A friend does not want to communicate with me. How to end a relationship with people who no longer want to be friends with you

They helped us:

Marina Vershkova
Psychologist

Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology

Elena Kuzeeva
Psychologist

Marina Travkova
Family therapist

Afraid of condemnation

You are not 15 years old, but the feeling that your own person (parents, grandmother, older brother) makes your life unbearable, does not let go. All your attempts to establish communication have failed. It doesn’t matter why: maybe this same relative is just an emotional rapist and doesn’t want to negotiate, but wants to ruin your life. Or just a bad character and a difficult fate for a person, and you cry at night into the pillow, trying to understand what you are to blame for. The important thing is that you would be much happier, interrupting or reducing communication to a minimum.

However, the fear of condemnation erases all the arguments of reason. After all we hear from childhood that swearing with family is bad. Because there is nothing more important than family, and friends and others like them come and go. In the end, what will people think?

What to do: “In such cases, it is about respecting personal boundaries,” said Marina Trakova, a family psychotherapist. - You can run away from your relatives for distant lands, but the tension will still remain. Therefore, first you need to hear yourself, not closing your eyes to your own discomfort, and finally choose who is dearer to you: you or all those people who “say something”.

It’s impossible to like everything, so a person who sets himself a similar task is trapped. Such a lifestyle deprives joy, strength and health. It originates, as a rule, where a person from childhood was taught to be “as it should be” and suggested that “it’s not so, it’s wrong, nobody needs it.”

Remind yourself that you are no longer a helpless baby. It is mortally scary for a child to get the rejection of those whom he loves and on whom he depends. But you grew up. AND if someone upsets your behavior, then most likely neither you nor upset by this will die. Gently but confidently explain that you are, of course, relatives, but this situation no longer suits you. Get ready for resistance - usually the behavior “you can endure me anyway” is very pleasant to those who practice it, and so your loved one will not refuse it. You still can’t be good for everyone, but in this situation, someone should be indifferent to you, and this someone, most likely, is yourself. ”

Need to communicate

This is generally the most popular excuse for those who suffer both a despotic husband and a rude neighbor. There is a sea of \u200b\u200bvarious “musts” that are carried out without thinking about who needs it and, in fact, for what. It is imperative to get married, build a dizzying career, go round the world. One of these “musts" is the all-time friendship with newly made relatives and “friends of friends”, as well as with their other halves. The usual neutral-respectful attitude and polite conversations with rare meetings are not suitable. It is friendship.

And it doesn’t matter that we choose husbands and friends according to their common interests, mutual sympathy and other compatibility, and all the rest are included, as they are. And mutual love may not work out. Or there will be mutual dislike. Simply put, you are not ready and do not want to be related to them, however, you continue to do a good face with a bad game, supporting yourself with the arguments: “we are one family”, “they raised me like that” and “everyone does that”.

What to do: “If you dig deeply,” says the psychologist Marina Vershkova, “the“ so necessary ”program has been pre-installed for us since childhood. This behavior was characteristic of the generation of our grandmothers and mothers, and we inherited. And if you look at the surface, then this is the most common attempt to take control of the opinions of others about you. You are selflessly friends with the closest associates of a person dear to you, in this way trying to say: "I'm good, I'm doing everything right."

But try to listen to your desires and determine which way of communicating with these people suits you best. Do not be afraid to fantasize, to lose this way to yourself and to trace what emotions and feelings it will cause in you.

However, one should not deceive oneself: if a certain “I don’t want” is revealed, he will have to be legalized, that is, at least admit it to himself. Thus, it will be easier to understand that you do not need such communication. ”

Your rights

For all those who like to suffer guilty feelings, it is useful to keep at hand the “Rights of a Confident Person” (from the Bill on the Psychological Rights of the Person - an unofficial document developed by the American Psychological Association).

Everyone has the right to evaluate their own behavior, thoughts, feelings and be responsible for them.
Everyone has the right not to make excuses and not to explain their actions to others.
Everyone has the right to refuse to answer a request without feeling guilty, and decide for himself whether he wants to take responsibility for solving other people's problems.
Everyone has the right to change their decisions.
Everyone has the right to ignorance, to make illogical decisions, not to be perfect.

Afraid to offend

Perhaps you yourself do not want to gently make friends with distant relatives and husbands of friends, but others expect this from you. Those whom you love very much and do not want to offend. For example, your man. You put a lot of effort, trying to be good for everyone, but in the end you are constantly nervous and you are offended by it yourself - because a loved one does not understand you, does not see how bad you are in the presence of his mother. Such a situation may well end in a ruined relationship, for the good of which you tried so hard. Some call it female wisdom, which, however, is customary to cover up anything, from fear to change your life for the better and ending with outright stupidity.

What to do: Marianna Volkova, practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology, advises: “Understand that all your“ victims ”in the name of general peace are absolutely in vain. While you suffer in silence, those around you are sure that everything is in order, and if one day you try to present your suffering as a feat for the sake of your beloved, you will most likely not be understood. Agree, it’s strange to do what you don’t want, and still be silent.

Sooner or later, you just explode and throw out everything that has accumulated over a long time, without controlling emotions. At the same time, the truth will not be on your side: because if you had not shown discontent before, then everything suited you. And suddenly - an unexpected scene. As a result, you run the risk of being known as an unbalanced hysteria.

The best way out is a direct conversation, but based not on the personality of an unpleasant person, but on your own feelings and emotions. A compromise can always be found, but any compromise begins with a frank conversation". It is possible that the one you are so afraid of offending will really try to be offended. If a loved one stubbornly refuses to listen to you and your desires, it remains only to confront him with a fact and remind you that you are also a living person and have the right to psychological comfort.

Dangerous for health

The ability to think about the feelings of loved ones and the desire to see them happy and satisfied are worthy of respect. But if at the same time you forget about your emotions and comfort, such psychological “patience” threatens with nervous disorders and, as a result, various diseases.

Psychologist Elena Kuzeyeva has no doubt: “If you notice the peculiarity of“ endure and forgive everything ”and you are characterized by psychosomatic illnesses, the best solution would be to consult an experienced specialist. You need emotional support and help in developing the ability to build boundaries in communication, plus you need to deal with protective mechanisms that have grown stronger over many years. And this is not always easy to do alone. ”

I'm used to talking

You communicate with a colleague from times that no one else in the team remembers. But some years have passed - and you have no common interests left. Or, moreover, you feel uncomfortable - instead of the usual joy, you only experience irritation. It would seem that everything is obvious: communication should be curtailed or reduced to infrequent meetings with conversations about weather and nature. But in reality, everything is not so cloudless.

What to do: “If you do not just disagree, but you actually experience negative emotions when communicating with a person, it is better to gradually reduce contact to nothing,” says Marianna Volkova. - Over time, people change, and perhaps you really are no longer on the way. Of course, it’s a shame to refuse a friend with whom I spent so much time. But often we are afraid to lose not the person himself, but communication as the ritual that accompanied every stage of our lives. ”

Such relationships can often be compared to many years of marriage, in which feelings have become a habit. Interrupt them to you, most likely, it will be a pity and a shame. In this case, it helps to think about the feelings of the opponent well. After all, a person sincerely believes that everything is as before, and strives for communication. So even out of respect for your many years of friendship - stop pretending that everything is okay. You have 2 options: either honestly admit your feelings, or carefully reduce communication to the level at which you feel comfortable. The main thing is not to try to turn a blind eye to the situation.

If you don’t want to communicate with you

But what if in any of the above situations you find yourself, but on the other side of the barricade? “When people suddenly refuse to communicate with you, you most often start digging in yourself and looking for reasons,” Marianna Volkova thinks. - Because you can’t understand how you - so good and who did nothing wrong to a person - are ignored.

