Explains a lot. Friday issues Malka Lorenz
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Title: Much explains. Friday issues
About the book “Much explains. Friday Questions »Malka Lorenz
Malka Lorenz is a TOP blogger. Her rubric “Friday Questions” is beloved and always provokes a stormy response among readers. Her words are a cure for some and a kick for others. But the readers of Malki are united by one thing - sincere gratitude in understanding and resolving the vicissitudes of life. This is a lightning perception of your situation from a completely different, completely unexpected angle.
Impeccably selected images, a keen sense of humor and an incredible feminine flair hit right on target - an existing problem.
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© Malka Lorenz, 2017
© Publishing house AST, 2017
Part 1
Education of feelings
I’m 32 years old, my partner is 39, I’ve known 5.5 years, we have been living together for a little more than 5 years (we rent his apartment, we live in a rented apartment), there are no children (we are trying to plan their appearance in the future), the budget is common, everything suits me, except for the lack of a stamp in passport. She voiced the problem, received an answer from the series “why is this necessary”. I don’t want to leave (where I have it), I like it, I’m happy with the relationship, a good person, but I’m offended by the lack of official status, and after voicing the problem, even if I suddenly propose, I won’t go out of pride. Confused)) Question: do not be tormented by this issue and live as I live, the best enemy of the good, a penniless problem is not worth it or is there another way to look? Which one?
A penny is not worth a stamp in a passport, and the problem is just quite a penny.
A person does not give you what is necessary and important for you. You ask him - but he does not. This is the problem, not the stamp.
If you asked him, say, a piano, and he would answer "why is this necessary," what would you say about this situation? Correctly. So I would say the same thing.
I’m 27 (but somehow I feel that it’s a lot), I’m beautiful and successful, I have a great job and a lot of friends.
I have no problems with the attention of men, or rather, it is more than enough, but now (and I always did) I choose the man with whom I want to connect my future destiny - to have a family and children.
I had experience of previous relationships with men who could not or did not want to meet my expectations (and they are not so excessive - so that he would be support and support and make my eyes glow, so that I would always feel loved with him).
The very first love simply did not reach all this; he did not want or could not; the second at some point decided to deceive, and then also turned out to be a moral sadist, showed the wrong side of his personality; the third is generally a misunderstanding, well, so in a nutshell.
So parents raised, or it is so necessary that I am always looking for the only man, and I do not need another.
But then this happened: I fell in love with my husband’s husband, who seemed to me the ideal of her husband, and the family itself seemed perfect.
I didn’t fall in love immediately, I always liked him, but I didn’t represent us together.
Then some events happened, he admitted to me his feelings, we slept (although for me it is nonsense, this is the first time I have changed my principles), and from that moment the horror began.
It became clear to me that this is my ideal man, the one with whom I can start a family and be happy.
We have amazing sex, it’s very interesting with him, and he loves me very much. But ... married, and he has children.
And then the stop turns on. Not only that, I am subjected to moral terror from all sides, especially from my mother’s side, because it’s unacceptable, that I’m ruining my family and that I’m not building happiness on someone else’s grief, etc.
etc.
I myself am tormented by doubts, coming up with my own reasons why we cannot be happy.
Moreover, he loves, and I see that he loves, and he does everything so that I can see that he is in love without memory.
And he asks to marry him, offered his hand and heart. And I make sure that I push him away endlessly. I speak and do things unpleasant to him.
All the time I tell him that we must part, that we have no future.
Now it has come to the point that I decided to move to another city, so as not to see it, not to feel this terrible moral pressure from relatives, and from friends, and from himself.
This is not easy for me, because here is an ideal job and many friends and parents, but I do not see any other way. Now I think that I will not leave forever, but for a few months to try to break away from all this and relax.
He always tells me that he loves, gives flowers and gifts and wants us to be together. And I tell him that we are not a couple, that I am a free woman, and he is married and it would be better for him to leave me alone.
I’m morally completely devastated and I don’t know what to do, but I only say “no” to him.
We left a couple of times for several days in another city, and it was magical.
We were together all the time, did not think about anything, there was only love, he and I, and it was so incredibly good that it is not clear how it could be at all.
But after returning, doubts and apathy and anxiety piled up again. We tried not to communicate, I blocked all his contacts. But all the time it breaks me.
Moreover, I am able to not call or write to him, but he is constantly looking for a meeting with me and finds it.
And when he is near, I feel so good that I can’t think of anything bad and I can’t push them away. But he cannot be around all the time.
More precisely, maybe if we are together, but I cannot allow this - he has a wife and children.
He doesn’t live with them now, he is going to get a divorce, but he is a good family man (or I thought so before), he thinks about children and takes care of them.
And I’m selfish and I definitely won’t be able to tolerate the fact that he will be torn between families.
He says that he will not be torn, and taking care of children is different, but I’m not sure that I will perceive this.
No man leaves his family for fun or boredom. These are the aunts in the family who are bent from longing, and the peasants are normal. If a man leaves the family, it means he is really ill there. Not in the sense of bad that the fun is not enough, but in the sense of really bad.
It’s good for him personally with you or he’s good everywhere, if only not at home, I don’t know this, you better know that.
But his wife is not your concern anyway.
Even if he didn’t get divorced and you continued to love each other like that - his wife would not be your concern. It could be the maximum of your problem, and that is optional.
Everything is so successful for you that I don’t really understand what you are worried about.
Caring for children - yes, sometimes it takes bizarre forms. But this is, firstly, a matter of temperament. And secondly, until he puts his children on your head, this is completely portable. If, for example, he had juvenile siblings, and he took care of them, would you bear it? And some, estimate, in shelters volunteer. This is not a reason for jealousy.
If he has enough money for such a life, then I do not see a problem here.
Scary words
Love is a terrible word, it is a signal that life is over, and work has begun, and the work is hard labor.
As soon as it occurred to you that here it is, the main thing for which you have to lie with your bones, that this is your real life - at that very moment you stop living and start pushing this trolley.
Firstly, since it is important, it should not be horrible, it should be at least photogenic. You lick this picture until it fits into your standards. If this unfortunate little stature - you switch to sports shoes; if he is a poor goon or a thinker not of this world - you yourself buy him a decent shirt; if he does not understand humor - admire his biceps; and if he has a belly, then let him not crawl out of his “land cruiser” at all - in him he is dazzling. When something becomes important, it is necessary to take photos to the state of the photo on classmates, and it takes a lot of effort.
