Because in the mail I received a letter from Kira. She asked him to publish and help with advice on what to do. Here is her letter:
The cry of the soul in a relationship with the mother-in-law
My name is Kira, I am 28 years old, I have a wonderful husband, we have 2 beautiful boys (5 and 3 years old) and I have a mother-in-law. In general, it will be discussed about her, as you probably already guessed. I can tell to myself that I have 2 higher educations, perfectly 2 foreign languages, and I work as the head of a large department in a large company. This is for the big picture, so to speak.
Our story began 6 years ago. My then-future husband and I, as we immediately felt that we were halves of each other and after a month my husband started talking about the wedding and the child, the child was conceived before the wedding, and when we got married, I was already 3 months pregnant.
Lovely mother-in-law or monster?
The mother-in-law was completely preparing for the wedding (let's call her mother Zina). She immediately said that this was her only son and she had been waiting for this day all her life, so everything from my dress to the video operators chose IT! I didn’t especially betray this value, especially since I worked, plus the first months of pregnancy, and I thought, since my mother-in-law wants it so much, then let it.
Mom Zina immediately put forward to us her conditions that we should live with her. In principle, before our wedding, I was sure that this beautiful woman, we always joked, talked with her, I liked her. Mom Zina lives on the outskirts of the city and I had to get up at 5 in the morning to get to work, to leave home at 6. It was a 2 hour drive from her to my work. When I returned from work back, she called me and instructed what I needed to do around the house today. I want to note right away that her house is private about 100 m2 + 12 acres of land!
And so I came home from work around 19.00 and started vacuuming, mopping, cooking, eating, ironing, etc. Do not forget that I am pregnant and because of these constant traffic jams I had eternal problems with pressure. But I never once told anyone and didn’t even hint that I was not living well. I believed that the daughter-in-law should behave this way. When I went on maternity leave, so in general, after every rain, the windows in all rooms were washed (the mother-in-law is obsessed with cleanliness!). Sweeping the whole yard, in general, it smelled SO, for the first time in my life. My husband helped me on the weekend.
One weekend, my husband and I gathered with friends in a holiday home with an overnight stay, and when we returned, Zina’s mother gave us a wild scandal, screaming that we were doing nothing, that we were ungrateful, etc. I did not intervene, my husband after that said that we would not live with her, and we began to look for an apartment. The mortgage was very expensive, and I didn’t want to carry a child in a rented apartment. In general, somehow everything settled down, but this was only the first bell.
The most interesting thing began when our eldest son was born. By the way, the house, although 100 m2, is stupid. There are only 3 rooms in it, the hall and bedrooms of Zina's mom are huge, and the room where we lived with my husband is so tiny that we only got a lorry and a closet there. Zina’s mother didn’t give her room, and we somehow stuffed the arena for her son and huddled in this little room. I didn’t even have anywhere to hang my things, they were folded under the bed.
In general, a week after discharge from the hospital, my husband went on a business trip, and I had to give my son medicine through a syringe, I was afraid alone, and asked the mother-in-law slowly from the 5 gram syringe to pour glucose into his mouth, and I held him in my arms .
I don’t know what attacked her, but she took all 5 ml. in one fell swoop poured into this tiny mouth and the child began to choke. I was terribly afraid, turned him over, and when he cleared his throat, she said to her: “Mom, what are you?” Yes, I called her mom - that was her demand! What started here! She began to yell at me, call names, cover me with mats. To say that I was in SHOCK is to say nothing. I just repeated, Mom, what are you, what I did to you.
She screamed, then she said, get out of here or I can’t vouch for myself. I ran away with the child to the room, tied the handles with a belt from the dressing gown, and was even afraid to go to the toilet. My husband flew in at night, I told him everything. In the morning we packed up and moved to live with my parents. Slowly, my shock was relieved, and we began to go to her on the weekend, show my grandson.
Mother-in-law and attitude to grandchildren
For a year, she did not come to our son, because of a nonsense, she quarreled with my husband. When I called her, she began to talk through my teeth through my teeth, to which I told her that your relationship with your son is one thing, and our relationship with you is another. Exactly one and a half years, she did not communicate with her son.
I regularly called her, asked how she was doing, drove her grandson to her, and she came. During this time, we have had a number of changes. My grandmother moved to live with my parents, thereby losing my lorry to us. I managed to get pregnant and give birth to a second son.
