periods are called crises, and the 7-year crisis is considered one of the most difficult.

The specifics of the transitional age of a primary school student

In a crisis period, the child behaves manneredly, pretentiously

Throughout life, a person experiences five crises:

at 1 year (occurs due to a lack of understanding by adults of words, facial expressions and gestures);
at 3 years old (conflict of separation of self in relations with adults who do not always accept the baby’s desire to be independent);
at 7 years old (occurs against the background of the beginning of a new stage of socialization - admission to the first class and self-awareness as a person);
at 17 years old (due to the need for self-determination after a carefree and familiar school life);
in 30 years (associated with summing up the intermediate results of life, analysis of achievements and defeats).

Each of these periods deserves the attention and participation of loved ones, but at the age of seven this is especially important. According to psychologists, a child of 6–7 years of age has his social self.Therefore, the baby will have to build new relationships with new people: classmates, teachers. And now he needs to receive a positive assessment of his actions, which he needs, not only from loving family members, but also from strangers.

Features of the development of children 6-7 years old

The game remains the leading activity for primary school students

With the achievement of school age, the child undergoes a powerful restructuring of the whole organism, which is associated with the intensive development of the peripheral nervous system, musculoskeletal system, cardiovascular and endocrine systems. This leads to special mobility and activity of babies, but at the same time, overstrain of an emotional nature and fatigue.

Also at this age a new type of activity appears - study. And if before the leading activity was the game, now the kid wants to feel like an adult - to go to study faster. Although the game has not yet left his life, therefore, the education of primary schoolchildren, as a rule, is based on this type of activity, that is, on the experience of children. At the same time, one should not forget that the nature of the memory of a six-year-to-seven-year-old peanut is of an involuntary nature. Therefore, the brighter the image of a particular concept, the easier it is for the baby to remember it. But focusing on one thing is still difficult for him. And against the background of these contradictions in development, a crisis of seven years arises.

The main signs of a crisis period

Disobedience and aggression are key signs of a 7 year crisis

It is almost impossible not to notice the onset of the transitional stage, because it is most clearly manifested in behavior. The main features of the transition phase are:

mannerism in public, in the family, attempts to imitate elders (relatives, heroes of movies, books);
antics (most often aimed at the closest);
the appearance of restraint (a child at the age of 7 loses his ability to involuntarily - directly - respond to certain events, now the baby comprehends everything that happens around him);
periodic ignoring of requests or instructions of elders, disobedience;
unreasonable attacks of anger (freaking out, breaking toys, screaming) or, conversely, withdrawal into oneself;
differentiation of one’s self into public and internal;
the need for recognition by adults around the significance of personality.

It often happens that parents from this entire list pay attention only to disobedience: in fact, the usual hierarchy of adult-child relationships is violated, the baby becomes "uncomfortable." However, this is a misconception about the significance of this manifestation of the crisis. It is much more important that a small person in this period needs understanding and care. And in this regard, parents should better leave their grievances and try to help their child.

How to make contact with the baby?

Do not punish the child, always try to agree

Yuri Entin: “What kind of children are today, right, there is no government for them, We spend our health, But they don’t give a damn about it ...”

In order for the crisis seven years of age to go as painlessly as possible, adults should reconsider their relationship with the child. Psychologists advise paying special attention to a number of points:

Allow yourself to be independent. Of course, each member of the family has a certain range of responsibilities, and the child can fulfill them on an equal basis with adults. A grown-up younger schoolchild will quite cope, for example, with caring for a pet (feed a parrot, walk a dog, etc.). So he feels that he is the same adult that a certain side of family life depends on him. At the same time, sometimes remind the child that the main things in the house are mom and dad, which no one can replace. To make the baby clearly convinced of this, arrange the day on the contrary - parents will become children, and children will be parents.
Recognize your child’s right to mood. A kid, like any adult, is subject to emotional changes. He, like mom and dad, may have a day when everything falls out of his hands, he wants to be alone and even cry. In this case, do not bother to show emotions, and after some time talk about this situation, find out the reason for this decline. Surely, this is a reaction to someone’s unkind word or problem at school, with a teacher or classmates.
Negotiate. 7 years is the age when the baby already perfectly understands the value of promises. He remembers what he promised, as good as what he himself promised. Therefore, if you promised something - be sure to follow it, if this is not possible - explain to your child the reasons why the promise is postponed, and also specify the time when you can fulfill it. Otherwise, the child will understand that the word can be broken, that there are no obligations that could not be circumvented.
Dose the pressure. There are situations when it is simply not possible to agree, as the baby still does not have certain boundaries of behavior (for example, you can’t raise your hand to a girl, adult or communicate with your mother as a peer). In this case, of course, one cannot do without an authoritarian approach ("We will do it because it’s right. You still don’t understand it, because it’s small"). But the most important thing in the statement of requirements is a calm tone of voice. Hearing the even tone of my mother’s or father’s voice, which reminds the baby that he still doesn’t pick everything up due to his age, the child’s mind will want to understand the reasons for this or that action, and this, in turn, will distract from whims and disobedience. You just need to include this approach as rarely as possible, otherwise the child will get used to doing everything only under pressure.
Attract a sense of humor. The best way to get your child to do something is to start doing with him. And so that he would be happy to perform certain actions, for example, washing dishes, in the process of working together, look for funny moments (you can come up with funny nicknames for kitchen utensils or compose a whole story about the adventures of a spoon and a cup, etc.)
Give up punishment completely. Scientists have proven that physical punishment does not carry any pedagogical value. As well as psychological pressure. The fact is that the baby is obviously weaker than the adult, therefore, can not resist pressure. But even having done everything as you need, he will not understand why he was forced against his will. And subsequently a person will grow out of it, convinced that the superiority of strength or age plays a key role in solving any issues.
Give the opportunity to splash out your aggression. For this, you can, for example, hang a punching bag in the room or replace it with a pillow. As an alternative to the forceful outburst of emotions, you can crumple paper, newspapers and throw it in the basket. It is also useful sometimes to give the baby the opportunity to shout.
Talk with the baby. Talk with your child on an equal footing, talk about how your life has had such a difficult period. Share your experience of how you found a way out of the situation.
Periodically “rest” from each other.If you feel that the passions are heating up to the limit, the child does not listen to you, does not perceive you, try to live separately for a couple of days. It is only important that you leave, and not send the baby. So in the familiar home environment, he will feel more how much he needs you, and, taking advantage of the situation, it will be possible to easily find mutual understanding.
Load. Give your baby special tasks related to the manifestation of creative initiative. So you prepare him for a new learning activity. Also periodically engage in activities with your child: this will not only strengthen your emotional connections, but also add authority to your child’s eyes.

