The main problems in the relationship of elderly parents and adult children are solutions. Bad relationships with parents. What to do? Many letters

In many families, there are conflicts between adult children and parents. Most often, this is a conflict between an adult daughter and a mother. As for the sons, usually they have their own lives, their own interests, they move away from conflict situations, fathers also try to eliminate themselves from disputes and quarrels.

But for mothers and daughters, the situation is different; they often have claims to each other. Why it happens?

As it was before

We humans belong to the natural world. How are relations between generations built? Parents raise cubs until they grow to the size of an adult and learn how to hunt and get their own food. After that, the parents part with them, and the children begin their own lives. More parents do not meet with their offspring. They start other cares, the female gives birth to cubs again, feeds them, protects them, teaches useful skills so that they can get food and take care of themselves.

The same picture existed among the people. Every year women gave birth to children, fed them, looked after them, taught them the skills necessary in life. And then they became assistants: they did the housework, worked in the field, helped raise the youngest children.

Mother did not mess with teenagers. She already had a new baby, and she was engaged in it. And older children rather quickly began an independent life.

Common: single child

In modern society, everything is different. Often the child in the family is the only one, so all attention is paid to him. Parents are shaking over him, worried, suddenly something will happen to him. From here appears hyper-custody. Chad is not given the opportunity to show independence, to learn to cope with life's difficulties.

The selfishness of the children that we raised

Our children grow up selfish. We are ready to do everything for them. Since childhood, we rush to their aid, we fulfill their requests, our whole life revolves around them. Children get used to the idea that parents exist solely to fulfill their desires. Mom and dad must always be ready to help, support, help out, save.

Intervention in the life of children

Some parents (often mothers) actively intervene in the lives of children. They believe that they have the right to tell them how to live, whom to choose as partners, when to give birth to children, what to spend money on, etc. Parents give unsolicited advice, not realizing that their children are adults who live their own lives, their own destiny and want to dispose of it at their discretion.

Mothers miss the moment when it is time to leave the role of a mentor and become a tactful friend who does not intervene when he is not asked.

In fact, children from parents need only one thing: to know that they are alive, healthy, prosperous, do not need, live their life and are happy with it. And most importantly, to know that parents are always ready to drop everything and come to the rescue if the children call them.

And when parents begin to crawl with unsolicited advice, express their opinion on any occasion, it is very annoying to the children.

If it seems to you that your children are doing something wrong, realize: this is the fruit of your upbringing. You gave them an example with your life, with your actions. They have absorbed everything that you gave them in your childhood, and now they are realizing it in their life.

Inability of mother to live her life

Moms of adult children often do not know how to live their own lives. In order to fill it with its own meaning, it is necessary to make efforts, create a circle of friends, find interesting activities. There are many possibilities for this: creativity, a healthy lifestyle, fitness, work, part-time work, trips, at least not far etc.

If your life is full of meaning, children will respect you more. On the one hand, perhaps they will sometimes reproach you why you are not completely committed to them. On the other hand, if they see you as a person, it will inspire respect from them.

In short, don't go to extremes. We must try to maintain a balance between our lives and our willingness to help children when necessary.

Many are annoyed by older people.

There is one more nuance that is not customary to talk about. Many are annoyed by older people, as they belong to a different generation, they have a different mentality. Sometimes they seem backward, non-modern (although, perhaps, in fact, this is not so!). Add here the reduced physical capabilities of older people.

All these reasons explain why it is difficult for adult children to find a common language with their parents. But be that as it may, it is necessary to seek a compromise, smooth out acute angles, and find common ground. The main thing is to respect and try to understand each other.

The problem of “parents and adult children” is relevant at all times. Relatives are not chosen, and often communication with them is burdensome and causes negative emotions. Parents are offended why the child has moved away from them. It happens that relationships with parents come to a standstill, especially when parents try to dictate their requirements and do not want to accept that the child has matured. This is especially true when children live with them.

Often, they don’t understand what actions offend or injure children. And the matured children themselves sometimes do not realize the reasons why it is difficult for them to communicate with their relatives. We offer a list of the most common signs of “toxic” parents.

What are the signs of a bad relationship with parents?

1.   They instill in you a constant sense of guilt.

Parents inspire you that they have fully fulfilled their parental duty - and now it's your turn to take care of them. Often parents are convinced that relations with children are like a contract: they raised you, fed, dressed, taught, spent their time / money / effort on you. Now that you’ve grown up, it’s time to return this duty - to devote all the time to them, fulfill assignments, provide and so on.

But, no matter how rude it may sound, giving birth to you was their decision. Life has been given to you, it’s true, but you don’t owe anything to anyone. There is no contract, and each parent chooses how to live and raise a child. The sacrifice referred to in the accusations “I spent my whole life on you” and “how much I have invested in you, where is the gratitude” - they are absolutely groundless.

