In relationships with friends, acquaintances and work colleagues, we often allow ourselves to be extremely impulsive. And if we didn’t like something, we can just turn around and leave. Relations between children and parents have one very important feature - no matter how difficult they are for us, we cannot break them off. Until a certain age, we depend on adults financially, and when we start making our own money and no longer need the financial support of our parents, the realization comes that we just really need their love, and we are panicky afraid of losing them. So it turns out that parent-child relationships greatly affect our lives.
We are trying so hard to educate our children smart and kind, doing everything in our power for them. We make concessions, the first to apologize and try to give them everything they want. And we relate to relations with parents more coolly, angrily reacting to their comments, not betraying the importance of their care and desire to help. We easily forgive to strangers those qualities that we literally do not tolerate in our parents. And the thing is that we are more sensitive to their assessments and, whatever they say, but we always really need their approval.
Relations between adolescents and parents are a bit like military actions. Matured children fight for their independence and self-sufficiency, trying to reduce parental control. Teenagers are doing their best to get rid of the custody of adults, as well as weaken the rules and rules they have established. only exacerbates the situation. But in this case, the cause of the conflicts is understandable and the situation in the family calms down at the moment when the hormones of the teenager cease to boil.
And what if the personal relations of parents and children do not improve. Indeed, at an older age, a feeling may arise that the conflict with parents cannot be stopped, and now it will last forever. We begin to complain about the terrible nature of mom and the grouchy father. And the valuable recommendations of parents increasingly take the form of threats and lamentations. They even sometimes try to manipulate, playing on our reverent attitude towards them. But love for parents cannot be destroyed, and we call back mom again and again to apologize for being rude. And again, we call on her to visit ... And again we listen to a lecture on how to live right, and at the same time a lot of reproaches about the fact that we do not justify the hopes placed on us. What to do with all this? And how to change that?
How to build relationships with parents
How to build relationships with parents? Do not be nervous and angry, because you still understand that the anxiety of parents is a manifestation of their love and care. Even if it is not expressed in the most pleasant form, mom and dad want their advice to be heard and benefit you. As they age, they realize that they are not eternal. Therefore, they really want you to establish your life as quickly as possible. And their ideas about life are noticeably outdated. And do not expect that parents will change, because at an older age it is difficult to change oneself in a new way. But when children openly ignore their advice, it makes them feel unnecessary and of little significance. As a result, everyone suffers - children from the obsessive presence of parents in their personal lives, and parents from a lack of attention and respect. Stopping this carousel is not at all difficult. After all, by and large, all that we expect from each other is love, acceptance and support.
In the search for mutual understanding between generations, the first step is easier to make young. Parents, by virtue of their age and obstinacy, often remain adamant. And often it’s easier to just change your attitude towards what is happening than to try to re-educate “difficult adults”. First of all, try to accept your parents as they are. They are unlikely to change, so stop dramatizing the situation and accept that they are not presenting their advice in the best possible way. Unfortunately, they do not own other methods. Therefore, listening to your parents, try to pass all unnecessary things past your ears. If there is too much of it, and moral studies occupy the whole mother's monologue, do not listen to her at all. Leave for yourself only a pleasant feeling that mom cares for you and still sees in you her little child.
When meeting with parents, try not to raise “sore” topics, and discuss only good news. Ask parents more about their affairs. Take an interest in their health, talk about their hobbies, etc. Mom and Dad will feel your care, and this will give them a sense of value and importance for you. If you are not interested in their life, they will begin to climb into yours. And all this is just to show its significance.
Ask your mom and dad about their past more often. Ask them to talk about their relationship with their parents, about their choice of profession, and how they met. This will help them put themselves in your place, and will allow you to better understand their thoughts and actions. Be patient, and in no case do not behave arrogantly and arrogantly. If your parents raised and trained you, this is already enough to expect a grateful attitude from you. And their character, which could have been a little spoiled over a lifetime, does not at all make them wrong parents or bad people. Remember this and take care of them.
Relationship with mom
Despite the fact that mom is the closest and dearest person for each of us, relations with her are often very tense. After all, mothers are, first of all, women, and the female character is a complicated thing. And if the relationship between mother and son still somehow rests on the male calmness and patience of the young man, then the relationship between mother and daughter is a volcano of passions. It happens that a mother is so annoying her daughter that her every word causes a storm of indignation. And the thing is that two sensual personalities can not always find a common language.
Often the cause of conflicts between mothers and children is jealousy. At first, mothers are offended when the grown-up children run away for a walk with friends, while the keepers of the hearth have to wash, clean and cook. Then it becomes a shame for mothers to watch how their adult children build their families, and sometimes they do it much better than themselves. Next is the problem of building or son-in-law and the struggle to educate grandchildren. And all this falls on fragile female shoulders. Therefore, mothers are often emotional, often offending their children. And children, in turn, are quite selfish, blaming parents for all their problems. And who is right here, who is to blame is hard to understand.
Even if your parents have many shortcomings, you will not have others. And entering into conflicts with them, remember that you offend the people closest and loving you. Parents always want the best and are ready to do everything in their power for you. Be grateful to them for their sincere care and genuine excitement. One day you will miss it so much.
Need to grow
To do this, just grow. This will be enough. Although this is the most difficult thing. After all, I want to change, to explain to them, to set the right path. And at the same time to receive from them everything that was not received, to re-educate, to make happy (as I imagine). Only this path leads nowhere.
More often they ask questions about our parents, saying how they relate to our lifestyle, what they think about us. And recently, I realized that for three or four years now I do not know the answer to this question. I don’t care whether they like our choice or not, whether they accept it or not, that they think about all this. I do not care how they feel, how they live. We love and respect them. But my life, finally, became only my life, where I do not expect any approval, do not worry about criticism or rejection, I make decisions myself and bear responsibility for it. Together with her spouse, of course. Now I understand that I just matured. I am an adult and finally live my life.
Increase distance
Yes, for this, it was first necessary to increase the distance - primarily the physical one. To give yourself the opportunity to hear yourself, get out of the strong influence of birth programs and control. We never lived with our parents, and even when we had no money at all, there were huge debts, we found opportunities to rent separate housing. Because I know how in our case it would end.
Living with parents now often means for a young family to be at a crossroads: to lose their minds (and at the same time run away) or become saints.
For the second, personally, I would not have enough personal qualities and internal strength.