You can, of course, torment yourself and loved ones with endless “why?”. You can even arrange a confrontation and try to call a person who does not accept you for a frank conversation. But in this case, you risk at least putting yourself and your opponent in an uncomfortable position. As a maximum, provoke a conflict that both of you could well do without. It’s best, of course, to leave a person with the right to choose with whom and how to communicate with him. ”

How to adjust

In fairness, it is worth saying that simply breaking off all contacts with an unpleasant person is not always realistic. It is unlikely that you will be able to openly tell the boss that you don’t want to see him anymore and now all the working issues are by corporate mail. Have to look for a way to adjust. Suppose a citizen does not do anything bad to you personally, but is terribly annoying. You are looking for a clue, but you do not see it - it just infuriates, and that’s it.

“If you feel annoyed in the society of a certain person for no apparent reason, you should first understand yourself,” Elena Kuzeeva hints. “Perhaps the unfortunate have nothing to do with it.” You may find that he resembles another person from the past with whom unpleasant emotions are associated. Or you feel next to him your inferiority in any area. Perhaps you had some expectations regarding him, and they did not materialize. After identifying and realizing the causes of irritation, unpleasant emotions can completely disappear. ”

If you perfectly understand what exactly is driving you nuts, it remains to try to minimize the damage. Marianna Volkova advises treat each meeting with an unpleasant person, such as, for example, going to the dentist - so-so joy, but necessary. “It really helps to realize that of the two of you, only you spend nerve cells. And he doesn't give a damn that he annoys you. ”

Almost every person faces a problem in communication at different periods of his life. Most often, such questions are of particular concern to children, because it is they who perceive everything that is happening as emotionally as possible and such situations can develop into a real drama. And if asking a child’s questions is a simple task, then mature people don’t talk about it out loud, and the lack of friends significantly affects one’s self-confidence and self-esteem. To solve a problem, you need to acknowledge its presence and say to yourself: "Yes, I have no friends, people don’t want to communicate with me." Now you can begin to solve the situation. Almost every person asks himself the question of why people don’t want to communicate with me sooner or later.

What is the essence of friendship?

To start with, friendship is primarily a relationship between at least two. It does not succumb to any laws, no one sets the rules that are standard for everyone. All habits and rules of communication are born in the process and are developed as a result of prolonged communication. But in order to start communicating with a person, you need at least a mutual desire, it will not hurt to have common interests, values \u200b\u200band aspirations. Quite often, people have problems establishing contacts in the work team. People wonder why my colleagues don’t want to talk to me. The answer can be found very much and it is not necessary to look for the cause in yourself. Envy can occur here, especially often a similar problem arises in people who have just come to a new position.

Why do not you want to communicate with a person?

Sometimes it happens that even with interesting and educated personalities you don’t really want to communicate. What could be the reason? In fact, there are a lot of options, but the following can be considered the most common: unpleasant appearance, disrespectful attitude towards people around, unwillingness to make contact from the side of a person, inability to communicate and behave appropriately, as well as fear of friendship and communication with others. If you think why no one wants to communicate with me, then the first step towards solving the problem has been taken.

How to deal with the problem?

If no one wants to communicate with me, then the problem is in me? Not at all necessary. The appearance and behavior of a person can be considered the basis for building communication, but you will not go far on these two factors. And if you can still come to terms with an unpleasant appearance, and someone does not pay attention to it at all, then if a person acts ugly in relation to other people, then there is already reason to think. And people are often judged by friends. As for the appearance, many characteristics that are strictly individual are important here. This may be deviations in height or weight from the norm, untidy clothes, an unpleasant smell. These problems, in principle, can be easily and quickly fixed. So just keep your neatness in mind, don't forget to brush your teeth, eat right, and so on. If this is the only problem, then after you put yourself in order, perhaps the road to full communication will open. But do not think that the attitude of others towards you will change as if by magic. Friendship can be lost in a split second, and it takes years to build. Usually, after solving the problem with the appearance, the period of adaptation begins, when others begin to realize the changes and show a desire to make contact.

What if the problem is deeper?

Why do not want to communicate with me if the main problems are resolved? Things are much more complicated when a communication problem is associated with psychological complexes. First of all, it is an inferiority complex. There is only one way out, to realize that you are an exceptional person, thereby increasing your self-esteem and simply learning how to love yourself. However, this process takes a long time in terms of duration, most likely, you will have to seek help not only from specialized literature, but also undergo any training or get advice from a specialist. But you will never regret the time and money spent, because self-development is a fascinating activity, it is a process that can change a person literally beyond recognition. Friendship is work, it is a mutual obligation, something more than simple friendships. Some people have a problem such as a fear of taking on this responsibility or a fear of being deceived, betrayed by another person. People are afraid to take risks, do not trust anyone around them and cannot open themselves to another person as friendship requires. Therefore, the question of why people do not want to communicate with me is very relevant. The ability to build healthy relationships with others is one of the most important tasks of a person.

What to do if people don’t want to communicate with me?

Psychologists say most of their patients are concerned about friendships. Often they come with questions about whether people do not want to be friends with me, why this happens and what can be done about it. Yes, it happens. In the world there are a huge number of books, films, trainings that can help to understand the problem of communicating with other people. Psychologists recommend listening to the following four tips. You should learn to control your “body language”, keep track of time, be able to not only listen, but also arouse interest in your own person. So, let's take a closer look at each of the tips. To understand why people do not want to communicate with me, it is necessary, first of all, for their own benefit.

Body control

It will not be superfluous to observe gestures, body movements, and so on. When you are conducting a dialogue with your friend, do not forget to follow the signs that indicate that your interlocutor does not enjoy the conversation. If you paid attention to this, your task is not to complicate the situation, annoying your friend. Maybe it’s not even the matter of you at all, but of external factors, but the impression of the meeting will be spoiled and in the future you may begin to be perceived as a person from whom it is difficult to get rid of it. If you learn to pick up hints that your interlocutor wants to end the conversation, then people will perceive you more easily. For example, your friend during the dialogue too often looks at his watch or answers with monosyllabic sentences, instead of showing interest and going into details. It seems that he is in a hurry somewhere. This means one thing: it's time to end the conversation and let the person go on business. Psychologists also recommend taking note of such a "chip" as the position of the feet. Yes, it’s not stupid things at all, experts are sure that if they are directed away from you, it only means that your interlocutor would not mind to leave the meeting place faster and go on about their business. Why don't people want to talk to me? Perhaps the problem lies precisely in the inability to conduct a dialogue.

Control the time

Sometimes in the process of conversation it happens that our perception of time gets confused. Especially when a person is nervous and drowns in incoherent verbosity, while such a behavior goes unnoticed, as the idea of \u200b\u200btime is lost. If you will be communicating with a person for the first time, treat this as an interview in the press and prepare in this way. You can practice with anyone, with a friend, with family. Imitate communication at the first meeting and do not be lazy to measure the time of your speeches. Your task is to determine, on an intuitive level, when your monologue lasts 30 seconds and when a minute or more. At first, while the contact is just being established, you should not go beyond this framework. But as soon as you feel that the conversation is going in the right direction, you can go into monologues, if your interlocutor is interested. Always remember that at first you should not "pile" a lot of information on your partner.

Do not forget to give the floor to your interlocutor

It will be difficult for you to bother a person if you give him the opportunity to talk about himself no less than yours. A great option is the ability to ask open-ended questions that involve free answers. All this is necessary in order to help the interlocutor to engage in a dialogue. Questions should also be selected correctly. For example, most likely the question “Have you lived in Moscow for a long time?” Will entail a monosyllabic answer, and if you ask your interlocutor why he moved to Moscow and whether he likes this city, here you can get a more interesting and detailed answer, which Subsequently, it will provide an opportunity to develop dialogue in new directions. Thus, you will be able to learn more about your friend or acquaintance, which will provide the basis for further communication.