Respect, appreciate, care for parents - yes, this is important and necessary for loving children. But to sacrifice yourself and your life, as "sacrificed for you" - this does not fit into any framework. In this case, the relationship with the parents becomes strained, because they are waiting for something, and children often do not understand what it is. Moreover, times have changed and now children have much more difficulties than when the state supported young people. Take real estate for example. Most got her at work for merit. Children certainly cannot see such happiness. So it turns out that before people lived with the flow, and today children must survive in market relations. And when relations in the family with parents are strained - this is a disaster.

1.   Parents require constant attention on your part.

They call with or without a call, ask a lot of questions and give a lot of advice - often inappropriate, for example:

• "You are warmly dressed? Be sure to grab a hat and a scarf ";
• "What did you eat? Why drove into a cafe, eat better than home! ”;
• “Why go to the cinema, you can watch at home, why spend money?” Etc. etc.

If you are angry, they are offended, they begin to “hurt”, and you feel guilty. This is a simple manipulation that repeats itself over and over. The child feels guilty that he made his mother worry - and does everything as she wants to not upset her. This is fraught with the fact that all your life you will fulfill the whims of your parents - and they will use you.

It is necessary to break the “mother-child” relationship by establishing healthy adult relationships. Become a friend, but not a servant to your parents.

1.   They depreciate you.

Your actions, hobbies, work, achievements are criticized. With their comments, parents lower your self-esteem, and present everything as if you and your actions are worthless. It is suggested that you are a loser.

Parents can make fun of you, scoff, mock, not believe in your successes. This is often associated with a sense of competition - when a child, for example, is more successful than a parent. Or when the daughter is beautiful, and she has many admirers - and the mother subconsciously envies her child.

Dad says: “Why did you buy a car? You drive like a monkey. ” Or a mother to her daughter: “Have you gone to dance courses? But you don’t know how to dance at all. Here I am in my youth ... ”and off we go.

This behavior is frustrating and degrading, because parental support and participation are very important to the child. The most important advice is to block these attempts to insult you or humiliate you, not to prove anything and not to justify yourself, not to be led by the negative emanating from your parents.

1.   Put their worries on you - in other words, behave like children.

Mom calls and asks for help - repair the tap, change the light bulb, choose a sofa, set up the Internet and so on. Parents can and should help - but they should not use you as an ambulance for any small assignments. Mom and dad know - the child will not refuse, why not ask him (to bring potatoes, walk the dog, fix the TV, etc.)?

It is one thing - important circumstances, for example, a parent cannot do something for health reasons, and quite another - to manipulate a "child", thinking in this way - "why bother, I’d better ask my child." And the "baby" rushes to help for any trifling occasion, pushing their concerns to another plane.

It is necessary to filter their requests - after all, such behavior and the transfer of parental problems to children is often provoked by the children who have already grown up, who always and everywhere obey their parents.

1.   They use the information received from you against you.

Parents first ask you for information. In moments of revelation, you share with them. But then this data is used against you. During quarrels, they remind you of your misconduct, reproach, or even blackmail.

Nobody will like such a “knife in the back”, especially from loved ones. Confidence is lost and I want to talk less. Not to be frank and not to report too personal information will be a good way out of the situation.

1.   Interfere in personal life.

There are two options. First, they are against the device of your personal life. Parents cut off all your potential partners, sometimes inserting absurd comments like:

• “She doesn’t value you at all”;
• “I do not like his beard”;
• "He is too serious, probably a bore";
• "She does not know how to cook your favorite cheesecakes";
• “She smiles so wickedly - she must be a money hunter.”

At the same time, your dreams and desires are not taken into account. Parents subconsciously fear that you will leave the parental nest. If they continue in the same vein, and the child (in fact, an adult uncle or aunt) listens to them, then it is likely that he will not arrange his personal happiness.

If you have already decided on your life partner and are happily married / married, then another story begins - constant raids on your home. This is a tough control - whether socks are washed, dishes are washed, dinner is cooked, and in general, what you and your passion do all day. This leads to quarrels and scandals between spouses. It is important to fight back, and to show that personal life is only for two people, and no one has the right to get into it. If you behave this way, then you allow it. But there is a way out - clearly and politely outline the boundaries of your space and show that you are an adult and do not tolerate interference in the construction of your life.

There is also the opposite behavior - attempts to marry a child, matchmaking for the son of a friend or for the granddaughter of a colleague. Parents say things like “when will you get married” or “I want to get to know my grandchildren already”. Do not follow their lead - suppress these “good” attempts, answer for your actions and your choice yourself. But such antics are not a bad relationship with parents; rather, it is just an occasion to seriously talk about the problem.