We had to increase the emotional distance several times — there were periods when we could not communicate with my mom or my husband’s parents for six months. There were grievances, and serious claims, and accusations, and attempts to intervene, reason, control. It was also a period of growing up and protecting its internal borders. And I will tell you that it was very difficult for both of us. And still at the meetings we try to think over all everyday issues, so that these same meetings would be a joy to everyone.
How to relate to parents?
Visiting is good, but at home it is better ... This phrase, familiar to everyone these days, seems hopelessly outdated. Due to constant family conflicts, many houses have become a real battlefield. Inability to communicate with each other often negates any attempts to reconcile.
Would you like your home to be a hotbed of peace and love, and not resemble a theater of operations? Of course, it depends on each member of the family. However, having mastered some principles of relationships with parents, you, for your part, can also do a lot to maintain peace in your home.
The problem of "fathers and children" has long existed. Let's try to understand it and think about how to avoid conflicts with loved ones. Unfortunately, many children have rather tense relations with their parents. This can happen even if you love your parents and cannot imagine yourself without them.
Parents are people who love you very much, spare nothing for you, and who should be treated with deep respect. No one has such an influence on you as your parents, no family ties are as perfect as a relationship with them.
When parents require their children to clean the room, do homework or return home no later than a certain hour, many teenagers immediately begin to resent or, worse, openly ignore the requests of their parents! However, not only the atmosphere in the family, but also his own life depends on how a teenager treats his parents.
Yes, a lot depends on behavior. So let's think about what the reverence of father and mother means.
The word "honor" means the recognition of a legally established authority. Parents are vested with certain authority in the family, and they are responsible for their children until they reach adulthood. And this means that you need to respect the right that they have given them to set rules for you. It is true that someone may have more lenient parents than yours. But your dad and mom have to decide what is best for you, and besides, each family has its own rules.
It is also true that even the best parents are sometimes too strict - and even unfair.
But in fact, everything is provided for your own good. And your parents really love you and take care of you.
For example, Sergey’s mother was constantly reminded that the six-lane motorway, which runs near their home, needs to be crossed only on a special pedestrian bridge. One day, two girls from his school began to persuade him to cross the road in order to cut the path. Ignoring the fact that the girls called him a coward, Sergey headed for the passage. Walking over the bridge, he heard a screech of brakes. Looking down, the boy froze in horror: in front of his eyes the girls were hit by a car, and they threw them up from the blow!
Fortunately, obedience to parents rarely becomes a matter of life and death, and yet, as a rule, obeying parents is useful.
You, of course, understand that there will be nothing to expect respect from your children if you yourself do not treat your parents with respect and understanding.
The Greek translation of “honor” literally means “consider precious”. Therefore, you need to treat your parents as infinitely dear to you people worthy of respect. This includes love and appreciation. However, some teens experience anything with their parents, but not love.
“Difficult” parents - are they worthy of respect?
And really, if parents are quick-tempered, lead an immoral lifestyle, get drunk and scandal with each other - are they really worthy of respect?
Your parents gave you life. Only for this they are already worthy of respect.
Your parents - no matter how imperfect they are - have sacrificed very, very much for your sake.
According to the results of one study, the cost of raising a child up to the age of 18 is at least $ 66,400!
It must be remembered that parents give you not only money, but also love, care and joy. Try to remember this always.
Also, understand: even if parents are not setting the best example, this does not mean that everything they tell you is bad.
How to suppress a grudge?
But what if parents seem to be abusing their power? Do not lose your temper. Neither indignation nor hostility will achieve anything.
Parents often see themselves in their children. When they are offended and criticize some of your mistakes or mistakes, it is quite possible that these are exactly the mistakes and mistakes that they once made themselves.
One girl was very offended that her parents constantly engaged in clarifying their relationship and seemed to completely forget about her existence. Resentment towards parents resulted in neglect. And, in spite of the parents, the girl began to lead an indecent lifestyle and take drugs. “It seemed to me that I would repay them for their insult,” she explains bitterly. But, embittered, she only hurt herself.
There can be many reasons for a dispute with parents: at what time do you need to come home, with whom to be friends, what to wear or what kind of TV show to watch.
Some guys complain that all disputes with parents end the same way: both sides are blown on each other for hours. After such skirmishes, you want to close yourself in your room, and even parents quarrel for a long time spoil their mood.
Most importantly, do not raise your voice in a dispute with your parents. Any argument in which someone raises his voice can easily develop into a major quarrel. If you try to speak calmly and convincingly, your parents will most likely listen to your arguments.
Do not immediately blame your parents for not understanding you and generally treat you like a baby. Try to understand what caused such strict parental requirements.
Know that parents are responsible for their actions and will be responsible for any serious injustice committed towards you. Sometimes it’s better to forgive your parents the pain that they caused you and try to forget about it (cover it with your love). Instead of paying attention to the mistakes of parents, you better think about their good qualities.
For example: one teenage girl lived with her mother, who did not show special sensitivity to her children, and with her stepfather, an alcoholic. Notice how the ability to understand their flaws helped her to suppress her insult. She says: “Mom probably didn’t show love for us because she herself wasn’t accustomed to this - in childhood she was treated very cruelly.”
Fortunately, there are few cruel and irresponsible parents. Most likely, your parents are interested in you and try to be a good example for you. But despite this, they can sometimes cause you irritation. “It used to be that you’ll start discussing a problem with your mother, but she doesn’t understand you at all,” the teenager recalls. - It so freaked me out that I angrily began to tell her anything horrible, just to hurt her. So I usually tried to pay her back. But when I left, I felt terribly uneasy; I knew that it’s not easier for her now. ”
Thoughtless words hurt and insult, but do not solve problems. “And the tongue of the wise heals” (folk proverb). “Although it was difficult,” the guy continues, “I returned home and apologized to her. Then I was more calmly discussing my problem, and usually we were able to find some way out. "
The eight steps to reconciliation:
1. I decide to make an effort to be noticed and heard by my parents, But not by shouting, quarreling, anger.
2. My parents have the right to make mistakes, because it is not known who and how deprived them of love in childhood or in adulthood.
3. I will cover their flaws with my forgiveness and love.
4. I will make every effort to understand my parents and their lives.
5. I will tell them that I love them, even if I repeatedly have to listen to accusations, reproaches and claims from them.