Video: how to behave with a child if he is crazy and nervous

Any crisis is a difficult period in the life of a person and everyone around him. As for the turning point of 7 years, it is further enhanced by the fact that the child cannot find a solution to internal conflicts on his own. Therefore, adults must show all their sensitivity, love in order for the crisis of 7 years to go away easily and end quickly.

Seven years is an interesting age in the development of a child, in the formation of his character. Parents at this moment should be extremely attentive to the ongoing changes in order to be able to maintain confidence. Usually this period is associated with admission to first grade and the beginning of school. He is characterized by changes in the mood of the baby, his desire to become a good student, whom teachers praise. Increases mental, mental stress, which leads to irritability, nervousness, tearfulness. If your child has reached the age of 7 years, his character and way of perceiving the surrounding reality can change dramatically. Do not be surprised at such changes - they are absolutely natural. It is important to know what to do in certain cases, what to do when he does not obey, behaves impudently, even rudely.

How to behave a loving mother and the whole family? What to do in case of specific difficulties? The following are the advice of a psychologist that allows parents to learn to understand their children, build sincere, strong relationships with them based on love and mutual trust.

Need for independence

If your child does not obey, do not rush to punish him. Perhaps he thus draws attention to himself or demonstrates the individual qualities of character. For a child of seven years old, it is imperative that others consult with him, accept him. He wants to show to those who are nearby that he is already quite old and independent. A 7-year-old child can already be entrusted with some household chores: washing dishes, taking out trash, cleaning tracks, and cleaning his room. Of course, this "maturity" is due to the new social status. The child goes to school, feels a burden of responsibility on his shoulders. He wants to prove that he is capable of much. The need for independence is expressed in the fact that children tend to defend their position in the dispute, often do not obey their parents. In relation to younger brothers and sisters, the seven-year-old usually has some authority.

How should parents behave in this case? What to do to maintain a harmonious relationship? If the child is often offended and naughty, calmly find out the reason, but do not immediately try to force him to something. The age of seven years suggests that from now on, you need to talk more with your daughter or son, convince, and not just blindly try to control the life of a small person. Of course, few people would think of a first-grader as an adult, but one should not treat him the same as a kindergartener. Assign him more feasible tasks, set real tasks for him, which the child is able to carry out. Then the son or daughter will have the opportunity to be proud of themselves, their achievements.

Leading Change

This circumstance plays an important role in shaping attitudes towards oneself and people around. In preschool childhood, the game is dominated by the child. By six or seven years, everything is changing. It is at this moment that the children go to school. The future first-grader is aimed at studying and firmly believes that he will succeed. From the moment of entering the school, the leading activity changes to the educational one: from now on there is an obligation to do homework, study in a group, and be able to behave correctly. It is extremely difficult for some children to sit for forty minutes in the classroom, all the time they want to turn somewhere, to talk with someone. A son or daughter of seven years brings additional troubles to parents: you need to check the completion of homework, to track in what form the child goes to school. As a result of all the loads and a sharp change in the usual rhythm of life, children are often lost, do not know what to do in certain cases. For a first grader, a poor mark can be a reason for a real frustration.

Parents at this stage require maximum support and understanding. Take time to practice with the child, do not spare the invaluable hours spent on lessons. You cannot endlessly reproach the baby for the fact that he does not succeed. If the first grader is nervous and does not obey, continue to speak in a calm, even voice. So he can rather calm down and not get hung up on failures.

Student Responsibilities

It is not so easy to start doing something new. Gradually, fatigue tends to accumulate and obscure the joy of victory. Doing homework can seem like a difficult task when there is no experience and skill. If the baby, moreover, is rather restless, then it will be doubly difficult for him. Parents here should come to the rescue, timely support, encourage, direct in the right direction. The obligations of the student impose a great responsibility on the child: you need to correctly allocate your time, do the tasks on time, and help mom around the house. For seven years, this is more than enough. If a child cannot cope with something, then he has a feeling of guilt, uncontrolled aggression, tearfulness, apathy may appear.

The desire to be a good student

Having entered school, a son or daughter have before their eyes examples of their classmates. Someone studies well and grabs material on the fly, while learning is more difficult for others. Not always the student himself is to blame for the failure. Children simply cannot be all the same and learn at an incredible speed. The child, for obvious reasons, wants to be among the first and successful. It is inspired by the prospect of having good grades in the diary and accepting the praise of parents. Who wants to listen to teachers' disapproval every day and upset mom and dad? Here he often has an internal contradiction. On the one hand, he wants to be among those who are praised by teachers, on the other hand, there is irritation due to the load, which he splashes out on adults. Sometimes babies are asked so much that they can only be surprised - there is no time to rest and play. A child of seven years old necessarily needs the support of parents. Someone must teach him to relate to school matters, to distribute the load. If such an understanding is not observed in the family, significant feelings can arise, which are very difficult to get rid of.

Broadening the horizons

Children at the age of seven already know quite a lot. They can even argue with adults about some phenomena of reality. If your offspring manifests itself as a real scholar, it is worth it to rejoice. Not every child has a need to learn new things, to strive for something more than what society requires of him. Expanding horizons imposes certain obligations on the child: to be the first among the best, always answer correctly in the classroom. Just think about what a big load it is on the psyche. Sometimes it comes to the point that the baby ceases to feel satisfaction from classes, but simply tries to please others. If you notice such manifestations in your child, then you need to try to protect him from this. It is necessary to broaden one's horizons, but not to the detriment of everything else. Parents can demonstrate by their own example why it is important to strive for more, but to be able to enjoy what you already have. Do not allow other people to control your child, put it in a deliberately false framework, or impose additional restrictions.