When they were supposed to discharge me from the maternity hospital, I called her in the morning and called her for discharge, to which I heard that she wouldn’t go in order not to meet her son and started yelling at me again, that I had turned him against him, that we both pigs are ungrateful and again mats.
You know, I don’t even want to write everything here, I can only say one thing, nothing from the fact that she always screams is not true, therefore, I don’t need to go into details either. She did not come to the statement of her grandson. Moreover, on the day of our discharge, her mother called me (that is, my husband’s grandmother), didn’t even congratulate me on the birth of my son, but immediately started yelling at me that I had brought her daughter.
I didn’t - listen to everything, only said that I just did not want to listen to such speeches, having just given birth, nursing mother, so as not to lose milk. And so that she no longer calls our house. After this 2 months we did not communicate.
Maybe they wouldn’t talk longer, but winter came, and Zina’s mother’s winter clothes were at home. We could not afford to buy new things, I’m on maternity leave, heaps of expenses, so I gathered my strength and called her. She was, as if nothing had happened, and even kindly agreed to bring winter things herself. She arrived, brought things, gave me some kind of her gold pendant as a gift, and it turns out that as if nothing had happened she began to communicate with us.
Mother-in-law attitude to own son
After that there was a certain lull, ahhh, no, there was another story, after which I finally realized that she should not be trusted. Still, I still tried to believe in a miracle, but after that. I'll tell you now. She always rolls a barrel on her son, that he can’t do anything, that he’s not capable of anything, that his business is not business, but childish pranks, etc., etc.
And she always told me that he’s such and such, if he will show off, chase him, I will never let him go to me, let him resemble and think. And then somehow we had a fight with my husband, because of some nonsense. And he slammed the door and left. And where do you think? Tatatam, of course, to mother Zina! And she happily let him in, and when I reminded her of her eloquent speeches, she told me that you are my son, how can I not let him go, and moreover, she suggested that we bring our children to her for the weekend.
Of course, I did not give the children to her, and after 4 days of waiting for the prodigal husband at home, I packed our things and went to Zina’s mother’s home. She told her husband that since you are here, we will live here, our house is where you are. We stayed there all day, in the evening my husband would go home himself))) This was a huge lesson for me that you can’t trust her at all, since then I don’t tell her anything and don’t trust her words. But at the same time, I always call, I find out how she is doing, I force my husband to call her, and on the weekends I always collect our whole family and we go to her.
So, for 2 years we lived in perfect harmony, by the way, we’ll have to tell another story here, it’s not mine, so I’ll only touch on it briefly so that everyone can understand. Our mother Zina is not married, but she has been the mistress of one Turk for 30 years. The Turk has his own family, a bunch of children and grandchildren. But you can see something in my mother-in-law that he has been with her for so many years. He lives with his family, but he comes to her every day, apparently helping sometimes financially, but I don’t know this, so I won’t lie. So this is how beautiful we lived, probably also because Zina’s mother was in a quarrel with her Turk, for more than a year she didn’t communicate with him and was just the standard of her mother, mother-in-law and grandmother. But here she puts up with him. and everything seems to be fine. Everyone should be happy. No way again.
Alluring mother-in-law offer
It all started with the fact that someone was trying to get into her house, straightened the bars, and her Turk began to tell my husband that we must move to live with my mother. To which my husband said categorically not. And what if she wants, then let her sell the house and move closer to us. Soon it’s still winter and the Turk will have to give her money for diesel fuel, but apparently he also doesn’t want to do this, but then everything would have worked out fine if we had moved. Then he would say, here the son lives with you, even if he pays. This is due to the most important event.
In mid-August, our eldest son had a mini anniversary, he was 5 years old. The mother-in-law in her repertoire states that this is a round date and his birthday should be celebrated with her. I felt that it was not necessary, but again, my upbringing and respect did not allow me to resist, and we began preparations. My husband and I ordered a puppet theater, my husband called her and said that we would buy all the necessary products, to which she replied that he did not know how to choose, and she would buy everything herself. On Saturday, we arrived in the early morning, began to inflate balloons, set up tables. That is, we - this is loudly said by my husband and I, then he went to work, and I went with her to the market to buy groceries. I was immediately told you wear, I cry. (Sorry to tell you like this, I just want to get good advice, so I try not to miss anything).