The same applies to your friends, work, and pastime - you can listen to advice, but you must make decisions yourself. If parents still crawl with and without comment, criticize what is important to you, devote less to the details of their personal lives.

1.   You live in the same territory, and even possibly - at the expense of your parents.

It is not normal that parents continue to provide an adult child. It is not surprising that in this situation he does not have the right to vote, everything is decided or controlled by his every step for the child. After all, in fact, he grew up, but remained under their care.

If there is no possibility of a separate housing and you live with your parents, you still have to earn your own living. The cost of food, utility bills, household items - all this divided in half. Make your contribution so that your parents understand that you are an adult. Then at least they will not be able to get into your life with inappropriate directions and advice. You must have your own budget and your own personal territory.

If in one of the points you learned the behavior of your parents, do not despair. This does not mean that you need to break off relations with them.

Important:

• A) recognize the problem;
• B) discuss it with parents if possible;
• C) or try to correct the situation yourself.

You cannot change your parents - so start with yourself.

Change your attitude to the situation, show that you are an adult and do not let yourself be offended. Do not fall for manipulations and emotional blackmail. If communication is unbearable - reduce it to a minimum, stop attempts to charge you with negativity and take care of yourself more.

You can also:

1. Read books on this topic, for example:

• “Hear Your Parents” Elena Tararina - an excellent guide in the form of questions and answers about family relationships;
• “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward - breaks down destructive parental behavior and offers solutions to these problems;

1. Watch a video about interpersonal relationships, go to trainings. Here is some good info.

Do you have any family relationships? Do you only get acquainted with problem men? You know that you can do a lot, but again and again rest against the invisible barrier of fears? Have you been tormented by anxiety, depression, or apathy for years? Can't you find yourself? You give all of yourself to others, they do not respect you and do not value you? Do you have a bad relationship with your teenage child? Do you live with a deep sense of your own inferiority and inferiority?

All serious problems in our lives are rooted in our childhood. It was there, in the early years of life in early relationships with our parents, that we made all the most important conclusions and decisions about ourselves and about life. These findings are unknowable. They lie in our soul much deeper than our thoughts about ourselves. This is not what we think, this is what we feel about ourselves. These conclusions formed the basis of our basic beliefs, which unknowingly affect all our decisions and choices, determining our destiny.

How important am I? Can I be myself or do I have to play the role of a kind and obedient girl? Do I feel the need to be independent and modest so as not to bother anyone with my problems? Should I always be strong? Is the world around cruel and do I need to survive and fight in it? Can I trust men? Do I believe that you can love me? Or am I living with the feeling that something is wrong with me, that no one needs me, and they will definitely leave me? Do I take on the excessive burden of other people's lives because I feel that "if not me, then who"?

We brought all these sensations from childhood, namely from the family.

The way we felt with our parents determined how we now feel with everyone else. From parents we learned and believed that we can or cannot; capable or incompetent; beautiful or not; smart or stupid; whether we have the right to love, success or happiness. In other words,   parents laid in us self-esteem - the foundation for evaluating themselves and their abilities.

WHAT MAKES PARENTS TOXIC?

What is the main thing in the relationship between parents and children? Acceptance, understanding and support for development. In other words, the task of parents is to give the child roots and wings. But in some families, parents give children a sense of love, security and importance. And children grow up feeling loved, good, strong, capable, smart and beautiful. They believe in themselves and that they have the right: to be themselves, to want, to try, to decide, to make mistakes, to try again, to change decisions. These children grow up with permission to feel all emotions and feelings: get angry, upset, rejoice, fear, trust, love, express what does not suit them.

And in other families, parents give their child feelings: fear, debt, shame, or guilt. Such children grow up with the feeling that life is a struggle and that people cannot be trusted; with a sense of inferiority or worthlessness; with the conviction that happiness, love, or financial well-being is not possible for them. They grow up with fear of expressing certain emotions and with inability to express their true feelings. They live angry at the world, or try to earn love by playing some role with which they are so merged that they do not even understand that this is a role.

If you are from these “other” families, then this article is for you. ———

Such parents have inflicted enormous damage on your self-esteem by regularly criticizing you, blaming you for everything else, physically or emotionally abusing you, making you take on too much responsibility, stifling control and super-custody, ignoring or manipulating your feelings. You grew up in an atmosphere of misunderstanding in the family. Parents did not understand your thoughts or your feelings. Your desires and choices were wrong, and your dreams stupid.

All children of toxic parents have similar symptoms: low self-esteem, which pushes them to self-destructive behavior. One way or another, they all feel unworthy, unloved and inadequate. A frightened and powerless child continues to live in their soul.