6. I will be affectionate with them, even if they are rude.
7. My reverence for them will be royal.
8. I decide not to tell them anymore: "shut up," "that's enough," "you don’t understand anything," etc.
"Dad was right"
Some teenagers rebel against parental instructions, and then, having prettyly exhausted themselves and their parents, they are convinced that their parents were right. This can be seen from another example: one girl went with a friend to drive a car. By that time, the guy was already intoxicated by marijuana and beer. He lost control and the car crashed into a lamppost at a speed of 100 km / h. The girl remained alive, but very much broke her forehead. And her friend ran away from the scene and never even appeared in the hospital to at least somehow help her.
“When my parents arrived at the hospital, I told them that Dad was right and that I had to listen to his words for a long time. I made a huge mistake, which almost cost me my life, ”the girl admitted. After this incident, she radically changed her attitude towards her parents.
Perhaps it would not hurt you to change anything. Yes, it may seem that reading parents is old-fashioned. However, this is not only reasonable, but also correct.
When you have your own children, you will understand why your parents do not allow you to drive outside until midnight. Unfortunately, it’s not safe on the street right now, that's why they worry about you, they worry. Drugs, bandits, cars flying at intersections at the speed of light - all this causes your parents to panic, horror and terrible alarm for you.
But what if you want to show respect for your parents, but run into their misunderstanding or feel that they put you too tight restrictions? - We will consider how to improve this situation in the next lesson.
Why don't my parents understand me?
Everyone wants to be understood. Therefore, you may be upset if your parents do not show any interest in what you love and consider important, or are critical of this.
Most parents spend a lot of time, energy and love to give their children the very best. However, sometimes their idea of \u200b\u200bthis "best" does not coincide with the point of view of a teenager. Many adolescents, faced with parental misunderstanding, become isolated in themselves. In one large-scale study, it turned out that 26% of adolescents try to stay at home as little as possible.
In many families, the relationship between adolescents and their parents gives a crack, which often turns into an abyss. What is the reason?
“Strength” or “gray hair”? What will prevail?
"The adornment of boys (and girls) is their strength." However, your “strength” can cause a wide variety of conflicts with your parents.
"The decoration of the old is gray hair." Your parents may literally not yet have gray hair, but they are older than you, and it is natural that they have different outlooks on life. They know that life is not just about joys. Perhaps they were convinced of this through bitter experience, and therefore look at everything more soberly than in their youth. Having gained wisdom over the years - a kind of "gray hair" - they are already more calm about what makes you excited. Yes, between the "strength" of the young and the parental "gray" is often a deep abyss. Therefore, disagreements arise in many families as soon as it comes to clothing and appearance, about attitudes towards the opposite sex, about drug and alcohol use, about the time of arrival, about choosing friends and about helping with the housework. Parents do not understand what is happening to their children, but the teenager himself does not understand what is happening to him.
He does not tell them anything about himself, but they do not want to get into his soul. Or they ask him, but he is angry and daring them. The guy tells his parents that he is already an adult and independent, that he himself knows how to live and how to act ... But all the same, the problems of generations are surmountable. But before counting on understanding your parents, first try to understand them yourself.
Parents are also people.
“When I was little, I naturally thought that my mother“ can do anything ”and that she doesn’t have the same weaknesses and feelings as mine,” says one teenager. Then his parents divorced, and the mother had to raise seven children alone. His sister says: “I remember, I saw how she (mother) was crying because she could not cope with all things. Then I realized how much we were mistaken. She cannot keep up with everything and always do everything right. We saw that mom is the same person as us, with the same feelings. "
Having realized that your parents are ordinary people who have the same feelings as you, you will begin to understand them much better. For example, they may worry if they can educate you well. Or preoccupied with the many dangers and temptations that surround you, they can sometimes react too painfully to something. Or maybe they are weighed down by some problems: poor health, financial difficulties, personal experiences. Imagine that his father does not like his work, but he never complains about this. And if his child says: “How tired I am of going to school,” it is not surprising that the father, instead of words of sympathy, will sharply answer: “What kind of news is this ?! I would have your worries! ”
Think of others.
Live for others if you want others to live for you.
But how do you know what worries your parents?
"Each of you should think not only about your own good, but also about the good of others."
Ask your mom how young she was. What worried her, what did she strive for? “Most likely,” says one youth magazine, “my mother, seeing that you are not indifferent to her feelings and that you understand why they arise in her, will try to be more sensitive to yours.” Without a doubt, the same can be attributed to the father.
When a conflict arises, do not rush to blame your parents for not wanting to understand you. Ask yourself: maybe mom and dad feel bad or are worried about something? Or maybe I offended them with some rash word or deed? Or did they simply misinterpret my words? Such sensitivity will serve as a good start to establish good relations with parents. And then you can make efforts so that your parents understand you too! And yet, many teenagers incredibly complicate this process. How?
Double life.
This is exactly the kind of life that 16-year-old Natasha led: contrary to the wishes of her parents, she secretly met with one guy. It seemed to her that they would not be able to understand her feelings for him. Naturally, an alienation grew between her and her parents. Natasha recalls: “We only prevented each other from living. I could not endure returning home. " And then she decided to get married - just to leave home!
Many teenagers also lead a double life - secretly doing what their parents forbid them to - and then complain that "their parents do not understand them!"
After a few years, you yourself can be in the place of your parents, then you will understand that it is their children who cause the greatest pain.
Fortunately, one elderly woman helped Natasha, who told her: “Natasha, think about your parents ... After all, they raised you. If you find it difficult to get along with people who have given you love for sixteen years, how can you get along with your peer who, unlike them, didn’t do all this? ”
Natasha looked the truth in her eyes. And I realized that I was deeply mistaken and that my parents were right. She stopped dating that guy and started building relationships with her parents. If you, like Natasha, are hiding something from your parents, is it not the time to tell them everything?
Your children will relate to you as you now relate to your parents.
How to tell parents about this?
(Practical advice)
Admitting to parents of some misconduct is not a pleasant thing.
Teenagers who hide their misconduct often suffer remorse. Misconduct can become an unbearably “heavy burden” for them. Trying to get out, adolescents, as a rule, begin to lie to their parents, thus worsening their situation.
If you have committed a serious offense, tell about all the parents (the whole truth). They have life experience and, most likely, will help you to improve and not to repeat the previous mistakes. “A conversation can actually help,” says Sasha. “In the end, when you confess everything, it really becomes easier.” But how should parents tell about this?
