Maryana Spivak is the daughter of actor and director Timofei Spivak and actress Ekaterina Vasilyeva (Malysheva), the granddaughter of actress Zhanna Prokhorenko and director Evgeny Vasilyev. Maryana played the main female role in Andrei Zvyagintsev's film "Dislike." Her heroine Zhenya is ready to send her child to a boarding school to find happiness with a new man. Maryana played it very convincingly, and with a discussion of this role our conversation began about the film, about love and where to find strength.
We do not learn from the mistakes of parents
- Maryana, how do you feel about your heroine Zhenya from the movie "Dislike"? Excuse me, but everyone I asked sees a monster in her. Some, however, feel sorry.
- This is a difficult question. They often tell me: Zhenya is a rascal, she doesn’t like her son, she’s a real creature ... But I analyzed and thought after the fact: the child lives in a nice apartment, he has a room full of toys, he has friends ... There is, of course, some unknown to parents headquarters, but which of us did not have it in childhood. Yes, he got a crack from his mother - what, hasn't anyone had this before? I always try to protect my heroine. We are all advocates of our roles, because it is impossible to play villains, in any case, you need to look for some justification for them.
- Have you ever encountered a situation of dislike, similar to the one shown in the film?
- It seems to me that for a child, any manifestation of dissatisfaction on the part of adults, including an elementary easy cuff, is akin to the apocalypse, even if the adult does not have this apocalypse in mind. As a child, when I committed some kind of misconduct, even a very trifling one (for example, breaking a cup), it seemed to me that my mother would kill me, and I thought that I would really kill me.
Naturally, they never beat me, they did not punish me, all this is nonsense and this does not happen, but it seems to me that parents are such an absolute authority for children that any strictly spoken word is a disaster for them. I judge by my son Grisha - I can say something a little harsher than usual, and he already has square eyes, and he is trying to understand what he did wrong. Therefore, it is very important not to let your bad mood and problems splash out on them, because they perceive it a thousand times more sharply than we do.
- In one of your interviews you said a thing that really surprised me - that, in your opinion, your heroine still loves her son.
- Yes, I am convinced of that.
- And he says that he will give his son to a boarding school, solely to annoy her husband.
“Yes, I'm sure of that.” Even her text, “I did not want this child. I would like to have an abortion. Lord, I didn’t need him at all ”- also from despair. I am sure that she could not all 12 years not love her son, not love him over the years.
Shot from the film “Dislike”
- You do not believe that there are mothers who do not like their children?
“I believe, but I can’t fully understand this, because I madly love my child every second of my existence.” Therefore, I can not accept and understand this position. This is probably why I am defending her this way, which is why I am trying to find this love in her - because I can’t accept that she doesn’t have this love for her child.
I justify her by saying that this is an insult to her husband, pain, disappointment in life, I think that she was beaten painfully by various social and vital stones, that this is her mood. It’s hard for her, and she blames everyone around her — including her son, and wants a new life, wants her to have everything from scratch. Would she give the baby away? She wouldn’t give it anywhere. When she screams in the morgue: “I would never give him away!” - it is sincere, it is her gut, at least that’s how I played and broadcast it.
- When you listed the reasons why the heroine behaves this way with her son, you did not name her relationship with her mother, which are also shown in the film, they are described in sufficient detail, and they are monstrous. In my opinion, this is just the reason why she perceived this dislike and passed it along the chain further, is that so?
- This is what is on the surface, and it is natural. We all do not learn from the mistakes of our parents, and we all become our parents. As a child, when you look at your grandmother, at mom, at your blood relatives, at what they say and do, you think: "When I grow up, I will never do that." You grow up and suddenly catch yourself on what you are doing exactly the same. And I do not know whether this can be avoided or not.
Shot from the film “Dislike”
“I’ll leave, and let them seek me”
- As far as I understand, in your family this generational chain is completely different?
- Yes - that is probably why I justify my heroine. I am convinced that bad days happen in the life of each parent when he says something carelessly or in his hearts that the child will suffer, suffer and be pinched. Naturally, I had such moments, and my mother had such moments with her mother, maybe even entire periods, and this is probably normal - this is how parents react to teenage outbursts.
But looking back, I can say that in our family, among the three of us, love always reigned. The three of us have always lived, the female coalition - grandmother, mother and I, because my father and mother are divorced from my early childhood. When I was little, he came regularly, but only on weekends, and was an outlet from the education of mother and grandmother, dad is a holiday.
- Did you manage to pass without loss for a relationship with your grandmother and mother teenage period?
- Yes, we did not have major scandals, and I never wanted to seriously leave home. Only once was something like that - because of what was it? Either I was delayed from school, or I did not call, did not warn, in general, there was some kind of nonsense. I’m already approaching the house, and my mother goes out for a walk with the dog into the forest and, slamming the door in front of me, says: “They didn’t wait for you!” And I thought that then I would also go into the forest, and I would stay there ...
It seems to me that all children have this desire: "I’ll leave, and let them look for me." Or: "I will die, and then you will regret."
But after five minutes it becomes very scary, and you hope that a mother stands behind a neighboring tree and looks out at you, and you understand that you can’t do anything without them, you can’t and don’t want anything, and so on.
- What did your mother say about "Dislike"? How did she perceive this your role, how did she evaluate your work?
- She looked more than once, she was very nervous, worried. He says he is proud that such films should be.
Maryana with her mother at the premiere of "Dislike"
Orphanages - evidence of dislike
- My friend and I argued a lot about the film. It is very heavy, and I said: “Art should make people better”, and she said that art should not owe anything to anyone, that it simply expresses what the author of the film wanted to say, and nothing more. This is true?
I swear - every time we meet with spectators, there are several people in the hall who, after watching headlong, run home. And for me, this is the main happy ending of this film, this is the result for which it was worth working.