Arouse interest in your own person

As for the standard set of questions that it is customary to ask during a small talk, it is too limited and boring, and your task is to interest the interlocutors. Do not be lazy to prepare interesting answers to the most common questions in advance. Any conference involves a thousand of the same questions in the spirit: “What are you working on now?”, “What's new with you?” And so on. It will be a big omission on your part to come up with answers straight away or, even worse, answer with neutral phrases that do not cause any interest among the interlocutors (“I’m not doing anything special,” “nothing new is happening”). Thus, you will immediately give the impression of a boring person and those around you will not even have the slightest desire to continue the dialogue with you. The situation will be different if you come up with answers that can "add fuel to the fire" and fuel interest in you. People should have a desire to ask you more about everything.

Please help, for several years now I’ve been tormented by one question: "Why do people around me not want to communicate? I don’t get in touch with young people, I often communicate in social networks, sometimes I decide to have a real meeting, but that's all at one meeting. If you have a question for a psychologist, then it should be asked in the appropriate section, for example, here: And he lives with such thoughts: After the divorce, I decided to find a friend on the dating site.

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Psychologists once showed several experienced pickpockets a video of an ordinary human stream on the street and asked who they would choose as victims.

I had previously driven, it was sad to tears, but then something pereklinilo and now it is violet to me why people want. Each has its own story, so it is advisable to sort it out with a psychologist. Articles Friendship with a sweetheart An article about the meaningfulness of a person’s reactions and actions, about the ability to be the master of one’s own life. After all, all this can be put in order, get rid of unpleasant odors, repair clothes, bring nails and hair in proper form.

In short, the complete riddle for me is what’s wrong with me. And this problem goes into some kind of mania: I’m afraid to communicate with people at least somehow.

Maybe this is the reason that I communicate, that people do not accept me?

Find the reasons why people don’t want to communicate with you and eliminate them

And you will have everything, I’m sure. I have a memory that they don’t want to talk to me, I can’t understand why it’s kind of sociable, funny, not stupid, no, talking and listening are equal, but the same anyway, the husband says that I come across the wrong people, but how many can you wait \\ they don’t want to communicate with me. why?

why are they unwilling to communicate with you? Of course, there are cases when everyone lives in peace and harmony, but it also happens that people for no apparent reason can not stand simply because it should be so according to their status to each other.

They don’t want to communicate with you, let them understand that ***** is for you, they are just passing people in your life and you should not focus on what they think about you.

They don’t want to communicate with me. I am not a good person

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Reasons may be 2. I'm afraid to be rejected again. From the 1st to the 9th grade, I needed to be very bullied, beaten, and called names in every possible way.

They don’t want to communicate with me

Maxim, this training, which will continue, is just for you. It happened that, no matter how hard you try, a person with you does not want to.

If you are smiling, then do not do it through force, it will be noticeable and scare off the interlocutor, leaving an unpleasant aftertaste. She began to do everything for herself, and not for the rest.

Why do not want to communicate with me?

I am also unsociable, I have no friends, and usually in any team I’m not comfortable, I don’t communicate with anyone. Why don't people reach for me, no friends? I note that I do not need friendship with such gossip people.

Love, family, life - X-factor

Why they don’t love me - they don’t want relationships and communication with me

Why don't they like me? Who and what is to blame

People, constantly and everywhere, are faced with situations that they do not like, ignore, hate, and so on. The most reasonable of them ask the question: Why do not they like me - do not want relationships and communication with me?

Meanwhile, there are simple rules of communication as manifestations of relationships. When, violating them, regardless of other circumstances and thoughtful reasoning, a person is to blame for not wanting to “deal with” him.

Of course, among the reverse side, there is a “complete inadequacy” - people who, inherently, are not capable of normal communication with all your desire.

But, it happens that a person himself does not know how to communicate with other people, due to upbringing and habits that interfere with this.

In particular: there are simple reasons and answers to the question: Why they do not like me - they do not want relationships and communication with me.

Why don't they like me? Do you need this for everyone to love you?

BUT, before considering why it happens that some people do not like other people, I would like to understand this question: Does a person need everyone to love him?

And, I’ll say right away, in my opinion, this question is not as simple as it seems to someone. For, in essence, the question of why they do not like me can have different endings.

For example, why they do not like me:

- those with whom I would like to have a relationship and communicate;

- it is the person or those people, specifically, who I need, I need, but who for some reason do not like me.

All this, of course, depends on the person’s personality itself, or rather on the interests that he has regarding other people.

Someone needs to be loved by everyone around. Someone needs to be loved only by those people whom he himself loves and respects.

And someone needs to be loved only by one person or a group of people who have special significance for him.

All this: their interests in relations with other people and their interests, naturally, too, must be taken into account in solving the problem of why they do not like me.

Why they do not love me - do not want relationships and communication? Main reasons

There are thousands of objective and subjective reasons why some people do not like other people, and even more reasons why some people do not like others, including disgust.

However, as they say, in particulars there is always something in common, therefore, here are the TOP of the most common answers to the question why they do not like me:

1. Your self-esteem is overestimated and, therefore, you look at the people around you not only from above, but also “from your bell tower”.

In the practice of communication and relationships, such your overvalued self-conceit is easily “calculated”, if not by brains, then by feelings.

There are people who like to have personal authority over themselves - to realize that they communicate with the "greats". But most people prefer to communicate, in every sense, with peers.

So, if you are less "yak" in relations with other people, you will be less likely to ask yourself the question why they do not love me.

2. You do not know or do not want to use simple, general rules of communication between people.

For example, you interrupt the interlocutor, show him your disregard for his thoughts and feelings.

In general: voluntarily or not, you show your partner, in relations and communication, your inattention to him, in the framework: from contempt to indifference.

This is expressed, for example, in this way: when they speak to you, you turn to the person you are talking to, excuse me, your ass, literally.

Or look to the side, yawn, wave your hand, or do other bodily movements of hostility and neglect.

Why they do not like me, in these cases, it is easy to guess.

Want to love yourself - be more accessible

3. You do not consider it necessary, immediately, and even more so, in general, to respond to the most diverse appeals and messages to you.

- Do not call back if they called you, but you could not answer;

- Do not respond to comments on the Web when they were written to you personally;

- do not respond to personal e-mails and letters, postcards, messages;

- keep quiet when you are expected to receive any message, any words, information.

What wonder why they dislike me for such behavior?

4. You love to boast about your victories and achievements.

People, even those who are not far-sighted, realize that a person must not be judged by self-praise, but by deeds - life teaches this.

Well, really, absolutely no one can like it, when in communication with him, they begin to boast about their education, achievements at work or the amount of money.

And men and women are equally enraged when they, in order to allegedly raise their significance, begin to talk about their “victories” on love-sex-family fronts.

If you do this, so wonder: Why don't they love me !?

5. You do not know how to adjust the volume of your communication with people.

People, purely instinctively strain when talking to them loudly, and even more so, shout.

People don’t like it, and again, instinctively, they get nervous when they speak too quietly: it carries a threat or a sign of insignificance of the opponent.

Therefore, when answering the question why they do not like me, analyze the sound volume setting of your communication with them.

Try to be honest with people

6. You "Juliet" in communication with people.

That is, in your own words and manner of presenting them, with your facial expressions and other body movements, for example, not looking into the interlocutor’s eyes, you create the impression of a “slippery” person.

In other words, your counterpart does not see your essence in you or does not trust your words and actions, because you are not sincere in presenting them.

For example, girls and boys do not like, moreover, consciously and subconsciously, when their communication partner begins to speak streamlined, incomprehensible, intricate, and so on.

In other words, be real or portray it - are sincere in communication. And, then, you’ll be less likely to ask the question: Why do they dislike me?