Adult authority

Reaching seven years, children are able to subject to some revision the life position of their immediate environment. The power of the parents over him is still very strong, but at the same time, the baby begins to clearly manifest his personality. For this reason, situations may arise when a child refuses to obey, does not behave in the best way. He just wants to prove that he is also worth reckoning with, wants to demonstrate his position. Sometimes a son or daughter can really be harmful, resort to tricks. It all depends on the behavior of a particular child, his character, upbringing and parental attitudes. It is known that children always copy their mothers and fathers. Under certain conditions, experienced professionals can easily find out what is happening in the family. Feelings and mood of the child play a big role.

If the child refuses to do something, sort out the situation. Do not accustom him to the fact that under any circumstances you begin to swear and express all sorts of discontent. Maintain your parental authority and do not disappoint the child. Of course, it costs a lot of work and some effort. Such a thing often happens as the depreciation of previous patterns of interaction between parents and children. Those techniques that worked quietly three years ago, with the seven-year plan no longer pass. If the child does not obey you, it means that he is growing up. He now has his own ideas formed on many things, although they are also quite childish.

Thus, seven years is the moment when the child is actively undergoing socialization, is part of the school team. It was at this time that he made friends and comrades. To join the society and become a part of it, he needs to learn a bunch of rules, make his mistakes, and this is not always easy.

There are many reasons for children's disobedience, and at each age they are different - that is, at 2 years, 5, 7, 8, or 9 years, the child behaves badly due to some certain factors. Although, of course, there are general negative prerequisites, for example, permissiveness.

The question of what to do when the child does not obey at all is not uncommon. And you can’t leave the situation to chance, because often bad behavior takes extreme forms when the baby or is practically bewildered. Let's get it right.

The list of situations when a child behaves inappropriately is a lot.

Below are 5 typical patterns of childhood disobedience, each of which has its own background and age limits:

. It often happens that after a repeated warning, a two-year-old baby breaks out of her mother’s hands for a walk, grabs sharp objects, etc. Naturally, such acts are exhausting.
. The child responds to any mother's request or request with resistance, protest,. He does not want to dress, sit down at the table, or return from a walk. This behavior is often found in children 3 years old and even 4 years old.
The child interferes with others. Even at 5 years old, children can behave simply unbearably: screaming and running in public places, pushing and kicking. As a result, the mother is very ashamed of the displeased looks and comments of the people around her. Most often, at the age of 7, this problem completely disappears.
. At the request of adults to get dressed, to clean the room, the children respond with silence and ignoring the words addressed to them. This behavior is especially characteristic at 10 years of age and older, when the teenage riot begins.
. Such actions are more characteristic of primary preschool age. At 4 years old, children may loudly demand to insist on purchasing an expensive toy or some kind of sweets.

To solve such problems, there are educational methods that are designed to make the child more obedient. But before describing them, you should understand why the children do not obey.

Reasons for disobedience

The sources of “wrong” behavior are sometimes very easy to establish by simply analyzing the baby’s actions and his reaction to them. In other situations, the provoking factors are hidden, so the analysis should be deeper.

Below are the most common causes of disobedience for children of different ages:

Crisis period. Psychology identifies several main crisis stages: 1 year, 3 years, 5, 7 years, 10 - 12 years (the beginning of the transitional age). Naturally, the boundaries are rather arbitrary, something more important is different - during these periods there are significant changes in the children's personality and abilities of the child. Both the psyche and behavior change.
Too many bans. Riot is a natural reaction of children of any age to restrictions. With the constantly sounding word “impossible”, the child sometimes specifically violates the prohibitions in order to prove his independence and “annoy” parents.
Parent inconsistency. For various reasons, parents impose sanctions on the child for the fact that yesterday, if not encouraged, then not condemned. Naturally, he is confused, disoriented, which is expressed in disobedience.
Permissiveness. In this situation, on the contrary, there are practically no restrictions. The child is allowed literally everything, because parents confuse the concepts of “happy childhood” and “carefree childhood”. The result of indulging any whims is spoiling;
Disagreements on parenting issues. Different requirements for a child are not uncommon. For example, fathers usually demand more from their children, while mothers show sympathy and pity. Or a conflict may arise between parents and the older generation. In any case, disobedience is a consequence of the disorientation of the child.
Disrespect for a child’s personality. Often, adults are convinced that a child of 8 or 9 years old is as "disempowered" as a one-year-old. They do not want to listen to his opinion, therefore it is not surprising that as a result protest behavior arises.
Conflicts in the family. Adults, figuring out their own relationships, forget about the child. And he tries to attract attention through pranks or even serious misconduct. Subsequently, it becomes a habit.

There are frequent cases when the child’s behavior worsens after changing the composition of the family: divorce or birth of a brother / sister. The main motive for disobedience in such situations is the desire to attract attention.

How to respond to disobedience?

The typical problems and causes of child disobedience have already been said. Now you need to understand what parents should do if the child does not obey.

It is worth noting that we will focus on actions that nevertheless remain within the normal range. That is, we will consider it is disobedience, and not deviant behavior.

A useful and relevant article in which the psychologist talks about how parental cries affect his future life.

Another important article that addresses the topic of physical punishment. The psychologist will explain,.

What to do with a child if he behaves so thoughtlessly that it threatens his health or even his life? It is necessary to introduce a system of rigid frames that are forbidden to cross.

A 3-year-old kid who is actively cognizing the world simply does not imagine how dangerous it is. However, due to age-related peculiarities, it does not understand lengthy explanations; therefore, the system of restrictions is based on conditioned-reflexive behavior.

A child, having heard a certain word, is obliged to stop purely reflexively. This is important because there is not always time to explain the situation and the likely consequences.

To make this whole design work, necessary:

pick up a signal wordwhich would mean a categorical ban. It is best not to use the word "not" for this purpose, because the child hears it constantly. The signals “stop”, “dangerous”, “forbid” will come up;
demonstrate the relationship between the signal word and the negative effect. Of course, the situation should not pose a serious danger to the child. For example, if a child pulls a finger to a needle, you can let him feel the pain of an acute one. In really dangerous situations, you need to repeatedly pronounce the signal expression: "It is dangerous to take a knife.", "It is dangerous to touch the stove.";
remove emotions. Sometimes a child of 5 years of age deliberately provokes a danger, so that mom gets scared for him, and he is fed with her emotions. That is why you should not show your strong feelings when the baby is behaving this way.