It is important to understand that all parents are living people with their emotions, problems and mistakes. No parent can be perfectly calm and loving all the time. Sometimes parents can raise their voice, spank or ignore the child. Do they make them toxic? Not. Children can easily endure outbreaks of parental irritation, provided that they usually also receive love and understanding from their parents.

Toxic parents are those who are not able to give the child feelings of love, significance, respect and security, who scold, not praising; push away without bringing it closer; hurt without sympathy.

The child is weak, helpless and dependent on parents. Therefore, it is extremely important for him to feel his own and belonging to his family. He must believe and trust his parents. In a way, deify them. Which is impossible when the parent humiliates or repels you. Therefore, in order to remove this insoluble internal conflict in one’s soul: “I must love, but I can’t”, children of toxic parents unknowingly remove the guilt from their parents and take it upon themselves. They accuse themselves of abuse (I angered my father) or a cold attitude (I offended my mother). They rationalize this terrible attitude towards themselves, coming up with excuses for parental cruelty, physical or emotional, to their actions and behavior: mom was just sick all the time; dad was very tired at work and he had to relieve stress; there were three of us, my mother just did not have time for me.

It is much easier for a defenseless child to blame himself for doing something “wrong” that angered his dad than to realize the terrifying fact: you can’t trust dad, the defender. Or that mom may not love me.

Such children grow up, continuing to carry the burden of guilt and inadequate perception of themselves in their souls. And this lack of self-confidence in chains keeps them from success, close trusting relationships with a normal partner, health and emotional well-being.

MECHANISM OF DESTRUCTION OF CHILDREN'S SELF-ASSESSMENT AND FAITH IN YOURSELF

When we were little, parents were everything to us. A source of love, protection, shelter, food and warmth. A child cannot yet compare or evaluate what is happening, so his parents seem perfect and omnipotent in this big world full of dangers, with them we feel protected.

In the second and third years of life, we begin to become aware of our desires and unwillingness, to demand and refuse. We practice our independence: “I myself!” And the will: “I do not want! I won’t! ”We grow up and more often we want not what our parents want for us, we do not react in the way they would like, in other words, we become more and more separate individuals. The process of separation from parents continues, reaching a peak in adolescence. At the age of 13-16, we come into conflict with the values, tastes and authority of our parents, opposing them with our own.

In an adequate family, parents, having a normal self-esteem, react calmly to this and are able to pass through such conflicts with understanding, continuing to educate their children in independence.

Toxic parents perceive children's disobedience and manifestations of personality as a personal attack, an insult and a threat to their authority, their opinion of themselves, or their role. They zealously defend themselves, emotionally suppressing children, cultivating addiction and inability to independence in them. Instead of helping the child become an independent person, they subconsciously slow down him, being firmly convinced that they are doing the best. But, in fact, they destroy the child’s self-esteem.

Should parents be blamed?

They often say: “Parents cannot be blamed!” Let's figure it out. Blame, perhaps, really, is not worth it, neither yourself nor others. But parents are responsible for what they did. Your life, for the most part, was shaped by circumstances over which you did not have the slightest control. And, the truth is that you are not responsible for what you did to you when you were a defenseless child. But you are responsible for what you are doing and will do now in order to change your life. And you can do a lot of things! But more on that later.

WHY FORGIVENESS DOES NOT WORK

A big trap along the way is pseudo forgiveness. Alas, the Internet is full of advisors to do meditation to forgive your parents. Such “forgiveness” blocks the release of repressed emotions. How to admit that you are offended by your mother if you have already forgiven her? These people are very clearly visible: they are still in emotional pain and reaction, but at the mental level they always repeat: “I have forgiven my mother for a long time!” Only here their reactions, actions, emotional inadequacy and psychosomatics show the opposite.

Parents were responsible for what they did to your baby soul.  And responsibility is never a draw. She always lies with someone. If, having forgiven, you removed it from your parents, then you automatically took it upon yourself. In this case, you, yes, can forgive your parents, but in return you will hate yourself even more.

Such pseudo-forgiveness leaves a person with depression and guilt for any reason. Why are we so addicted to the idea of \u200b\u200bquick forgiveness? Because we all want a quick magic pill: so that once and everything goes away: the relationship has improved, the migraines have passed and a happy end has come. We do not want long therapy, work on ourselves.

But without deep understanding, without connecting with your suppressed and repressed feelings, there can be no real forgiveness. Finally, we need to feel the anger that has been accumulating in our soul for years. We need to cry grief over the fact that our parents did not give us love. And it is absolutely necessary to stop pretending that the harm done by the parents does not mean anything.

