For some reason, no one tells us before the wedding that instead of one dearly beloved person, people close to him will come into our lives. Not only will they come - they will also have a significant impact on our future life. And with them we get a set of attitudes, principles and ideas.
On the one hand, the husband is part of his family, he did not come from nowhere. But, on the other, we ourselves choose the man with whom we are going to associate life, and we can build relationships that are convenient for us.
The fact that they will certainly be complex is still a stereotype, a myth, supported by the experience of many generations of Russian families. The safest and safest option is to remember that it could be different: remind yourself that you can choose the right relationship strategy for us.
It is important to remember that strategy and relationships can (and will!) Change. Yes, it’s hard to change the existing communication scenarios with the husband’s parents, especially since the other side can resist, but you can still try to rebuild them.
For example, when people get married, it is important for them to separate first, to increase the distance with their parents. But when the first child is born, a new involvement may be required from the newly minted grandmother, which will be accepted by the young couple with gratitude.
The position of the daughter-in-law is often difficult and obviously weak: nevertheless, we enter a new family structure that has long been established for ourselves. And I really want everything to go smoothly, so that with the help of love and support from relatives, we would receive a resource, rather than spend it on complex showdowns.
It is important to remember that borders are built, first of all, with the help of words, the designation of one’s opinion. To defend it, to object and refuse - hard work, which requires courage and strength. You will not always be understood: there are still families in which direct conversations are not accepted and entail conflicts and resentment.
Maybe you want to remain autonomous. Or, on the contrary, you are used to close relationships, and in communicating with your husband’s relatives you do not have enough warmth. But there is no “right” or “wrong” distance, so respect not only your own, but also someone else’s need for it.
Unfortunately, we cannot always change the style of communication accepted and established in the husband’s family, ways of expressing love, care, anxiety and other feelings. But our goal is to build healthy and productive relationships, build clear boundaries. This is a serious task for an adult: on the one hand, to learn to respect someone else's family system with its rules, values, on the other hand, to take care of your own, separate happy family.
They constantly break boundaries
Complaints about the violation by relatives of borders - both territorial and emotional - are the most frequent. “She climbed into our dirty laundry basket and washed my skirt”; “I come home, and my curtains are removed: my mother-in-law took it to wash, thanks for not throwing it away - she never liked them”; “My husband’s sister came to visit and came into our bedroom without knocking, just like that!”; “My husband’s mom has the keys to our apartment, and she often came to us suddenly — sometimes with a saucepan of cutlets, sometimes with washed and ironed clothes, sometimes she would clean up and pass on notes about the housework to me through my son.”
There can be many reasons for this behavior. For example, the son got married, but his mother did not let him go, he still takes care of him as his little boy. Or a mother competes with her daughter-in-law for her son, demonstrating that she knows and knows better, devaluing - even if unconsciously - the daughter-in-law. Or maybe the mother-in-law, indeed, sincerely wants to help the young family, and this option of helping her seems quite normal - she was helped in this way in due time, she was grateful.
What to do?
It is important from the very beginning to build the territory of your family, which is very clear and limited, and only invite relatives to visit this territory. Any of their initiative, which is implemented by definition without your consent with your husband, is a violation of the borders. It is important to distinguish border breaking from help.
The principle is simple: if either of you or both of you experience irritation, rage or other complex feelings, the boundaries are broken. But defending your family’s territory is your husband’s task. He must not only introduce you to the family, but also build new relationships with relatives, including prohibiting any intrusions - without spoiling these relationships.
They hurt my husband
“It is terribly disappointing when the father-in-law tells her husband that he has a stupid hairstyle or shirt that doesn’t suit him. I immediately say right away: “Sasha, but I like your hairstyle!” ”
Of course, it’s unpleasant to hear such a thing - but, perhaps, there is no offensive subtext behind such comments, it’s just that relations in the family have developed so historically. It is better to observe how the husband reacts to such tricks.
What to do?
If in front of your eyes, relatives offend your husband, you may be hurt and offended. It is normal that you want to support and protect him. And yet, refrain: this is the relationship of your husband and his parents who are not related to you.
Building contact with your relatives is again your husband’s task. And your task in such cases is to try to trust your husband that he is an adult and able to build the relationships he needs and satisfies his family, even if they do not seem right to you.
They hurt me
“At my mother-in-law’s birthday, I warmed Vanina’s porridge and waited for it to cool. My son spun in my arms and ached. My father-in-law came up and joked: “Vanya, mom doesn’t give you porridge, and you give mom in the eye!” I was terribly offended, and I did not even find what to answer. "
Your relatives (and anyone in general), seemingly in a comic, sweet and funny form, regularly “tease” you - but for some reason you are not at all funny, but rather painful and insulting. For some reason, it is important for your interlocutors to depreciate you, "put them in their place." The joke brought by the heroine devalued her as the mother of the child, offended and put her in an awkward position.