7. You are physically unpleasant to the communication partner.

What is meant? He does not like, in general, your appearance, which is quite rare. As a rule, people do not like the particular in another person.

For example, it “smells bad” from him, possibly with perfume, or it smells from the mouth. or saliva flies when talking.

Or a person is sloppy and untidy, or any bodily imperfections, for example, short stature or crooked legs, and so on, irritate him.

What do you say when answering the question why they do not like me, in this case?

Of course, bad breath, for example, can be eliminated, but low growth cannot be fixed. Simply, you need to proceed from these realities, and consider: Well, since they don’t like it in me, it’s their problem, not mine.

Be more human than pragmatic with people

8. You promise, but do not fulfill.

The situation is obvious: if you say something to a person, and even more so promise something, but don’t do it, don’t do it, then you don’t have to worry about why they don’t like me.

9. You spread or create gossip yourself.

Of course, you can get certain dividends by creating and spreading gossip - there will always be a kind of people who like it. In any case, until these gossip do not directly concern them.

But, if you answer the question why they don’t love me, you are able to self-critically answer: Because I am a gossip, a gossip, draw your own conclusions.

10. You are not capable of disinterestedness in a relationship.

That is, if your relationship is built solely on the principle: "you are me - I am you", then you should not be surprised that they do not love you for this.

11. You are not capable of sincere attention to a person.

Even the fact that you do not remember his birthday is not so important, but it is important that you do not pay attention to his well-being, nor to his mood, or to his other life manifestations.

Is it any wonder why you are not loved with such an attitude towards life partners?

When communicating, know the boundaries

12. You behave redneckly - without ceremony and without showing a culture of communication.

Isn’t the obvious answer to the question: Why do not they love me?

13. You do not respect the boundaries of the personal space of your partners in relations and communication.

Usually, people, when communicating with each other, instinctively observe the distance of rapprochement with each other. This is an instinct for self-preservation and security.

But for some people this instinct is “knocked down” - they violate the zone of personal space of other people when interacting with them.

Everyone needs to remember the standards of rapprochement with other people. They differ depending on the type and level of relationship:

- 3 and more meters - the distance of comfortable communication with strangers.

- 1-3 meter communication zone - the distance between people in formal relationships. For example, at work, between people united by common interests, and the like, as they call it, a zone of social comfort.

- 0.5-1 meter - communication zone of friends.

- less than 0.5 meters - intimate communication area - close people, lovers, relatives.

It must be understood and taken into account that, even in the intimate zone, without the desire for the other side, one should not go in order not to ask, then, the question to oneself: Why don't they like me?

Do not count and do not portray yourself smarter than others

14. You do not have a head, but a “house of advice” - you like to give out advice left and right, even and especially if no one asks you about it.

Well, judge for yourself what, then, to be surprised: Why don't they love me !?

15. You like to “load” people with your problems.

You need to understand that the average person has his own problems “above the roof”. Therefore, nobody else needs problems other than those people who want to fuck something from this.

Even if someone flattens you and “feeds from your hands”, showing you love and respect in every possible way, this does not mean that you are really loved.

By nature, most people are jealous and can hardly stand the fact that someone lives better than them.

There is nothing to be done. Although, everyone likes it, "when the rich also cry."

So why, sometimes, from time to time, not show it?

Don’t want to worry, why they don’t like me, in this case? - show others that you, too, are not doing so well and also have problems in life.

And what do you know about the properties of people who prevent them from being loved and pleasant in communication?

Nina Zvereva - They want to chat with me

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Description of the book “They want to communicate with me”

Description and summary of "They want to talk to me" read free online.

When it is interesting, fun, pleasant to communicate with a person - it is a huge, little comparable pleasure. And anyone can become such a desirable interlocutor, a center of attraction in the company of friends or strangers. Everything is simple: there is a universal simple communication formula that allows you to build communication with anyone, and human qualities that attract people. And all this is consistently set forth in the book of a famous journalist and business coach, communications specialist Nina Zvereva. If you do not just read the book, but also complete the tasks, then you will surely have success.

They want to communicate with me

On the cover: Nina Zvereva. A photo Nikolay Shabarov.

I dedicate this book to my children - Nele, Katya and Pete - the best experts in the world: smart, critical and friendly. Without you, my dears, there would simply be no book.

Introduction. For whom and why is this book needed?

Recently, a special evening was arranged at the Moscow School of Management Skolkovo for young entrepreneurs with the invitation of interesting people. They had to find and bring these people themselves.

Now imagine such a picture. With a delay of one hour, an unknown person enters the audience, asks permission to smoke, calmly looks around the room and comfortably settles in an armchair. He does not ask questions, does not seem to be, he does not stimulate communication at all. However, after half an hour, a crowd of young people gather around his chair, who catches his every word, laughs, enjoying the short witty remarks of an unknown guest. "Who is it? Who called him? ”The guys ask each other in a whisper.

In the third part of the book I will name the name of this person. But it is important to recognize that there are people with whom you always want to communicate.

These people can be completely different: charming and not very, funny and not very, educated and not very ... What is the secret? It seems to me that society reacts with interest primarily to those who managed to find themselves and calmly show themselves to other people. Of course, it is necessary that there is something to demonstrate! That is, you need to know your strengths and, accordingly, find a comfortable communication style for you! And you also need to be able to feel the situation, to catch the right moment in order to interest people.

This book is an attempt to help those who have difficulty communicating.

I have many students, and every day I hear words of gratitude from those who were afraid to even make toasts in the family circle. From those who made a presentation on a piece of paper, not looking up from it for even a second. From those who habitually gave the palm in communication to anyone, if only to move to the safe background.

And this book is also for those who can speak and communicate, but understand that any person has something to fix and something to learn. Moreover, the style and method of communication has its own fashion, and falling behind means losing the skill and confidence with it.

The book is based solely on my coaching and journalistic experience communicating with people of different ages, sexes, religions, different social levels and different professions.

How to use this book

I tried to make the book as convenient and working as possible.

Each reader will have the opportunity to test themselves, as well as determine their personal brand and get tips that can be applied in real life.

The book is divided into four parts.

In the first part, I set out the communication formula and gave examples for each part of the formula, as well as tests that will check whether you have well understood the concepts of “goal”, “audience”, “format”, “moment”. The second part - about the first impression - is based on the questions that I hear every day. How to make a voice pleasant for someone else's ear? How to find your own clothing style, is it possible to violate the dress code? How to learn to look in the eyes and make a look appealing? And the third part is a description of the various types, among which, I hope, you will find yourself! And once again think about what your strengths can and should be presented to other people.

I am a professional journalist, my circle of contacts is very wide. I am a business coach and coach, many people of the highest level trust me.

And they are all different in their human qualities and communication style. It is so interesting to watch them!

By the way, I determined the attractive qualities of “communication masters” with the help of special profiles that I distributed to my students of different ages and specialties. So in a sense, the third part of the book is written in collaboration with the students.

And the fourth, shortest part reminds of simple rules, violation of which leads to mistakes that prevent us from falling asleep and greatly complicate our lives.

I hope that my reader will take notes and take this book as a desktop guide to changing their communication style. I hope that the reader will not only think about his problems, but also try to remember friends who are always in the spotlight, and find the answer to the question of how they succeed.

In each chapter, I address the reader with specific questions. Write down your answers in order to return to them after a while - it will be interesting.

This book should become an assistant in the important business of finding ourselves and the best in ourselves - the search that we spend all our life!

There is a formula, and it works!

This part can be called theoretical: it provides the formula for effective communication. Using concrete examples (how else?) I will prove that it works in a variety of situations.

I think you should approach this chapter as responsibly as possible: immediately after reading, try to apply this formula in your life. It sounds very simple: goal - audience - format - moment.

If you consider all these factors, you will be successful in any communication situation. If something went wrong, then some part of the formula fell out of sight.