When they returned, the mother-in-law went to dress up and preen. I began to set tables, cut vegetables, arrange everything, well, and the like. She named guests about 30 adults and 10 children. From our side there were only my parents and one married couple. The rest I saw for the first time in my life. In short, for the whole day I never even sat down, my mother-in-law just gave me orders, bring it here, bring it, then warm it up, then warm it up, etc. She herself changed 3 outfits in the evening, and she called me like a servant, tell my daughter-in-law, my daughter-in-law will take away, my daughter-in-law will take away. I was silent, in general I am always silent. I love my husband very much and therefore I am silent because I respect her at least for the fact that she gave birth to my husband, no, she did not raise him, she only gave birth to him. But for this I respect her, therefore I am silent.
When everyone started to disperse, I called out another friend of mine to help me wash the dishes. The dishes were dofigische, but there were not so many people already, her mother, our friends (married couple), my girlfriend, her Turks and his brother. Mom Zina went to make the children a bed. My friends and I agreed that now we will clean everything and go to them to watch their new sofa. Mom Zina heard me telling my girlfriend about this and started telling me in a drooping tone, and where are you going to.
The child’s birthday ended in scandal
My husband told her where, she still started looking at me, saying that it’s not right for you here, that you are going somewhere. I replied that we had been going to them for a long time and that, all the same, there was a nightie at home with a toothbrush, she started yelling, she had children here, and she was going somewhere. I turned around and went to collect the children. She screamed non-stop, at first she screamed at me “Who are you,” “There was a queen here,” “I have been putting up with you for 5 years,” “I have been plowing you for 5 years,” “She didn’t hit a finger in this house” and stuff like that. And that's all with the children. then her mother ran in and started yelling at me too, what did you do here.
I just said to her that I was generally silent, to which I heard that “That's it! You are always silent, but you hate us! ” I am writing this and crying, it’s so insulting to me and I can’t do anything about it, a month has passed already, but I just can’t calm down. To top it all, she screamed after that she had been dreaming for 5 years to express this to me with my girlfriends. The Turk seemed to be trying to calm her down, telling her that she was wrong, that she was calling you mom, to which she replied that I was nobody, etc.
My husband was silent, he says that if he had told her something, then all would have quarreled. In short, he did not intercede for me. Then at home, he told me that I was absolutely right, that he was proud of me, that I had not been seduced by this, and that I hadn’t responded to her, so that I would hold on, and the first did not call that his mother was wrong, and she should apologize. And we won’t take the older one to her (she doesn’t take the youngest herself).
After that, his grandmother called mine, started saying what kind of person I am, I go to night clubs, I leave my children that Zina’s mother organized the whole holiday, paid for the theater, and I’m an ungrateful pig .... My grandmother, too, was shocked, of course, and she began to tell me, oh look, so that they do not divorce you.
And then a month passed, on Thursday I flew on a business trip. The husband took the eldest son to her (although he said that we would not take her), he took him yesterday, he came all angry at me. I didn’t look like that, then I didn’t go that way, in short I became attached to everything. I had a feeling that they had twisted him there and he had already forgotten everything that he told me.
I do not know what to do. I do not want and cannot live like that. I’m not used to being with someone in conflict, it isn’t accepted in our family, we have never quarreled like that. I really love and respect my husband. I could have told her everything, but it seems to me that he would have left then, she’s his mother, already tried to think positively that maybe it’s for the best, that they quarreled, you can live peacefully, but no, now she’ll be my husband tune against me. Good people help! Tell me how to be in this situation.
” №2/2015 03.06.16
Few have a good relationship with the mother-in-law. Most daughters-in-law do not like their “second mothers”, and they don’t favor “daughters” too much. If you have conflicts with your mother-in-law, make a non-aggression pact at least for the duration of your pregnancy.
A good relationship with the mother-in-law is necessary for several reasons. Firstly, the baby perfectly feels the mood of the mother. If you get nervous, he starts to get nervous too. Secondly, now you need to surround yourself with positive emotions, and not get stuck in everyday scandals and squabbles. Again, good for mom - good for the baby. Thirdly, it is impossible to re-educate the mother-in-law, if only because of her age. And fourthly, both parties are guilty of any dispute. It is possible that you also add fuel to the fire. In general, it's time to cool down, calm down and conclude a temporary truce. And perhaps it will become permanent!