The introduction of categorical prohibitions should also be accompanied by a reduction in other restrictions, since otherwise there is a risk that the child will simply get confused about what is possible and what cannot be done.

As already noted, children go through several crises, which are characterized by protest moods. A growing up person strives for autonomy, however, rarely what parent is ready to provide it at 5, 8 or 9 years.

What should parents do in this case? Allow the child to be more independent and make decisions. Agree, you can give him the opportunity to decide what he will have breakfast or what he will wear to school.

Such things will seem to parents a trifle, but for a growing child it is a kind of pass to the adult world. He also feels that he can benefit his loved ones.

If the child insists on carrying out a deliberately “losing” task, let him complete it (unless, of course, this does not harm the baby himself). However, after an unsatisfactory result, you do not need to say, they say, I warned, etc.

If the protest turned into hysteria, the adult should remain calm, otherwise the emotional outburst will only intensify. It is necessary to save the child from the audience, hug him or, on the contrary, step back a bit, without losing sight of him. It all depends on the circumstances.

The child interferes with others

In this case, it must be made clear that there are general behavioral principles that must be followed. Naturally, if the child does not obey at 4 years old, then he may simply not understand the importance of fulfilling these requirements.

Nevertheless, it is necessary to make comments, explain and, in the end, bring up children. Therefore, the mother, for the second and eighth time, should repeat seemingly obvious things: “Do not kick the chair, because the man is not comfortable sitting in front.”

If it does not work out now, then closer to 8 years the child will learn the rules of behavior, which are so often repeated by mom or dad. And the more accessible it is to explain, the sooner this moment will come.

Children don’t want to listen to a parent who reads him a notation, for two reasons:

the child is busy, is in his thoughts, so he does not even hear what the parent is talking about;
this is another version of protest behavior.

In the first case, children who have autistic traits manifest themselves in this way. However, this behavior can also be manifested in gifted children, as they constantly scroll through many different ideas in their heads.

It is necessary to understand why a child cannot or does not want to listen, in order to correct the situation in time or try to improve relations. A qualified psychologist will tell you what to do in this case.

Protest behavior is typical for children over 9 years old and especially for adolescents. They want more independence, so they are angry with their parents, refuse to listen to them, thus resisting their requirements.

It doesn’t matter if a rebellious teenager or a three-year-old child does not obey his parents, the methods for solving the problem will be similar. We need to give children more independence if this does not harm their safety, and more love and support.

The child demands to buy him something

You do not need to wait until demands and moodiness turn into a hysterical attack. It is best to immediately leave the store and pick up the child on a plausible pretext. For example, explain that you forgot the money.

The failed "buyer" must be diverted to another action. Pay attention to the running cat, count the birds on the branch, repeat the learned poem. Usually, kids quickly forget about an imperfect purchase.

If the child is older than 6 - 7 years old, then you should already agree with him. Let him argue why he needs this particular thing. Find out if he agrees to spend his pocket money (if any) on a toy or phone.

Then it is worth promising to add the missing amount for a birthday or New Year and buy the thing you like. Naturally, the promise must be kept without fail.

We examined what needs to be done if the child does not obey in typical situations. However there are general recommendationsthat will be useful to all parents. And it doesn’t matter how old the child is - 3, 5, 8 or 9 years.

Reduce the number of bans, leaving them for really serious situations. In this case, the number of punishments will immediately decrease.
If a child of 8 years old does not obey, and you are used to solving the problem with a scream, try to calm down and make comments in a calm tone.
If your child does not listen due to enthusiasm, try to attract his attention not with screams, but rather with a whisper, facial expressions or gestures. The interlocutor willy-nilly will have to listen.
Do not voice your demands many times. First, just warn the child to stop indulging, then a disciplinary measure follows. And after punishment, the reason for such strict measures is explained.
Try not to use the particle “NOT” in speech. This advice is based on the belief that children do not perceive a negative particle, literally accepting a request as a guide to action.
If the children hysteria, there is no need at this moment to appeal to their mind. Calm yourself, confirm your demand again without raising your voice. This takes place more at 8, 9 years, and with young children distracting maneuver will work.
Be consistent in actions, demands and promises. Also enlist the support of your spouse and grandmothers. Consistency will not disorient a child who has no reason to act defiantly.
Try to spend more time with your children. And it’s important not the number of minutes, but the quality of the interaction.
Morally prepare for the inevitable growing up. The child is growing, he needs more independence to realize his desires and plans. To the extent possible, ensure this independence.
Show sincere interest. Find out how your grown-up child lives. Perhaps his favorite films are not so superficial, and the music is quite melodic.

If a child at 10 years old or at 2 years old does not obey after months of effort on your part, it is better to consult a psychologist.

In order for the child to obey or, at least, adequately relate to the requirements of adults, it is necessary to restore the most trusting child-parent relations and establish an emotional connection.

Ways to establish trust:

It is important for the child to understand what can be told to parents about his disturbing situation. Also, a little man needs to know that he can ask adults questions without fear that they will get angry. At the same time, parents should ask, clarify without hesitation, talking about several ways to solve the problem.
If you need to report some important news or ask for something urgent, it is better not to scream, but to approach, acquire - that is, create a physical contact. Such an action will show your high interest in this situation, and the child will have less reason to refuse you.
When communicating, you need to maintain eye contact, but the look should be soft. If the parent looks angry, then the child subconsciously feels the threat, the desire to put pressure on him, so each treatment is perceived as an order.
Education implies not only requirements, but also gratitude. Praise, words of approval are the best incentive for children, because they hear them from their parents. By the way, material encouragement is not as valuable for a child as sincere mother or father’s gratitude.
You should not forget that you are a parent, that is, older and more experienced than your child. Excessively friendly relations often lead to the fact that the child ceases to perceive you as a defender, the main person in the family. That is, you need to be more flexible.