The pardon “forgive and forget” in reality means “pretend that nothing happened”.  But it happened, and sits in the soul with an inflamed splinter, and determines how you live, how you feel and what kind of relationship you choose.

One can truly forgive only one who wants to be forgiven, who takes certain steps to win forgiveness, who takes responsibility for their deeds and is looking for a way to atone.

And if your mother continues to treat you badly, deny your feelings, continue to blame and criticize you? How do you imagine forgiveness? Do you plan to forgive her again and again after every telephone conversation? Or forgiveness means for you to remake your soul at once and not feel pain or anger where you need to feel it? Because nature has not in vain endowed us with these emotions. They show us a harmful effect on us. They protect the integrity of our soul. How, exactly, do you plan not to feel it? To mortify your soul?

Perhaps now you are having a chilling question:   “So should I do if the relationship is bad, live my whole life in grievances, bitterness and anger?”  Not! In fact, everything happens the other way around. You do not need forgiveness if your parents are not ready to change.

Relief and release, both emotional and mental, will come after you:

1. He will work his resentment and pain, connecting with his unexpressed feelings.
2. Place responsibility for what happened where it should be: on the shoulders of the parents.
3. Realize your childhood conclusions and decisions about yourself and life that still rule your life.
4. Separate in your soul yours from the parent: opinions, reactions, beliefs.
5. Learn to psychologically correctly resist the destructive emotional flow from the side of parents (or those who behave in the same way, for example, the husband), using today's resources of an adult. Because you are no longer helpless and not dependent!

PARENTS ALREADY DIED, WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO SUFFER?

You can break off relations with mom or father. You can not communicate with them for years. Your parents may have already died. But the bitter truth is that You continue to be under the control of your parents after their death.

Psychological prohibitions, instructions, criticism, expectations and threats of parents have long been internalized and become your own. They have become the voice of your inner critic, the voice of your fears and continue to act. “What if I can’t succeed!”, “I cannot help but do it!”, “I do not deserve it!” - it still sounds in your head to this day.

WHY WE AGAIN AND AGAIN GET THIS INJURY

Children of toxic parents, as a rule, recreate and repeat the traumatic experience of childhood relationships in one way or another. Children from alcoholic families marry alcoholics or drug addicts. Children of the Controlling Mother .   Children of an emotionally cold mother - .   Children from a family where rudeness was the norm are married to a rude man who disrespects them.

Why is this happening? The familiar and familiar dynamics of relationships brings us a sense of convenience. We know the "rules of the game." How to behave and what to expect. We can manifest ourselves and deserve love in our usual way. It hurts, but it's a familiar habitual pain.

But most importantly, we unconsciously recreate conflicts from the past, in the hope of resolving them in the present. We did not understand in childhood how to get the love of a mother or father. With this eternal question burning us, we walk through life. And when we meet a person who is a suitable candidate for reproducing the dynamics of childhood relationships, we fall in love with him. Literally at first glance, we intuitively guess that this person will NOT love me just like my mother or father did not love me in childhood, and we have an irresistible impulse to draw close to him, which we confuse with love. Deep in our hearts, we hope this time to solve this puzzle and prove to ourselves that we can be loved.

TYPES OF TOXIC RELATIONS

Let us briefly look at typical situations in which the child is placed. And a relationship that poisones his soul day after day and lowers his self-esteem.

Child Rescuer

This is a child on whom the burden of caring for others fell off very early. About a mother who was depressed, about an alcoholic dad or younger brothers and sisters, because parents could not cope with their parental responsibilities. Such a girl will feel that her value is solely in caring for others. She received less love, warmth and care. And she adapted to earn them by the fact that she, sacrificing herself, takes care of others. “If I don’t take care of him, who will do it?” Is the motto of such children in adulthood. These women marry those who will need to be taken care of. Alcoholics, drug addicts, men incapable of anything, men with chronic depression, daffodils and sociopaths - this is what she will choose from.

Invisible child

When parents don’t care about the child. When they are not included in his feelings, problems, desires. The child grows fed and dressed, but in an emotional vacuum, feeling its complete insignificance. He quickly learns that it is not worth stressing his parents with his presence and his problems, that his feelings are unimportant. He early becomes independent. But he grows up with a sense of his insignificance. Such people can be successful in their careers, but are rather unhappy emotionally. They feel emotional loneliness: that they have no one to rely on, they cannot ask for help, they will share their feelings.

Abandoned child

The departure of any of the parents creates a particularly traumatic feeling in the child of lack and emptiness. Remember, yes, when something bad happens in a family, most children blame themselves? Children of divorced parents are especially committed to this idea. A father or mother who disappears from the life of a child inflicts damage on his self-esteem, which in adult life he will pull on himself like shackles. Such a girl grows up with a fear of being abandoned, a fear of betrayal, of treason. She does not trust intimacy. She is afraid of intimacy, as for her intimacy carries the threat of pain. And she will unconsciously choose such partners with whom this scenario will be played out again and again. Moreover, without suspecting it, she herself will provoke her partner to break.