At the beginning of each chapter of this and the following parts, three questions are given that you will need to answer as honestly and sincerely as possible. For each, you must give yourself a rating on a 10-point scale. If you score 15 points or more, you can assume that you have problems with the topic that we are discussing. Then you will need to study it as carefully as possible!

If you have no problems, then in principle you can skip the corresponding chapter. Although, it seems to me, it is always interesting to find out if your position coincides with the position of the author. For those of you who score more than 15 points out of 30 possible, my advice is: change. If you just read the chapter, draw conclusions for yourself and ... tomorrow you will act the old fashioned way, as you are used to, it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve joyful changes.

At the end of each chapter, I give advice. Treat them carefully. Already several thousand of my students have reported verbally and in writing that they used the formula and my advice and got great results! Use it!

You trust only your intuition when you try to determine the purpose of communication with anyone.

You hope that you understand the purpose of communication during the conversation.

It seems normal to you that the person you are interested in will answer a few essentially different questions: after all, communicating with him is so important to you!

If you collectively scored more than 15 points, this chapter is for you!

Goal-setting is a key concept in various fields. If the person himself is not very clear on the goal, he is unlikely to achieve it. In communicating with people, one must not only be clearly aware of it, but also get used to the idea that you can have only one goal.

For example, during an important event, you saw a person whom you had wanted to meet for a long time. No approach andthose to him until you answer yourself a simple question: why?

Want to just introduce yourself? Make a good impression and leave a business card? This is one option. Want to talk about a project that could be shared? This is another option.

The time for an important person to decide for yourself whether he wants to communicate with you is limited to a few seconds. According to your first phrase, he should understand what they want from him. It is impossible to “jump” from one topic to another, trying to determine which one “pecks” a person. This is unthinkable in our time, when every day in a single resident of the metropolis there are 3,000 different informational messages. A brain is clogged, attention is concentrated only when a person has genuine interest and absolute understanding of why he needs it.

The goals of communication are different: to give information (only when the listener desperately needs it), to impress, to prove his innocence, to offer cooperation, etc. There is a goal to support the company (it is closely related to the goal of impressing).

Keep up to date with the latest book novelties, comment, discuss. We are waiting for you!

Books similar to "They want to talk to me" read online or download full versions for free.

i always did not want to talk, now 23

Maybe you tortured them with something? I have one talkative .. at first she was imposed on me as a friend, and then she began to endure the brains with her whining. I can listen once, well, two, but when the same topic every day.

In general, I later became always busy for her too. And with Dr. by SMS congratulated. In order not to chat.

Everyone polls want to talk. My friends are around 50.

A lot of talkative. More precisely all. And great.

I usually don’t pick up the phone. The annoying people still say why - sincerely I do not understand.

Has something happened to people recently or am I not understanding something? Longtime friends forget to wish happy birthday (although I always congratulate them), do not invite and do not come to visit, such as once (although I invite). I understand everything, it happens once, but is it difficult to find an evening several times a year to meet? Or doesn’t you want to communicate with age (my friends and I are 38)? What about you?

I READY to be the initiator. She stopped calling and inviting and coming at all.

Maybe you tortured them with something?

Yes, I didn’t seem to torment. Communicated for many years. But in recent years, somehow all communication has come to naught. And with different people. It’s just less and less every year, somehow everything fades out. It seems that everyone was simply withdrawn from their affairs and their families. Well, I have business and family, but still I want to communicate with my friends.

So my husband and I have always been the initiators of all meetings with friends. But I’m just tired of convening and collecting everyone. Tired of indifference. It feels like all my girlfriends don't give a damn about me.

There are only one friends who like to chat. But these are husband’s friends.

Same. I READY to be the initiator. She stopped calling and inviting and coming at all.

10. And how to communicate? We are from different cities, for sure.

By the way, once I had the experience of meeting girls from the forum. But somehow no one developed a friendship, although they met several times. Still, old friends, classmates, and casual acquaintances are two different things. I just don’t give a damn about my friends, I wonder how they live, but apparently they don’t.

Why don’t you want to communicate with them? Don't you like chatting at all?

10. And how to communicate? We are from different cities, for sure. By the way, once I had the experience of meeting girls from the forum. But somehow no one developed a friendship, although they met several times. Still, old friends, classmates, and casual acquaintances are two different things. I just don’t give a damn about my friends, I wonder how they live, but apparently they don’t.

I chat with two girls from the forum.

Interesting, not stupid girls.

this means that you are not so interesting and attractive to them.

For many years we were interesting and attractive, and overnight suddenly became not interesting ??))))))

And with friends, everything is the same.

I worried for a long time, tried to blame myself (maybe offended by what? Not interesting it suddenly became with me.)

Well, I live in Siberia. Virtual communication is good, of course, but you can’t replace a living thing, go somewhere together, take a trip.

Do you communicate with them on Skype?

I chat with two girls from the forum. From different cities by the way (I'm in St. Petersburg))) Interesting, not stupid girls. And with friends, everything is the same. I worried for a long time, tried to blame myself (maybe offended by what? Not suddenly it became interesting with me.) And then, I just scored.

Well, I live in Siberia. Virtual communication is good, of course, but you can’t replace a living thing, go somewhere together, take a trip. Do you communicate with them on Skype?

And on skype and vkontakte.

And they came to St. Petersburg, met)))

I never want to communicate with anyone, I do not pick up the phone, I ignore all the holidays. Why not this?

Have you tried to treat long-term depression?

And what is the depression here?

I’m at your age and lately I don’t feel like talking to friends at all. I myself am amazed. I’m not at all interested in their problems, and even more so, I don’t want to tell anything about myself. I like to spend time with family, and I better communicate with people with whom I have superficial relationships.

Was it interesting before? After all, they were friends for many years. I didn’t seem to have changed. It’s strange.

but they have changed, families, children, fatigue and age take their toll

but there are prefixes with communication. Well, they don’t need everything, interests have changed, time has passed, different people.

I am 38, too. There are such sticky friends who just have to "heart to heart" have to tryndet. I don’t need to anymore. I stopped loving this intimate communication. I don’t like to let others into my world anymore. Share problems and pleasures. I have enough relatives . I like to meet with friends once a year on the DR and that’s all. I have enough for a year ahead. Well facebook there, email. Let's have a couple, three messages. Everyone. Take care of your life, fill it with something interesting. Leave me alone. Keep me alone. such a girlfriend had already reached the liver. As she divorced, she directly hangs her soul eyes on others. It makes you actively interact with her. He scribbles letters on the email, calls. He spreads out everything about himself. God, I hang myself from her. I’m not interested in this at all. I’d already have found a peasant and left already a "big friendship "

I was soon 30, five years ago, stopped communicating with my best friend, retired for about three years, after which I forgot how to communicate with people. I don’t know what to talk about on the phone. It seems I’m moving away a little now. But then I had a wild disappointment, and now there are many new friends, we have fun when we don’t need to talk about personal matters and no one complains about anything.

Personally, I quite have enough Skype, Facebook and Vuman, of course)))) Well, what can you do, work and family occupy the lion's share of the time, and there is no desire to raise the fifth point and meet friends and relatives. So, let's have a couple of messages - and goodbye. Remember how Rosenbaum sang: "Twenty years have passed since the weddings, we no longer rush to visit at night looking."

In general, communication at work is quite enough for me. And with old friends I can meet once a year or two, well, okay.

A month later, a distant relative marries his daughter - well, there will be an occasion to get together. I think that relatives will come to their triumph from different cities and weights of Israel. And then the last time we saw about 3 years ago at the funeral of a common relative. As one smart person said: "Relatives are a group of unrelated people who are going to eat something delicious about changing their number."