It is important to learn how to properly respond to any problem, to consider it from all sides, including from the perspective of the child. In this case, trust will certainly return, and, therefore, children will no longer need to confront their parents.

The power of personal example

Children do not always respond properly to a simple explanation of why you need to behave anyway. It is better to educate by personal example, because this method works much more efficiently than numerous words and wishes.

If the child is 6 years old does not obey, perhaps you should listen to his arguments, an explanation of the act. It is especially important to demonstrate justice in adolescence, so find the strength to reconsider your decision, if it was incorrect, and ask for forgiveness for the mistake.

In one not the most wonderful moment, almost every parent can face the problem of disobedience. However, do not despair and resolve the issue by force; it is better to build a relationship with the child so that conflicts do not reach the point of no return.

Also, consider whether the obedient child is so good. After all, some manifestations of disobedience are associated with the normal course of age-related crises, and if children never mind, they may lack independence and desire for self-development.

And finally, adults themselves should serve as a model of constructive behavior. Agree that it is foolish to require the child to listen and hear if the parents do not always keep their promises, change requirements without due justification and do not want to concede in the small.

As you know, a person is formed in childhood, whence habits, habits, character that affect the state of his life activity are subsequently transferred to adulthood. The formation and formation of personality is always a complex process, which is necessarily accompanied by protest from the child. Often, one form of child protest is disobedience. In such situations or even periods, many parents do not know how to behave. The result is a lack of understanding between generations, which is growing more and more each time. To avoid such tragic consequences, it is advisable for parents to understand the reason for the child's disobedience. After all, the solution to any problem lies in its origins.

Does the kid not want to dress in anything? He does not flatly refuse to wash his hands before eating? When you speak: "No" - throws things and gets angry. Pulling a cat's tail after what you said that it hurts. Licks on the bus handrails. And then your patience comes to an end. You have already tried the entire arsenal: banned, joked, distracted - nothing helps. What to do when the child’s code is unbearable and does not obey ...

Reasons for child disobedience

The main factors that can provoke a child to disobedience include:

1. Age crisis

In psychological practice, several periods of the age crisis are distinguished: year, preschool, adolescent / transitional age.

Time frames can be set individually. However, it is precisely with the onset of age-related crisis periods in the life of a child that significant changes occur. For example, in a year he begins to walk actively, learns independence and learns the world with interest. Parents, for reasons of child safety, make various restrictions on the exciting process, thereby provoking a protest from the child.

We also read: How to get through the crisis periods of childhood and adolescence and instill confidence and independence in the child.

2. A large number of requirements and restrictions

Restrictions and prohibitions are of maximum benefit only in moderation. When everything is always forbidden to the child, he begins to rebel. If very often the child hears "DO NOT", this causes him protest and disobedience. For the experiment, you can calculate the amount of the spoken word "not" within an hour or a whole day. If the indicators are off scale, then it makes sense to extend the restrictions only to those actions of the child that could be potentially dangerous for him: playing on the road, pampering with medicines or electrical appliances. But you should not constantly forbid the baby to play noisily, run or even throw toys.

3. Lack of parental sequence

When parents look through their fingers at the petty pranks of children, the children consider their behavior to be normal. But if you suddenly got a headache, for example, some troubles and problems at work, it was a hard day, stressful situations, your mood was gone - the parents punish the child for behavior that has always been considered “normal”. Then the child is at a loss, a conflict occurs, arising from a misunderstanding of the reason for the punishment. With the regular recurrence of such situations, internal conflict begins to manifest itself in disobedience.

4. Permissiveness

In this case, all restrictions and prohibitions have been lifted, and the child is absolutely free in his actions and words. Parents are happy, because everything is allowed to the child, any whim is satisfied and the child means “happy childhood”. But such an idyll continues until a certain point, when it becomes clear that the child is uncontrolled. Then all attempts to instill in him the norms of a correct and respectful attitude come down to his disobedience, because the child is already spoiled.

5. Inconsistency of words and deeds

At a subconscious level, children always repeat the behavior of their parents, the features of which can be the main reason for children's disobedience, as this is hidden precisely in the behavior of parents. A striking example is the lack of fulfillment of promises, in particular, punishments, which results in ignoring parental words due to a frivolous attitude towards them. Or you can promise to reward the child with something for good behavior, but do not keep your promises. So why then listen to you, because you still cheat.

6. Miscellaneous requirements of family members

When one of the parents makes high demands on the child, and the other slowly pities and spoils him, one of them loses authority in the children's eyes, which is expressed in the absence of obedience. Such a conflict is typical between parents (mom and dad: for example, dad makes more severe demands on the child, and mom secretly regrets and sympathizes with the baby, pampers him. Dad in such cases, at least for the sake of visibility, they can listen and respect, but you don’t need to listen to mom. Or vice versa, you need to obey your mother, she will always protect her, but not her father. In any case, a compassionate mother will intercede with this tyrant.) And grandparents, the latter of whom tend to indulge their beloved grandchildren and then their parents suffer.

7. Lack of respect for the child

In this case, disobedience is more a protest against injustice and your disrespect. If parents do not want to listen and hear their child, as well as their full confidence that the child should not have their own opinion, a protest arises from the children's side. It is important to remember that the child is a person, and he always has an opinion about everything in the world, even the most insignificant. In this case, at a minimum, attention must be paid to this.

8. Frequent family conflicts, divorce

Many parents in finding out their attitude and solving various problems forget to give the child a sufficient amount of attention. As a rule, switching to a child occurs due to his leprosy and pranks only in order to punish, after which the baby again goes by the wayside. Over time, this all leads to childish disobedience, as a way to attract attention.

As for divorce, for every child it is a lot of stress. There comes the realization that now communication with parents will occur separately. Then the child begins to practice a defiant manner of behavior, because when he does something, parents can combine their educational efforts for a while, just what he needs.

Video consultation: What to do when the child does not obey?

Teacher’s questions are answered by the teacher of the Voronezh Waldorf school “Rainbow”, teacher of the 7th grade Anastasia Vladimirovna Eliseeva.

How to achieve obedience?