One book mentions a "word spoken at the right time." But what time is right? Sasha continues: “I wait until the evening, and at dinner I tell dad that I have a conversation with him.” But the teenager, whom the mother brings up alone, chooses a different time for conversation: “Usually I talk with my mother before going to bed - at this time she is more disposed to the conversation. And when she comes home from work, she is all nerves. "
Choose a time when parents are in a good mood.
You could start something like this: "Dad, mom, I need to talk to you." And if it seems that parents are not up to you right now? You can say: “I see you are busy, but for me it is very important. Could we talk? ” Then you can ask: “Have you ever done something that was then embarrassing to talk about?”
Now the most difficult thing remains: to tell parents what exactly you are guilty of. With due humility, tell the truth, not underestimating the seriousness of your misconduct and not omitting details that are unpleasant to you. Speak in a language understandable to parents and do not use expressions that are understandable only to young people.
Naturally, what you say can hurt and upset your parents. Therefore, do not be surprised and do not be indignant if a hail of reproaches suddenly rains down on you! Would you be in that position if you had listened to their warnings at one time? Therefore, stay calm. Listen to what your parents tell you and answer questions no matter what tone they are asked.
Of course, a sincere desire to improve will not leave your parents indifferent. And still be ready for the deserved punishment. Remember that you will need more than once help and mature advice from your parents. But if you yourself understand that you are committing an act that parents will condemn, then maybe you should not do this. Therefore, if you get used to trusting parents with minor difficulties, you can safely share more serious problems with them.
Take time to chat.
Good communication is the foundation of a good relationship. Whatever problems you have with your parents, mutual understanding usually helps to solve them. If we want to be friends with parents, we must learn to communicate with them.
Why don't you make it a rule to talk frankly with mom or dad?
Communicating with those who have a wealth of life behind them will protect you from the one-sided view of life that often arises in adolescents who are limited to friendship with their peers.
Courtesy in the family circle begins with how we address each other. The fact that your parents call you affectionately by name, “son” or “beloved daughter”, we know, but what do you call your parents? Most teens talk with groans and grunts.
So do you talk to your parents when you have a disagreement about clothing, music, or the time at which you need to return home?
One guy thought his mother made completely unreasonable demands. To avoid conflicts, he tried to be at home as rarely as possible. But then I decided to follow those tips (see above). He recalls: “I began to share my feelings with my mother. He told me why I wanted to do one way or another, not rushing to the conclusion that she already knows everything. He often expressed pain, explained that he did not want anything bad and that it was very difficult for me, because she treated me like a small child. Then she began to understand me, and little by little everything was fine. ”
You yourself will be able to make sure that “a pure heart” and “honest words” help to resolve many misunderstandings.
How to resolve disagreements.
But this means that parents will not immediately agree with your point of view. Therefore, learn to restrain your emotions. Express your opinion calmly. Speak essentially and do not go over to objections like "Why is everyone possible, but I can’t?"
Sometimes your parents will refuse you something. This does not mean that they do not understand you. Perhaps they just want to protect you from trouble.
“I have a very strict mom,” the girl says. “I do not like when she forbids me something or when she indicates what time it is to come home.” But in her heart she really loves ... She cares about me. "
It is impossible to describe with words the peace and love that reign in the family through mutual understanding. The house becomes a reliable shelter from any adversity. But this requires the efforts of all family members.
Parents demand
You say that you are no longer small and that you can return home later in the weekend. And they say that you should come home on time. You say that you want to watch a movie about which there is so much talk, and they forbid you. You say that you made friends with great guys and you want to go for a walk with them, and they say that at first you would like to get to know your guys yourself.
It may sometimes seem to a teenager that his parents do not give him a step to step without their knowledge. That in response to his "I want ..." they will certainly hear their "impossible."
It seems that there is simply nowhere to hide from the dormant parental eye. A 15-year-old girl says: “Dad always wants to know where I am and when I will come home. Most parents do the same. Do they really need to know everything? I want to be more independent. ”
Teenagers complain that their parents completely disregard them. They don’t even want to listen, they blame everything at once. No independence - there are only rules all around.
“With great sorrow”
Do your parents sometimes treat you like a little one? If yes, then do not forget that just recently you were really small. The image of a helpless child is still alive in the minds of parents, and it is not so easy for them to forget it. They still remember the mistakes you made as a child, and regardless of whether you want to or not, they strive to protect you.
This desire is very strong. When your parents fade into the background of care about how to give you a roof over your head, to dress and feed you, they often have new difficulties - how to raise and protect you, yes, it is to protect you. And not by chance. And when it seems to them that something is threatening your well-being, they begin to worry.
Take, for example, these eternal debates about what time it is for you to return home. Perhaps you see no reason for such restrictions. But have you ever tried to look at it through the eyes of your parents?
Such an attempt was made by familiar schoolchildren. They made a list of what, in their opinion, “might come to parents’s mind if their children didn’t return home on time.” The following was also found in the list:
· Take drugs;
· Got into a car accident;
· Stagger in the park;
· Watching movies of inappropriate content;
· Trade in drugs;
· Dishonor our family;
· They were raped or robbed;
· Taken to the police;
· Sent to prison.
Not all parents will come to such conclusions that would seem far from the truth. But does all this happen to many teenagers in reality? So is it worth it to be indignant when you are told that late walks and communication with a dubious company can end badly for you?
Why do they do it?
According to some teenagers, parents worry so much about them that it starts to look like mania. However, do not forget how much time and energy your parents devoted to you. They may be hurt by the mere thought that you, having matured, will leave your home. One woman wrote: “My only son is already nineteen years old, but I’m afraid to even think that someday he will leave home.”
Therefore, some parents tend to surround their child with excessive care. However, it would be unreasonable to react too painfully to this. One young woman recalls: “About eighteen years old, my mother and I had a very close relationship ... But when I got older, difficulties arose. I wanted to be more independent, and my mother probably saw this as a threat to our friendship. She tried to keep me close, but it pushed me even more. "
There is nothing wrong with relative independence, but you cannot sacrifice family unity for its sake. But how can relations with parents be more mature and based on mutual understanding and respect, including respect for each other’s views? It is very important to remember that respect is gained by respect.
And if your parents surround you with excessive care, do not be indignant. Show your parents the same respect you expect from them.
Misunderstanding
Have you occasionally, for reasons beyond your control, returned home later than usual? Did this cause a violent reaction from your parents? Such misunderstandings cause another opportunity to gain their respect - it is to remain calm (do not bicker with parents; do not shed tears or blame them for doubting your motives).