To lose the main thing is to lose everything. One careless step can ruin this whole fairy tale, and you begin to control yourself, as a radio operator Kat. You do not breathe, do not sneeze and do not fart - you create an image, henceforth your whole life is a message. You never call yourself, do not say too much, gently smile and look into the distance, and all this adds up to the main message - "Do not be afraid of me, I will not be a burden to you." When a loved one breaks offensive nonsense or commits exorbitant abominations, you are silent and look with understanding, and this should signal "do not be afraid of me, there will be no tantrums, it’s good with me." If you suddenly have fun, you don’t have fun, you don’t have time for this - you play the performance “it’s fun with me, and in general I’m fucked up”. And when you say “half a centimeter to the left”, it means not half a centimeter to the left, but what a light and advanced I am in sex. You haven’t felt anything for a long time, you have no time to feel, you are fighting for your happiness, you are pushing this trolley knee-deep in the sand, because you have love and most importantly, you cannot close your eyes, you cannot give yourself away, because if you relax for a moment - everyone will see how bad you are, and then everything will end.
But when it’s not love and not the main thing, you don’t wear these chains. You don’t need to improve anyone, you absolutely don’t suffer from the fact that he doesn’t have such socks, and if he smacks of rubbish, you calmly say to him: “Well, what the hell are you talking about?” If a loved one behaves like an asshole, you don’t make a smart face, but you say bluntly - darling, you are an asshole. If you want to tell him something, you tell him without fear of disagreement with him, and if you have fun, you are not afraid to be ridiculous. And if you ask for half a centimeter to the left, then this means that you need half a centimeter to the left, and that means nothing more. And you call yourself when you want, because you do not need to be proud and self-sufficient, since this is not the main thing, and let everyone see how bad you are, you do not care.
And when you live a little like this, it suddenly turns out that you are not bad at all. You, it turns out, are not ridiculous and intrusive, but kind, funny and touching, as touching is anyone who renounces power, who simply goes to heat, without laying any hope on him and not calling him all sorts of scary words.
A year ago, I met a man with whom we had a great relationship - in general, a very sweet romance. He took our relationship very seriously, heaped with gifts, courted, flowers, made friends with my daughter, everything else. He has something with self-esteem, and, in my opinion, it seemed to him that he was kind of miserable, and I was a star. I strongly disagree with this, but oh well. Not in this case. After several months of relations, things went so that I had to leave him: it was not my whim, I did not exchange him for anyone, but I had very good reason to believe that I would be disappointed with the continuation of the relationship. I talked with him and explained everything to him, but we had a trip planned and paid for (at his expense), and I did not cancel it. We rested, and we had sex, because I understood that he had started everything for this, and did not want to upset him even more. After this incident, we had sex several times, because I felt sorry for him. He is very vulnerable, cries all the time, complains of pain in his left hand, says that he wants to jump out the window, and I am very worried, because as a person he is very nice to me. He is very cute, such a Khobotov, and offending such a person is like stealing a child. At the same time, I am not ready to sacrifice my plans and interests for his sake, because I am also a person, and I'm tired of giving in to everyone. I met another man, but the previous one continues to send me flowers, gifts for me and for my daughter. He writes me all the messengers, behaves as if nothing had happened, as if we have a connection. Quietly waiting for future meetings, although it is clear that I do not want to meet with him. I always tell him that, they say, I don’t have to give anything, that everything is expensive, that I don’t deserve it, but I am scared to speak with him firmly and talk about the new man. On the one hand, I am wildly afraid of conflicts, on the other, I really like him as a person and I don’t want him to be sad. At the same time, I understand that the situation is no longer even in a dead end, but in some kind of hell. And these flowers with gifts for me are like a scarf for a Bulgakov’s servant who strangled a child. Everyone accuses me of being greedy and twisting his brains for gifts and flowers, but I can’t see these flowers anymore. I feel like the last bitch, I am ashamed of everyone, all the time I mentally scroll through this situation to understand where I am to blame, but still maintain correspondence with him to keep him in a normal mood. Sometimes I want to block him and run away everywhere, but I feel responsible for his morale and cannot decide on it. Yes, I know that everyone doesn’t feel good))) But I am responsible for the situation that has developed, and I want to resolve it somehow normally.
Do you know what I thought? Here is this alignment: it is pathetic, and you are a star - you continue to support it and continue to twist it.
Imagine for a moment another scenario: you are a star and he is a star. Or even better - you are a star, and he is a man. Well, in the sense of man-man, well, you understand.
Would you accept gifts so as not to injure him? Would you say that everything is expensive and you do not deserve it? You wouldn’t remember such words.
You, with your mercy, continue to transmit to him that he is miserable, and he becomes even more sorry for this.
Do you know why? Because he already sensed that this position has its advantages.
Try to treat him like a man, not like a sick puppy. Of course, you will take away the buns from him, but in return you will give a sensation that, perhaps, will change his whole life.
The man is happy to give all the buns of the world for being considered a man and treated like a man.
I am a lost person. I am 30 years old, there is no family and is not planned, with children it is similar. Five years ago, divorced her drinking spouse, almost escaped. After that there were still attempts to build a serious relationship and a joint life, but "the poet’s soul could not stand it." A year ago, broke up with her good boy and since then I live alone. The thought of starting these damn things again, damn them, a serious relationship, begins to get nauseous; at the thought of letting someone into his hole again and living with him, he openly wants to puke. I don’t want enough. I don’t want to love either. Falling in love is a beautiful, bright feeling that inspires and gives strength, but here is love ... Well, to hell with it, in short. Therefore, I only have lovers. I need very little from men, that's serious. I do not need financial assistance; I do not need moral support. I like flirting, friendship, sex, love. I work remotely, travel, play sports. Seals are already there. In short, I am a strong, independent woman. I have a positive attitude towards children, but I don’t want to have mine (for now? In general? But xs). The bottom line is that I once swallowed freedom, and then allowed myself to live the way I want. It seems that I have every chance of NOT having a family or children at all. This does not scare me, I feel good. For once, I’m really good, and everything is going as it should. I just want to ask you, as an older and wiser person: do you think I will regret it? There is a stereotypical opinion about lonely old age and bitter regrets that there is no family. What do you think about it?
You know, this topic of the family has bothered me already.
There is no family.
There are people who love each other. And there are people who for some reason crammed everyone into one cell.
The fact that both are indicated by the same word simply offends me.
And about lonely old age I’ll tell you this. Lonely old age is when a stranger who is uninteresting and unpleasant to you constantly pushes around, does not give a moment of rest, and there is no one to rescue you from this concentration camp. This is called lonely old age.
And when nobody unpleasantly pushes around, it’s not a lonely old age. This is just old age without love.