Maybe these people are doing fine, and they don’t change, but it’s wonderful that they don’t change for the worse, that when they see such a different life, they understand where to go.
There are spectators who close, release thorns and say that such people as in the film do not exist, this is not true: “We do not know any such person in our surroundings. They don’t treat children like that, everyone is not like that, everyone is good. ” And I immediately think: “How so? Is orphanages with refuseniks a confirmation that such people exist? How to get past this? ”
And although art really does not have the goal of teaching or saving anyone, but ascertains a fact or shows some vision, I believe that even if we do not save anyone, it’s very good that we shot this film to prevent it from rolling back into this horror , in this dislike, and we did everything right, if after watching someone suddenly wants to go and hug his child and ask him for forgiveness.
Andrei Petrovich Zvyagintsev said: he gave the script to one actress on samples, she brought it home, read it at night and then ran to the nursery, began to hug and kiss her two-year-old daughter and ask her for forgiveness. Zvyagintsev then thought: “Why is she asking for forgiveness - is it unlikely that she managed to cringe in front of her child in two years?” And I realized that she was asking for forgiveness for the future, because for sure she would have some kind of parental punctures.
This film falls into the souls of people, parents, mothers, so I believe that it must be, it must be watched.
Shot from the film “Dislike”
Where to look for love?
- For me, the very difficult moment in the film was the absolute recognition of the environment in the frame — of streets, and weather, and television, and houses, and cars, and people ... Obviously, Zvyagintsev built the whole composition so that it emphasizes this dislike. Therefore, even if everything is fine in your life, how can you love in these gray houses, in this disgusting weather, in this climate, when there is a gray sky on your head, how can you love these people, where to get resources for love? Where do you find them?
Anton Kuznetsov and Grisha
- It’s true that the sky is gray and the TV is rubbish, so people are increasingly refusing the TV, and we practically do not watch it. We try all the time to leave for some kind of sun in order to at least a little feed on solar energy, because especially recently we have such a climate that we can constantly yearn.
In Chekhov’s Three Sisters, Masha says: “If you live in such a climate, look, the snow will fall.” Masha is also in this eternal depression, because everything is already bad, and here is the weather. Everything was always bad in Russia. It always has been. If you read the classics, then they all suffer. Where to look for love? Only in each other, fueled by a loved one.
- Where are you looking for love?
- In the child. In a husband. Energy is provided by the sun and the sea, art, the same theater or something else. And love is people. When I didn’t have a child, I always really wanted him. I believed that I would have a family in which there will certainly be children whom I will love. I do not want to rest on my laurels; I am going to love another person besides my son.
Love is God, this is a continuation, not only of oneself: here I continued in my child; this is the continuation of a loved one, you love him and want to have more.
Maryana Spivak with her husband and son
- You said that love is God. Can you formulate about your relationship with God? Is there a resource in your life - faith, which also gives you strength?
- Of course have. I am a believer, but maybe not sufficiently churched. I do not strictly observe fasting, holidays, but there are times when vital stones will be severely broken and you need to free yourself from it, and then you want to come to church. I listen to myself, and when I want, I go there. I have a lot of personal moments related to the fact that I ended up there on time, but not in a teaching church, but in a salvation church, understanding where you owe nothing to anyone, you can just find some kind of support and purification here.
When shooting, no child was injured
- When I read about your family, I was struck by the fact that you are the daughter of Alena from “You Never Had A Dream,” the actress Ekaterina Vasilyeva (Malysheva). The second circumstance that struck me was that your mother works as a ringer. Please tell us about mom.
- She is an actress, she did not leave the profession anywhere, as the yellow newspapers wrote about when it became known that she was a bell ringer. It was like that. She lives outside the city in her father’s house, and a church was built there. Once she passed by and saw that they brought the bells. She asked: “Who will call?”, And the then father said: “Do you want, will you call?” She said, “I want to.” She has a wonderful ear for music from birth. And she went to the ringing courses at the Cathedral of Christ the Savior, went through practice there, called almost at the Patriarchal service there and became a bell ringer. Now, in addition to being a bell ringer, she still sings in the choir, in the same place, in her church.
- So, she is constantly attached to this temple?
- She has some holidays, of course. But this is not a monetary occupation at all, and for a long time she called what is called for herself, and then they began to give her literally a pretty penny for that. Now, since she does not have a permanent job, she sings in the temple and is engaged in acting with the children in the local recreation center, makes a film school with them, and shoots small stories, as in Jumble. But she did not leave the acting profession, she is always open to suggestions.
- You were filming together?
- Yes, we starred in a dad’s fairy tale - she played an episode, and I was Vasilisa, and dad was a director. But for the first time we filmed together when my mother was still pregnant, and I was in her stomach. And once all three of them starred with grandmother in the series with Roizman, and grandmother played grandmother, mother - mother, and I am a granddaughter.
With grandmother Zhanna Prokhorenko
- And your son, too, began to act early - after all, he plays a two-year-old baby in the episode "Dislike". How did he survive this moment?
- It was completely by accident. I did not expect that he would act in film - just at the last moment the casting director told me: “Bring your own, we will have children tomorrow”. I said, “I’ll bring it.” They had already prepared the site, a camera was hidden deep in the closet so as not to distract the children. One child no longer coped with the task and fell off, the second one was also taken away already tired and ready, and they launched ours. And he began to exist there so organically that they said: “That's it, let go of everyone, take it off.”
And they began to shoot him. I directed him a little, but in general he felt great, just played, and that’s it. He didn’t have to explain anything or force him to do something, he just sat and played. There is a moment where he is crying, but it was such an instant child switch when he wanted to play, but he was not given.
- It was deliberately done, that is, it was necessary for him to cry?