In any case, always remember that if you are late, find a telephone booth and call your parents: the best way to gain more freedom is to prove that you understand your responsibility for the actions you take.
Rules and requirements
How you react to the demands of your parents largely determines how they will relate to you. Some teens begin to be offended by their parents, cheat on them or do something in spite. To demand, to whine, to squeal - it means to behave in a childish way, and you want to convince your parents that you need to communicate with you as with an adult. If you want to be allowed to come home later, do not behave like a child: do not insist on yours and yours, that “you can do everything else”.
Advice: “Tell them as much as possible what you are going to do so that they help to objectively assess the situation ... If you explain to them where and with whom you will be and why it is so important for you to stay there a little longer, then they probably will not they will object. ”
When your parents want to meet your friends — by the way, it’s better if they do this — don’t whine like a little one.
Advice: “Bring friends sometimes to your home so that when you say that you went to the cinema with Max, your father does not shout from another room:“ What kind of Max? ”
“To be given”
Anton cannot speak without a smile about his younger brother Ivan: “I am only 11 months older than him,” he says, “but our parents treated us in completely different ways. They allowed me a lot. Everything was different with Ivan, Anton continues. - He was constantly monitored. Father did not even think of teaching Ivan to drive a car when he grew up. Although I was allowed to use our car. And when Ivan decided that he was already old enough to go on dates, his parents strictly forbade him. ”
Do you think Anton was a favorite? Not at all. He explains: “Ivan grew up irresponsible and uninitiated. Often did not carry out what was entrusted to him. I never quarreled with my parents, and Ivan did not miss the opportunity to show what he did not agree with. And so they no longer trusted him. ”
Do you want to be considered an independent and responsible person? Prove it. Take seriously any task assigned to you. Prove to your parents that no matter what they ask you, we can assume that this has already been done!
“I proved to my parents that you can rely on me,” says Anton. - They sent me to the bank, trusted me to pay utility bills, to make purchases. And when my mother had to get a job, I even cooked for the whole family. ”
Take the initiative
But what if your parents do not instruct you? Take the initiative.
Advice: “Offer to cook dinner for everyone and tell your parents that you want to do everything yourself: you’ll create a menu, make a list of products, calculate their cost, go to the store, cook and clean everything up for yourself.” And if you are not good at cooking, see how else you can help with the housework. It is not necessary at all to wait for special instructions from your parents when you saw dirty dishes, unwashed floors or an uncleaned room.
In the summer or on weekends, many teenagers earn extra money. If you are one of them, have you proved that you know how to handle money properly and not spend it in vain? Have you ever felt the desire to help your parents with housing or meals? (Take an interest in housing prices in your area - these figures can be a complete revelation for you.) Therefore, you need to remember: requests should be reasonable. Do not forget that your parents earn money, not print money. You may have less pocket money left, but when your parents notice that you are handling money like an adult, they will surely give you more freedom of action.
But never take money from your parents without permission.
We hope you never do that. Even if your parents do not hide from you where the savings lie, never take money without parental permission. In relation to loved ones, this is a dishonorable act. Deceiving those who trust you is simply dishonorable.
Some guys ask what to do if one of your friends asks to borrow money?
If one of your friends makes a similar request, and you know that this money is really needed, you can ask your parents.
But we want to warn you: you should not follow the guys who are engaged in extorting money under the guise of help. In this case, there can be no question of any money. If the “petitioner” is too annoying, be sure to tell your parents about it. Do not be afraid of the threats and reproaches of the "imaginary" friend.
Try it yourself first
Parents should be your friends, a source of advice and guidance. But this does not mean that they are obliged to decide everything for you. Confidence in your ability to make decisions will appear only when you get used to working with your head.
Therefore, do not run at the slightest sign of concern to your parents, but first try to understand the essence of your problem yourself. Do not make rash decisions. Try to study the question of concern to you. Ponder everything calmly, and only then go to your parents. Do not ask them what to do and how they would act in your place, but explain to them what happened. Share your thoughts on this. And then ask what they think about all this.
Then the parents will see that you are no longer speaking as a child. Your first serious step will prove that you have grown up and deserve more freedom of action. And your parents are likely to start treating you like an adult.
If the parents broke up
“I remember how dad left us. Then we did not even understand what happened. Leaving for work, mom left us alone. Sometimes we sat by the window and thought with fear that she, too, had left us ... ”(girl, parents, whom she divorced).
The divorce of parents can be a real tragedy for the child, an unforgettable grief. (The statistical report is one of 12.6 million children who live in homes marked with a divorce sign). Often, he gives rise to a whole storm of emotions in a child: shame, anger, anxiety, fear of being abandoned, guilt, depression, a feeling of irreparable loss and even a desire to take revenge.
If your parents recently divorced, you may also get these feelings.
Why do parents diverge?
Often parents hide their problems from children. “I don’t remember that they quarreled,” says the girl whose parents divorced when she was still very young. “It seemed to me that they were all right.” And even when parents constantly scandal with each other, their divorce may turn out to be a complete surprise for the child! Parents often get divorced because one of them is guilty of adultery. Seeing how the marriage of the parents breaks up can be one of the most bitter experiences in life.
Some parents seek a divorce for reasons that are not entirely justified. Some are selfish and, instead of overcoming difficulties, get divorced, declaring that "living together no longer brings them happiness" or that they "no longer love each other."
However, if your parents do not answer your questions about divorce or confine themselves to vague answers, this does not mean that they do not love you. Maybe it’s hard for parents who are absorbed in their experiences to talk about this topic. In addition, they may be embarrassed to admit their insolvency.
"What will happen to me after their divorce?"
After the parents divorce, some teenagers, in fact, themselves are breaking their own lives. Someone, without hesitation, quits school. Someone, giving vent to anger and despair, begins to behave badly - as if taking revenge on their parents for having divorced. Oleg recalls: “After the divorce of my parents, I went completely broken and depressed. Trouble started at school, and I was left in my second year. In the new class ... I just did that I was doing stupid things and constantly got into fights. ”
Defiant behavior can very successfully attract the attention of parents. But is this something you will achieve, but additional troubles? After all, with his wrong actions a person punishes only himself. Try to understand: parents also suffer. Oleg’s mother admits: “I completely abandoned the children. After the divorce, I was in such a terrible state that I simply did not have the strength to pay attention to them. "
If nobody is involved in your upbringing, this does not mean at all that you can behave as you like. Responsible for your actions and discipline yourself.