I am 33, I also have little contact with friends. There is no time, and indeed there’s nothing to talk about. And when there is time, you just want to take a break from the worries and troubles and be alone with yourself. But about 7-8 years ago it was all different, there were joint holidays with a trip to the countryside, tea evenings, etc. I feel all this communication will return when we raise the children in marriage, and we ourselves will be retired

Well, even a year ago, I went across the country to a friend on the ulpan to bury her mother. We meet with her every few years and, as it were, we understand that we should meet more often. But suddenly she called me and said that such grief had happened and there would be a funeral in the afternoon. Strange as it may seem, I picked up after work and went to hell, wherever, fortunately, that I had no planned part-time jobs that day.

yes, and all these outpourings of souls, nifik are needed. Be sure, then everything will turn against you, someone will stick at you with what you once said, told you. I’m used to experiencing everything in ourselves. We meet with one girlfriend once a year, well maybe two, we tell each other only good things, for example, impressions of trips, who was where, who saw what. We see each other even less often (she’s in another city), we can communicate via Skype once every 2-3 months, before everyone poured out to each other, and now I feel and she is cautious, does not tell everything. I am not offended because I do the same.

I stopped talking with a friend who got me. To be honest, I never liked her, she just brought life close once, then I got tired of talking to her, besides being optional, she could be half an hour late for the meeting. On birthday gave unnecessary things. In an instant, she decided and stopped answering and calling her. Another friend said without thinking nonsense, she just for me ceased to exist, like a person when she revealed her essence.

In general, I came to the conclusion that almost all were self-serving people. Maybe a couple of times I came across normal people, but life bred in different cities and countries.

There is such a phenomenon in the last 2-3 years. The country is becoming more conservative. And then, a bunch of people on the networks all the time.

Personally, I quite have enough Skype, Facebook and Vuman, of course))))

too) but for meetings of the time it is a pity. on the road, sit, then back. and there it’s time to sleep, or the day is lost - if you gather on the weekend. and there’s nothing to talk about for several hours in a row, and an empty talk is very tiring.

I can answer for myself. Because now it’s just incredible in scale that people are becoming ordinary. Everyone has an overwhelming herd feeling. It is almost impossible to meet a person who has his own opinion and, moreover, individuality. All behave the same, dress the same, live the same, conduct the same vulgar and stupid conversations, consisting of only stamps. well, etc. The point is to communicate with a person, if I see him for 5 minutes, I know his whole future life, I know what he will say and do in absolute accuracy, because EVERYBODY says so and lives. That's because of this communication is simply not interesting. Even those who are, as it were, individuals - I mean informals - in fact, they also belong to the herd, only to the herd of informals. And again, there is zero personality, because they are exactly like all other informals.

And I have a flip side: they call me and want to communicate, but. ONLY with problems and so for many, many years. But when all is well, they don’t call and do not ask for a visit. The feeling that I am a tank for draining problems and negativity, a free psychiatrist .. I’m morally tired. And recently, I decided by tradition to wish my girlfriend a happy birthday. so she told me, "you know, I’m not ready to accept you .. it’s necessary to prepare for your arrival!" In a word, I handed her gifts, cake, and more. I don’t go to visit her. But as soon as she started having problems, they again call me to visit and call and write. Conclusion: everyone is happy alone. They only want to share problems and expect moral support, but in joy - a girlfriend is not needed. just ask "how are you?" - no need. Consumer of course. but these are they, friends 🙂 This is my personal situation, otherwise I would not mind communicating, but I’m frankly tired of problems only, not interesting and morally tired.

Yes, I have also been observing this situation recently. Do people now somehow more and more think about survival and that everything is “no worse than that of the neighbor,” drafted by them, they gave up spiritual communication? Although, I think, if I didn’t leave for some friends in another city, and others after university wouldn’t leave me, we would definitely continue to communicate with them. And with those who are kind of ready to make contact, communication comes out some kind of artificial, plastic. Even if someone seems to share the innermost, it feels like reading from a book. But basically it’s not that they are closed, but as if they’re afraid of discovering themselves as living people. And the point is not that people are not interested, as he believes "somehow." Interesting, but under this cover, which everyone is holding tightly on - God forbid it will come off. Any person, in fact, is a whole cosmos, which is usually very well manifested in long trips with companions :) And then everyone returns home and puts on masks.

i have absolutely no desire to talk to anyone. I am 22.

What for? Different people have different communication needs.

yes, alas, and so with me. I am 39 years old, have an interesting job, kids. but there is not always time for friends and lately we began to move more and more away. very sorry (. Who would like to make new acquaintances and perhaps draw some kind of positive from communication - let's exchange contact details

41, I am only for it, I generally like new acquaintances, but I do not like to leave my contacts in nete.

i'm glad you responded. we need to think about how we exchange contacts

33, I, too, once upon a time had one university friend - a fish that stuck. After graduation, we talked quite tightly, but forever there was something I needed: I went to rest - bring her this and that, I got a job in the company - and arrange it there, the Americans arrived - organize and meet her try them in English. When I stopped talking to her, she again drew herself and wondered why I had disappeared somewhere, manipulating friendship.

Then I gathered in Israel, and she was glad that she could visit this country with my help. Yeah, schaz!))))) Then more visas were needed. She wrote to me and called with a request to call her under the guise of a relative - she asked her to meet the year 2000 in the Holy Land))))) Fortunately, in the early 2000s, there was a telephone reform in Israel, and my number has changed - since then could not get me, no matter how hard she tried. I don’t sit on social networks, only on Facebook, where I have a private profile - so her chances are minimal. However, I hope that for 13 years she has already forgotten about my existence.

Why do people not want to communicate?

No, there are very few soul mates. I have one close friend in Ukraine since school - I am friends with her. We are really interested in each other, and most importantly, she never imposed and never demanded anything from me. There is simply something to talk about, despite the fact that for 15 years out of 30, 2 seas have been sharing us.

but I think, analyze what I did this ?! But it turns out that people just do not want to communicate. It’s strange, I’m missing friendships

From different cities by the way (I'm in St. Petersburg)))

And then, just scored.

Guest, hello, can I talk to you? I have the exact same situation - I’m reading your lines, I’m just wondering what it can be with other people. I thought only I had such a problem. My mail is [email protected]

The author, I'm sorry, you are lucky that at 38 years old there are still friends and they have a desire, at least sometimes, to communicate. I have such a problem with my friends from the age of 20-23. Now 27 years old, girlfriends from 27-28. In addition to contact and the Internet themselves, they never call, they rarely write on the network. I used to be the initiator too, but once tired and I scored.

Of course, I'm from the rank of talkative, once we all had a difficult period with work, and then we all complained to each other. Maybe then I got fed up with them, but a lot of time passed. For almost a year and a half we have been communicating only on the Internet. And for more they are not drawn. I decided to leave the network so as not to torment myself. Then she recovered again. Getting in. Two wrote to me that where you disappear, we had a depression here. With such a hint that there’s no type to talk to))) I write that I actually have a phone, there is a personal e-mail that I gave them repeatedly. It’s silent. Madhouse, to be honest. I just realized that these people do not need live communication, and I do not need communication on the Internet. This is not friendship, but nonsense. Now I calmed down and rarely go to the Internet. So, after all, some have lost) Why am I retiring and rarely sit there, but at least I wrote something myself. Rave. I put up and scored on these people.

somehow why people don't want to talk?

And so, of course I have friends. But these are most likely fellow travelers: we are friends, we communicate while we live nearby, we work together or study on some course. But one of us moves, switches to another job, or ends our studies - and gradually the communication fades.