- Nothing was supposed there - yes, it was desirable, and it would be great, so it turned out. And as soon as they said “stop,” he instantly stopped crying and ran to play. Of course, there was no violence against him, otherwise I would kill everyone. All this only looks so scary, but in fact, no one tortured the children.
Moreover: Matvey Novikov, the boy who plays my heroine’s 12-year-old son, was not present at that terrible scene when his parents discussed that they would send him to a boarding school. In the film, he stands behind the door and eavesdrops, but in fact he did not hear this dialogue. He was simply assigned an acting task: now the door will open, and you should be bawled. We don’t know what he thought there himself at this moment, but he is such an artist who can cry at the click of a button. And he didn’t see the film, since it is forbidden to watch it until 18 years old. So not a single child was injured during the filming of this film.
Matvey Novikov in the movie “Dislike”
After the movie, people went to search engines
- There is a collective hero in the film - a search and rescue squad. Andrei Zvyagintsev said that the main performers went in search of. It's true?
- I did not go, and Alexey Rozin, Varya Shmykova and other actors anonymously participated in the search for “Lisa Alert”, without advertising that they were doing this for the film in order to understand how it looks from the inside. And I’ll definitely one day go too, I have downloaded Lisa Alert applications, where information about the current searches comes, and I'm waiting for such an opportunity.
- Mariyana, is there any kind of social sphere that is especially close to you?
- I can’t get past the announcements of sick children who need financial assistance. I know that there are a lot of scammers, but I can’t see these faces, these eyes, it’s always like a sickle in my heart, and I send money every time.
- Do you have a feeling that you, having starred in Dislike, did something very important and right, maybe the most important thing in life (not counting Grisha, of course)?
- For me, this is certainly a very big step - both in the profession and, probably, in life. I am very grateful to fate for dipping into this story, because, in particular, before the shooting, I did not know about the Lisa Alert detachment
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They say that in terms of love for their offspring "nature does everything." Something happens in the mother’s body, all hormones are produced at the right time in the right amount. Smell, hearing, instincts - everything dictates to her that this is her offspring, this is the most important. And mom begins to love. Is this really so? I dont know. But now I know that this mechanism can all break down.
I now remember how I learned that I will have a child. I was 18 years old. And I was not quite ready for this "news." At first, I was a little scared. Oh, what will happen now - I haven’t finished my education, how then to do a career with a little girl - a standard set of first thoughts. But, having learned this news, I went home on the bus. And then I went home, about 20 minutes, sat, thought about it, and suddenly I found myself rejoicing. I started a new stream of thoughts: "And I have a baby inside, in my stomach. And what kind of child he will be, interestingly. He’ll be born, I will love him ..."
But what was that? Hormones? Probably not. I was pregnant and before that, several weeks already. But she knew nothing and did not think. And then she found out, thought for half an hour, and lyrical thoughts turned on. In general, it often seems to me that all my first love for my son was some kind of "youthful romanticism." At least that's what it sounded and looked like. Before his birth, I romantically imagined how I would play and walk with him. When I was born, I looked at him and was touched: "What a white, smooth little he is, a finger in a fist clenches." Then, of course, reality covered me. That he is not only a little white and sweetheart, but also requires a lot of things, and I bear considerable responsibility for him. And a lot of worries from him, and he requires time - almost 100% of everything that I have. But here a sense of duty and all that is already on. Well, probably these hormones also exist. That make us sweet, touching mommies. And we swing, and hug, and do not sleep, although we are exhausted and tired.
But someone does not turn on. Yesterday I saw on TV a bunch of interviews with young mothers who got pregnant like this - and were not happy. And they were all told that "wait, nature will do its own thing!" When they give you the hands of your child, love will turn on! "And then they were given it - and nothing turned on, and they put it on their chest. They left them alone to look for contact with each other and get used to it, and months and years go by - and they. .. they don’t like. They don’t squeak, they’re not touched, they don’t rejoice at smiles. It’s just that a child has appeared, a new duty. He must be looked after, because this is my first duty, and this is my mother. But sometimes he’s nothing, and sometimes annoying And to say that for some reason he is badly needed for some reason - no, he isn’t needed. If he hadn’t been, life would have been easier and the child didn’t become an important and necessary person for them, it just feels like they have a lifelong debt, and they humbly carried it and bear it, but they’re not glad once.
And some will say that "Probably it is in youth." But it turned out that youth had nothing to do with it. Here was an interview given by a woman who gave birth at 37 years old. Already pretty late. She first went in for a career. Then she began to want a child. Everyone has it, and she decided that she wants it too. And she wasn’t a girl anymore; she understood what responsibility it was. And how much fuss - I understood. Already many friends gave birth, and she saw how they live. And they shared their experiences. And she financially prepared. And she set aside time directly, and she raked everything, and so that the child was born, and that she could exercise for a year. And even before birth, she organized a nursery - and she counted everything. As she is, until the child goes to nursery, she will be with him, and then she will go to work again. And the husband was there, and he also wanted, prepared and waited. And then he was born, and her husband was delighted - and she was not.
And somehow the child lives, grows, but she still will not be happy. Magical maternal love did not turn on. And she does everything, especially for this all prepared. But at the same time he is waiting for when it will be possible to go to work and do interesting things. And then the maternity leave was over, the child went to a nursery. And she began to rejoice that you can now see him less. And now the child is 4 years old. And she found a way to practically not communicate with him at all. Dad loves him - so he is busy. But she is not.
These women who were giving interviews were asked "directly to the forehead" - but imagine - now if this child would simply not exist now. Can you imagine that? Or (even worse) if he, after all the time he had lived, suddenly died. Died. Or they took it from you, and he will now live in another place, and you will not see him again. The chorus replies:
“I would be better off.” - and add that - well, I do not wish him death, I just need him. Let him take someone who can love him.