How to communicate with emotional people?
For example, my husband. He is a wonderful person, but his emotions always run ahead of the mind. If, for example, the kettle does not turn on, then the husband will first find out for a long time which villain broke the device, then he will begin to be sad about how much he wanted tea, then he is worried about the hardships of the repair and only after that he will check if the kettle is plugged in. Imagine what happens in more complex situations.
It is still almost impossible to find out his opinion about anything. Because when he is in the spirit, then everything is fine, he likes everything, but if he had said otherwise, then he blurted out in haste. And when he is in a bad mood, then everything is bad and hopeless, and if he said otherwise, then he just takes care of my feelings. And all this is constantly changing back and forth.
Even crazy people have their own logic, and if you remember that a person receives signals from space, then it is quite possible to communicate with him. Emotional people are unpredictable, illogical and touchy. I need some kind of algorithm for communicating with them.
You will excuse me, but what you are saying has nothing to do with emotionality and is described by the simple words “idiocy” and “irresponsibility”.
Have you tried to beat? Usually helps.
How did you determine whether a man was fit for a relationship?
If not to talk about love, tomatoes and other romantik.
Being unmarried, I never thought of such nonsense. Some kind of relationship, Lord. Like and okay. Oh, Chota is somehow unpleasant. Oh, Chota is somehow completely unpleasant! Oh, it seems it's over already. Darn. That's about something like this I determined the suitability of a man, being unmarried.
But, being married, I already somehow became interested in this issue. Marriage generally promotes spiritual growth, you know. Now I can say that the suitability of a man for a relationship is not a question for me at all. For me, this can be said to be an open book. It doesn’t look like a husband - therefore, it suits.
But seriously, there are three things that I look at. With a man should not be scary, not ashamed and not bored.
It seemed to me for a very long time that everything was determined by the first point, and the other two seemed to complement it, as if ornamental. It turned out - nothing like that. All three points are equally important, if one support is not enough, the whole structure falls to one side.
Twinkle in the night
In the spring, a woman usually seeks out the beautiful, and a married woman seeks out the beautiful all year round, because this is impossible. By beautiful, she means love, and not alloy wheels, like me.
If a woman has a high nature and fine mental organization, she dreams of an unmarried peer who will rescue her from this rotten meat. A woman who is simpler than unmarried peers fears, and not without reason.
If a man was not married by the age of 35–40, he can no longer be bitten by anyone. What mother did there with him in childhood, we will never know, but he is definitely not suitable for food. If he recently divorced, it means that he literally didn’t give a damn to his soul the other day, and he will wipe you up for a long time and with pleasure. If he divorced a long time and at the same time is still in search, it means that he preferred the quantity to quality and will not turn off this path in the coming years, you are tormented to treat a tripper. In addition, unmarried men in this age group are generally tragically few, and tragically many married, who, however, are no worse and with whom one can dream of deliverance with approximately the same result.
There is a legend about husbands who can cut the chain and strive for new happiness, despising danger. This myth is spread by abandoned wives, and he misled many, and in vain. I personally know one and a half dozen abandoned wives and not a single husband whom a new passion would lure out of the family. This bias in statistics has always worried me somehow.
Therefore, a woman simply does not count on deliverance, but she wants an island of joy, a ray of light and, I am not afraid of this word, a spark in the night of her hopeless life. A married man, half-strangled by dachas, grandmothers and beds, who, as a rule, does not have a single corner in his own house (married men are somehow able to settle down this way), crazy about longing and hopelessness, falls in love with the same purpose. He also wants a little light in the night and another guiding light, and to live and enjoy it with such a coincidence of aspirations, but it immediately becomes clear that the light in the night has a completely different configuration for these two sufferers.
After the first sex, the second sex and the control one are opticalized, when the adultery entered, so to speak, in the shores - a lucky person admitted to the heart stops vibrating, starts calling less often, neglects agreements, does fine without a bunk and sometimes even yawns. The lyrical heroine is terribly offended by such a change of fate, she begins to reflect on deceived hopes, and if she is from the village, then her conclusions begin with the words "he got his way, scoundrel." It seems to her that they trampled on her female pride, while she, on the contrary, was exalted on a pedestal.
For a man, screaming, running around, and passion-muzzle is not what he aspires to. He has this good at home. He wants to be at home, but without any fumes and to stroke. And the rest so that at home - calmly, reliably and once a week to snuggle your soul, and if a man offers his girlfriend such a regimen - this is a very serious request. This means that he intends to be with her for a long time, he built her into his life, she deserves to be his quiet backwater.
The problem is that his girlfriend imagines an island of happiness in a completely different way. She doesn’t need to be at home, just curly-haired and not to champ. Calmly and reliably once a week - from this she does not even know where to go at home, provided, of course, that they do not beat her at home. She wants extravaganza and frenzy. A woman spending her days throat-deep in a swamp does not see a big difference between a swamp and a quiet backwater, she reaches out to her deliverer in the hope that, according to him, fountains will clog in the swamp, not to say geysers, all in one at sunset rays.
I’m 32 years old, my partner is 39, I’ve known 5.5 years, we have been living together for a little more than 5 years (we rent his apartment, we live in a rented apartment), there are no children (we are trying to plan their appearance in the future), the budget is common, everything suits me, except for the lack of a stamp in passport. She voiced the problem, received an answer from the series “why is this necessary”. I don’t want to leave (where I have it), I like it, I’m happy with the relationship, a good person, but I’m offended by the lack of official status, and after voicing the problem, even if I suddenly propose, I won’t go out of pride. Confused)) Question: do not be tormented by this issue and live as I live, the best enemy of the good, a penniless problem is not worth it or is there another way to look? Which one?
A penny is not worth a stamp in a passport, and the problem is just quite a penny.
A person does not give you what is necessary and important for you. You ask him - but he does not. This is the problem, not the stamp.
If you asked him, say, a piano, and he would answer "why is this necessary," what would you say about this situation? Correctly. So I would say the same thing.
I’m 27 (but somehow I feel that it’s a lot), I’m beautiful and successful, I have a great job and a lot of friends.
I have no problems with the attention of men, or rather, it is more than enough, but now (and I always did) I choose the man with whom I want to connect my future destiny - to have a family and children.
I had experience of previous relationships with men who could not or did not want to meet my expectations (and they are not so excessive - so that he would be support and support and make my eyes glow, so that I would always feel loved with him).
The very first love simply did not reach all this; he did not want or could not; the second at some point decided to deceive, and then also turned out to be a moral sadist, showed the wrong side of his personality; the third is generally a misunderstanding, well, so in a nutshell.
