Firstly, they do not know how to do it differently. Interestingly, most people coming to psychotherapy seem to learn from scratch to recognize their needs and turn them into requests. Secondly, if you just ask, they may refuse. And the rebuke is designed so that the one who is being manipulated most often does what the manipulator wants from him. Thirdly, reproaches help to remove the burden of responsibility for the situation. Reproaching, the person as if speaks to another: “It is you so bad, but not me. I’m certainly not to blame for anything. ”
Finally, reproaches help to raise my own self-esteem: against the background of another, I have “nothing yet”. Children are reproached because of the inability to cope with their feelings and clothe the needs for words, adolescents - also because of the need for greater distance.
Why do we respond to reproaches?
Probably because they got used to them from childhood: “Well, what kind of child are you? All children are like children, but you ... "," You again upset your mother with your behavior ... "," Well, what kind of a slut you are! "," But Masha is a very obedient girl! Not like you!". Reproaches trigger the familiar mechanism of guilt and shame in us, the feeling that we are bad. In order to urgently become good, correct the situation, get approval, we are ready to do what they want from us, even if we don’t like it.
What do adults usually blame mothers for?
1. "You sit at home, do nothing ..."
The birth of a child naturally leads to a redistribution of roles in the family and, often, the idea of \u200b\u200bwhat these roles should be in the new circumstances does not coincide with the spouses. Mutual accusations of misunderstanding and non-fulfillment of duties and obligations arise. Moreover, as a rule, due to insufficient understanding of what is desired, mutual claims mask the need for love, attention, recognition or sympathy.
It makes sense to discuss with the husband the current situation - to give him the opportunity to talk about what life and distribution of duties would be preferable for him, to tell about his preferences in this regard, to describe in detail how your days go, and be sure to set aside time for joint leisure.
2. "You do not communicate with your children" and other instructions in the spirit: “If it were my child, I would ...”
For a young mother, such a phrase, of course, will cause resentment and irritation, possibly also a feeling of guilt and doubt. After all, she sounds like a reproach and makes you feel like a bad mother. Therefore, instead of this phrase, it is better to say: “And you do not want to try to do it differently?”
If you become a hostage to such statements, defend your borders and gently say that if you need advice, you will contact, but for now you will manage it yourself.
3. Offensive comparisons: “Valya cooks better or does everything in time”
It’s also a way to make mom feel guilty. In most situations, it simply does not have the right to exist - Valya may be older, of a different temperament, with a different nervous system, surrounded by four helpers ... For the advisors, erect an invisible barrier. It is not necessary to go into conflict, but your child is only your business.
4. “You look completely tired”
The constant chores and worries of caring for the family take a lot of energy. A woman gets tired and does not look at all 100%, so there is no point in once again reminding her of this. If you heard such words, then think, perhaps the "well-wisher" really wants to take care of you and then it is quite reasonable to ask him for all possible help - for example, to sit with your child while you go for a massage.
5. “Do you work?” Yes, your child is overlooked as the grass grows ”
An interesting study was conducted in America: it turned out that the children of working mothers earn 23% more than the children of mother housewives. Why? Children absorb and develop business skills, growing up, which ultimately affects success and better wages.
The study found that 33% of the children of working mothers take responsibility and adapt to different situations better than others. When free time is given, mother always spends it with her child, and is most useful for both. A good time with a child is always remembered better than time wasted. Children of working mothers learn to appreciate every joint moment, and they appreciate it much more than children of housewives. One of the most common mistakes parents make is the habit of comparing themselves to other parents. The best parents are those who do not pay attention to the methods of parenting other parents. They just do everything they can do well.
What do children usually blame for mothers?
1. “I will not eat it. It's not tasty…"
Similar words can be spoken out of anger or tiredness. You may have gone too far with pressure on the child and anxiety that he will remain hungry. In this case, you should definitely say that you are offended to hear this, because you tried, but at the same time leave the right to not have the child. Remember that you do not need to cook another meal, otherwise you will become the object of constant manipulation.
2. “You raised me like that”
Maybe you made mistakes in the upbringing (you punished too harshly, did not pay enough attention), but you sincerely tried to make your child happy. Here we can say that you did everything that was in your hands, the rest is in the hands of your child, he can change his life, develop, grow.