“Well, why not give it back?” If he really isn’t needed like that at all? You can give it away.
- Well, society will condemn. The family will condemn. I have no good reason to give it away. There are no financial problems, I am not disabled, no one is dying here. They will devour.
Those. the only argument why they simply do not give it to someone who needs it more - they do not want to be condemned and pecked. But if it were not for the pressure of society, they would give it with joy, and life would become more convenient and enjoyable. If so ... quite honestly.
But there they also showed children whom they had given. And moms showed. Just like that - they really decided that I didn’t want and would give it back. Then they changed their place of residence and social circle - so that they would not be pecked. And the children grew up, and such parents were found. And now they find them in 20-30 years, because they so wanted to know - maybe mother nevertheless regretted it. Maybe now he wants and loves? Found mothers are asked: "Here is your child looking for you, you gave it to him. Have you remembered about him in recent years?" And mom honestly answers: "No ..." or "Rarely." And the children want to hear that she sobbed and regretted all the years. And she says: “No, she didn’t regret it, let the child live with parents who want him and love him - poorly chtol? Well, good people have been raised.
And the children have a terrible disappointment. They found a parent, but he really didn’t both love and dislike. They did not regret, did not remember, did not look.
By the way, one such woman then calmly gave birth to two more children whom she safely fell in love with and raised. 10 years later, with another husband. And the first daughter never remembered, and did not think to take to her. She didn’t succeed for the first time - well, like that. Says: "I was not ready."
Every parent wants his child to grow up an educated and decent person. We instill in the baby the concepts of “good” and “bad,” we cultivate respect for loved ones, care for the younger ones, compassion, then we help to adapt to teamwork, learn to build communication with peers. However, often, finding a common language with a child is much more difficult than learning to say a strict “no” to him. Nevertheless, many psychologists argue that the main thing in raising a child is love, affection, care, attention and support. Often, finding a common language with a child is much more difficult than learning to say a strict “no” to him. What is the best way to show your child your love?
12 hugs per day
They ask themselves questions: “Is it possible to hug a boy, or from this he will grow weak-minded?”, “Is it more often necessary to kiss daughters than sons?”.
Everyone knows the famous phrase of the American psychologist Virginia Satir: “A child needs four hugs a day to survive; so that he feels good - eight; and so that he grows and develops as a person - 12 ". Of course, this does not mean that you need to have a calendar and mark on it the daily number of hugs with a child. But it is worth remembering that every baby needs affection, even if he strives for independence from early childhood: for ten minutes he ties the laces on sneakers and defiantly runs away when his mother tries to hug him in public. The main need of the child at a subconscious level is to feel loved.
The touch of the parents is as important to the child as the support of the word. Remember yourself in childhood: when you were scared - hid behind the backs of your parents, when you were upset - needed a hug, when you were happy - you opened your arms wide, and you hugged your mother, fervently looking into her eyes from the bottom up. And what did the father's encouraging pat on the shoulder mean to the boys? The child is then ready to roll mountains!
To kiss or not to kiss: that is the question
The child can and should be hugged, kissed and praised! The love, attention, affection and care that you gave him as a child is a kind of support in adulthood. Belief in yourself and your strengths, a worthy attitude towards others and a realistic, positive perception of the world is far from a complete list of qualities that you can cultivate in your baby, hugging him and supporting him.
Many boys' parents face a cold manifestation of love from the child. In public, the son pushes mother and grandmother reaching for him, leaves, displeases his head if they try to kiss him. Your child is shy, but this does not mean that he does not need care, attention and affection. Do not show your love in public: you are raising a knight, not a princess! Carefully hug the child’s shoulder at home, gently stroke her hair and kiss on the cheek for the night. The child will understand that they love him. And later he realizes that even in childhood, parents listened to his opinion, took into account his desires.
How not to spoil a child?
Love for the child should be wise: too much affection and tenderness will develop egoism and kill the independence of the child, an unloved child will grow upset with the whole world, relying only on himself and not reckoning with others.
How else to show your love for the child, so as not to spoil his attention? Touch your hands, playfully ruffle the baby's hair, hug by the shoulders, gently stroke the head, cheer on the shoulder. Your baby needs your care and affection every day, but especially pay attention to the child’s support if he is very worried, tired, physically injured, ill, survived stress and a sad event, and got scared. It is important to pay attention to the child in the morning and evening before bedtime.
Ineffective forms of parental love
Psychologists distinguish several types of "ugliness" of parental love: affectionate love, despotic and reprobate love.
We all love our children, believing that they are unique in everything: in the first smiles, throwing a nipple, timid steps. This is true, because every person is individual from birth. But, believe me, the neighboring children also smile when dad makes them laugh, and they fall amusingly when they learn to walk. The instinctive love of parents for children, sincere joy for each movement of the baby, the unreasonable raising of a small copy of parents to the rank of saints is something that young parents should be wary of.
A child brought up in the spirit of tenderness does not know the word “no,” he grows up in permissiveness and believes that he is unconditionally the best in everything. Whims, painful perception of failures and irresponsibility will become the main character traits of such a child. Constant tenderness does not bring up responsibility for the family, a business approach to work and caring for parents.
The other extreme is the despotism of parents: the child studies well, cleans up in his room, goes to the store, helps in raising his younger brother, is not naughty and does not ask for too much, but still the formidable dad will find something to blame. Undoubtedly, parents have power over their child, and sometimes it’s worth saying a firm no. But do not abuse it, otherwise there is a risk of depriving the child of the desire to be good and loved. Praise, caress and tell your friends about his successes at school! And then your kind and affectionate boy will not become rude in his teens, he will appreciate and respect his parents.