So parents raised, or it is so necessary that I am always looking for the only man, and I do not need another.
But then this happened: I fell in love with my husband’s husband, who seemed to me the ideal of her husband, and the family itself seemed perfect.
I didn’t fall in love immediately, I always liked him, but I didn’t represent us together.
Then some events happened, he admitted to me his feelings, we slept (although for me it is nonsense, this is the first time I have changed my principles), and from that moment the horror began.
It became clear to me that this is my ideal man, the one with whom I can start a family and be happy.
We have amazing sex, it’s very interesting with him, and he loves me very much. But ... married, and he has children.
And then the stop turns on. Not only that, I am subjected to moral terror from all sides, especially from my mother’s side, because it’s unacceptable, that I’m ruining my family and that I’m not building happiness on someone else’s grief, etc.
I myself am tormented by doubts, coming up with my own reasons why we cannot be happy.
Moreover, he loves, and I see that he loves, and he does everything so that I can see that he is in love without memory.
And he asks to marry him, offered his hand and heart. And I make sure that I push him away endlessly. I speak and do things unpleasant to him.
All the time I tell him that we must part, that we have no future.
Now it has come to the point that I decided to move to another city, so as not to see it, not to feel this terrible moral pressure from relatives, and from friends, and from himself.
This is not easy for me, because here is an ideal job and many friends and parents, but I do not see any other way. Now I think that I will not leave forever, but for a few months to try to break away from all this and relax.
He always tells me that he loves, gives flowers and gifts and wants us to be together. And I tell him that we are not a couple, that I am a free woman, and he is married and it would be better for him to leave me alone.
I’m morally completely devastated and I don’t know what to do, but I only say “no” to him.
We left a couple of times for several days in another city, and it was magical.
We were together all the time, did not think about anything, there was only love, he and I, and it was so incredibly good that it is not clear how it could be at all.
But after returning, doubts and apathy and anxiety piled up again. We tried not to communicate, I blocked all his contacts. But all the time it breaks me.
Moreover, I am able to not call or write to him, but he is constantly looking for a meeting with me and finds it.
And when he is near, I feel so good that I can’t think of anything bad and I can’t push them away. But he cannot be around all the time.
More precisely, maybe if we are together, but I cannot allow this - he has a wife and children.
He doesn’t live with them now, he is going to get a divorce, but he is a good family man (or I thought so before), he thinks about children and takes care of them.
And I’m selfish and I definitely won’t be able to tolerate the fact that he will be torn between families.
He says that he will not be torn, and taking care of children is different, but I’m not sure that I will perceive this.
No man leaves his family for fun or boredom. These are the aunts in the family who are bent from longing, and the peasants are normal. If a man leaves the family, it means he is really ill there. Not in the sense of bad that the fun is not enough, but in the sense of really bad.
It’s good for him personally with you or he’s good everywhere, if only not at home, I don’t know this, you better know that.
But his wife is not your concern anyway.
Even if he didn’t get divorced and you continued to love each other like that - his wife would not be your concern. It could be the maximum of your problem, and that is optional.
Everything is so successful for you that I don’t really understand what you are worried about.
Caring for children - yes, sometimes it takes bizarre forms. But this is, firstly, a matter of temperament. And secondly, until he puts his children on your head, this is completely portable. If, for example, he had juvenile siblings, and he took care of them, would you bear it? And some, estimate, in shelters volunteer. This is not a reason for jealousy.
If he has enough money for such a life, then I do not see a problem here.
Scary words
Love is a terrible word, it is a signal that life is over, and work has begun, and the work is hard labor.
As soon as it occurred to you that here it is, the main thing for which you have to lie with your bones, that this is your real life - at that very moment you stop living and start pushing this trolley.
Firstly, since it is important, it should not be horrible, it should be at least photogenic. You lick this picture until it fits into your standards. If this unfortunate little stature - you switch to sports shoes; if he is a poor goon or a thinker not of this world - you yourself buy him a decent shirt; if he does not understand humor - admire his biceps; and if he has a belly, then let him not crawl out of his “land cruiser” at all - in him he is dazzling. When something becomes important, it is necessary to take photos to the state of the photo on classmates, and it takes a lot of effort.
To lose the main thing is to lose everything. One careless step can ruin this whole fairy tale, and you begin to control yourself, as a radio operator Kat. You do not breathe, do not sneeze and do not fart - you create an image, henceforth your whole life is a message. You never call yourself, do not say too much, gently smile and look into the distance, and all this adds up to the main message - "Do not be afraid of me, I will not be a burden to you." When a loved one breaks offensive nonsense or commits exorbitant abominations, you are silent and look with understanding, and this should signal "do not be afraid of me, there will be no tantrums, it’s good with me." If you suddenly have fun, you don’t have fun, you don’t have time for this - you play the performance “it’s fun with me, and in general I’m fucked up”. And when you say “half a centimeter to the left”, it means not half a centimeter to the left, but what a light and advanced I am in sex. You haven’t felt anything for a long time, you have no time to feel, you are fighting for your happiness, you are pushing this trolley knee-deep in the sand, because you have love and most importantly, you cannot close your eyes, you cannot give yourself away, because if you relax for a moment - everyone will see how bad you are, and then everything will end.
I recommend becausesmartly, with humor, life-affirming.
Would you subscribe directly to each answer? No, people are all different and opinions are different. However, the high content of excellent and even brilliant formulations as a result of the effect has, one might say, enlightening))
Malki Lorenz's blog is known and loved by many thanks to the Friday Issues section.
In 2016, a book was published in AST Friday Questions with the best heading materials.
Description from the publisher: "Filled with vivid images, witty and always unexpected answers, Malki can not leave indifferent and attract thousands of readers on the Web."
Second book - "Explains a lot. Friday issues." - Released in 2017.
Description from the publisher: "Malka Lorenz - TOP blogger. Her section"Friday issues "beloved and always provokes a stormy response among readers. Her words are a cure for some and a kick for others. But Malki's readers are united by one thing - sincere gratitude in understanding and resolving life's ups and downs. This is a lightning perception of her situation from a completely different, completely unexpected perspective.
Impeccably selected images, a keen sense of humor and an incredible feminine flair hit right in
© Malka Lorenz, 2017
© Publishing house AST, 2017
Part 1
Education of feelings
I’m 32 years old, my partner is 39, I’ve known 5.5 years, we have been living together for a little more than 5 years (we rent his apartment, we live in a rented apartment), there are no children (we are trying to plan their appearance in the future), the budget is common, everything suits me, except for the lack of a stamp in passport. She voiced the problem, received an answer from the series “why is this necessary”. I don’t want to leave (where I have it), I like it, I’m happy with the relationship, a good person, but I’m offended by the lack of official status, and after voicing the problem, even if I suddenly propose, I won’t go out of pride. Confused)) Question: do not be tormented by this issue and live as I live, the best enemy of the good, a penniless problem is not worth it or is there another way to look? Which one?