What to do?
It is better to suppress such treatment, not even particularly understanding the motives. If you support the joke with a return joke, you bless your offender to continue to “joke” on you like that further. It is important to quickly navigate and, not supporting a comic tone, convey to the interlocutor the thought “you should not treat me like this, my child should not say that” - by any means, up to manipulations. The threat to stop and prohibit communication with the grandson: “If you say so again, we won’t come to you any more” can work out.
They just don't love me
Your husband’s family defiantly does not include you in the family system, which seems to have a place for everyone: a husband, a child, and even a cat. Except you. “Representing our family at the holidays, the father-in-law says:“ And these are my son and grandson, ”and it seems that I am not at all! "When my son and Kostenka and I went to Turkey ..." - but nothing that I was there too ?! "
In principle, your relatives have the right to a distance of any degree that is comfortable for them. However, with your appearance in the life of their son, in their own life and in the family system, a daughter-in-law appeared who should be allocated a place. Situations in which the husband’s family for some reason refuses to allocate this place (frankly demonstrative ignoring, lack of gifts for family holidays) are painfully transferred, causing feelings of sadness, loneliness and even shame.
What to do?
To resort to the help of the husband. Introducing a wife into a new family is the man’s task, the daughter-in-law should not “break through” herself into it. It is important to talk with your husband, to declare about yourself and your desires and needs: "I would also like to join this family trip, it is important for me." “I was very disappointed not to receive the gift on March 8 with all the women in the family, I would not want to experience this again.” Perhaps, as a result of the husband’s intervention, the family will be able to give you the place that will be ready.
But still, remember that the family is a relatively mobile system, relations in the family can be reviewed and changed - and, perhaps, will still change more than once.
They love too much
“When we come to visit our father-in-law, our mother every time tries to shove the gifts with us: eggplant, homemade preserves, new bedding or something else that is unnecessary. Each refusal entails resentment, so I just hide the gifts in my bag, and useless cans and bundles accumulate in our house until they are thrown away. ” “My mother-in-law loves to cook and treat, but I can’t eat her dishes: too fat, too spicy, then my stomach hurts. But she is offended when I refuse! ”
What to do?
One day try to refuse a gift. It is difficult: in our society such refusals are not welcomed and are often regarded as disrespect. We are taught not to speak directly, but to hint - or just endure. This is not a very healthy mechanism for the psyche and relations: discontent and unspoken claims inevitably accumulate and cloud the relationship. Therefore, it is better to nevertheless gather courage and say as it is: “We are very pleased that you tried, but we do not like zucchini and don’t eat them. Sorry!" And in order for the mother-in-law soup to literally not poison your life, it makes sense to try to weigh what is currently the lesser of evils:
refuse or agree?
And remember that with each force-filled spoon we replenish the piggy bank of our irritation. It is also important to remember that the terrible consequences of failure imagined by us are our imagination, and perhaps they will never come. Well, the worst thing will happen if you refuse gifts? The mother-in-law will be unhappy, and you are worried.
They love grandson, but not like that.
We are just starting to plan a pregnancy, but we are already looking suspiciously at our father-in-law: after all, there will come a time when they will communicate with their grandchildren more and more. And it starts: “the boys do not cry!”, “You still get a spoon for dad,” “you are the hostess.”
“It is terribly frightening that we will not be able to every second control the treatment of grandparents with our baby: after all, they still live in old representations. What worries me the most is the force-feeding of a baby! ”
What to do?
To begin with, determine with your husband together, within your family, what is important for you, what is permissible, and what exactly is not necessary. It is advisable that this list is not huge, but feasible for your relatives. Include only things that are fundamentally important for you, for example: do not force-feed your baby. The list should be discussed and agreed with the relatives, explaining clearly the reasons for your attention to these issues if possible.
And perhaps the most important thing: constantly remind yourself that a child needs and benefits from different conditions. Different food, different books, different smells, different rules in the house. Mom will need to trust grandparents in the fact that they are able to cope with the simple care of the child. The grandson will be fed, they will play with him, they will honor him, and, most importantly, they will love him.