Method 1 to build a good relationship with the mother in law: stop blaming each other
Of course, it seems to you that in all your troubles, the mother-in-law is to blame - she always teaches something, sticks her nose out of her business, slams you at your son - they say, and you idiot, and you dumb, can’t cook and give birth get it wrong, and you bought diapers for the entire men's salary, although you can easily manage with diapers ... Indeed, some mother-in-law cling to every little thing, gladly noticing all the mistakes of the daughters-in-law. The situation is complicated by the common life and character traits of the “second mother”.
A major role is played by age-related changes. Many mother-in-law are in menopause. Hence, irritability, mood swings and even outbreaks of aggression. But will they not break down on their beloved son? Here the daughter-in-law also appears extreme.
However, be honest: and the daughter-in-law often behaves imperfectly: he dares, tries to establish his own order in the house, interferes with the communication of his son with his mother - the list of "sins" can be continued for a long time. Therefore, psychologists urge to end with recriminations - this is the way to nowhere. Each of you has your own reasons for resentment. When two women love one man, it is not surprising that jealousy, rivalry and the struggle for power inevitably arise between them.
But with mutual concessions and a desire to smooth out sharp corners, discontent can be minimized. Master the art of compromise: someday keep silent, someday, on the contrary, offer to discuss an acute situation (but without going over to a personality), someday put yourself in the shoes of your mother-in-law. And your relationship with the mother-in-law will change for the better.
Method 2 to build a good relationship with the mother-in-law: do not require too much
Many young women are offended by “second mothers” because they enthusiastically took the news of the imminent birth of a grandson or granddaughter. Of course, there are those mother-in-law who, having learned about the daughter-in-law’s pregnancy, surround her with maternal care: every day they are interested in well-being, buy the best fruits and vegetables on the market, and escorted to the antenatal clinic ... But there are not many of them.
Firstly, the mother-in-law is often afraid to seem too intrusive: “Young people need to know which carriage to buy - that I will intervene.”
Secondly, if she is a little over forty, the news of your pregnancy may frighten her ... “What a grandmother I am! I can still have a baby myself! ” Such a "granny" is unlikely to leave her beloved job and devote herself to her grandchildren - she lives a full life and is not going to slow down. It is ridiculous to be offended - she really is not psychologically ready to become a grandmother. In addition, you give birth to a baby not for the mother in law, but for yourself. Therefore, you need to rely primarily on yourself. Will help - thanks, will not - not scary. This is your child, her mother-in-law has already raised.
Thirdly, if you have not developed, to put it mildly, the warmest relations with your mother-in-law, why should she enjoy your pregnancy? In some cases, hostility can even increase: “The child will be registered in our apartment, then he will file for divorce and drive my son out.” If you want her to change her mind about you, start changing yourself. Ask for forgiveness if you really are to blame for something, and offer to start from scratch: “I want my child to grow up in a friendly family. He needs not only loving parents, but also grandparents. ” Such words will melt the heart of any mother-in-law.
Method 3 to establish a good relationship with the mother-in-law: follow the rules of the hostel
How do you communicate with colleagues, relatives, acquaintances? Surely polite, respectful, not allowing himself to let go of caustic remarks. Similarly, you need to stay with the mother-in-law. Even if you don’t like something.
And if some things irritate, for example, she enters your room without knocking or invites her son to wash his dirty shirts, let me know that you don’t like it: “Marya Ivanovna, could you knock next time? I'm not dressed ”or“ Thanks for the care, but we can handle it ourselves. ” If she is offended, then not for long. After all, it is impossible to find fault with your words: you are politeness itself. Moreover, deep down she understands your innocence.
Try to separate as much as possible: buy your own refrigerator or distribute shelves in the existing one (if the mother-in-law does not mind), cook for your family yourself, take turns cleaning the common areas - in the kitchen, toilet, corridor. Finances also in each family should be their own.
In general, if you live under the same roof and want to reduce the number of conflicts with the mother-in-law, you will have to adapt more than the mother-in-law. After all, the local rules were established for many years, and before you appeared, they were fine for everyone. But they don’t go to someone else’s monastery with their charter. Therefore, once again ask the mother-in-law for permission - is it possible to hang a towel here, here to put shoe boxes, there is a playpen and a stroller for a child ... Her husband’s mother is the main mistress in this house, whether you like it or not.
If you want your mother-in-law to make comments less often to you, be more cunning - consult her more often and ask for help. This will flatter her pride, and she will change her anger to mercy. Or ... save money for a separate apartment: separate accommodation, as a rule, "cures" even the most painful relationship with the mother-in-law.