A penny is not worth a stamp in a passport, and the problem is just quite a penny.
A person does not give you what is necessary and important for you. You ask him - but he does not. This is the problem, not the stamp.
If you asked him, say, a piano, and he would answer "why is this necessary," what would you say about this situation? Correctly. So I would say the same thing.
I’m 27 (but somehow I feel that it’s a lot), I’m beautiful and successful, I have a great job and a lot of friends.
I have no problems with the attention of men, or rather, it is more than enough, but now (and I always did) I choose the man with whom I want to connect my future destiny - to have a family and children.
I had experience of previous relationships with men who could not or did not want to meet my expectations (and they are not so excessive - so that he would be support and support and make my eyes glow, so that I would always feel loved with him).
The very first love simply did not reach all this; he did not want or could not; the second at some point decided to deceive, and then also turned out to be a moral sadist, showed the wrong side of his personality; the third is generally a misunderstanding, well, so in a nutshell.
So parents raised, or it is so necessary that I am always looking for the only man, and I do not need another.
But then this happened: I fell in love with my husband’s husband, who seemed to me the ideal of her husband, and the family itself seemed perfect.
I didn’t fall in love immediately, I always liked him, but I didn’t represent us together.
Then some events happened, he admitted to me his feelings, we slept (although for me it is nonsense, this is the first time I have changed my principles), and from that moment the horror began.
It became clear to me that this is my ideal man, the one with whom I can start a family and be happy.
We have amazing sex, it’s very interesting with him, and he loves me very much. But ... married, and he has children.
And then the stop turns on. Not only that, I am subjected to moral terror from all sides, especially from my mother’s side, because it’s unacceptable, that I’m ruining my family and that I’m not building happiness on someone else’s grief, etc.
I myself am tormented by doubts, coming up with my own reasons why we cannot be happy.
Moreover, he loves, and I see that he loves, and he does everything so that I can see that he is in love without memory.
And he asks to marry him, offered his hand and heart. And I make sure that I push him away endlessly. I speak and do things unpleasant to him.
All the time I tell him that we must part, that we have no future.
Now it has come to the point that I decided to move to another city, so as not to see it, not to feel this terrible moral pressure from relatives, and from friends, and from himself.
This is not easy for me, because here is an ideal job and many friends and parents, but I do not see any other way. Now I think that I will not leave forever, but for a few months to try to break away from all this and relax.
He always tells me that he loves, gives flowers and gifts and wants us to be together. And I tell him that we are not a couple, that I am a free woman, and he is married and it would be better for him to leave me alone.
I’m morally completely devastated and I don’t know what to do, but I only say “no” to him.
We left a couple of times for several days in another city, and it was magical.
We were together all the time, did not think about anything, there was only love, he and I, and it was so incredibly good that it is not clear how it could be at all.
But after returning, doubts and apathy and anxiety piled up again. We tried not to communicate, I blocked all his contacts. But all the time it breaks me.
Moreover, I am able to not call or write to him, but he is constantly looking for a meeting with me and finds it.
And when he is near, I feel so good that I can’t think of anything bad and I can’t push them away. But he cannot be around all the time.
More precisely, maybe if we are together, but I cannot allow this - he has a wife and children.
He doesn’t live with them now, he is going to get a divorce, but he is a good family man (or I thought so before), he thinks about children and takes care of them.
And I’m selfish and I definitely won’t be able to tolerate the fact that he will be torn between families.
He says that he will not be torn, and taking care of children is different, but I’m not sure that I will perceive this.
No man leaves his family for fun or boredom. These are the aunts in the family who are bent from longing, and the peasants are normal. If a man leaves the family, it means he is really ill there. Not in the sense of bad that the fun is not enough, but in the sense of really bad.
It’s good for him personally with you or he’s good everywhere, if only not at home, I don’t know this, you better know that.
But his wife is not your concern anyway.
Even if he didn’t get divorced and you continued to love each other like that - his wife would not be your concern. It could be the maximum of your problem, and that is optional.
Everything is so successful for you that I don’t really understand what you are worried about.
Caring for children - yes, sometimes it takes bizarre forms. But this is, firstly, a matter of temperament. And secondly, until he puts his children on your head, this is completely portable. If, for example, he had juvenile siblings, and he took care of them, would you bear it? And some, estimate, in shelters volunteer. This is not a reason for jealousy.
If he has enough money for such a life, then I do not see a problem here.
Scary words
Love is a terrible word, it is a signal that life is over, and work has begun, and the work is hard labor.
As soon as it occurred to you that here it is, the main thing for which you have to lie with your bones, that this is your real life - at that very moment you stop living and start pushing this trolley.
Firstly, since it is important, it should not be horrible, it should be at least photogenic. You lick this picture until it fits into your standards. If this unfortunate little stature - you switch to sports shoes; if he is a poor goon or a thinker not of this world - you yourself buy him a decent shirt; if he does not understand humor - admire his biceps; and if he has a belly, then let him not crawl out of his “land cruiser” at all - in him he is dazzling. When something becomes important, it is necessary to take photos to the state of the photo on classmates, and it takes a lot of effort.
To lose the main thing is to lose everything. One careless step can ruin this whole fairy tale, and you begin to control yourself, as a radio operator Kat. You do not breathe, do not sneeze and do not fart - you create an image, henceforth your whole life is a message. You never call yourself, do not say too much, gently smile and look into the distance, and all this adds up to the main message - "Do not be afraid of me, I will not be a burden to you." When a loved one breaks offensive nonsense or commits exorbitant abominations, you are silent and look with understanding, and this should signal "do not be afraid of me, there will be no tantrums, it’s good with me." If you suddenly have fun, you don’t have fun, you don’t have time for this - you play the performance “it’s fun with me, and in general I’m fucked up”. And when you say “half a centimeter to the left”, it means not half a centimeter to the left, but what a light and advanced I am in sex. You haven’t felt anything for a long time, you have no time to feel, you are fighting for your happiness, you are pushing this trolley knee-deep in the sand, because you have love and most importantly, you cannot close your eyes, you cannot give yourself away, because if you relax for a moment - everyone will see how bad you are, and then everything will end.