The third kind of unreasonable love is more often inherent in fathers - love of the farmer. Dad on a day off or dad providing a family that is stingy with emotions and manifestations of love for his baby is a common occurrence in modern family relationships. Fathers should remember that for the full education of a person with a capital letter, it is not enough to provide him with beautiful clothes, a computer and a couple of tutors. Material well-being will never replace affection, love and paternal advice! If with this behavior of the pope, the mother will not give the child three times as much affection, attention and care, the children will feel emotional emptiness. Do not be surprised if, by the age of 18, your son will not have pity, compassion, romance and mercy. He can be closed and mean on emotions, suffering from it himself.
Parental love should inspire new victories. Believe in your children the way you don’t believe in anyone else: he will feel your love at the stadium, at the exam, at your first love and after failure. Encourage your child’s independence and decision-making, and if he makes a mistake, take his mistake together, teach him to be responsible for his actions. Consult with a child from an early age, respect his choice, help develop the noticed talents. Reasonable parental love - these are the wings that help the child soar to the heights!
Olga Kudishina
Education from all holy works is the most sacred.
I have repeatedly confessed people before death. In their confessions, they never lament that they have not earned an extra million, have not built a luxurious house, or have achieved success in business. But people in the last hours are lamenting first of all that they could not do any good, help, support relatives, close ones, even random acquaintances. And the second thing that torments almost everyone before death is that they paid little attention to children.
In every business, talent, giftedness, as well as work and diligence are important. It seems to me that in the matter of education there are also mozartes and salieri. There are parents who raise children by intuition, without resorting to any theories, methods, or techniques. They love children, children pay them in return, they are connected by real friendship. I remember that one of my oldest acquaintances told me fondly about her son, who had long been married. And then one day I saw their meeting: an elderly mother and an adult son ran towards each other, like old friends who had not seen each other for a long time. Paradise (mother) didn’t hear anything about the methods of upbringing, she hardly even wondered how to bring up. Just loved her son. These are gifted parents, mozart in education. Others, whom, of course, the majority, are constantly perplexed by the behavior of their children, and their intuition is most often silent. No, they also love children, but they love somehow illiterate, or something. We parents are ready to give our lives for our children, not to sleep, not to eat, but to our horror we often see that our love is imperfect, that we often injure our children, get irritated and quarrel with them, do not find a common language, move away.
What should mom or dad do, who by nature do not have a pedagogical talent, and from their parents have adopted the wrong model of education, those who have more questions than intuitive insights? Books to read, of course. So to say, "to verify harmony with algebra." The books are very inspiring. It seems that now I’ll go and do everything right. But in reality, everything is not so simple: the knowledge gleaned from books often encounters serious and sometimes insurmountable obstacles in our nature, habits, deep-rooted pedagogical model, perceived from parents, fatigue, self-focus, on life problems.
In addition, it seems to me that we often lack not just a specific pedagogical gift, but simple universal human qualities: wit, kindness, love, in fact. Children, even with the most complex character, are very fond of cheerful, kind, “light” adults.
So what do those who are parents, but not geniuses, mothers and fathers, but not even skilled craftsmen? For those who understand that the difficulty of upbringing is not so much in children as in themselves? Indeed, wit, let’s say, is a gift, kindness and love are acquired by a long-term feat, and a lot can be made of wrong and, perhaps, destructive steps during this time.
These and other questions about matters of parental love are addressed to the Orthodox family psychologist Olga Lysova-Brodina.
- Yes, true gospel kindness and sacrificial wise love are rare gifts, but if you take the position that only a person with a finely developed intuition, witty, funny, kind, and able to sacrifice love, can raise their children successfully, then most of us are very fast will come to a standstill, and even acquire a complex of parental and pedagogical inferiority. The above "simple universal human qualities" are rarely combined in one person. And if you add intelligence and delicacy to this list, then your hands may completely drop. Many parents in consultations with pain say that they love their children not as wise love as they would like, that they often acutely feel a lack of patience and cordial warmth in dealing with the child, because of which they come to a standstill and begin to lose heart. And the psychologist needs to make a lot of efforts to help the parent understand that this is not a reason for discouragement and self-flagellation, but a reason for creative work on the difficulties that arise in relations with a child, for gaining new knowledge, for working on oneself. It is important to understand that if the Lord gave a child a person, that means he believes in him, that means he has parental talent, maybe in the most embryonic latent state, but THERE IS! And that this responsibility is great before God and your children! What this talent needs and can be developed!
You can learn love and kindness with your children, supporting each other with soul and prayer.
In order not to drive yourself into a dead end, one must not forget that love, kindness, and delicacy can be studied together with children, supporting each other mentally and prayerfully. And it’s never too late to engage in pedagogical self-education. Psychologists often have to deal with serious neglected situations when the impoverishment of love between children and parents comes to mutual hostility, to open confrontation, and sometimes to enmity. And even in such situations, you can not give up. With the impoverishment of love between a parent and a child (often this happens when a child becomes a teenager), the advice of the Monk Ambrosiy Optinsky can help: “If you want to have love, do love deeds. The Lord will see your desire and diligence and put your love in your heart. ” And not only in the parental heart, but also generously gives the child love for parents, respect and gratitude!
- So after all, at that stage of spiritual formation, when love comes from an unreformed passionate heart, understanding what in each particular situation will be a “matter of love” and what can harm you can often be very difficult, especially when it comes to children.
One of the most important deeds of parental love is to purify your heart from passions.