Baby is a victim of excessive control

Imagine an imaginary conversation between an adult daughter and her controlling mother. This conversation will never take place. But if you could hear what is happening in the soul of both, here is what you would hear:

Adult daughter: “Mom, why can't you leave me alone? This is unbearable, no matter what I do, in your opinion, I did badly! When will you realize that I'm already an adult? Who cares what I’m going to study at the institute? Who will I marry? This is me to live with him! And not for you! Why do you act as if everything I do, I do against you and to you in spite? ”

Controlling mother: “I can’t convey the pain and emptiness that I feel when you move away from me and I become unnecessary to you. I really need you to need me. I can’t bear the thought of losing you. You are my whole life. I am horrified at the thought of those terrible mistakes that you can make. If you hurt yourself, it will ruin me. I'd rather die than admit the thought that I had failed in the role of mother. I have nothing to live for! ”.

Anxious and controlling parents do not allow the child to hear themselves, explore their desires and opportunities, try, make mistakes, overcome difficulties and become stronger. They hide dominance under a beautiful mask of care. Fear of becoming unnecessary pushes such a mother to try to do everything so that the child constantly feels helpless. Because when a child becomes independent, such parents feel betrayed and abandoned.

As a result, the children themselves become anxious and scared. It's hard for them to grow up. And take responsibility for their actions and for their independence. As a result, parents continue to take an active part in their lives, manipulate them, and often subjugate the life and choices of an already adult child.

Phrases:   “I say this for your own good”, “I do everything exclusively for your own good”“Mean only one thing:“ I am doing this because the fear of losing you is so great that I am ready to make you unhappy. ”

Control is backed up by blackmail, threats and accusations: “Do as I say, or I don’t talk to you anymore / I won’t help in money / slag with heart attack”, “Can you do anything alright?”

The child of the controlling parents feels helpless and worthless.

Another form of supervising parents is "helpful." Such a parent does everything to become "indispensable" in the life of his adult child.

Baby comparing parents

Another variant of toxic relationships is when parents compare children with each other so that the child feels that he is not doing enough to win the love of parents.

The consequences of this method of education: the destroyed self-esteem of the child, jealousy of his brother or sister, resentment or anger at them and at their parents in a relationship for life.

A child in the family of alcoholics

The child’s life in the family of an alcoholic is poisoned by shame for the parent and the need to live in a lie. The reality perceived by the child is bent at once by three things:

1. The denial practiced by the alcoholic father himself in relation to his drunkenness.
2. Denying the problem on the part of the mother, who apologizes to her father under pretexts such as “Dad drinks to relax,” “Dad got sick,” or “Dad lost his job because he had a bad boss.”
3. The farce “we are a normal family”, which family members portray in front of the outside world.

This triple lie forces the child to deny his own perceptions and feelings. It becomes almost impossible for a child to develop a sense of self-confidence if he must constantly lie about what he thinks and feels. The child lives in constant fear, in order not to accidentally betray his family, not to reveal a common secret. In order not to risk and not to betray family secrets, such children avoid making friends, become single and isolate themselves.

Child with a taken away childhood

In some families, the psychological role of the child is already taken by the sick or infantile mother or alcoholic father, who are emotionally unstable, irresponsible and themselves need constant care. In this case, there is no room left for any other child in the family, and the child has to assume the role of an adult. A person grows up hyperresponsible and does not allow himself rest, joy and desires.

Treasure baby

Such a child is placed on a pedestal of parental expectations and investments. He has no right to his life, he lives up to expectations and works on parental ambitions. He is merciless to himself, demanding from himself the constant achievement of unattainable goals, bearing the burden of parental approval. It is unbearably hard to be the meaning of someone's life, when a person has no other meanings.

The child is a competitor

Normal parents are happy and proud of the achievements of their children. But competing parents feel left out and inferior. Their way to increase self-esteem is to belittle the child. When a child grows up, demonstrating his mind, beauty and abilities, parental self-esteem based on a sense of superiority is at risk. They do not admit to themselves jealousy for their own children, but protecting themselves from feelings of their own inferiority, they severely devalue all the achievements of children.

Perfect baby

Such a child lives in an internal prison in which his every movement is criticized and gets better. Parents constantly report what he did wrong. He is constrained by fear to act. Such a person grows up with three consequences of such an upbringing: perfectionism, pro-castration, and paralysis in actions.