But when it’s not love and not the main thing, you don’t wear these chains. You don’t need to improve anyone, you absolutely don’t suffer from the fact that he doesn’t have such socks, and if he smacks of rubbish, you calmly say to him: “Well, what the hell are you talking about?” If a loved one behaves like an asshole, you don’t make a smart face, but you say bluntly - darling, you are an asshole. If you want to tell him something, you tell him without fear of disagreement with him, and if you have fun, you are not afraid to be ridiculous. And if you ask for half a centimeter to the left, then this means that you need half a centimeter to the left, and that means nothing more. And you call yourself when you want, because you do not need to be proud and self-sufficient, since this is not the main thing, and let everyone see how bad you are, you do not care.
And when you live a little like this, it suddenly turns out that you are not bad at all. You, it turns out, are not ridiculous and intrusive, but kind, funny and touching, as touching is anyone who renounces power, who simply goes to heat, without laying any hope on him and not calling him all sorts of scary words.
A year ago, I met a man with whom we had a great relationship - in general, a very sweet romance. He took our relationship very seriously, heaped with gifts, courted, flowers, made friends with my daughter, everything else. He has something with self-esteem, and, in my opinion, it seemed to him that he was kind of miserable, and I was a star. I strongly disagree with this, but oh well. Not in this case. After several months of relations, things went so that I had to leave him: it was not my whim, I did not exchange him for anyone, but I had very good reason to believe that I would be disappointed with the continuation of the relationship. I talked with him and explained everything to him, but we had a trip planned and paid for (at his expense), and I did not cancel it. We rested, and we had sex, because I understood that he had started everything for this, and did not want to upset him even more. After this incident, we had sex several times, because I felt sorry for him. He is very vulnerable, cries all the time, complains of pain in his left hand, says that he wants to jump out the window, and I am very worried, because as a person he is very nice to me. He is very cute, such a Khobotov, and offending such a person is like stealing a child. At the same time, I am not ready to sacrifice my plans and interests for his sake, because I am also a person, and I'm tired of giving in to everyone. I met another man, but the previous one continues to send me flowers, gifts for me and for my daughter. He writes me all the messengers, behaves as if nothing had happened, as if we have a connection. Quietly waiting for future meetings, although it is clear that I do not want to meet with him. I always tell him that, they say, I don’t have to give anything, that everything is expensive, that I don’t deserve it, but I am scared to speak with him firmly and talk about the new man. On the one hand, I am wildly afraid of conflicts, on the other, I really like him as a person and I don’t want him to be sad. At the same time, I understand that the situation is no longer even in a dead end, but in some kind of hell. And these flowers with gifts for me are like a scarf for a Bulgakov’s servant who strangled a child. Everyone accuses me of being greedy and twisting his brains for gifts and flowers, but I can’t see these flowers anymore. I feel like the last bitch, I am ashamed of everyone, all the time I mentally scroll through this situation to understand where I am to blame, but still maintain correspondence with him to keep him in a normal mood. Sometimes I want to block him and run away everywhere, but I feel responsible for his morale and cannot decide on it. Yes, I know that everyone doesn’t feel good))) But I am responsible for the situation that has developed, and I want to resolve it somehow normally.
Do you know what I thought? Here is this alignment: it is pathetic, and you are a star - you continue to support it and continue to twist it.
Imagine for a moment another scenario: you are a star and he is a star. Or even better - you are a star, and he is a man. Well, in the sense of man-man, well, you understand.
Would you accept gifts so as not to injure him? Would you say that everything is expensive and you do not deserve it? You wouldn’t remember such words.
You, with your mercy, continue to transmit to him that he is miserable, and he becomes even more sorry for this.
Do you know why? Because he already sensed that this position has its advantages.
Try to treat him like a man, not like a sick puppy. Of course, you will take away the buns from him, but in return you will give a sensation that, perhaps, will change his whole life.
The man is happy to give all the buns of the world for being considered a man and treated like a man.
I am a lost person. I am 30 years old, there is no family and is not planned, with children it is similar. Five years ago, divorced her drinking spouse, almost escaped. After that there were still attempts to build a serious relationship and a joint life, but "the poet’s soul could not stand it." A year ago, broke up with her good boy and since then I live alone. The thought of starting these damn things again, damn them, a serious relationship, begins to get nauseous; at the thought of letting someone into his hole again and living with him, he openly wants to puke. I don’t want enough. I don’t want to love either. Falling in love is a beautiful, bright feeling that inspires and gives strength, but here is love ... Well, to hell with it, in short. Therefore, I only have lovers. I need very little from men, that's serious. I do not need financial assistance; I do not need moral support. I like flirting, friendship, sex, love. I work remotely, travel, play sports. Seals are already there. In short, I am a strong, independent woman. I have a positive attitude towards children, but I don’t want to have mine (for now? In general? But xs). The bottom line is that I once swallowed freedom, and then allowed myself to live the way I want. It seems that I have every chance of NOT having a family or children at all. This does not scare me, I feel good. For once, I’m really good, and everything is going as it should. I just want to ask you, as an older and wiser person: do you think I will regret it? There is a stereotypical opinion about lonely old age and bitter regrets that there is no family. What do you think about it?
You know, this topic of the family has bothered me already.
There is no family.
There are people who love each other. And there are people who for some reason crammed everyone into one cell.
The fact that both are indicated by the same word simply offends me.
And about lonely old age I’ll tell you this. Lonely old age is when a stranger who is uninteresting and unpleasant to you constantly pushes around, does not give a moment of rest, and there is no one to rescue you from this concentration camp. This is called lonely old age.
And when nobody unpleasantly pushes around, it’s not a lonely old age. This is just old age without love.
How to communicate with emotional people?
For example, my husband. He is a wonderful person, but his emotions always run ahead of the mind. If, for example, the kettle does not turn on, then the husband will first find out for a long time which villain broke the device, then he will begin to be sad about how much he wanted tea, then he is worried about the hardships of the repair and only after that he will check if the kettle is plugged in. Imagine what happens in more complex situations.
It is still almost impossible to find out his opinion about anything. Because when he is in the spirit, then everything is fine, he likes everything, but if he had said otherwise, then he blurted out in haste. And when he is in a bad mood, then everything is bad and hopeless, and if he said otherwise, then he just takes care of my feelings. And all this is constantly changing back and forth.
Even crazy people have their own logic, and if you remember that a person receives signals from space, then it is quite possible to communicate with him. Emotional people are unpredictable, illogical and touchy. I need some kind of algorithm for communicating with them.
You will excuse me, but what you are saying has nothing to do with emotionality and is described by the simple words “idiocy” and “irresponsibility”.