– Pedagogical intuition is directly related to the human heart. Truly wise love is born in a cleansed, humble heart. She does not get along with selfishness, anger, impatience and pride. Therefore, one of the most important deeds of parental love is the cleansing of the heart from passions. And the covenant may become its most reliable basis: "Save yourself, and thousands will be saved around." But cleansing the mind and heart is a long process, and it’s important not to make gross mistakes from the first parental steps. And psychological and pedagogical knowledge can help in this. It is not easy to understand what exactly will be a matter of love and what will benefit in each specific situation, and what will harm, if the parent does not possess any pedagogical methods, except for the carrot and stick method. It is this method that most often leads parents into a dead end, and especially often parents of teenagers fall into such dead ends. Without a creative approach to the upbringing process, it is difficult to maintain warm, friendly, trusting relationships with children.
It is very important to obtain even the most minimal pedagogical and psychological knowledge.
And in order to creatively, flexibly and wisely approach educational issues, it is necessary to have a rich pedagogical palette. Therefore, a very important matter of parental love is to obtain even the most minimal pedagogical and psychological knowledge. Today there are many opportunities to get basic knowledge: these are books, the Internet, and attending a psychologist or a pedagogical seminar. All this will help to avoid many gross errors and move from the primitive and superficial (the so-called artisanal) pedagogy to the creative and constructive.
- What do you think is the best way for parents to start their self-education, which ones should be paid attention to first of all?
- There are several basic topics. As the main ones, I would single out the following: unconditional love, acceptance, respect. Without this, it’s difficult to move forward. It is still important to know the basic pedagogical models, their influence on character formation. Each model has its pros and cons, and knowledge of them helps a lot. It is also important to know the main thing about temperaments, about the first manifestations of a nascent neurosis or psychopathy. The most minimal set of this knowledge helps not to harm the child (demanding that he cannot afford it) and notice in time that he needs help, that he can’t cope with his emotions, with the loads, that it’s hard and bad for that pedagogical model that you have unknowingly or consciously chosen. To be careful, thanks to this knowledge, you can notice the first symptoms of a developing neurosis or psychopathy and, having turned for help to a professional - a child or family psychologist, a neuropathologist - to prevent the development of the disease. And this is a very important matter of love. But not central!
We must not forget to say warm and gentle words to children, without waiting for a surge of warmth and tenderness
Knowledge is very important, but their strength cannot be overestimated. They can help to avoid gross mistakes, but they cannot give the main child - warmth and affection. I’m not afraid to seem banal and I’ll say about what everyone knows, but often forget to apply in everyday life: I call it l vitamins (love and affection). Psychologists are not tired of saying that the need for unconditional love and affection is basic and basic. Often, when a child grows up, becomes a prickly teenager and ceases to cause natural instinctive tenderness, the theme of love fades into the background. And in order to overcome crises, he needs to constantly feel that he is loved. It is very important for a child to understand that they believe in him and see the bright in him. Therefore, one must not forget to say warm and affectionate words to children, without waiting for a surge of warmth and tenderness. Indeed, even if we externally do everything right - we develop the child spiritually, physically, intellectually, but do not strive to give him simple spiritual warmth, unconditional acceptance and respect, we are pushing him to search for emotional feelings and joys outside the walls of his house. And the consequences of this can be the most unpredictable.
- I think many loving parents simply do not know how to express their love, and they are afraid to say another sweet word out of fear to spoil their child, thinking that a strict tone will keep him from the vagaries. And many are simply by nature unkind and believe that daily care for children is an expression of parental love. But some parents should feel some disharmony in the relationship.
- Of course, because the opportunity is lost to build a warm trusting relationship. And without this, the process of education becomes similar to training.
A few years ago, I was very pleased with one mother. We rode the subway, and she told me about the serious crisis of her grown daughter, about her harshness, absenteeism, difficult relationships with young people, the desire to drop out of medical college. I began to tell her that we would help my daughter survive this difficult period, that she should talk with a psychologist, and be patient with others ... Suddenly, my mother took out a phone and began to write SMS. A minute later, the answer came. She smiled. We have a very close relationship, and she showed me correspondence. There was only one phrase in each: “I love you!” - and the answer: "And I am you." Now they are the best friends, the daughter has become a nurse, is preparing to go to medical school, she married and became a mother.
At the end of the first conversation, I would like to quote the outstanding researcher of the topic of love - the philosopher and psychologist Erich Fromm:
"Setting that nothing is easier than loving, is the most widespread concept of love, despite the crushing evidence of the opposite ... If it was a question of any other activity, people would strive at all costs to find out the reasons for failure ... The first step in this direction is to realize that love is art ... If we want to learn to love, we must do the same as if we wanted to master any other art ... In addition to studying theory and practice, there is also a third factor: mastery of art should be completely excluded integral importance; there should be nothing more important than this art. ”
Unconditional love
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The main problem that arises for many parents who learn about unconditional love is that it may seem as if unconditionally in love is to accept the child as he is, including all of his shortcomings. This erroneous conclusion becomes a stumbling block on the path to unconditional love, confuses and confuses, especially when it comes to practice. The fact is that to love a child unconditionally is not to love for SOMETHING, but simply because he is. To love with gratitude to God for the wonderful gift of parenthood. Love just like that.
A reliable brick that we can put in the foundation of unconditional love is the understanding that our parental task is not to love because he is good, obedient, hardworking, but because he dear, the soul that needs our warmth, protection and help! And to love despite all the negative manifestations, with patience and prayer helping him to become better, kinder, but at the same time not to ignore the manifestations of passions. Therefore, one of the very important components of unconditional love is a wise dosed severity that protects the carefully, but decidedly bright part of the child’s soul from manifestations of passions and external evil. It is often necessary to encounter a misconception when parents believe that since they tell the child strictly that they can’t be rude, you can’t offend your neighbors, your younger ones, you can’t ignore requests and spend days idle, if you are punished for it, they don’t definitely love the child . This is not true. Periodically arising conflicts with children do not mean that unconditional love between us and children is automatically destroyed. Not!
Seeing the negative aspects of the child and helping him cope with them are integral components of unconditional love!