Whatever the cause of childhood disobedience, it is important to fight this. Namely:

Relate the amount of punishment and praise: a child must be punished for serious misconduct, but do not forget about praise.
Watch how you express your prohibition and how you react to the child’s misconduct. Shouting and categorization should be replaced with a calm tone. At the same time, one should not be ashamed of one’s feelings, frankly telling the child what exactly and to what extent is upsetting. "Son, I'm so upset with your behavior." - believe me, the child will behave in a completely different way.
Use alternative ways to draw children's attention to your words. When a child is very passionate about something, it can be difficult to get him to switch to something else. Alternatively, you can turn to him in a whisper (also use facial expressions and gestures). The child will immediately notice a change in the volume of speech and begin to listen - what happened.
Do not voice your requests many times , because the child will get used to repeated repetitions, and the reaction on his part will begin only after the repetition, followed by the punishment. To avoid this, it is advisable to develop a certain algorithm of actions: the first warning should be aimed at stimulating the child to stop his actions without punishment; second, if he ignored the remark, punishment should follow; after punishment, it is important to explain to the child the reason why he was punished. When strictly following this algorithm, the child’s subconscious mind will begin to respond to the first remark made.
When communicating with a child, it is necessary to abandon the use of the “NOT” particle: Often in response to your requests: “Don't run”, “don't jump”, “don't scream”the child does the opposite. Do not think or worry about what your child is doing to you in spite, just the human psyche, and especially the child’s, is arranged in such a way that phrases with a negative semantic color are omitted during perception. For this reason, it is advisable to replace the negative particle with alternative phrases.
When a child protests in the form of hysteria, try to calm down and not pay attention to it. When the child calms down, you should once again explain your request or requirements, using a calm tone. A great option is a distracting maneuver when children's attention switches to a more entertaining business or subject. For example, a child expresses a desire for an independent meal, but all his attempts fail, because most of the food is on the floor. When adults try to feed the baby, protests, tantrums and disobedience begin. Then you can switch children's attention to the doll, which the child must feed. He will surely enjoy such an undertaking. And at this time it becomes possible to feed the baby.
It is always necessary to observe consistency in words, actions, requirements and actions. In case of the slightest discrepancies, the child will cease to obey, but not out of harm as it may seem, but the cause of disobedience will be his confusion. To achieve the most positive result, all family members must agree on a sequence.
Give your child sufficient attention despite being busy and having problems. In this case, we are not talking about the amount of time spent together. Its quality is important. Even half an hour of interesting time together with a child can not be compared with a whole day of unproductive communication.
Be sympathetic to growing up. It is the period of growing up that is most often the cause of disobedience. Often under the influence of friends, a growing teenager shows his “coolness”. Thus, the child tries to express himself and prove his independence. It is important to choose the right approach to the child without losing credibility and trust in his eyes.
With the loss of children's trust and respect, you should try to return them. There is no need to get into the soul of a child, it is enough to show interest in his life. It may turn out that the music he listens to is not as terrible as it seems, but modern literature can also have a deep philosophical meaning. In the process of communication, it will become clear that there are many topics for conversation, where tastes and opinions converge.

Consultation of Yana Kataeva (specialist in family relations after the birth of children): what to do if the child does not obey - 5 tips for parents. Strengthen communication with the child

How to restore contact with the child?

Continuing the theme of parental rapprochement with the child, several important points should be highlighted, due to which mutual spiritual and emotional contact with the child becomes possible:

Confidential relationships play an important role in children's obedience, the result of which is the child's understanding that parents are better at coping with problems. The advantage of such a relationship as opposed to unconditional submission is the ability of the baby to ask his questions without fear of angry parents. Parents, in turn, should ask counter-questions, making it clear that the problem can be solved in several ways: “What do you think is best to do?” Can I count on your help? Can I ask you to do this? ”
If you want to ask the child about an important request, you should not forget about physical contact with him: you can hug him, kiss him, stroke him. It would be better than repeatedly shouting his request to him across the room. By touching, the child is aware of a mutual interest in fulfilling the request. This is the way to say: “We are together, and this is the main thing. What I tell you will not break our contact. I hope only to strengthen it. The most important thing is relations, not the desire of each of us. ”
It is equally important to maintain confidential visual contact with the child. In the presence of sharp movements and a stern look, the child begins to defend on the subconscious, perceiving any request as a threat and the desire to exert psychological pressure on him, and perceives the request to fulfill something as an ultimatum.
If you want the child to constantly and obediently fulfill your requests, it is extremely important to thank him for the next task or service rendered. Words of gratitude strengthen the child’s faith that they love him and that it is on him that the improvement of relations depends. Moral, psychological encouragement is appreciated by children much higher than sweets. Thus, an incentive to work is developed. We also read:
The child must understand that in especially urgent cases when there is a threat to the safety of the family, all its members must obediently obey the elder. To do this, the baby should be aware of possible problems. He should delicately explain that strict adherence to the rules is the basis for saving lives and human health. In this case, we can mention the possibility of negotiating with parents. It will not be superfluous if the child is convinced of the readiness of the parents to obey him in special cases.

Situations

Any theory should always be supported by practice. In this case, for clarity and a kind of "practical guide" for parents, it makes sense to consider and analyze the following situations:

Situation 1. What age is most characteristic of childhood disobedience? When is the so-called reference point expected? Is disobedience typical for a one-year-old child?

In this case, everything is purely individual, and the "reference points" for all can begin at different ages. Kids can throw tantrums even at 2 years old, or at 5 years old they may not know that there is such a way to achieve their goal. A great influence is exerted by the environment and the people with whom the baby is surrounded. He can begin to imitate a cartoon hero or peer who orders tantrums to parents, after which he will begin to experiment on his own. In this situation, the main rule is the lack of indulgence of whims. Otherwise, this behavior will become a habit in the child.

Another thing is when disobedience is manifested in the validity of the baby's requirements. For example, he expresses a desire to dress independently, put on shoes or eat. As a result of the fact that he is not allowed to do this, the child begins to hysteria. And in this he is right. But if the hysteria has already begun, then he is right or not - still show firmness, he will have to come to terms with the fact that nothing can be achieved with cry and tears. And you make a conclusion for the future and do not provoke more such situations.