Have you tried to beat? Usually helps.
How did you determine whether a man was fit for a relationship?
If not to talk about love, tomatoes and other romantik.
Being unmarried, I never thought of such nonsense. Some kind of relationship, Lord. Like and okay. Oh, Chota is somehow unpleasant. Oh, Chota is somehow completely unpleasant! Oh, it seems it's over already. Darn. That's about something like this I determined the suitability of a man, being unmarried.
But, being married, I already somehow became interested in this issue. Marriage generally promotes spiritual growth, you know. Now I can say that the suitability of a man for a relationship is not a question for me at all. For me, this can be said to be an open book. It doesn’t look like a husband - therefore, it suits.
But seriously, there are three things that I look at. With a man should not be scary, not ashamed and not bored.
It seemed to me for a very long time that everything was determined by the first point, and the other two seemed to complement it, as if ornamental. It turned out - nothing like that. All three points are equally important, if one support is not enough, the whole structure falls to one side.
Twinkle in the night
In the spring, a woman usually seeks out the beautiful, and a married woman seeks out the beautiful all year round, because this is impossible. By beautiful, she means love, and not alloy wheels, like me.
If a woman has a high nature and fine mental organization, she dreams of an unmarried peer who will rescue her from this rotten meat. A woman who is simpler than unmarried peers fears, and not without reason.
If a man was not married by the age of 35–40, he can no longer be bitten by anyone. What mother did there with him in childhood, we will never know, but he is definitely not suitable for food. If he recently divorced, it means that he literally didn’t give a damn to his soul the other day, and he will wipe you up for a long time and with pleasure. If he divorced a long time and at the same time is still in search, it means that he preferred the quantity to quality and will not turn off this path in the coming years, you are tormented to treat a tripper. In addition, unmarried men in this age group are generally tragically few, and tragically many married, who, however, are no worse and with whom one can dream of deliverance with approximately the same result.
There is a legend about husbands who can cut the chain and strive for new happiness, despising danger. This myth is spread by abandoned wives, and he misled many, and in vain. I personally know one and a half dozen abandoned wives and not a single husband whom a new passion would lure out of the family. This bias in statistics has always worried me somehow.
Therefore, a woman simply does not count on deliverance, but she wants an island of joy, a ray of light and, I am not afraid of this word, a spark in the night of her hopeless life. A married man, half-strangled by dachas, grandmothers and beds, who, as a rule, does not have a single corner in his own house (married men are somehow able to settle down this way), crazy about longing and hopelessness, falls in love with the same purpose. He also wants a little light in the night and another guiding light, and to live and enjoy it with such a coincidence of aspirations, but it immediately becomes clear that the light in the night has a completely different configuration for these two sufferers.
After the first sex, the second sex and the control one are opticalized, when the adultery entered, so to speak, in the shores - a lucky person admitted to the heart stops vibrating, starts calling less often, neglects agreements, does fine without a bunk and sometimes even yawns. The lyrical heroine is terribly offended by such a change of fate, she begins to reflect on deceived hopes, and if she is from the village, then her conclusions begin with the words "he got his way, scoundrel." It seems to her that they trampled on her female pride, while she, on the contrary, was exalted on a pedestal.
For a man, screaming, running around, and passion-muzzle is not what he aspires to. He has this good at home. He wants to be at home, but without any fumes and to stroke. And the rest so that at home - calmly, reliably and once a week to snuggle your soul, and if a man offers his girlfriend such a regimen - this is a very serious request. This means that he intends to be with her for a long time, he built her into his life, she deserves to be his quiet backwater.
The problem is that his girlfriend imagines an island of happiness in a completely different way. She doesn’t need to be at home, just curly-haired and not to champ. Calmly and reliably once a week - from this she does not even know where to go at home, provided, of course, that they do not beat her at home. She wants extravaganza and frenzy. A woman spending her days throat-deep in a swamp does not see a big difference between a swamp and a quiet backwater, she reaches out to her deliverer in the hope that, according to him, fountains will clog in the swamp, not to say geysers, all in one at sunset rays.
If it’s quite simple, then for a woman, love is when she is constantly being bothered, and for a man, when they finally stopped being bothered.
But in general, they can well get along, and a man in this situation can even be congratulated, he found what he dreamed about, he found his light in the night, that is, how he found it - he stole from her.
If a woman under 35 has never had a serious relationship (never married, did not live together and did not even meet with anyone for more than a couple of months), is that all diagnosis? It's time to hammer on this area of \u200b\u200blife, relax and do something pleasant and useful, for example, to get a 3rd cat? Or is everything still not lost, do you have to work on yourself, revolve in society, fight for happiness, believe in yourself, etc.? Honestly, the reluctance to make extra gestures without any confidence in the result. But a close person wants to be near (and take a mortgage together calmer). I understand that we must somehow learn to get high from the process itself (flirting and communication), then it will not be so dreary, but how to learn this if the sofa and book beckon more?
You will be very surprised if I say that most people who lived together and got married also never had a serious relationship? Usually, everything is limited to a set of some rituals that can be performed with anyone, it's all pretty awkward dances in honor of the great goddess, and people have nothing to do with it.
If you are reluctant to participate in this booth, there can be two reasons for this. Either you seem to yourself unworthy of this sacred action, or this action does not seem sacred to you.
Maybe it makes sense to somehow move away from this scenario altogether, where you need to get up from the couch, put down the book and go to jump with your feet in order to not understand what. On the contrary, to drag all these tasks into your own scenario, comfortable and meaningful. For example, to consider flirting and communication not as ridiculous gestures, but, say, a new book in which unexpected and amazing things happen.
I am 36, a husband, a child of 9 years old, with my husband 12 years old, married 9. At the beginning of the relationship, he offended me very much (he was drunk and kissed in public another young lady, although I had already been invited to live with him and I had been living with him for about two months by that time she smiled every morning from seeing him). For some reason, I didn’t leave then, and didn’t even make a scandal (like “I am above this”) - she was stupid and exhausted by previous relationships, which were even worse. If I then read your story about the shoe and the shoe! But alas ... I forgave him then forgiven, I just made a mistake and continued to live with him.
Moreover, he is so all positive, yes, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t beat, all the money is in the house.