The child who was not needed

“It would be better if you were not born!” - sometimes these words are not spoken aloud, but this is exactly what the mother feels towards the child. The child lives with a load of understanding that his birth was not desired, he broke his mother’s life or career, because of this she did not have a relationship, in general, that in this family, and therefore in life he is superfluous.

Protracted depression, suicidal tendencies, alcoholism, drug addiction or enthusiasm for extreme sports are quite common in adult children of such parents.

DIAGNOSTICS: HOW DO PARENTS INFLUENCE YOUR LIFE NOW?

Children of toxic parents continue to be somehow confused in parental networks. The situation when a person is “caught” emotionally manifests itself mainly in two ways. You either constantly yield to your parents in order to calm them, betraying your own desires and needs; either rebel. But you are “caught” in any case, because your parents continue to have tremendous power over how you feel and how you behave. If you continue to react emotionally, you continue to give them power so that they can piss you off and thus control you.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you think your parents could not live without you?
• Do you believe that if you could convey to them how much harm they cause you, they would behave differently?
• Do you think that if you confront your parents, you will lose them forever?
• Do you think that if you tell your parents the truth (about divorce, about abortion) you will kill them with this?
• Do you feel guilty when you do not live up to their expectations, cause them inconvenience, do not follow their advice; argue with them; Are you annoyed at them, do not enough for them, or say no to them?
• Do you feel fear when they shout at you, are offended, or when you need to tell them something that they may not like?
• Do you feel annoyed when they criticize you, try to control you, say how you should live, try to tell you what you should think, feel and how to behave?

Which of the following two types of behavior is characteristic of you?

Subject Behavior:

• I often obey my parents, against my will.
• I do not tell parents about my true feelings.
• I pretend that everything is fine, although this is far from the case.
• I often pretend, and speak only about superficial things.
• I often act under the influence of guilt or shame.
• I try very hard for my parents to understand my point of view.
• In a conflict with my parents, most often, I am the first to reconcile.
• I often sacrifice what is dear to me to keep my parents happy.
• I continue to keep family secrets.

Aggressive behavior:

• I constantly argue with my parents, trying to prove that I'm right.
• I constantly do what my parents don’t like to prove that I am independent.
• I often do not hold back and raise my voice at my parents, insulting and cursing them to prove that they cannot control me.
• I got tired of everything and I cut off communication with them.

If even 3-4 of the above features of behavior are characteristic of you, then confused and complicated relationships with parents continue to be a problem in your life.

How to get rid of the legacy of toxic parents

You can do a lot to free yourself from the heavy burden of guilt and self-doubt inherited from them. And, if your parents are still alive, you do not have to break off relations with them. Emotional independence means that you can be part of a family, but at the same time a separate individual. It means that you can be yourself and let your parents be who they are.

Your task: break the emotional umbilical cord and become emotionally grown up and free. And this means allowing yourself to have your own opinions and beliefs. Allow yourself to behave as you see fit. Separate your thoughts and beliefs that work for you from your parents. Learn the balance between caring for yourself and caring for others. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings. Allow yourself to be yourself, and parents to be what they are. But learn to protect your feelings and your life from emotional attacks of parents. Establish healthy boundaries that safeguard the integrity of your soul.

This path is neither quick nor easy. There are no magic pills that would remove all destructive programming of your consciousness in 1 day. But this path is worth a walk. Because behind it are the most valuable things in your life, without which happiness is impossible. Freedom of choice. Emotional independence. Self confidence. The freedom to be yourself. The opportunity to build, already in your family, close, warm and trusting relationships. Because, alas, unhealthy patterns of communication are now hurting your children. And even when we recognize parental inadequacy and swear an oath: “I will never be like this with my child!”, At best we will go to the opposite pole of inadequacy, to overcompensation. And from the criticizing parent we turn into the all-forgiving parent, from the non-included, into the super-guardian. And the curse of dislike is passed on to the next generation.

This path is also difficult because in today's Internet space there are a lot of tips leading to regular emotional traps. These are the advice of rebellion and confrontation; pseudo-pardon tips with denial of your feelings and breakup tips.

Psychologists Answers

Hello, Victoria!

Your parents often criticize you. Perhaps they are confident that these are their parental responsibilities - in this way to help the child choose the right path in life. You are already tired of this criticism, you lose faith in yourself and the desire to communicate with your parents does not increase either.

Your request is how to respond confidently to criticism. When you learn to respond to criticism in an adult way, then your parents will have to reconsider their attitude towards you.

Allow yourself not to live up to the expectations of your parents. Recognize that if they are unhappy with you, you will somehow survive it. Recognize that the purpose of your life is not to get parental approval. This is a children's goal, you have already grown out of it.

Allow your parents to be imperfect. Criticizing, grouchy, irritable. After all, their goal is also not to live up to your expectations. Such an attitude towards parents is also childish. And you grew out of it too.