In addition, do not make rash decisions, such as leaving home. If it seems that your parents are not up to you now, talk about what you should do next with an older friend.
Still, you may have questions about the future. It is quite clear that due to a failed marriage of your parents you may be concerned about the question of how successful your own marriage will be. Fortunately, family troubles are not freckles that are inherited. You have your own unique life, so your future marriage does not depend on parental failures.
Perhaps now you are beginning to be bothered by questions related to food, clothing, housing, material means of life - with something that you had not even thought about before. However, as a rule, parents even after a divorce try to find an opportunity to provide for their children financially, even if they have to work harder. Nevertheless, the book on how to survive the gap gives a realistic assessment: “What was once spent on the maintenance of one family is now spent on two, so each family member has to moderate his needs.”
It may well be that you have to do without what you are used to, for example, without new clothes. You could even participate in planning a new family budget. Of course, there is nothing good in parents getting a divorce. However, even from such an unpleasant event, “good” can be extracted. Researcher Judith Wallerstein said: “I was struck and somewhere deeply touched by the emotional and intellectual upsurge (in children of divorced parents) that occurred against the backdrop of the breakup of the family. Children ... seriously reviewed what happened to their parents and came to the right conclusions about their future. They tried to find ways to avoid the mistakes made by their parents. ” No doubt, the divorce of parents will not happen for you without a trace. But whether this mark will be an inconspicuous scratch or an unhealed wound is largely up to you.
What can be done?
Try, having calmed down, at the right time to talk with your parents about what worries you. Explain to them that you were very upset and embarrassed to learn of their divorce. Perhaps they will explain to you in more detail. And if not, don't despair.
And finally, remember that, whatever the reason for the divorce, it’s not your fault! According to a survey by Wallerstein and Kelly of 60 divorced couples, the couple blamed each other, their superiors, relatives and acquaintances for the breakup of the marriage. However, according to the researchers, "it is noteworthy that not one of the spouses blamed the children for this." So the attitude of your parents has not changed.
Time heals
There is a "time to heal." Just as in the case of a bodily injury, for example, a fracture, it should take several weeks, or even months, to fully recover, so in the case of a mental injury, healing also takes some time.
Divorce researchers Wallerstein and Kelly found that “so widespread fears, grief, unwillingness to believe what happened ... diminish or disappear altogether” within two years after the divorce of the parents. According to some experts, the worst consequences of a divorce should disappear within 3 years. This may seem like a long time, but before life returns to normal, a lot has to change.
For example, the rhythm of life that was broken by divorce should be restored. Time must also pass for your parents to recover from the emotional turmoil. Probably only then will they be able to provide you with the necessary support. As soon as such regularity appears, you will feel that life is returning to normal. However, Solomon warned: “Do not say:“ why were these former days better than these? ” because it’s not from wisdom that you ask about it. ”
Constant memories of the past interfere with the correct perception of the present, they only upset. What atmosphere prevailed in the family before the divorce? “Constant quarrels, screams and insults,” Anna admitted.
Maybe now you have peace and quiet?
“I will die them”
Some cherish the hope of reconciling their parents - even when they have already remarried!
But divorce is divorce, and there is no point in denying it. After all, it may turn out that no tears, prayers and efforts will force your parents to live together again. So why torture yourself with pipe dreams? Therefore, come to terms with what is, and also with the fact that you can’t change anything.
Make peace with your parents.
Resentment to your parents for ruining your life can be fair. “My parents are selfish,” one young man says bitterly. - They did not think at all about how this would affect us. Just got and divorced. " Yes, that could happen. However, is it worth harming yourself by living with bitterness and anger in your heart?
“All irritation and rage and anger ... may they be removed from you; but be kind to each other, compassionate, forgive each other. " How can you forgive those who have offended you so much? Try to be objective with your parents - after all, they are imperfect people who tend to make mistakes. If you understand this, it will be easier for you to come to terms with them.
Share your experiences.
“In fact, I never started talking about how I feel about the divorce of my parents,” one young man shared. However, talking on this subject, he more and more lost his equanimity, and in the end he could not at all resist tears. So long hidden experiences burst out. The amazed young man admitted: "Reprimanded - and it became easier."
Maybe you better talk with someone, rather than lock yourself in. Tell your parents what's in your heart: let them know about your worries and fears.
Cheer up!
Perhaps, after the divorce of your parents, your life will not be the same as before. But this does not mean that it will become meaningless and joyless. Cheer up - do not let sorrow and anger deprive you of strength! Be diligent in studying. Find a hobby. Be always busy.
Yes, diligence, determination and time will be required. Only then will the pain caused by the divorce of your parents gradually subside.
Should I leave home?
"Mom and dad! So I decided to leave. As I already said, I’m doing this not because I want to annoy you or pay for something. I just can not be happy, constantly living at your command. Perhaps, having left home, I will not find happiness either, but still I want to try. ”
With these words, one girl began her farewell letter to her parents.
One young man put it this way: “I just want to be more independent. You are no longer happy that you live with your parents. Constantly some controversy, parents do not understand what you need. In addition, they infringe on you by requiring you to report to them for each step they take. ”
Perhaps you also thought about leaving home.
Are you ready for an independent life?
But can you say that you are ready for such a coveted independence? After all, living independently is not as easy as it seems. Often there are difficulties with work. Housing prices are skyrocketing. And what do teenagers often do when they find themselves in a financial impasse? According to the authors of one book, "they return home and expect their parents to provide them again."
In addition, are you mature enough mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? Perhaps you consider yourself an adult, but your parents can still notice “infant” in you. And who, if not parents, should know to what extent you are ready for an independent life? Going against their will and acting on their own, you can easily get into trouble.
"I can’t get along with them!"
You too? Even so, don’t immediately rush to pack your bags. Although you are no longer a child, you still need parents, and their wisdom and insight are likely to come in handy for many years. Is it worth it to delete parents from your life only because you did not get along with them a couple of times?
Here is what a young man who left home in order to live independently says this: “Never leave home just because you cannot get along with your parents. If you don’t know how to get along with your parents, then how can you build relationships with other people? Leaving home, you will not solve your problems. On the contrary, only prove that you haven’t grown up to an independent life and move further away from your parents. ”
Morality and motives
Also, adolescents usually do not attach importance to the fact that, detaching too early from their parents, they endanger their morality.