Moreover, with regard to the negative aspects that everyone has, then to see them and help the child cope with them are integral components of unconditional love! It is not severity that destroys unconditional love, but parental malice, impatience, and the energy of condemnation.
If we turn to Divine pedagogy, examples of which were given to us by God in the Gospel, we will see how exactly we are called to fight with passions and sin in children. The first is to give knowledge about the nature of man, to tell what it is necessary to fight with (about passions and sinful thoughts) and why, to enlighten the mind and heart with patristic knowledge about our eternal soul. It is important not only to talk about passions, but also to inspire spiritual inner work, to set beautiful and bright goals for yourself and your child, to reveal the theme of God's Love for us and our love for Him and others. The Lord gave all this knowledge in parables and commandments of bliss, and we must pass it on to the children.
It is important not only to tell the child about passions, but also to inspire him to spiritual inner work
But there is one secret: if we look at how many times the Lord has shown righteous anger, seeing all human lies, during the three years of His sermon, we will see - only three times: in the temple with the merchants, he also instructed indirectly by the example of a barren fig tree and when said in hearts: “Oh, an unfaithful and perverse generation! How long will I be with you and will bear with you? ” (Luke 9: 41). The rest of the time, He healed, fed, comforted, taught, forgave, delighted, and inspired with miracles. Many will say: He is God! It is unattainably high! Yes it is. But we can take at least one hundredth for ourselves as the norm. Just less annoyed and angry, more inspire, comfort, delight. Often show flexibility and wisdom, focus on light, on the image of God and likeness in the soul of a child, rejoice in good manifestations. More often in a conflict, switch yourself and the child to something bright, wise, and not concentrate stubbornly on the negative sides, on what the child still cannot cope with for some reason. You can switch a tired or unable to cope with the emotions of the child to the game, give rest, read, go for a walk, if the problem is serious, go to the temple together, pray. And very often after switching the child becomes calmer, more obedient.
It is very important to let the oxygen of love, prayer and joy into the relationship! The recently celebrated one has this example:
“Parents, as far as they can, should explain to the children the good in the good: with love and pain. I remember one mother who, seeing that her son was behaving badly, with tears in her eyes and with pain said: "Do not do this, my golden child." And seeing such an example, her children learned to work with joy in order to avoid life's temptations, not to give in to difficulties, but to overcome them with prayer and trust in God. ”
To remain in the field of unconditional love, it is necessary to clearly build the boundaries of the permissible for the child and punish him without malice and insults
But it happens that this is not enough, the child after long exhortations continues to stubbornly ignore the request or the ban. And then wise severity and even tangible punishment are necessary. But in order to remain at the same time in the field of unconditional love, it is necessary to clearly build the boundaries of what is permitted and to punish without malice and insults. There is a well-known patristic dictum, which very succinctly explains why everything said in anger, most often it is not acquired with anger, is not accepted by the soul: "Truth without love is slander."
And here we come to the next stumbling block - parental anger, which the child’s subconscious mind and soul perceive as dislike. It is the passion of anger that most often, combined with pride and impatience, does not allow the parent to create a space of unconditional love in the family. The Monk Paisius of Athos speaks very figuratively of this:
“Coercion of parents does not help children, but they choke them. The endless “don’t touch it, don’t go there, do it this way ...” But the bridle must be pulled so as not to tear it. It is necessary to expose the children tactfully in order to help them realize their mistake, but at the same time not to allow a gap between you. Parents should do the same thing that a good gardener does by planting a small tree. The gardener gently, with a soft rope, ties the tree to the peg so that it does not bend or damage when the wind tends it to the right or left. Then the gardener makes a fence for the tree, watering it, taking care of it, protecting it from goats - until the branches grow near the tree. After all, if goats will eat a small tree, then that's it - it can be considered dead. A tree eaten by goats can neither bear fruit nor give shade. But when its branches grow, the gardener removes the fence, and the tree begins to bear fruit, and goats, sheep, and people can rest under its shadow. However, often parents, being prompted by excessive care for their children, want to tie them not with a soft rope, but with steel wire, while children need to be tied gently so as not to injure them. Parents should try to help children nobly. This will cultivate piety in children's souls, and then they will be able to feel the need to do good themselves. ”
The energy of anger and pride, the spirit of Pharisaism in communication cause confrontation among children (adolescents are especially sensitive and sharply defend against them), and the energy of unconditional humble wise love, prayer, kind humor and creative approach cause love, respect and change for the better.
What can help us create a space of unconditional love? First of all, this desire to wrap up the soul of the child with warmth, the desire for a peaceful solution to emerging problems, warmth, condescension to infirmities, generosity, prayerful patience, strict attitude towards oneself and merciful towards the child. Also, the desire to help, enter his pain and share it, warmly support. And in cases where it is necessary to reason and stop the child, wise strictness can come to the rescue, which is based on deep respect for the personality of the child and delicacy. In creating a space of unconditional love in a family, a special place is given to the enlightenment of the child’s mind and heart with wise patristic knowledge about the soul and in its depths, about the saving secret of humility and sacrificial Love.
“Love inadvertently descends when you are not waiting for it at all ...” reads the line of the famous song. A romantic craze falls on his head suddenly, like a snowball. It makes your head spin, colors the world in bright colors and makes you smile for no reason, and sometimes it just knocks the soil out from under your feet. Remember your first feelings? Awkwardness, shame, excitement, just what - crimson cheeks and unpleasant abdominal cramps? Great time, isn't it?
Now imagine for a second that this is not about you, but about the love of your son or daughter. It is she, and not you, who is going on a date with an incomprehensible boy, preening for hours in front of a mirror. And this is it, your own boy, kisses a classmate in the cinema ... How are you feeling? Do you want to go and check what your favorite offspring is doing there?