Question to the psychologist:
I am in complete despair, I do not know what to do. Please, help. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, the difference is also 10 years. When I met my husband, I was 18 years old and of course I didn’t think about what influence his family had on him, this time I would pay attention to the fact that he lived with his parents until the age of 30, and then I was full of love . I really love my husband, he is a wonderful person, very kind, very good and has not changed since the day we met, but there is one BUT - this is his relatives, or rather a herd. And he is in this herd to the ears. This herd does not live with us in the same apartment, and they personally do not touch me, or rather they do not notice me, I am an empty place for them. But I hardly see my husband because of them. I have the impression that I live alone, as my husband always helps his flock. They can call him at one in the morning, for some stupid reason (like urgently take compote to sister), and he gets up and leaves in the middle of the night and does not consider it necessary to even explain something. I cannot build plans in my family even for the current day, because if his Mom or Folder or Sister calls, he drops everything and runs away to them. To my indignation, I hear only one answer, "How evil you are, my relatives need help, and you are here with your plans." And that’s all ... The husband sits with his father in the country all weekend, since he is bored there on weekdays the husband is fiddling with his Mother, since she is too lazy to walk on foot, my husband is wounding around the rolls, and about the sister I generally keep silent about her two children, the husband also constantly delivers to schools, etc. I’m alone all the time and don’t understand how to live on ... I’m struggling to no avail, I tried to talk, my husband said that I’m crazy and capricious, I demand attention, and his relatives do not bother him with his requests, he’s happy with everything, “But I don’t I don’t know, his family destroys our family and tramples on our love.
The psychologist Unterova Victoria Vladimirovna answers the question.
Hello, Lisa! You write that you were 18 years old and you were full of love for your husband and did not pay attention to how the family affects him. It turns out that you are 10 years old with your husband and just now drew attention to this? Then you were full of love, but now how? Has the husband always gone to his relatives as often or recently? These are questions for you to think about.
You write that his relatives are a "herd", but for your husband they are close people. However, there is you - his family. And according to your description, it looks as if the problems of his relatives are more important to her husband than what is happening in your family. In your words there is an insult to the behavior of the husband. You tried to talk to him, to fight, but to no avail. So, it's time to consider new behavioral strategies.
As in any situation, the options may be different.
1. I think that for you this option is unlikely, but you decide. Strengthening relations with the husband’s family, joint trips to his relatives with him, participation in the affairs of his relatives. The advantages of this option are the possible improvement in relations with the husband and his relatives. Thus, you can strengthen your position in the family, stay with your husband more time together than now. Cons - You can lose your own life and will infringe on your interests, constantly participating in the affairs of relatives.
2. Obviously, your value in the eyes of the husband is reduced. He does not listen to your opinion, does not seek to spend time with you, is annoyed when you try to talk to him. Therefore, the second option is to remember what attracted your husband to you initially, when you just started dating, what was significant in your relationship for him and try to return it. Stop swearing, insist on your own, make claims - any person will want to run away from such communication. Lisa, to tell a man that there is not enough attention, it makes no sense. If he doesn’t want to be near you, then such reproaches will only make you angry and move away from you even more. Bright positive emotions cling to people, so try to hook him emotionally so that he himself wants not to leave, not to break away from you. You know your husband’s tastes, you can play on that. Try to surprise him with something new, unusual for you and your relationship, but taking into account his tastes. I can’t recommend it more specifically now, since there is too little information about your husband and you. Do not be afraid to fantasize, think about how you can captivate him. The main thing is that it is not one-time.
3. The next option is to live your own life. Build the reality that you will like. You cannot force your husband to do what you need. Therefore, think about yourself, not adjusting to it. Bring to your life that which will please you. Spend the weekend as you would like to spend, not planning your vacation, your affairs with your husband. The development of events with this option can be different: either you and your husband get so far apart that the question arises: “is it worth it to keep the marriage if everyone now has their own life”, or the husband can still worry about what you have become from him move away that have become more independent and he will have a desire to get closer to you.
Anyway, every girl who gets acquainted with the guy’s parents is very worried and worried. In order to make such an acquaintance as comfortable as possible, you need to know a few tricks that can really exalt a girl in the eyes of her boyfriend's parents. In order for the first acquaintance to pass qualitatively and seamlessly, you must first find out everything about the character and habits of the chosen one's parents. It is their behavior that will tell how they appreciated the girl, her appearance and character. Next, we will consider some recommendations on how to get to know the guy’s parents and how to please them.
Relatives of husband and wife: all about relationships
Relatives of the husband, especially his mother, as well as the wife’s mother, have long become heroes, if not jokes, then certainly funny stories, and sometimes very difficult events. Attention is paid to the joyful events associated with newfound relatives, and the very sad negative relationship between the older generation and the bride or groom, which the children brought into an already existing family.
In such cases, you can even hear statements in the style of "I do not like my husband's relatives." To get rid of the negative in life, you should know how to love the husband’s relatives and establish contact with the wife’s parents.
Relations of a woman with a mother-in-law and a mother-in-law
Good relations with relatives benefit both parties - parents with their children, the older generation with the younger. But often there are problems and conflicts in the relationship of the daughter-in-law with her husband's parents.