Situation 2. Disobedience and behavior problems can also occur in children of 2 years. Why is disobedience at this age? Why does the child not respond to requests from adults? And what to do in such cases?

According to experts, it is at the age of 2 that a personality begins to form in children, and by the age of 3 it is already almost fully formed. For this reason, at this age, as mentioned above, one should not indulge in childish whims, otherwise it will be too late.

It is also worth considering that the same child can behave differently with different carers. It's all about the correct presentation and communication with the baby. You may have noticed this in your family too - the child does not obey the mother, and the navel is implicit.

Situation 3. Most often, the peak of disobedience occurs in 2-4 years and manifests itself in frequent or even regular tantrums. What to do if a child 2-4 years old does not obey?

This age period in children is marked by a test of parents for strength and "probe" the boundaries of what is permitted. It is especially important to be patient with endurance. To miss this period in education means to doom yourself to big problems in the future with character, obedience, and family relationships, in general.

You can also practice emotional conversations with a child who, at that age, becomes reasonably intelligent and understanding. Talk with your child, become an authority for him, and not just a parent.

Situation 4. At the age of 6-7 years, the child already knows the value of his actions, distinguishing between good and bad behavior, how you can behave and how not. However, even at this age, some children show disobedience, only intentionally “evil”. What will be the recommendations for this age?

7 years is a kind of milestone, one of the turning points in the life of a child, when he begins to rethink and change his life views. And this is due to the beginning of the school period, when certain loads and requirements begin. In such a situation, praise is the best parenting tactic. Moreover, warm words must be spoken even with respect to insignificant moments. That praise will be a powerful incentive for which the child will try.

Situation 5. The naughty child is well aware of the reaction to his misconduct by all members of the family. Often, you may encounter a lack of understanding between them, when one parent scolds and punishes, and the other regrets or abolishes the punishment. How should the correct upbringing in the family be built? How to achieve unanimous conflict resolution?

The main thing that all family members must understand is that the child wraps up all the differences that arise in their favor. It is important to avoid such situations, since there is a high probability of loss of authority. The child's knowledge of the reactions of all family members allows him to manipulate them. Very often spoiled children grow up in such families, which subsequently become uncontrolled.

During the absence of the child, it is advisable to organize a family council, where you should discuss the current situation in detail. It is important to come to a common denominator in the issue of raising a child. It is also necessary to take into account some tricks that children resort to: they can ask permission from one adult, but not get consent. Then they immediately go to another - and he permits. The result is disobedience and disrespect for mom today, which can result in the same thing for dad tomorrow.

We also read: A friendly family will turn a mountain, or how to overcome disagreements in raising a child -

You need to understand that there are no trifles on the issue of raising a child. Kindergarten or elementary school teachers also discuss for themselves any little things, starting from where to change clothes for children, how to put a table and chairs in the lesson, in which sink the boys wash their hands, and in which girls, and other, seemingly insignificant questions for education . But this is necessary so that the children do not subsequently say that we are not sitting with Maria Ivanovna or that we are not standing with Natalya Petrovna. No need to give children reason to doubt the correctness of our requirements, because it all starts with little things. To begin with, the child simply does not understand why one speaks, do so, and the other - kind of. Questions arise, then a protest, and after the banal manipulation and refusal to obey the very first shaky situation.

Be sure to pay attention to children's tricks and manipulations by adults. For example, when a baby tries to take time off for a walk with his mother and receives an answer like: "First do the lessons, and then you go for a walk", then goes to his father with the same request and receives permission. Today, using his father’s rash permission, he shows disobedience and disrespect for the opinion of his mother, tomorrow he will also do with the father, and the day after tomorrow he will not ask parents at all. Stop such manipulations and provocations of conflict in the family. Agree among yourself that for any requests you both are first interested in the opinion of the other parent, you can just ask the child: “And what did dad (/ mom) say (/ a)?”, and then give an answer. If there are disagreements in opinions, discuss them among themselves, but it is necessary so that the child does not hear. In general, try not to clarify the relationship with the child, no matter what the issue is related to your dispute.

Situation 6. All mothers, without exception, are familiar with the situation when, when they visit a store together, a child asks to buy another toy or sweetness. However, constantly pleasing your beloved child with purchases is not possible. And then, on the refusal to buy the required thing, the child rolls a tantrum and in hysteria falls to the floor in the store. How to behave in such a situation?

There is nothing to be done, children always want something. They want the same hare as Masha’s, or the same typewriter as Igor’s - this is normal. Agree and we are by no means all and do not always agree to understand that you should not buy a new bag, because there are already 33 bags in the closet at home, and in normal condition. What do you want from a child ?! So he fell to the floor, sobbing and shouting, riding around the store - a completely normal situation, natural, I would say. And if you buy everything that the child asks now - tomorrow he will do the same and get what he wants again. Why not? Once it happened!

Mom's note!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me, but I’ll write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I write here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after giving birth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too ...

The child’s desire for sweets or a new toy is quite natural: he doesn’t have one or he hasn’t tried one yet. You can not blame him for this. The best way out of the situation is to have a serious and calm conversation with the child before going to the store, in which it is important for him to make clear the reason for the impossibility of buying, but do not lisp, say as with an adult: “There is no money, you still need to earn money. And you already bought a toy this month ”- and so on, calmly and confidently. If the conversation did not lead to the desired results, and the child still threw a tantrum in the store, pick it up and carry it home calmly, without shouting and spanking. Do not pay attention to passers-by, believe me, they see this quite often, you will not surprise them.

Situation 7. Requests, persuasions, arguments and arguments do not have the desired effect on the child - the child does not obey. What is the reason for this behavior? What mistakes do parents make?

There are three most important, most common, most pernicious mistakes of parents:

To go with the child about.Yes, of course, every child is a person, but you need to understand the limits of what is permitted, you need to be aware of what this will lead to later.
Discussion of various aspects and behavior in a child.If you are discussing, then there are disagreements - the child should not even suspect them!
Scream at the baby. A scream is not only stupid, ugly, a bad role model, but it is also ineffective.