Then it was for you that we interviewed Alexandra Chernysheva, a psychologist-consultant, trainer, specialist of the Center for Future Architecture, and found out what to do if a child falls in love.
- The child fell in love - what to do?
- Firstly, remember that falling in love is a normal natural feeling that most people on Earth experience. All parents sooner or later go through this.
Secondly, calm down. Drink a cup of your favorite tea, make a manicure or lie down in the bathroom. You will need composure and endurance.
The most important thing is not to rush at once to the teenager with persistent inquiries and the demand to give out all appearances and passwords. Such a reaction will scare the child at such a touching moment in his life and reduce your chances of finding out more. A frightened teenager will go into the wilderness defense, and his confidence will be lost.
If you want to discuss this topic with your child, then invite him to come up and ask questions when he has such a desire. Be open to dialogue. But do not bother and turn into an investigator.
- Fear for a child - is this normal?
- Your anxiety is absolutely normal, how normal are all the emotions that we experience. It is by the presence of feelings that we differ from robots and computers. They are a signal that something is happening to us.
Each parent, regardless of age, all his life in his offspring will see the child, even if the child is well over fifty. It `s naturally. But it is important to remember your own experience of falling in love. It was different for everyone, but, for sure, your first hobbies also appeared in your teenage years or earlier ... Remember: was it all scary?
- If the child himself has entrusted the secret and is waiting for advice and help, how to provide it?
- It's great that the child confided. It is worth expressing gratitude to him. Again: do not overdo it with gratitude and happiness, but it’s worth expressing pleasant feelings.
If the child’s questions cause embarrassment, surprise, embarrassment, and other feelings, then it’s also worth mentioning about them. Children and adolescents feel great emotions of other people, especially parents, so it is important to speak them out.
Share your own experiences and romantic stories, happy and unhappy. But only if you are ready for this. Do not share something too personal or unpleasant for you. Tell a story from the same period of life - it will bring you closer and give the child an idea of \u200b\u200bsomeone else's experience in a similar situation.
If you are ready and feel the need, give some advice, but usually a teenager is enough to be listened to, showed sympathy, attention, support.
- If a teenager is silent, like partisans, is it better to have patience and wait?
- Of course. You can talk about your feelings when it seems to you that something is happening to him. But do not start each conversation with the phrase: "It seems to me: something is wrong with you." Tell him that you are here, close and always ready to talk on any topic. Not the fact that he will seize the opportunity, the intensity of his experiences will definitely decrease. By this behavior you make it clear that he is not alone and that he is loved.
- The child brought the object of love home, is it worth running into the room every time they close the door?
- Firstly, rejoice: the child does not hide from you dear person for himself behind seven locks and does not sit with him in the entrance. These are also a sign of trust. Now you must justify his trust: not to eavesdrop or peep. If the closed door to the child’s room is unacceptable to you when he is not alone, then you need to discuss this with your child in person before the appointment or after, if it happened suddenly. It’s definitely not worth talking about this in the second half. If the child becomes ashamed in the presence of a significant person, the next time they move to the same staircase.
- What if parents do not like the other half of the child?
- I’ll say a terrible, but truthful thing: the child will not ask the parent for his opinion. Unfortunately or fortunately, the more you talk about the shortcomings of passion - the more the teenager reaches for her.
If you really don’t like the passion at all, then ... Rejoice that the child brings this passion into the house - everything happens before your eyes and under your conditional control. Also tell the teenager what you would like to see in the second half of the child, and ask what the teenager in the chosen one likes.
Try to calmly react if the second half is a representative of the subculture: metal, informal, etc. Perhaps the metalworker is actually a brilliant mathematician and your child appreciates just that. Passion for heavy music will pass, the intellect will remain. In any case, if you are aware of the situation, you can influence it, and for this it is important that the teenager does not see the enemy in the parent.
- If we are talking about a big age difference?
- With age - more difficult, but again: no prohibitions work! The forbidden fruit is always sweet. If a child meets an adult, then the situation should be watched and, possibly, start a conversation about sexual relations and contraception.
- When should I start talking about contraception?
- It is worth starting conversations that are not related to romantic love, at the age of 12-13. Talk abstractly first. You can slip books and brochures about sexual education, discuss love scenes in the movies (age-appropriate, of course), but don’t push. At this tender age, children want understanding and tact from their parents. If in response to his luminous feeling, you immediately pop a pack of condoms into his pockets, this can scare him away.
Be prepared to answer any questions: about sex, contraception, sexual intercourse, etc. If you do not provide the necessary information - it will provide the Internet.
- What if love turned out to be unhappy? How to help and explain everything?
- Explain - no way. The child understands everything with his head. But the reason is not in the head, but in the emotions. Therefore, together we suffer, worry, cry. If the child wants to cuddle - cuddle. You can give only support, attention and contact.
The main thing: do not tell the child: “It's okay, it will pass!” - cause only aggression. For him here and now it is scary and does not go away. Empathize, sympathize and support.
- If the child wants external transformations, then work together with them: a new skirt or pants, hairstyle, color of nails, a gym. With diets and losing weight - more difficult, this is a separate big conversation. Here I will not start it.
Celebrate changes in the appearance of the child, and everything needs to be commented separately. Compare two options: “You have a beautiful dress. It suits you ”and“ You are beautiful in this dress. ” The first option is much better, since it separates the appearance from the essence. We can be different.
- What if the child fell in love with an idol?
- The question of measure is important. Sympathy for idols is characteristic of all adolescents. It is bad if the child ceases to live a real life. Then the question arises: “What is going on in reality that a teenager escapes from her into a fantasy world?” Most often, the reason lies in negative relationships with peers, inability and unwillingness to communicate with them, lack of contact and complexes. Then you need to understand not the idol, but the reasons.