Girls very often complain about the mother-in-law and sprinkle with statements like "my husband's relatives do not accept me." Indeed, it is the mother-in-law that can cause some of the most serious problems for marriage. This can happen for several reasons at once:
- The mother-in-law does not approve of her son’s choice, just as she does not, for example, approve of the low level of economic activity of her child’s chosen one, her pedigree, unwillingness to soon have a child, or any other characteristic of the girl.
- The mother-in-law behaves too selfishly, constantly requires attention from the side of the son and takes offense at the absence thereof.
- The husband’s mother can also be overly critical and picky in relation to her daughter-in-law, check and control her every step, which can certainly lead to quarrels, disputes and unpleasant disagreements.
In all such situations, you need to understand what to do if you do not like the husband’s relatives, and how to take some steps to improve family relations among all her relatives. For example, you should not react too aggressively to annoying criticism and it is better to pay more attention to your husband’s parents and visit them on your own initiative.
It is important to remember that constant complaints to her husband are unlikely to correct the situation - the man will certainly take the side of his mother, which certainly will not help getting rid of quarrels.
Of course, there are various other ways and solutions that suggest how to protect yourself from the husband’s spoken relatives. Among them are radical decisions such as moving to another city, or simpler and more banal methods, such as restrained and cold communication with a newfound family, which does not allow any of the relatives to hurt and offend in their own words.
Negative mother-in-law image
In fact, the mother-in-law poses a danger to the relations of a young couple much less threat than the selfish and critical mother-in-law. Perhaps the only reason the mother-in-law poses a threat is the self-conceit of the young man, since the wife’s mother very often likes to play a trick on her son-in-law and to nod him.
Otherwise, the husband does not allow criticism of the husband, preferring, if even to discuss the problems of marriage with his mother, to do this completely unnoticed.
A father-in-law also usually does not interfere with his daughter’s relationship and only reacts negatively to his son-in-law if he really manages to offend his wife.
A girl’s chosen one may be suspicious of her spouse’s parents if her husband’s former relatives, in the case of previous marriages, have become a negative example of the relationship of two families.
In this case, the husband should discard the prejudices and try to establish contact with new relatives so as not to upset his beloved wife and not give his mother-in-law an extra reason to let go of causticity.
The importunity of the wife’s mother should not frighten her either — the annoyance of the husband’s mother is not inferior to her, and sometimes even “exceeds” her. However, the girl should not complain and tell negative stories about the relatives of the husband and himself to her parents - this may worry them and cause suspicions about the right choice for her daughter, which may cause deterioration in communication between them and, as a result, to quarrels inside couples.
Good relations between members of two families often depend not only on the behavior of the older generation, but also on the young themselves. They should also show firmness of character and stop the arrogance of their own parents if such actions are needed, but at the same time show enough attention to relatives on both sides.
Relatives of the husband or family of the wife can become real family people if you find a common language with everyone and try to create and maintain a good atmosphere.
Often, relationships between close relatives do not add up; more often, relationships with relatives of your loved one do not add up. How to withstand forced communication with them if you are annoyed by their presence alone?
Try to be polite and do not complain about your spouse. Boris and Julia at the very beginning of their family life realized that they perceive their relatives in completely different ways. If someone criticized their relatives, everything was fine, but as soon as one of them uttered at least one bad word to a relative from the opposite side, the second instantly flashed with righteous anger. Then they made a joint decision: no criticism of someone else’s relatives. I highly recommend following their example and avoiding conflicts in every possible way, since they will inevitably cause mutual discontent, and you don’t need to aggravate problems with relatives by tension in marital relations.
Try to keep your irritation under control. By and large, fighting with relatives, you gain almost nothing, but you can lose a lot. I don’t say at all that you need to smile meekly when your husband’s sister showers you with insults, I just advise you to refrain from harsh retaliations if possible in order to save face. Surely the husband’s relatives love him and do not wish you anything bad. Do not forget that your spouse’s parents brought him into the world, which means they have committed at least one good deed. While you are married to this person, his relatives are part of your family, and for your child they are the same grandmother with grandfather, uncle and aunt as your relative. Try to close your eyes to their flaws, no matter how annoying you are.
Remember that from time to time, anyone, including you, can cause irritation to others. When negative emotions get out of control and an angry quarrel begins, everyone suffers - unless, of course, noisy fights are not the main communication style in the family. The husband will feel between two fires, which is unpleasant for him, and the rest is not good. Learn the main virtue - tolerance. Then the tension will disappear and family relationships will improve, and the children on your example will learn to accept and love loved ones in spite of their shortcomings.
Relatives are not friends, but relatives by husband (by wife) are not their own blood relatives. You have chosen friends yourself; blood relatives love you, because it should be so, because you have a common story. But with the husband’s relatives, at first you were united only by love for him, and now also love for the child. If you are lucky, relations with all relatives will develop smoothly and without conflict, and if not, then for the sake of common interests it is better to try to find a common language.