Learn, when you are criticized, respond with a position on a position, and not emotions on emotions. For example, they tell you: "Well, what kind of work is this! The salary is small, and far from home." You can go into emotions and answer: “Well, you always criticize me! Say thank you that at least such work was found! Do I have to sit completely without work ?! !!” What will happen next - you already know.

And you can answer in a different way. "I understand that you think that the salary is small and far from home, and that there are better jobs." This is the first part of the answer. A signal that you understand the interlocutor. And now the second part. Your position. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion of the interlocutor, and what grounds do you have for your decision. For example: "I, too, am not entirely satisfied with this work. I am sending out resumes to other companies. In the meantime, there is no other place, I believe that experience and experience should be gained." Or: “The salary, of course, could have been bigger. But I like the team so much that I still work here.” Or: “For a specialist of my level, the salary is quite suitable. In order to pay more, you will have to gain experience.”

This is a description of WHAT to do. But HOW - this is for personal consultations, if you suddenly realize that you yourself can’t do this. And if you manage, it’s wonderful, then you are ready for such a relationship.

Good luck!

I ask for advice - first of all, for people with a psychologist’s education, I will also be glad to comment on “causal relationships” and the philosophical aspect ...

I have a very bad relationship with my parents. The prehistory is such that Mom’s dad was the first and very beloved, but after a few years of married life he began to cheat and humiliate him morally, as a result of which they divorced. I was about 5 years old. For mom, of course, this was a strong moral trauma, she began to drink and smoke. Divorce supporters supported, as a result, most of my childhood memories come down to their drunken curses and howls in the kitchen, often I could not fall asleep and was terrified to listen to this all night long ... Soon she began to get along without interlocutors, she just drank and talked in different voices herself with me ... It was scary. I grew up, but the picture did not change. All child support (which my father regularly paid) was drunk. Grandmother fed us, but I lived with her for half the time - all the holidays, weekends. When my mother left for earnings in Moscow, it became easier - I myself could manage child support. But then she returned, began to claim these unfortunate pennies, and I was already about 15 years old, and I was not going to give anything back. We began to fight. At 16, I left home, I began to live in my free grandmother’s apartment. I talked with my father, he began to give child support. It was better than with my mother, but I almost didn’t eat, I lived in very poor conditions - nothing worked in the old apartment, neither a shower, nor a toilet, nor a stove, herd of flocks, but I ate for a year and used the toilet only at school .. Mom didn’t care. If she did, then quarrel or demand money.

Then I entered the institute and left, and she left for Moscow - again to earn money. By the way, nothing of the earned was brought, everything was eaten, drunk there. I began to live an adult life, studied, worked (because dad helped, but very little). My dad and I were friends, once, when I was 13, he drove me to the sea. On weekends, when I returned to my city, we often saw each other, he treated me to a cafe - for me these were real little holidays :) But ... once, having enslaved me more diligently than usual, including a martini, he brought me home and slept with me ... I am writing this because I was not only in a state of extreme intoxication, and besides, in such shock that I simply could not resist ... At the same time, he told me that he had been dreaming about it all his life .. Then I ran away, and later we began to communicate as if nothing had happened ... We did not raise this topic ... But as you know, from I’ve lost for myself, and a friend in his face too ...

When I met my husband, he took me under his guardianship and the need to communicate with my parents disappeared. But still I invited them to the wedding, my father arrived and even participated in the expenses. Mom didn't come. When the first child was born, it was hard, and my mother often called, they say she’s bored, so I invited her to come to help ... She arrived for two weeks, at first held on, and at the end she began to drink secretly, and seizing the moment when my husband went on a business trip, threw a huge scandal, screamed at the whole house, cursed me, and all this with a newborn grandson !!! I couldn’t do anything, I was ashamed to turn to the neighbors ... The next day my husband returned and took her to the station ... By the way, the child now has neurological problems, and who knows if this is not an echo of that night.

Our second child was born, and mother and stepfather earned enough money in Moscow to move to our city. They said that they had settled down, they want closer to their grandchildren. We helped them find and buy an apartment, arranged a mom for work, started bringing their grandchildren to them, they kind of stopped drinking ... But yesterday a new incident - he calls drunk and swears ... My father and I are to blame for all the troubles, etc. . In the morning he calls as if nothing had happened, asks to borrow money. I’m no longer able to talk to her, I’m afraid to give them children!

We don’t communicate with his father either, at first he came to his grandchildren, but then he stopped, and also called. Have not seen him for almost 2 years. The elder remembers him and often asks ... I'm sad ...

What is it? The test, my cross, my task for this life? If so, then I can’t solve it yet ...