3. “You never loved your father”
Similar words are spoken by children in families where there is a conflict between parents. Presumably, the phrase was uttered by virtue of identification with the father with whom the child does not have enough communication, so his figure is idealized. You can say about this: “I know that dad is important to you, and I hear your anger. When you cool, I’ll tell you more about our relationship. ”
4. "You did not give me enough love." “You ruined my life. You are not my mother. "
Most likely, any mother heard these words at least once in her life. The phrase "I do not love you" is said even by three-year-old children who are angry with their mother. It is important at that moment when feelings are overwhelming to remember that these words are spoken on emotions and are not at all true. At the same time, it is important for the child to communicate what it feels like to hear to you, and together try to figure out what needs are behind rudeness.
Hello dear readers of my blog! One of the common problems in family relationships is when a mother manipulates an adult daughter. Such interactions cannot be called healthy and harmonious. Manipulations can be arranged in different patterns, a girl can guess about them or not. In any case, it is necessary to try to leave this kind of relationship, to change it in a more healthy and harmonious direction. How to do it?
To be a puppet
Agree, no one likes when they manipulate him, indicate what to do, put in a dependent position. But parents have some power over their children, which they can use at their discretion.
Often the mother is so flirted with her role that she puts her daughter in complete dependence on herself and does not allow her to breathe freely without permission.
The psychology of manipulation is control, in the dependent position of the driven person. You can act through the financial side. When parents support their child financially and the mother forces them to do one or another action, backing it with financial encouragement or punishment.
In addition, often an adult mother manipulates her health. If the child does something wrong, then her head immediately begins to hurt, stabs in her chest, gets pinched under her ribs, her knee is different, and so on to infinity.
The manipulator chooses the most important aspect for you and puts pressure on him. Resentment is a kind of manipulation. When a person is offended by your act, he thereby wants to show that you need to apologize to him, ask for forgiveness and in every way please, so that this does not happen again.
A friend of mine knows how to manipulate her mood perfectly. As soon as she is a little sad, you immediately begin to entertain her, pay attention and in every possible way show interest in her.
Sometimes such behavior is not always noticeable, skillfully hiding, not so obvious. But it is systematic. This is exactly how you can track the manipulation.
When the same human reaction forces you to do something against your will, then most likely this person is trying to force you to commit an act on purpose.
If you are a little more careful, you will definitely notice when they try to control you.
Tear off the patch
I will say right away that the outcome from solving this problem can be sad. When a person loses his power over another person, he is disappointed, angry, offended and may even stop communicating.
I met such stories quite often in my practice. When a girl gets rid of her father’s control, for example, he, angered by the loss of control and power, decides not to communicate with her anymore.
But communication with parents is important and necessary in life. Which strategy to choose depends on what you ultimately want to achieve.
- To keep my mom calmer and think that everything is still under her control,
- so that she finally understands that she no longer has power over your actions,
- so that you can establish normal and healthy communication and so on.
To begin with, you yourself need to understand what in the end you want to achieve. Sign up to me, we will analyze the problem together and find the most acceptable solution.
When a person manipulates another person, he thereby shifts responsibility. After all, the action itself is not committed by him. To instill in a person a sense of responsibility is extremely difficult, especially in adulthood. After all, everyone considers themselves smart, educated and knowledgeable people.
One of the features of mothers: I know better, I’m older, I’m wiser, I have more experience. The most common reasons why you need to do exactly what your mother requires.
The surest way to stop the manipulation is to stop being conducted on them. Do not do as the situation requires, but act according to your own understanding and common sense. Of course, a sharp change will be perceived very painfully and anxiously. Attempts to control your life may not stop at the beginning.
Over time, attempts will become rarer and may eventually come to naught. But what kind of reaction your mother will have in abrupt disobedience is not known. It is necessary to be prepared for absolutely any outcome. In order for you to commit this brave deed, I advise you to familiarize yourself with my work "".
Difficult conversation
One option is to talk directly with your mother. I have always believed that when two reasonable people speak honestly, openly and without subtext, they can agree and solve any problem. It is important to understand whether you and your mother are capable of such a conversation.