Method 4 to build a good relationship with the mother-in-law: do nice things
According to psychologists, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law too often blame each other and too rarely thank each other. Hence the numerous conflicts between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. To avoid them, arrange "Thanksgiving"! Do not try to flatter, please - falseness is always felt. Say sincerely, from the heart: “Seryozha supported me like that when I was in conservation! Thank you for raising such a beautiful son! ” For any mother (and you will soon realize this) such words are the best compliment in the world. She will suddenly forget that you cook poorly, you hang an apron there and sleep until noon. Provide other signs of attention more often - buy her a ticket to the theater, praise a new hairstyle, appreciate the tomatoes that she grew with her own hands ... Do not give gifts on duty, but make her feel your care: a woolen blanket so that her feet do not freeze, a summer residence tool with a long handle, so as not to burden the back, a trolley bag, so as not to carry heavy loads ... She will be sincerely grateful to you.
And most importantly: when the mother-in-law understands that you treat her kindly, not trying to drive a wedge between her and her beloved son, she will begin to kindly relate to you. And then - and to your children. And this is the most important thing for a good family.
Do you know that…
- In Burma, the daughter-in-law is called a “sweating” woman, because she has to sweat a lot to please her husband’s mother.
- In some African tribes, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are seen only at major holidays, so as not to annoy each other once again.
- In the Solomon Islands, two women are prohibited from simultaneously being in the household of the house, all the more to do common work - in order to avoid “showdowns”.
- In China, there used to be a tradition ... to adopt a daughter-in-law in early childhood. The girl grew up in the family of her future husband, perceiving the mother-in-law as a mother and in all obeying her. In the same way, she behaved in adulthood. These days, of course, this is not practiced. Although in some places the echoes of the “tyranny” of the mother-in-law have been preserved. For example, if two families live together, before leaving the house, a young woman should take leave of her husband’s mother.
- In North Korea, the chosen one of the son must sew a silk outfit for his mother-in-law or buy an expensive gift. Without rich offerings, the mother of the groom will not give blessings for the wedding.
About the relationship of the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law they write jokes, sing songs and make films. Relations with mother-in-law is an eternal burning topic. Every day, people combine the bonds of a holy union and open up new facets of communication, and even the division of life with completely strangers. This is where the problems begin.
You never hear the phrases of a bad daughter-in-law, most often complaints are received by the mother-in-law.
That is why the whole future of the family depends on the young daughter-in-law. Many wives say that right after the wedding, the mother-in-law instructs her and does not understand. At an early stage in the development of relations, it is worth trying to make friends with her and establish relations. Often this method helps. Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
The daughter-in-law should understand for herself that the husband’s mother does not intend to fight her, just so she reacts to the fact that her young wife took her place in her son’s heart. Mom used to be the most important person for him, but now everything has changed. The daughter-in-law should not replace her mother, but take the wife's place in the life of her beloved man.
Do not complain about the mother-in-law often. Their relationship will not deteriorate, as a result of your behavior will badly affect relationships in the family. When relations with the mother-in-law will be established, the husband will necessarily admit how he was worried.
You must always remember that the mother-in-law is the mother for the spouse, whom he loves too. She raised him, raised him and this can not be changed.
Psychologists distinguish several types of mother-in-law
- Girlfriend If you have such a mother-in-law, then this is just luck. In this relationship, no one will command each other, she asks many advice from a young daughter-in-law, calls her, communicates. Unnecessary advice does not come from her, as she believes that young people will be able to deal with problems themselves. Such communication is peaceful and unobtrusive, therefore such relations are very friendly.
- Spy. Most often, this category includes a divorced woman who has indefatigable energy. She loves to dictate everyone her own rules, give everyone advice, poke her nose into someone else's life. Relations with such a person are not easy to build, they are often tense because of her desire to know all the information about you and subordinate to her control.
- Despot. This is a very scary mother-in-law. She is confident that the young family must fully and implicitly obey her. If the daughter-in-law does not comply with all orders. Therefore, the relationship between them will be very complex. Loud scandals will surely happen if the rights of the daughter-in-law are defended.
- Mother hen This type is characterized by a resentful woman who devoted all her time to her beloved son. Now she cannot reconcile with the fact that her son is an adult and independent man who builds his own life. You can make friends with such a mother-in-law. If you pay close attention to her husband and be tolerant of herself.