One young man wanted to become independent and decided to live separately from his parents. Deprived of their positive influence, he plunged headlong into immorality, "living lecherously." He soon squandered everything he had. Unable to find any other job for himself, he hired to graze pigs, which was considered completely inadmissible for any self-respecting person. Finally, prudence returned to this prodigal son. Suppressing pride, he returned home and began to beg his father for forgiveness.
Another young man recalls one of his peers who left home: “He began to live with his girlfriend, although they were not painted. They always had fun parties, alcohol flowed like water, and this guy often got drunk. If he had lived at home, his parents would never have allowed him anything like that. ” And he concluded: “Of course, when you live separately from your parents, you have more freedom. But, to be completely frank, this freedom is often used as an opportunity to do what is condemned. ”
Therefore, if you strive for greater freedom, ask yourself: why do I want to find it? Maybe in order to acquire some things or act at my own discretion that my parents would forbid me if I had lived with them?
“How will I grow up living with my parents?”
One book notes: “Leaving your home does not mean making a successful transition (to adulthood). Exactly how to stay does not mean that you will not be able to grow up. ”
Indeed, being an adult is much more than just having your own money, work and housing. To get on your feet, you need to be able to overcome difficulties. Avoiding unpleasant situations, you will not achieve anything.
Take for example strict parents or parents with a hard character. Maxim's father, now a forty-seven-year-old man, always burdened him with household chores as soon as he came from school. During the summer holidays, when the rest of the children were resting, Maxim had to work. “We saw neither rest nor entertainment, and I thought that worse than my father there is nobody in the world,” says Maxim. “I have often dreamed of running away somewhere and living separately.” But now he thinks differently: “What my father did for me can be called an invaluable gift. Thanks to my father, I learned to work hard and overcome difficulties. “Since then I have had more serious problems, but I already knew how to deal with them.”
Not life, but a fairy tale
Yet to become adults, living at home is not enough. One youth says: “Life was not with parents, but a fairy tale. They did everything for me. ” But in order to grow up, you need to learn how to work with your own hands. Of course, taking out the garbage or washing clothes is not as pleasant as listening to the records of your favorite singers. But what happens if you don’t get used to it? You will grow up to be a person completely dependent on parents and others.
Whoever you are: boy or girl, are you preparing for an independent life: are you learning to cook, do cleaning, ironing, repairing a car or making repairs in an apartment?
Material independence
How I want to grow up quickly so as not to beg for money from my parents!
Young people in prosperous countries often regard money as being easy to earn and even easier to spend. Part-time workers, they often spend their money on musical equipment or fashionable clothes. What a sharp “awakening” occurs in these adolescents when they leave home to live independently! This is what the guy who we already mentioned tells about himself: “By the end of the month (independent life) I had no money or food left.”
Why not learn how to manage money properly while you still live with your parents? They have gained considerable experience in this matter and can help you avoid many troubles.
Ask your parents these questions: How much do we have to pay per month for electricity? For heating? For water? For the phone? What taxes did we pay? How much should I pay for an apartment? You might be surprised to find that working teenagers often have more pocket money than their parents! Therefore, if you work somewhere, try to make a reasonable contribution to the family budget.
Learn while you are at home
No, to grow up, it is not necessary to leave home. While you live with your parents, cultivate in yourself the prudence and poise. Also learn to maintain good relationships with people. Prove that you can properly respond to criticism, failure and frustration.
Sooner or later, circumstances such as marriage can force you to leave your home. And while this did not happen, why rush to leave home? Talk about it with your parents. Maybe they will be glad that you will stay, especially if you really contribute to the well-being of the family. Thanks to the help of your parents, you will be able to grow up and learn something new without leaving your home.
Should I run away from home?
Many teens leave their families just to get rid of the conditions that they consider unbearable. Life on the street is not life.
More than a million teenagers flee from home every year. Of the one and a half million American boys and girls fleeing every year, most return home after a few days, because whatever the difficulties of the home, they are nothing compared to what awaits on the street: loneliness, hunger. But those who lasted “on the street” for a month or more usually start to earn their bread by prostitution and become victims of drugs.
Some seek to get rid of intolerable conditions in the family and run away from beatings and sexual harassment. But much more often the cause for beating is a quarrel with parents over school grades and household chores, disputes about what time to return home and with whom to be friends.
No matter how terrible domestic problems may be, there are much more successful ways of solving them than fleeing from home.
Your views may differ radically from the views of your parents. But have you ever thought that your parents have a duty to educate you? Therefore, they have the right to insist that you do not communicate with one or another peer. Is it really worth rebelling or running away from home because of this? You also have a duty to honor your father and mother.
Besides, you will not solve anything by running away from home. “You can only add to your problems,” says Emma, \u200b\u200bwho ran away from home at the age of fourteen.
“Only a few fugitives can find a job and live on their own. It’s becoming more difficult for the majority than before. ”
“Children do not find the desired freedom on the street. They meet people like them, teenagers who have run away or driven out of the house, living in abandoned buildings and defenseless against robbers and rapists. They also face many people who do dirty business on teens and become their easy prey. ”
The fugitive Emma was "sheltered" by one twenty-two-year-old guy - for a certain "fee": he made her sleep not only with him, but also with his nine friends. Emma got drunk and took huge doses of drugs. Another girl, Sveta, decided to escape from the family in which she was raised, due to sexual abuse by her grandfather. Sveta began to engage in prostitution on the street, slept on a park bench or just where she had to. This happens with many teenagers who run away from home.
Most fugitives do not have a profession that would enable them to earn a living. There are no documents required for applying for a job: birth certificates, passports, registration certificates. “I had to steal and fight,” says Leonid, “but basically to steal because no one was serving.”
About 60% of the fugitives are girls, many of whom earn their living by prostitution. Fugitives are often spotted at bus stations by porn business dealers, drug dealers, and pimps. Sometimes they offer frightened teens an overnight stay or a meal. And they even give these children something that they so lacked at home - a feeling that they love you.
However, over time, "benefactors" begin to demand a "fee" for their services. Often you have to "pay" with your body: engage in prostitution, engage in sexual perversions or pose for porn films. It is not surprising that many fugitives and runaways, in the end, become crippled and even die!
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The importance of the child’s relationship with the parents is that no matter how difficult this relationship is for us, we cannot just break it off. Not only because, until a certain age, it is financially dependent on parents. But also because at any age our life, our successes, our happiness and even health directly depend on our relations with parents and on their attitude towards us.