Disobedience and punishment

In matters of punishment for misconduct, it is important to consider two rules:

It is necessary to give an account of their actions, their causes, and also think about the thoughts of the child, who should feel the justice of punishment. In similar situations, you can’t act in two ways, relying only on mood or other factors (for example, today you are in a good mood and you did not pay attention to the baby’s misconduct, and tomorrow you were punished for the same misconduct).
In serious situations, the child must clearly understand the validity of the actions of the parents. If the baby does not obey - the punishment is a completely natural result. It will be exactly as the parents said (preferably in a calm tone).

If the child does not obey the punishment for him should be natural. It is precisely this that is important to teach the crumb - the understanding of the naturalness and inevitability of punishment. Life itself demonstrates examples of this. Going to the red light, you can get into an accident. Without wearing a hat, you can catch a cold. While indulging in a cup of tea, you can spill hot on yourself and so on.

Before punishing a child, it is necessary to explain what its pampering is fraught with. You should speak in a calm, confident tone, not enduring objections.
Proper education and character formation of the child is possible subject to the following principles :

The main purpose of punishment is to deprive the child of some meaningful pleasure for him;
The restriction should be implemented immediately, and not postponed to a later time. In children, the sense of time is developed differently, and punishment, executed after a certain interval, can cause bewilderment in the child, as a result of which the insult is likely to be held;
The word "no" should be categorical and firm, not enduring compromises, persuasions and discussions, it is not necessary to negotiate with the child and cancel his decision. If you go on occasion and succumb to persuasion, you can become the object of manipulation. Therefore, think before making decisions, so that later you do not regret what has been said and do not change your decisions on the go. Children immediately understand that it is possible to negotiate with you, and then you yourself will not notice how your child begins to establish a framework of behavior, and not you.
Whatever the misconduct, do not raise your hand to the child. Thus it is possible to provoke aggression and complexes;
You should abandon the constant external control of the child. This is fraught with a lack of children's independence, decisiveness, responsibility, such children are easily amenable to the opinions of others and unable to make any serious decisions. All this then develops into adulthood (among drug addicts, most are just such people, those who are easily amenable to other people's influence).

The child should not be punished in the following cases:

while eating;
during the period of illness;
after or before bedtime;
when the child is very passionate about independent play;
when the child wanted to please you or help, but accidentally ruined something;
CATEGORALLY it is not necessary to punish the child with strangers.

Be logical, consistent in your behavior when you punish a child, it should not change depending on your mood. The child must clearly understand that if he commits this offense, he will be punished. If you got the wrong behavior off his hands today because you are in a good mood and you don't want to spoil him, be prepared for the fact that tomorrow he will do it again. But if this time you punish him, then he either will not understand what happened, why you are doing this, or will draw the wrong conclusions. That is why children often do not admit what they have done, waiting for an opportunity when you will be in a good mood to avoid punishment. Do not teach children to lie to you.

We read materials on the topic of punishments:

Punish or not punish a child for accidental misconduct —

8 loyal ways to punish children. How to punish a child for disobedience —

To beat or not to beat a child - consequences of physical punishment of children —

Why you can not spank a child - 6 reasons —

Childish whim or selfishness: how is one different from the other? —

How to punish children for disobedience

8 mistakes in education

Often the causes of child disobedience are certain parental errors:

Lack of eye contact. When the child is passionate (playing games or watching cartoons), his attention is difficult to switch. However, looking into the eyes of a child and voicing a request can work wonders.
You set difficult tasks for the child. You should not ask the child to perform several tasks at once. Thus, he will only get confused and in the end will do nothing. It is advisable to divide your request into simple and small steps.
You are vaguely articulating your thoughts.When you see that the child is indulging (throwing toys), do not ask him about how long he will throw his toys! The kid will understand everything literally, so it’s better to say, for example, like this: “Stop throwing toys!”
You talk a lot. All requirements should be concise using simple and short sentences. If the child indulges, you need to say "This can not be done!", And then try to distract the child.
Don't raise your voice. A scream will only aggravate the situation. The child will continue to skod stealthily for fear of screaming. Be consistent in your decisions and behave calmly!
You are waiting for a quick reaction. Children under the age of 6 years take time to realize (in order to hear and fulfill the request) and complete the task.
You repeat many times like a parrot. The child must independently acquire some skills. And the constant repetition of what he needs to do will turn him into a non-initiative person. Children have well-developed visual memory, so various reminder pictures will help a lot!
Simultaneous demand and denial. Do not use a "not" particle. Requests with the prefix “not” affect the child on the contrary, because the “not” perception of the baby misses. It’s best to replace it with alternative phrases. For example: “Do not go into a puddle” on alternative options, for example: “Let's go around this puddle on the grass!”

Stories

The personality of the child, as well as the degree of his obedience, is determined by the style of education that is practiced in the family:

Authoritarian (active suppression of the will of the child). It consists in the suppression of children's will, when the child does and thinks only in accordance with parental wishes. The child is literally "trained"
Democratic. It assumes the child has the right to vote, as well as his involvement in various activities related to the family. although some things are not discussed, since they are not part of the responsibility of the child, the main communication format of the parent and the child is not orders, but a meeting.
Mixed. It is characterized by the “carrot and stick” method. parents sometimes tighten the nuts, and sometimes loosen. Children adapt to it, living their carefree life from “whipping” to “whipping”. We also read:

The following stories are the outcome of some of these parenting styles:

1. Too smart

7-year-old Denis is the average child in the family. Parents are concerned about the lack of his reactions to their requests. Hearing problems were suspected, but everything turned out to be normal. Denis is the reason for the untimely sitting of all family members at the table, the flea market in the morning, and also the late brothers and sisters to school. Even speaking strictly and loudly, he can calmly deal with his own. Authorities do not act on him. Never on his face have seen strong emotions, neither fear, nor joy. Parents began to suspect him of serious internal disorders related to mental and neurological problems.

According to the results of the surveys, it turned out that Denis has a sufficiently high and lively intelligence. He enthusiastically supported the conversations, told that chess is his favorite game, and with pleasure and sensibly told that he had read recently. The conversation lasted more than two hours, during which Denis was not only not tired, but his interest in everything was growing. Disobedience was the result of high brain activity and a focus on solving more complex problems internally. Denisov’s parents were upset, because the only desire was “So that he listens and fulfills my requests with other children.”