- Business lady. This type of mother-in-law will never sink to the control of her son's family. She is busy with her own affairs and believes that the most important thing is a career. Relations with the daughter-in-law will turn out just fine. If they still have common interests. Consequently, a great partnership will result.
- Husband wife. This mother-in-law will help the daughter-in-law in everything if she sees. So she really loves her son. Do not reject her help, well, you can not blame the burden of family problems on such a mother-in-law. So, she will admire her daughter-in-law, and enjoy a good relationship with her.
- Mother-in-law. This is a great option for a daughter-in-law. Such a woman would be wise in relation to her daughter-in-law. In this case, a good friendship with her husband’s sister will bring positive results and peace in the family for many years.
5 rules for communicating with her husband’s mother
It is worth saying a few simple human rules in communication between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The daughter-in-law always needs to be polite. It is definitely worth finding common ground, common interests.
- Go to a movie together, consult on the choice of dishes. It can be any pleasant little things. In the end, she will understand that you are not indifferent to her.
- Try to less often tell your husband about your problems with the mother-in-law. Solve small household problems yourself. A husband should never be faced with a choice, either mom or wife. The wife may not be the last, but the mother is one, therefore the choice will be obvious. Even if the relationship is cold, still sometimes find out how her health and affairs. In this position, the husband will see that you are in contact with her.
- It is worth looking for positive aspects even in the character of the most harmful mother-in-law. It is worth understanding that she is older, grew up in a different era and perhaps really can not understand the young. Give her presents, praise, and she will reciprocate.
- Keep neutral in the quarrels of the husband and mother in law. Do not take sides, try to understand the conflict and rightly suggest a denouement, be a peacemaker.
- Appeal to the mother-in-law also plays a significant role in the relationship. Calling her mother, the daughter-in-law subconsciously sets up the mother-in-law to treat herself as a daughter.
Most importantly, it is worth remembering that you both love the same man and this should unite everyone. The daughter-in-law can also become a mother-in-law, therefore do not forget about it.
Natalya Kaptsova
Reading time: 4 minutes
A a
Problems and lack of mutual understanding in relations between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law - the situation is more than common. Of course, there are no universal recipes for “friendship” between them — each situation needs its own methods.
- The best recipe for an ideal relationship with the mother in law - separate accommodation. Moreover, the further you go, the happier these relations will be. , and the daughter-in-law and her husband will constantly feel the pressure of the mother-in-law, which, of course, will not benefit the relations of the young family.
- Whatever the mother-in-law, if there is no way to distance, then it must be accepted with all its qualities and sides. And realize that the mother-in-law is not your rival. That is, do not try to “surpass” it and acknowledge (at least outwardly) its “primacy”.
- Uniting with someone against the mother-in-law (with her husband, with the mother-in-law, etc.) is initially pointless. In addition to breaking up relations in the end, it does not bode well.
- If you decide to talk with my mother-in-law "heart to heart", then with try to focus on her opinions and desires, do not allow aggressive tone and try together to find a way out of a problem situation.
- When living with your mother-in-law, remember that the kitchen is only its territory. Therefore, you shouldn’t change anything in the kitchen at your own discretion. But to maintain order, clean up after yourself - this is important. And, of course, the mother-in-law will be nice if you ask her for advice or a recipe for a dish.
- No matter how you want to complain about your husband-in-law’s husband, you can’t do this. Even as a joke. At a minimum, you will lose the respect of the mother-in-law.
- In a situation of cohabitation immediately discuss the rules of your little family with your mother-in-law. That is, for example, do not enter your room, do not take things, etc. Of course, you need to do this exclusively in a friendly tone.
- If you are looking for equality in your relationship with your mother-in-law, then don't try to treat her like a daughter to your mother. On the one hand, it is good when the mother-in-law loves her daughter-in-law, like a daughter. On the other hand, she will control her as her child. Choose you.
- The mother-in-law does not want to maintain normal relations? Is a scandal inevitable? And you, of course, are to blame for all possible sins? Do not react. Do not answer in the same toneDo not add oil to the fire. The flaming scandal will subside on its own.
- Do not forget that the mother-in-law is also a woman. And what woman does not melt from attention and gifts? No need to buy her respect for expensive things, but small tokens can significantly improve your relationship.