About fellow travelers in life - the truth. I took them for friends. None of these are friends. It’s convenient for such people to be friends with you when everything is close by, you don’t have to go to the other end of the city, tear off your ass or call and say something. And if the place of work, place of study and city have changed, then everyone is gone. Well, okay! But it’s much more offensive when the best friends disappear almost from childhood and behave like these "fellow travelers", which makes you think about life)

I remember I came to a friend’s wedding far away. True, my grandmother lives there. She stopped. When I had the same situation, she did not come, motivating it by the fact that I live far, so if I had a wedding in my grandmother’s house))) That is, it turns out she needed comfort, convenience, she didn’t want to spend money, to go somewhere - too. But then I provided all my friends with a good friend at my own expense or I could stay at my house, but no. They don’t want to bother me. What kind of nonsense? For the sake of a good friend, I would have found time and money and everything else. Everyone had their excuses. Then it was very disappointing, but I survived.

People do not want to communicate with me

Somehow I was advised to write my strengths and weaknesses. I did so and realized that I was not so bad. I communicate with people on the Internet. Everything is simple and easy on the Internet. There are people with whom it is just nice to talk. But here in real life, for some reason, communication is not very and I'm sad about it. I am here in the hope that they will help me deal with my problem. I have to communicate with different people in my life. I do not want a situation like mine now repeated in the future.

for example: I see a girl standing alone. I come up and start a conversation (about anything), I just try to talk a little and just cheer or help a person so that he is not alone like me. But when I approached this girl the next day she pretended that does not remember me.

another example: I decided to just talk with a classmate. The conversation turned out, but half of the questions were simply ignored.

I got the impression that choosing interlocutors, you start a conversation, and in the background a light says “no one wants to communicate with me”. Is this really so? It seems that in the interlocutors you choose people who do not want to communicate at the moment or on certain topics and have nothing personal to you. For example, "I see a girl standing alone. I go over and start a conversation (about anything), I just try to talk a little and just cheer or help a person so that he is not alone like me." Perhaps this girl was not alone or she didn’t have needs to communicate, just as she could just be afraid: why did some girl suddenly come up to her and communicate so sweetly ?. It could also be with a classmate: for example, she wanted to think, be silent, and here you are with your conversations. I recommend you read Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Make Friends and Influence People. Good luck.

Strange, but I noticed that it’s easier for me to communicate with guys than with girls. And I don’t like it very much. Yes, I like the guys’s attention, but I also want to talk with the girls.

For example: I talked with a classmate about computer programs. and I heard classmates discussing me at that time, that I understand something better than them. I was not pleasant, all the more this was said in a not very good tone.

From the beginning, I thought that they envy me, but then I thought, maybe I’m really strange, not like that.

To be honest, such gossip annoys me.

Why do people not want to communicate with me, a person with a mental illness?

HELLO. I AM 32 YEAR. I DISABLED 2 MENTAL DISEASE GROUPS. BUT BY VOICE AND GAIT, ME CAN BE DISTINCTED FROM THE OTHER. AT SCHOOL I LEARNED BETTER SOME. BUT EVERYTHING IS EQUAL, FROM MY CHILDHOOD I DIDN'T FIND MYSELF AND CANNOT FIND NORMAL SOCIETY AND FRIENDS. Lots of people LAUGHED FOR ME BECAUSE OF MY EXTERNAL SIGNS AND MANIFESTED TO ME FOR THIS SOCIAL HATE. BUT I WOULD NOT BE LONELY TAKING TO FIND MYSELF AND FRIENDS FOR YOURSELF - BUT THIS IS NOT SO SIMPLE.

IN THE LAST TIME, AT LEAST AND EVERYTHING IS NOT LAUGHT FOR ME - ATTEMPT AND I AVOID COMMUNICATIONS WITH SUCH PEOPLE - I AM ALL EXAMPLES TO EXTERNAL SIGNS FROM THE OTHER. A LAUGHING BECAME LITTLE ONLY BECAUSE THEY RECOGNIZED WITH AGE. BUT I FEEL THAT EVERYTHING IS EASILY DIFFICULT TO ME IN SOCIETY. Despite the fact that I have more than 1000 people in my social network, Plus, there are many familiar ones who do not have their presence in social networks. BUT FROM THEM OF ALL I HAVE A LITTLE SUCH PEOPLE WHICH COULD BE CALLED FRIENDS.

NOW, I AM MUCH ALL WRONG THAT SOME WITHOUT EXPLAINING THE REASONS DO NOT WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. AVOIDING COMMUNICATION WITH ME UNDER THE SIGHT OF EMPLOYMENT AND OTHER EXCITATIONS. Although I am EXPRESSLY SURE that they simply do not want to communicate with me under different masking sentences. And to UNDERSTAND THE REAL REASON FOR THEIR UNDESIRABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME DOES NOT RESULT. MUCH WHY THAT HIDES THE REAL REASON.

Certainly, not all people act with me, but everything is equally offensive. I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG AND ANYBODY. I AM MANY WITH GOOD AND INCREASED COMMUNITY, BUT I CAN'T FIND THE REASON THAT TO REMOVE IT, I CAN'T BE DUE TO THE SECRET OF THESE PEOPLE. WHAT DO YOU ADVISE?

TheSolution psychologist answer:

You ask why other people can stay away from you. Exactly, of course, the reason can be called by these people. You can make some suggestions about why communicating with you is uncomfortable. But these are just assumptions that may find their confirmation in reality, but may not be found.

The first reason that can cause hostility is a violation of the boundaries of the individual.

With personality defects and a personality shift, mentally ill people cease to feel what and who can be said and what cannot. The problem is the familiarity of communication, when unfamiliar people are addressed as close relatives. They don’t feel the situation is appropriate, they forget to contact you, for example, someone who is older. They can call at night and talk about how things are for two hours. Or obsessively call another person, not realizing that he does not want to communicate.

The second reason is fear of mental illness.

The second reason that can cause fear of communication with mentally ill people is the fear of an unpredictable and unkind attitude. Fear of seeing psychosis. Fear of contracting a mental illness, although this is not an airborne infection. The desire to close oneself from communication with a mentally ill person may be the result of feelings of anxiety and the desire to make your environment comfortable and predictable.

I understand how painful it is for you to notice how people shy away from you. Nevertheless, if possible, try not to lose heart. If you have friends who treat you well despite your illness, be friends with them.

Are you in a difficult life situation? Get free and anonymous psychologist advice on our website or ask your question in the comments.

Greetings, my dear readers! Recently, a friend of mine told me that my daughter approached her with a question: why do people not want to communicate with me? The girl is friendly and sweet, but contact with people is difficult for her. Today I would like to talk about why acquaintances can avoid communicating with you, what are the standard options for mutual hostility and what to do about it, how to win people over.

External factors

I want to start with external reasons why people may not want to communicate with you.

There was a boy in our school who constantly smelled bad. Classmates bypassed him, the girls made fun of him and no one wanted to sit next to him in the classroom. Yes, the children are cruel, but no one could directly tell him that he smells bad. But even in adulthood with such a phrase, they are unlikely to suit you. And the smell, meanwhile, plays a very important role in communication.

If it is impossible to smell strongly of garlic, onions or other aromas from a person, then it becomes impossible to stand next to him, especially in the heat.

Start with your looks. Look around, look in the mirror. It’s unpleasant for many people to communicate with untidy and sloppy people. Dirty, bitten nails, shoes in lumps of dirt, holes in clothing, a dirty head. All this repels.

If you notice that people try to bypass you and do not come too close, then I recommend starting with the exterior. Look at yourself from the side. After all, all this can be put in order, get rid of unpleasant odors, repair clothes, bring nails and hair in proper form.

Do not be upset or hang your nose. There is no situation from which there would be no way out. Especially in appearance. Everything is fixable!

Intrinsic factors

Is everything perfect in appearance? It smells good from you, it even smells good, you always follow your shoes, your nails are clean and neatly trimmed. What could be the problem then?