Your task is to explain that she presses you with her manipulations, controls your every decision and does not allow you to live on your own. You must clearly and clearly state your position. That you no longer want to be in a dependent position, that you are not satisfied with the total power on the part of the mother, that you want to make decisions yourself.
The conversation should not be elevated, no insults and threats. These are just the methods of manipulators. If you notice them from the mother, directly indicate. Say that even now she is trying to control you. Say what you are losing due to her interference in your life. Clearly state your thoughts.
Of course, it will be good if you prepare in advance for this conversation. Write all your comments on a piece of paper, try to predict the possible reaction of the mother, and find suitable answers for your part. You can practice with a friend or spouse.
There are mothers who do not know how to talk at all, do not hear anyone but themselves, are absolutely sure of their innocence. What if you have just such a case? My work "" can help you in this matter.
In addition, let's look at some options that you can resort to if the conversation does not help.
Make the royal gambit
When a simple and frank conversation does not help, you have to resort to various tricks.
One of my clients, for the benefit of her mother, simply agrees with her, tries to avoid sensitive issues, accepts all her advice, but acts in her own way. Mother is calmer because her daughter agrees and her daughter is relaxed because mother is not nervous about every trifle. There is such an option to stop the "brain removal" from the side of the parents.
Another option is to prove that mom's advice does not work. When you constantly think that everything is doing wrong, your mother is constantly dissatisfied with actions, you can try to do exactly as she says. A couple of misses and it will be possible to adjust her advice in accordance with the experience.
If you are financially dependent on your parents, then you urgently need to become independent in this regard. Find a job, stop taking money from your parents, then they will not be able to dictate their rules to you. While you are in bondage, you will be a direct object of manipulation.
If a mother brings you a brain on the topic of relationships (why you don’t have a husband, children, it's high time you got married and so on), you can try to avoid this topic. To transfer the conversation in a different direction, a more interesting topic for the mother.
The main thing that you must understand is that you are an adult and an independent person. No one can dictate your own rules to you; you build them for yourself. This is your life and only you can manage your resources, time and other things.
Learn to say no when you don’t want to do something. Become more confident. Do not take judgment to heart. Remember that each person has his own opinion and to be good for everyone you will not succeed, this simply does not happen.
I suggest you to familiarize yourself with one of my works "". Learn to be in harmony with yourself, understand your goals and objectives and confidently go towards them!
If you can’t find answers to questions that are important to you and are afraid that the problems you are having cannot be resolved, sign up for a Skype consultation to me.
Share your story. Tell us about your relationship with your mother. How does she manipulate you? What tricks does he resort to? On what topic is she trying to control you? How do you fight this and what are you doing?
Believe in yourself!
It is difficult to build a relationship with a mother who believes she knows better how you need to live. In her opinion, you are doing everything wrong: you work, drive a car, raise children, dress and just live. He constantly makes poisonous remarks and insists on what and how to do.
Criticism instead of caring
When she is nearby, you are suffocating and are at a platoon. In these minutes, I want to shout: “Stop criticizing! Leave me alone!". It’s hard when mom constantly wants to be as she said. You try to be silent, not pay attention to her nit-picking, but it only gets worse.
In response to silence, he will look at you with a heavy reproach in his eyes and stop talking, making it clear that he was offended. And he will remain silent until you ask her forgiveness. And if you express your opinion, she will begin to prove her case. You continue to insist on yours, - he says, choosing such words so that his heart is pinched.
It is not clear how to behave with her. You are silent, but she is offended. Speak your mind - angry. Trying to calmly talk - does not understand. Why does my mother act like that? Tries to change you and your lifestyle. Offends and criticizes. After all, when they constantly say that something is always wrong with you, you inevitably begin to think: “What if I'm really not like that?”
Who likes to criticize?
There are people who seek to get to the bottom of the essence. They are meticulous and meticulous. They like to clarify and carefully disassemble every detail of everything that they study. They are assiduous, slow, able to notice the tiniest flaws and imperfection. Possess excellent memory and analytical mindset.All these properties were given to them in order to accumulate information, separate the grains from the chaff, and teach the next generation the acquired knowledge.