- Initially outline the boundaries in the relationship with the mother-in-law. She should immediately understand in which areas you will not tolerate her interference. For the rest, be patient and wise. Grunts unreasonably, swears? Think of something pleasant and pass her words by your ears.
- Find a way to do without the help of a mother in law, even when it is simply necessary. This also applies to childcare, and financial assistance, and domestic situations. A rare mother-in-law will be a "mother" in these matters. As a rule, then you will be reproached with the fact that she is engaged in your children, you live on her money, and in a house without her, cockroaches with snakes would have crawled at all.
- Solve any conflict with the mother in law with her husband. Do not rush into the embrasure alone. And even more so - do not do this in the absence of a husband. Then he will be informed about the conflict, taking into account the opinion of the mother-in-law, and you will not be presented in the best light in this “report”. If the husband stubbornly refuses to "get involved in these womanish affairs," this is an occasion for a serious conversation with him, and not with his mother-in-law. Read: It is clear that no one wants to choose the side of mother or wife in the conflict, but if your small family is dear to him, he will do everything to eliminate these conflicts. For example, talk to mom or find a separate accommodation option.
Unfortunately, relations with my mother-in-law did not work out. ” Too often you have to hear this phrase from women. And immediately the question arises: did you “add up” these relations? Indeed, most often your mother-in-law lacks what you could not find in your soul - if not love, then at least respect, kindness, understanding. Of course, mother-in-law can be different: smart and stupid, tolerant and absurd, eternal housewives and modern business women. But all of them need sympathy, friendly attitude and attention. Do not forget that everyone wants their services to be recognized, and thanked for their efforts.
JOKE:
The daughter-in-law washes the floors.
Mom, right?
No not like this.
Washed again.
Mom, right?
No not like this.
Washed again.
Everything repeated.
I don’t know how, but not so ...
Mother-in-law are different
Lose the championship
The main feeling that you should penetrate to the mother-in-law is gratitude. Gratitude for the most precious thing in her life - for her son. She gave birth to him, raised him and for many years believed that he belonged first to her and only then to everyone else. And so you appear and claim rights to her treasure. You take a life partner not only with its good qualities, but also with shortcomings, including with all its relatives. Accept the mother-in-law for who she is. Indulge in her if she proves by her behavior that she is better than you. Recognize her superiority in what is especially important to her. Who says you should be better than her in order for your husband to continue to love you? Anyway, he loves you differently. She is not your opponent and will never take your place. And even if your spouse compares you with your mother in the ability to cook or spend money, then these are trifles in comparison with the feeling that you are connected with your husband.
Peacekeeper role
It is dangerous to support a husband in a war against his own mother, even if it’s a trivial war. And equally, it is impossible to form a kind of female coalition by connecting to the educational process of one’s own husband. It’s not a fact that you will get a faithful girlfriend in the person of your mother-in-law, but you will surely ruin your relationship with your husband. Your role can only be peacekeeping - mitigate the situation and smooth out sharp corners.
Special relationship
Do not be a reflection of the relationship that has developed between the husband and his mother. If their relationship is particularly tender, you will “fall short” of them and, as a result, always lose against their background. If the relationship is tense, then get a ready conflict in which you are innocent. In any case, it is worthwhile to conclude a contract with the mother-in-law. Of course, this will not look like "now let's agree on how we will live." But it’s very useful to gently discuss some points in advance, and at the same time ask how she would like you to call her. Oddly enough, this is important. Sometimes “wrong” treatment becomes the beginning of a mutual confrontation.
Magic word
Do not fall into the pompous style: “I have one mother!” - on the proposal to call the mother-in-law mom. Such a desire can be a tribute to the traditions of the family, and not for you to change them, but maybe dictated by the unrealized desire to have another child or just a girl. Do not forget - when a woman hears "mother", she instills an instinct to love, protect and forgive everything, it is not so bad. You may be asked to call the mother-in-law by name and patronymic. This indicates a certain distance and that there will be less interference in your life. A young mother-in-law may want to be called by name — you have a better chance of making friends.
The right approach
If you live separately from your mother-in-law, then building a good relationship with her is quite realistic. But if you have to live with the mother-in-law under one roof and share the kitchen with her, then there can be no collision. To at least somehow mitigate the impending scandal, study the disposition: where and what costs, where to hang a towel, and strictly follow the rules here. They have been installed for decades, maybe they have a reasonable grain. If you want to cook something, you can tell the mother-in-law that you see how she gets tired and want to help her, so today she is exempted from cooking dinner. If something is not going well with you, do not wait until you are taught. Better to ask.