If the problem is not in appearance, then we are looking for repulsive moments in our behavior. A friend of mine was constantly humiliatingly joking. For any phrase, he gave out a completely inappropriate joke. No one wanted to offend him, so over time they just talked less with him. And I at one time could not stand it and explained to him all the stupidity and inappropriateness of such jokes in communication. He listened.

Maybe you, like my friend, like to joke at any successful and unsuccessful case? Remember, humor is good and great. But it should not be vulgar and vile, should approach the time (a spoon way to dinner) and should not offend anyone.

My client has a girl at work who constantly sticks her nose in other people's affairs and certainly gives advice. She acts as a kind of guru who can find a solution for any situation. But no one asks her for these tips.

If you like to give out tips, then start a blog where you will describe situations and propose solutions. Act differently in life. Only when you are asked to express your opinion, only then open your mouth and give advice.

Narcissism and self-obsession scare people away. Nobody likes to communicate with people who constantly talk only about themselves. We want us to pay attention, ask questions, take an interest in our life.

There was one guy at our institute who only did that boasting of his successes or complaining about his failures. He constantly interrupted when it came to someone else.

Each participant in the conversation deserves equal attention.

If you have the opportunity, ask your friends to record a general meeting on the video. After all, sometimes it is not possible to adequately evaluate your behavior. But to look at yourself from the side on the screen can be extremely useful.

Maybe you are gesturing too much and it disturbs others, or you spit during a conversation, or really only talk about yourself.

Patterned pairs

There is such a thing as prevailing stereotypes. Mother-in-law and son-in-law, daughter-in-law with mother-in-law, former spouses, new wife and ex-wife, and so on. They are composed of jokes, winged expressions, proverbs and sayings. Of course, there are cases when everyone lives in peace and harmony, but it also happens that people, for no apparent reason, hate simply because their status is necessary for each other.

One of my clients communicates wonderfully with all of her former partners. Once, she caught her man with another young lady. She did not start a scandal or a tantrum. She just calmly talked and said that it was time for them to leave. A woman always tries to stay in good relations with the former, because for a long, or not very long time, they were happy together.

Basic rules of communication

Remember that everything is fixable. Today people shy away from you and do not want to communicate, but if you work a little on yourself and you will become the soul of the company. Let's talk about simple principles that you should definitely adhere to when communicating.

Friendliness and friendliness. Smile more often. Be polite. This captivates the interlocutors. Only not flattering and deliberately, but naturally and naturally. If you smile, then do not do it through force, it will be noticeable and scare off the interlocutor, leaving an unpleasant aftertaste.

Do not be rude, do not humiliate others, do not enter into conflict, do not provoke a quarrel. If you feel that now blurt out something superfluous, move away and breathe. Calm down and only then return to the dialogue.

People love being called by name. Frequently contact your comrades, ask questions about their life, work. And many love to tell about themselves. Use it wisely.

Learn the rules of etiquette. Behavior says a lot about a person. Does he keep a personal distance, at what point does he give his hand for greeting and to whom does he give that hand, does he open the door and so on.

Why do you think they don’t want to communicate with you? Causes in appearance or in your behavior? Have you met such people with whom it is impossible to communicate for a long time? How did they push you away from themselves?

Work on yourself and you will surely succeed!

I don’t know where to start by telling my story. I once had everything normal until the 8th grade, and then my mountain abruptly went down. And right now, when I go out with friends, they don’t even communicate with me. For example: I Yury Popov and Yegor Popov went to Yuri’s garage and all the way while Yura and Yegor walked, talking to each other, and I paid no attention and when they came, they also didn’t hang out and I sat alone for 3 hours then left the city and went for a walk. And rarely do anyone speaks with me. I am ashamed when I am stupid, or even dumb. And feelings that no one is unnecessary. I wanted to leave 9 months forever, but I couldn’t and can’t do it until my heart stops. I can’t tolerate this kind of communication with me.
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Vladislav, age: 05/17/2013

Feedback:

Why do you even need such friends? It’s better to be alone than with anyone.

From Flame and Light, age: 05/23/2013

Perhaps the problem is in you. Do not try to like someone, but do what you like. Have hobbies? Perhaps you have little in common with these guys (the interests are not the same) ... Rejoice at life, learn and explore the world around you and that's it it will be wonderful, people themselves will be drawn to you. Do not expect someone to meet you, you yourself must prove that you are an interesting person. Start with study, sports ... just a little ...

World, age: 05/18/2013

I read your story, Vladislav. Believe me, what you described is far from the worst thing, many teenagers go through it, and you definitely should not leave this life because of such a trifle. In general, not everyone has real friends. For example, in my teens, I had no friends at all. And I spent my free time on books, watching movies, computer games and other interesting hobbies. Maybe you should find yourself something to your liking and stop wasting time with people who don't care about you? And then, maybe, go to university or get a job and you will have normal friends with whom you will have common interests.

Lisa, age: 05/22/2013

Vladislav, where are you going? So young. Your problem can be solved, only here you have to work on yourself and everything will be ok. You write, your friends don’t communicate, and you yourself, how do you communicate with them? Or walk in silence. If you walk in silence, it turns out that you don’t communicate with them. In fact, it’s not friends with us, but we are friends, they don’t communicate with us, but we communicate. It’s hard to imagine that you are talking to your friend, telling you something then you ask, and he is silent in response to this. Sociable, cheerful people always have many friends. Live for yourself, take care of self-development eat, learn better. If you are interested in yourself, then others will be interesting for you, and vice versa. You should be needed first of all. Do you read books? Read more. Psychology especially read, this will help you understand the reasons of your problems, and solve them. Learn jokes and tell everyone. You now need to think more about learning, and not about Yuriki, to become, respected, well-off ... Do you have a goal in life? Who do you see yourself through so many years 10. At your age, of course, I want to walk, not to do business, but nothing good will come of it. Work on yourself, then everything will work out.

La, age: 05/30/2013

Vladislav, hello!

Once I was in the same position as you. I remember myself from kindergarten ... there was always one ... children for some reason did not play with me ... I do not know why. Then school .. bullying began, I was a very quiet girl, and could not give back ... I studied badly too ... no one understood me at home, moreover, with all this loneliness - my parents abused alcohol ..

I walked alone, most often. Constant bullying of peers, misunderstanding or pity of relatives and neighbors .. drove me further and further away from them ... into my inner world. I knew that when I grow up, I never want to be like these people around me, I always wanted to be better than them, brighter than them, more interesting than them.

My friends — there were books — and they gave me a lot of knowledge. With knowledge, I became more interesting and more confident in myself. People (peers) already began to reach out for me ... and here I already decided with whom I would communicate and with whom I would not ...

Bottom line: I have a wonderful husband. Great family! I am the director - I have my own design studio. Many interesting people are interested in me.

I built my life completely from scratch, without anything behind me, do you understand me?)

How you build your life You ... only your choice.

Margarita, age: 05/29/2013

That's right, and don’t communicate with them, Vladislav, why such "friends". There will still be real ones, what are your years ... And it is not true that nobody needs you! Needed, parents, God. Give them your love.

Lena A, age: 05/05/2013

Vladislav, you are wonderful if you are able to worry like that. Many are so stupid that they don’t feel the world, they don’t feel like a drum ... Therefore, they do not hesitate to blur up stupidity or do something stupid. They just don’t worry about this ... Loneliness is an opportunity to listen to yourself, to understand yourself. You have a period when you become a man from a boy, and he is always difficult ... I want self-affirmation, but, believe me, all this will be! And of course, your loved ones really need you, they just don’t know how to say this ... And you will also really, really need those who will meet in your life .. Everything will be fine with you, try it, learn how to do something better than your friends - ride a bike, juggle, push ups - anything! You respect yourself for this, well, buddies naturally. Good luck to you and more humor in life. Everything is not so tragic !!!

Hope, age: 05/06/2013

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