As explains System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlansuch people possess anal vector. A vector is a specific set of innate properties, desires and abilities that shape a person’s character, habits and behavior.
For owners of the anal vector, it is important to ensure the quality and accuracy of the transmitted information. By focusing on details, flaws and errors, they become masters of their craft, perfectionists .
Criticism and criticism, two sides of the same coin
Man with anal vector prioritizes purity and purificationfrom the "dirt". Seeks to find a drop of tar in a barrel of honey. Applies constructive criticism, which helps to bring any business to perfection and benefits.But when such a person experiences resentment, he accumulates internal dissatisfaction and tension, which turns into frustration. Frustrations change direction from "clean" to "dirty." The desire for cleanliness is replaced by mud shedding . Man becomes stubborn, his you will not argue.
In a state of stress or frustration, he often uses the words of a toilet vocabulary. Can humiliate, stain, criticize. Just to prove your point. At the same time, it may completely not own the subject in question. Carries a drop of tar in a barrel of honey and enjoys this process.
He is inclined to experience not only social, but also sexual frustration. With a powerful libido and lack of pleasure, he builds up tension, which manifests itself as aggression and criticism.
Having made his venomous remark, he receives temporary relief. But, after some time, it becomes even more aggressive and cruel. It splashes out the newly accumulated portion of dirt, choosing such words to prick it even more painfully. It is useless to argue or prove anything to a person in this state.
What if mom constantly criticizes?
The reason that your mother is constantly criticizing you is not in you, but in her condition, which brings a lot of negativity not only to you, but to herself.It is most difficult when there is no way to stop communicating with such a person. In this case, to confront and maintain peace of mind will help understanding the state of the mother. Awareness of the features of her character and psychological state allows you to objectively see the situation. Change your reaction to baseless criticism and poisonous words that drive you to despair.
Join the free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan to find out the answers to your questions and restore peace in the family. Registration here: http://www.yburlan.ru/training/
Article written using materials
I am only 15 years old. Many (almost all) children at my age consider themselves adults, they are allegedly building serious relationships with people of the opposite sex. I don’t want this, in my heart I’m still a child, I don’t play dolls for a long time. \u003d) But my problem is not this, but in my relationship with my mother. She constantly humiliates me, insults me, says that I am not a person, but an animal that no one needs. In addition to scrambled eggs, porridge and pasta, I can’t cook anything, and when I ask you to teach me something, she starts screaming that I’m a fool and it’s useless. In the seventh grade, I was very worried about this and completely stopped learning. Mom reproaches me for this, says that I still won’t go anywhere because I'm a fool, and I don’t need to study. Now I want to take up the mind again, but I can’t, my thoughts are that it’s useless and that I’m wasting my time. As a result, homework is not done, and a deuce in the magazine. Now I always think that I'm worth nothing, that I am weak-minded, that there is nobody worse than me. Due to self-doubt, I became complex and stooped, I developed scoliosis. Now, my mother humiliates me and reproaches me even more, she says that because of the stoop, no one will marry me and I’ll be sitting on my mother’s neck, since I can earn money (supposedly I will not have a worthy profession) .
I understand that I have become so insecure because of her reproaches, but I can not do anything about it. What should I do? I do not know how to be...
Daria, age: 15/31/2012
Feedback:Dasha, I think you are a good girl and you will understand me, and your mother too.
Now many families have it when their parents humiliate their children and they become flawed.
I will not say anything new. A couple of days ago I read a similar story that some of your failures are the same age. Wrote a rather lengthy response. You can read it.
Soon I will work as a child psychologist \u003d)
But you will see what you write.
Serious relationship. I doubt them. They can be years after 20. Adults, a serious and informed relationship. And so, this is the first game of hormones, which is perceived as love. They are preparing for a serious relationship all their lives before marriage. And you can say this period now begins. And your 15 years is not a small age.
I believe that you are correctly thinking about the “supposedly serious relationship”, which is not very serious, but it’s like a need to feel and live it. And high hopes and disappointments, which will also come from the game of our imagination. Well, it’s like, for example, when you fall in love, you think that you love a person, but in fact you love the person whom you imagined in your head, that is, you attribute to the mistakenly beloved those qualities that you think you see in him, idealize. All this illusory nature gradually subsides, as the fog dissipates and after some time you see a person as he is. And here you can already fall in love for real or not fall in love. Consciously.