After that, my physical desire for him turned off. But I’m a stubborn girl and struggled for family happiness, and I wanted to give birth to children, I thought - well, what garbage, we survive. We survived, the child was born, we live. The point is the following: it was important for me to have a child in marriage, and throughout my pregnancy I begged him to at least just sign it. Signed, yes. Two weeks before the birth, I barely walked through the door already. The next - when the child was three years old, I became interested in ethnopsychology and decided that a wedding ceremony could help us restore relations. Things are still there, and how many tears I shed, begging for this wedding! The excuses are different: there is no money, I’m not ready, why, I already got married, and so on. Well, periodically it’s so sluggish - well, let's make a wedding, yes. Well, that’s how come on? I have to take him by the handle again and marry myself ... He believes that there’s nothing that I’m doing out of an elephant’s fly and that’s not all that matters ...
Total I’m sitting at home_not working, raising a child, he is at home schooling. This is all wonderful, I wanted it all, but I feel cheated. (Rather, I deceived him, agreeing to live with him with such an attitude towards me.) He provides for his family, but he often reproaches and sleeps and sees me working as a fad already. My specialty is rare, it’s not particularly in demand right now, and I’m not able to do anything so much as raising my child. No strength no matter what. I have depression as a confirmed diagnosis, I need to be treated. My husband was officially excommunicated already, he is terribly offended. At the same time, I also really want bodily love and dream of everything, but, damn it, in the real world it’s not worth it. Disgusted, I can not give myself to someone who offended, whom I do not respect and who do not respect me. Slight improvements in this matter were a little before and a little after the birth of the baby, apparently, the general level of my joy in life with the corresponding hormonal background was higher.
It’s impossible to figure out any normal source of income, especially if the child is with me, and I don’t want to go to school (in the worst case, the Waldorf school, we were already there, but it’s a hefty fee, and then I work and I hardly see the child ) I don’t want to run away and wander off, send my child to an ordinary school, go to any work myself (cleaning lady, nanny, please), and it won’t give independence, sometimes I earn extra money, but the money is ridiculous. It’s sickening to live like it is now. What to do?
Well what can I say. Normal hell, everything is as always. Two people who have absolutely nothing to do with each other, and each is trying to insert the other into his composition. Why exactly this? But FIG knows. Are they different?
Your husband does not care whom to feed, if only to play the game "full set". But you don’t care with whom to play the wedding, because you like this game, and you don’t like other games.
If your husband played a real kid wholeheartedly and did not reproach you with a piece - you would also feel a little warmer about him.
If you hadn’t fantasized about rushnyks and rockers at dawn, but played female energetics and the other great goddess all the time, here and now, you would have been much more fun too.
Of course, you and your husband don’t need each other in FIGs, this goes without saying. The problem is that you yourself are not really needed.
I would think this way.
How do you feel about the fact that you are above average? (I ask without false modesty.) Does it rather interfere with you or, on the contrary, like it?
Let’s take me :) I went to school in Alma-Ata and suffered that I was above average. On the one hand - cool, everything is easy. Books, live interesting. On the other hand, there’s no one to talk to. I had to adapt, but I had to sit at a desk with someone. I thought - I’ll go to Moscow, it will be interesting, there will be conversations and songs around the fire. I arrived. True, everyone at the university had an average above average, and it was difficult to study. And there were conversations. But here is how the university ended and work began, so it is again. It is especially unbearable that all this mediocrity for some reason always sits in the bosses. And I can not obey someone whose causal connections in the brain do not work. Now I’ve left for another country, all contacts are confused. At first it seemed that everyone here was terribly smart, because they spoke a different language. Learned, it means :) A well-known phenomenon. But 2 years have passed, and again you are standing in the middle of the field, and around you are idiots. It’s not clear where to go.
Somehow put up, or what, is it necessary? Talk about this with no one, they say, a fool, arrogant.
Of course I like it.
But a little interfere. It’s a catastrophe with men, I learned to turn off hearing in special courses in order to don't die a virgin not to run away from every date just as she was, in her shorts, but still at least a little bit to be in these, like them. In a relationship.
As for language, this is a well-known trick, yes. I once had a period when I only muttered with the Germans. It really helped. Like, it’s not he who carries such nonsense that he blinds his eyes, but I don’t know the language badly, I still need to learn some more.
Well what to say. I learned it myself, it became impossible with the Germans too.
There is still such a setup. All the time, after all, you are looking for your own, like you. And since you usually don’t see them, you are trying to figure them out. Like they are dressed up, but somewhere here, you just need to find out. Password review, these are these spy games. As a result, you climb with your password to everyone in a row. You’re scaring people in vain.
In fact, there is nothing to worry about and nothing to fuss about. If you do not run in circles, but calmly stand still, then your own will do.
They have the same problems.
How to be in my situation?
I am 26 years old, behind MSU, where I combined my studies with work from the first year. I moved from a student hostel to a rented apartment together with a man 15 years older (free, beautiful and healthy, without children, past marriages and former, callous eyes), in whom I was very in love (before that I managed to marry a classmate and get a divorce). It's been almost 5 years, we still live in this apartment, I have work for 150,000 p. in the month that I work for two and disappear for days, but it's like everyone appreciates it and may someday pay more. He gets paid about the same, he also lingers late.
We have enough money for food, so you can not pay attention to the price tags. On two ordinary cars (not Mercedes and not BMW), on my little trips abroad (on the weekend when I just find cheap tickets and fly away) and on our joint holidays in the mountains or at sea. For clothes and shoes that we like, for purchases that we really want and ... that's all.
We live together like this in the present.
Everything would be fine, only ...
I want my home, I want to give birth and raise three children, but at the same time not to reduce the standard of living that I have now. And I want such a number of deferred money so that I could not work for about 5 years.
The only option that I see for myself now is to look for work, “trade in the face” and try to sell myself well (and I actually work very well, I have enough potential and brains, so I don’t even deceive anyone). Work on this job in heavy duty for another 5-6 years, and then at 30 with a little go on maternity leave. And no longer leave him, remain a housewife, and when the children grow up - retire.)
Only ... I'm not sure that my man wants these three children with me. At the very beginning of our relationship, when I was a student with a salary of 20 thousand rubles, I was ready to marry him and give birth to children, without looking back at anything, right now. But he did not offer me. And the children too.
And now we are more like relatives to each other - that is, tenderness is the sea, and there is almost no sex. He supports me in my desire to earn more and make a career, we do not quarrel, together it is interesting and comfortable. He always has money, he gave it to me when it was needed and gives it now without any problems.
Ignores questions about children, marriage in itself does not interest me.
It’s impossible to leave him - he’s cool, I’ve never met anyone better. Find sex on the side - please, but only sex. As a person, I am not interested in any man.
In general, it feels like we will remain together for the rest of our lives. Plow 5 days a week so that you can buy something for yourself in your free time.
Longing is hopeless.
You and your man have different programs. He wants to live as it is now, for him this is the finish he was striving for.