Without exaggeration, parent-child relationships determine our whole life. Personal, family, and our relationships with our own children.
Therefore, we must be very attentive to our relationship with our parents and do what is possible to improve them.
We recommend a remote (online) happiness training course for those who are unhappy: “From becoming unhappy to become happy”
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Relations with parents affect our whole life. Therefore, you should carefully treat them and do everything possible to improve them. Five tips from a practicing psychologist will help you with this.
While you were small, the world was simple and clear. Parents made the rules; you obeyed or rebelled. In any case, this happened in the coordinate system created for you.
Then you grew up, and the old scheme of relations with parents stopped working. How to build a new one is unknown. Five tips will help you build healthy relationships with your parents so everyone is happy.
1. Leave the past in the past
Do not let old conflicts ruin your relationship in the present. The past does not exist, the future does not exist. Only here and now. It is important to forgive parents everything that prevented them from living in those years. Yes, there were conflicts, but now you are all different people with a different life experience and a new value system. Start a relationship from scratch.
Perform a simple exercise: concentrate on early childhood memories and count how old your parents were then. In childhood, a child considers mom and dad to be gods, but these are tired and frightened young people of 20-30 years old. How old are you now? Perhaps they were dumber and younger than you in the present. But they did it. Educated and trained you, gave a ticket to life. Should I make claims for some mistakes and old quarrels? Not.
If you have strong nerves, do a thought experiment. Remember one of your dysfunctional classmates and classmates. Imagine being born in their family. Early pregnancy, alcoholism, drug problems. Compare this to your real childhood. Still want to make claims to those young parents for their “unhappy" childhood?
2. Live your life
In childhood, the child is not an independent person, but the continuation of the parents. Sometimes this is transferred to adulthood when the aged mom or dad tries to control the child, as if he was still five years old.
It also happens that a 40-year-old child begs mom's approval for any reason. This relationship cannot be called healthy - there are no happy families in such families. For parents, children are not obedient enough, children think that they are not loved enough. Life goes on in mutual insults and endless billing.
To build a harmonious relationship with your parents, separate from them. Move out of the apartment, as soon as possible stop taking money and understand what independence is. So the understanding will come that you are an independent person and yourself are responsible for your life.
Stop waiting for parents to solve your problems and manage your life. Do not try to solve all the problems of parents, only to pay them off. Live your life and for your own sake.
Relations with parents: independent life
When you understand, accept and stop mentally blaming your parents, your relationship problems will immediately disappear.
3. You and your parents are only part of your family
Some of my clients tried to abandon their roots due to conflicts with their parents. They considered their parents to be bad or wrong and for a long time they tried to start living from scratch. But this is a rather costly tactic that only absorbs energy and weakens. All these people tried to escape not from the family, but from themselves. With a known result.
Do not give up the roots. Learn about the ancestors as much as possible.
A lot of internal energy gives you the realization that you have thousands of generations that were born, lived and died in order for you to live here and now. Relations with mom and dad will be simplified right away. Firstly, it will become clear that relations in a family do not close on the pair “mother - daughter”. You are only a small part of the race. Secondly, the realization will come that your problems are quite typical.
Count how many ancestors you have in the last thousand years. You can approximately. Get a huge number. Think they were all good? Hardly. Everyone in the family has not only saints, but also sinners, drunkards, madmen, murderers. And does this somehow affect you personally? Would you like to rob someone by paying tribute to the great-great-great-grandfather convict? Of course not. You are not required to be responsible for the entire race. Everyone has the same set of ancestors, where everything is equally divided, good and bad. You and your parents are a couple of circles on an ancient tree trunk.
Do one more exercise: draw a family tree. To great-great-grandfathers with all branches will be enough. Look for photos, write interesting stories. So you better understand your place in the Universe and less worry about a thermometer broken in childhood. And it will prepare you for the next step.
4. Take your parents to yourself
Many of my clients did not find a common language with their parents because they opposed themselves to them. There is some trait, for example, increased nervousness or stinginess, which parents do not like, and a person distances himself from his parents. “I don’t want to be like my dad, so I won’t communicate with him, and in general I’ll do the opposite” - this level of logic. This does not work.
You will always be the child of your parents. You have inherited their traits and inclinations. Recognize this, not break yourself and your relationship.
Accept yourself as you are. And only then consciously change. Not because “I don’t want to be like a mother”, but consciously. You will always be like a mother, but at the same time your life will be what you make for yourself.
Caught yourself thinking like that? Then do the exercise "Mom, I am the same as you." Write down all the features of mom: appearance, habits, character, hobbies. Good and bad. Come up with hundreds of options. Separate list by mom, separate by dad. Then note what you have in common and with whom. The nose is similar, eating habits, reaction to stress - write down everything. As a result, you will understand that it is impossible to fight family resemblance - this is the constructor from which dad and mom assembled you.
At the same time, you have a broader horizons, you took the good from both parents and live in a different time. If you stop fighting and competing with your parents and engage in yourself, you will achieve what your parents could not achieve. And your relationship will become calm and balanced, because you have nothing more to share.
5. Remove the parents from the pedestal
We constantly form in our heads ideal ideas about loved ones. Perfect mom, perfect dad. Young children want their mother to talk only with them, not be distracted by anyone else. Adult children run to mom and dad for approval. Moms and dads, on the other hand, demand that the child has a “decent” work “like everyone else” that matches their picture of the world.
Relations with parents: pride
Return to the first exercise, but at a deeper level. Put yourself in the shoes of your parents again. You are a little over twenty, but already have a child, because these were the social norms in those years. You still do not know and do not know how, just graduated from college. Are you sure you will become the perfect mom and dad?
And your parents did it. You have grown up, educated, socialized, use the Internet - behind all this is a huge contribution, if not ideal, but humanly understandable boys and girls.
Ideal ideas are terribly far from what people really are. Parents have their own interests and goals, often not related to the child at all. Children have their own dreams, and they are clearly not happy with the career or marriage party that was invented for them.
No need to fall into cognitive dissonance, quarrel and make claims. Mismatch of parents to a fictional ideal is 100% your problem. Love your parents for who they are. Remove them from the fictional pedestal.
What then
When you change the internal attitude towards parents, you will see that your parents began to treat you differently. As soon as you stop sending unspoken claims to them, your parents will stop unconsciously reacting to your discontent and bombarding you with retaliatory claims.
Do not rush to send them this article, first work on the exercises yourself. And your relationship will improve.