Myths and Reality
The first myth: many believe that a mother is jealous of her son for her daughter-in-law. Maybe there are some, but there are only a few of them. The second myth: in all quarrels, the mother-in-law is the instigator. In fact, many mother-in-law do everything in order not to quarrel with their daughter-in-law. Firstly, they live by the principle: if they feel good, I feel even better. Secondly, they want to stuff cones - let them stuff. Thirdly, when a conflict is brewing between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, they must pause and ponder the situation. And if they express their complaints to the daughter-in-law, they try to do it tactfully. In a word, being a mother-in-law is no easier than a daughter-in-law. Remember this.
5 important rules in dealing with a mother-in-law
FIRST: Keep your distance!
And not only from the mother-in-law and mother-in-law, but also from my own mom and dad, as if showing my husband an example of the correct attitude to relatives. Communicate respectfully, help each other. But the boundaries of his mini-states guard vigilantly. Do not involve relatives in your personal relationship with your husband. Even if you get along with your mother-in-law, be sure to leave one and a half meters for your personal zone. Calls such as: “And yours (mind you,“ yours! ”) Seryozha did not come to sleep today!” It’s worth making a mother-in-law a “vest to which you can cry” about the failures in your married life, and your family hearth will be destroyed. To discuss with her mother the shortcomings of her son (even if she herself calls you into this conversation) is at least unconstructive. With mother-in-law it is necessary and possible to negotiate. If only because, despite all its shortcomings, she has one indisputable advantage - she is the mother of your chosen one.
SECOND: Do not stuff into friends or daughters
There is an opinion that a good daughter-in-law should at all costs seek the location of her mother-in-law. Forget it. When communicating with the mother-in-law, conflicts are possible. Do not pretend to be a child, otherwise you will be treated accordingly. Communicate with your mother-in-law on an equal footing. Will she be offended? Let offended. Get used to it. Be yourself and do not try to specifically please the mother-in-law. Any relationship with the mother-in-law needs to be built honestly and openly.
THIRD: Avoid the showdown
The style of relations is significantly affected by the level of education. What to do if you got an old-mode scandalous aunt as a relative? With a whole set of screams, scandals and insults. With all its categorical mother-in-law, a truth that fits into two words: “I am a mother!” With all lamentations about how she gave birth in agony, she changed diapers, and you came to all the best! .. What should I do? But nothing. It is useless to prove something and appeal to the mind. In this case, the main thing is not to succumb to provocations and not to engage in senseless military operations, especially with the involvement of a spouse. Fold your banners and withdraw troops. There will be no winners in such fights.
FOUR: Give presents
Like any woman, mother-in-law will like small signs of attention. Even if your relationship is still far from ideal, there is hope to correct it with a good attitude and a sincere desire to do something pleasant for a woman.
FIFTH: Do Not Blame
It is more expedient and humane to proceed from the presumption of innocence. Seeing that the mother-in-law is doing something wrong or saying something wrong, it is better to close her eyes, count to forty and mentally say: “Not guilty! .. She was born at a completely different time, in a completely different family. She has very different habits and different tastes. She was taught differently, she was used to a completely different life. She really is not to blame for anything! And she is not my enemy at all. I will no longer expect a dirty trick from her, but rather smile and say that she is smart, kind and understanding. And very soon we will both find that the way it is. ”
5 typical misconceptions
1 "My mom is better"
Young settled with his wife's parents. It’s more convenient for her, but her husband is not all right. Almost never happens at home: it either lingers at work, then meets friends. Yes, and communication with the mother-in-law leave a heavy residue on the soul. She calls only to make another complaint. Mother is sure that the daughter-in-law does not value her son and does not love him, and they should get a divorce.
A COMMENT A married couple should not live in the wife's family. This significantly lowers the status of the husband. He will try to raise him. Well, if this manifests itself in the pursuit of a career and high earnings. But often he seeks recognition of his merits from friends, from a bottle or from another woman. The mother-in-law is not in vain worried.
2 “I will help her in everything”
Young live with the husband’s parents, but the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law can’t get along with each other, although the daughter-in-law tries to actively participate in household chores. The mother-in-law is jealous of her household and wants the house to go as usual. And the daughter-in-law does everything "wrong." Kitchen squabbles grow into real scandals.