Your mother does not see in you a girl and a future bride, woman and mother. From the adverse effects of the time that I experienced in my young years.
Very sorry for her. Do not blame her for this, it was her upbringing. She doesn’t know many things, and she lives in her world, embittered by herself and by you and others, restraining herself often with strangers and breaking into you.
I will tell you a terrible secret about you and her. When parents endlessly humiliate a child, they say a fool, a fool, you don’t know anything, an idiot and so on, then it will be so. This is bad news.
And now good). You thought about your insecurity in time and know its cause.
Here is a tip. Try to “put a mirror” in those moments when she speaks of you as unnecessary, an animal. That is, imagine some kind of animal that lives daaaleekoooo in Africa, which really no one needs, that it only harms the local people there, to which only a sense of condemnation arises. But this animal is not you, it is daalekooo and has nothing to do with you. That is, when she begins to scold the animal, you imagine him, and now she scolds him for some reason. And you can laugh at him \u003d).
So aggression will not go to you, but will be mirrored to the side. And you don’t have to worry. After all, they do not scold you!
About the cook. This question seems technical to me.
One option. You can ask friends who work as waiters in cafes, there is work in the kitchen itself. Initially, they take a trainee and a small salary. After training, they are transferred to the assistant cooks. But this is how you grow up, mature, our sweet girl \u003d).
Another variant. If you have the opportunity, and if not, ask your friends to download video cooking lessons from the Internet, I did it myself. There they will show and tell. Everything is in a format that almost any DVD player will read. If there are friends who use the computer at least a little adequately, then they will do it once to spit.
About the study. It is not a fact that high school grades and grades in general guarantee quick wits and further contribute to success in life. But not without them. It’s necessary to train the brain, it’s useful, it’s useful to read books, even fiction. They develop imagination, as if later it helps to approach creative tasks differently. It is not surprising that such people are few now \u003d).
Here I am observing such an interesting thing now. There is a big goal. Reaching it in a short time is unrealistic. To this goal leads a gradual, phased path. You can achieve a big victory only by winning a lot in the small. And Having gained experience in this, the goal will be achieved.
And doing nothing is not an assistant. You are still in school now, and it seems that you need to enjoy the holidays and adult life, when you can fool around, be a child. This legal period of life, as it were, bypasses you.
Do not focus your attention on the negativity that is pouring (I want to say to you, but it will not be right) in your direction. Think more about the fun moments that you had in dealing with your friends and friends.
And you are no fool. Look for interesting opportunities in terms of plastic development. Watch on the Internet videos of skaters, athletes and other athletes, now they are very much in the subject of the Olympics. A beautiful figure is real, you just need to want it, you have absolutely nothing to lose in your lovely 15 years, I think you are a nice young girl to think about yourself wrong \u003d).
I cannot think, I am a failure, I am not worthy of anything - it has been instilled into your consciousness for many years, in different situations you are looking for subconsciously confirmation of these words, which is why you have a desire to do something at all.
Your fate is in your hands, not in the words of your mother, nor should you hate her.
According to some of your words, I see that you have a character, only you don’t see it, you can’t see it, feel for it and lean on it from the fact that your eyes have been put on glasses that are cloudy to almost full white. Take them off. You have everything, you just need to lift it as if from under the sand.
Once again, it’s good that you see the reason for your insecurity. You already have options, what to do?
Find and act, don’t think that you are worthless, a young man will come up to you somehow and don’t reject him, don’t think that you don’t need him, that the relationship is not for you. To communicate in a friendly manner, to find a common language, to have a good time is not harmful to anyone.
passerby Konstantin, age: 08/21/2012
Daria, hello.
I am writing to you, hoping to help. I am also Daria's mother, she is now 17.
First, not everyone dies early in adulthood. My daughter doesn’t date anyone, although a very attractive girl, and I’m not a hypocrite, would allow it. I always say that the more complicated the person, the longer the childhood. You need to grow up. So that everything is fine with you here. Marriage age is 18 after all?
As for study: again from "our" experience. Graduation can be raised in six months from scratch.
In general, I want to say that other people close are like our mirror. We look at them and see what we are. Your mother, of course, is wrong in this case. But most likely she has her own complexes, she compensates them, belittling you.
And you need to grow, learn first to independently think, and then build your life.
Start with small steps. The road will be overpowered by the walker.
Galina, age: 38 / 01/08/2012
Thank you very much, passer Konstantin \u003d)
Daria, age: 02/15/2012
Hello Dasha, in fact, Konstantin correctly stated everything, but I will add a little from myself.
These thoughts about the fact that you are stupid, you will never be able to form an inferiority complex in you, but (!) Don’t be scared, because these are your thoughts and you yourself have the right to manage them. Psychology is indispensable) I’ll try to explain more simply, there is such a thing as a “stimulus” and “reaction”, in your case, the rebuke and humiliation of your mother act as an irritant, and on the other hand is your reaction to it and you have the right to choose it yourself, accept what you are told is bad and to become discouraged or to reject and develop your personality (as again Konstantin advised about, watch video tutorials on cooking, physical exercises for plastics or find something else interesting, some hobby that will be useful to you in the future). Returning to the topic of irritation-reaction, we are people unlike dogs (in which to develop one reaction to the stimulus, what Pavlov did) we have the freedom of choice, which is built on self-consciousness, conscience and independent will, that all this creates our independence, that is, although we are in close relations with our parents, we still People themselves can choose their own path, so I advise you to choose your own path, do not repeat parental mistakes, but try not to be mad at them, but look into the future with optimism and positive, everything is in your hands, only as you decide and there will be, whoever says anything, if you do not believe in reading the biographies of successful people, not all of them had everything smoothly at the beginning in childhood, and they often achieved success not because of, but in spite of, because they went their own way, were independent of others opinions and believed that they could achieve what they want, and also helped a belief in God, because He loves all of us and helps when he was sincerely seek for help.
As for relationships with the opposite sex, I advise you to look for the right information about them, since what many of your peers do (as it were, a serious relationship) is based on what we are being bullied by the media, and these are mostly incorrect settings that do not lead to happy family life. If you want to become a good wife, start learning to be her now, for example, there is one good book, "Once for a lifetime" Holy. Ilya Shugaev, there are conversations with high school students about family life, it’s from such good sources that you should take information about relationships with the opposite sex. But first, become an interesting and versatile person herself, then your prince will find you. As they like to say - if you want to find a prince - become a princess.
In general, I told you a lot here right away, but somehow think about it with yourself in silence and decide what you want in life, set goals for yourself and boldly go to them, only you can decide what will happen next in your adult life!)
Andrey, age: 08/21/2012
Here’s a similar problem, I’m 13 and one day I got bad grades, I got one deuce. Then my mother started yelling at me and called me a nonsense and a fool. The rest of the days, according to estimates, everything went fine fours and fives, there were three and two. while I’m doing something wrong, the same situation appears that I’m a fool and a goof. For more than 2 weeks. Sometimes I even get the feeling that she needs me only in order to relieve her stress. Because she has enough at work complicated and nervous. I certainly do not want to, but sometimes I got the feeling that I hate her .. I began to prohibit a lot. And all the time one words scroll through my head: “And they say that mother loves her child most of all with all her soul, with all her heart. She tries to praise him more, understand to support and love.” But now I even have no hope of it. How many times I told her this, she kept telling me that you had nothing to love so mediocrity that I was worse than anyone else. I don’t even know how to congratulate her on Happy Mother's Day ..
Faith, age: 11/13/2013
One must be above all this, all this filth, like a princess. They’ll get married, don’t listen to mom. To gather your thoughts, you need to pray and go to church every day. Sometimes solutions to problems, vital and educational, come during prayer. You’ll go to church, in the church, maybe some friends will appear, a support group, spiritual support. Believe, hope and love ...
Svetlana, age: 10.24.2014
There is only one way out - to wait 18 and get out of the house without looking back. The longer you endure it, the worse it affects your psyche.
And as for relationships - at 15 years old this is not a relationship. At about this age, I fell in love with different girls. At the same time, I created idols in my head, i.e. seen in girls only
positive features. But in fact, there are no less flaws in them!
