Not every man understands that by offering cohabitation, he puts his woman in an ambiguous position when she has to justify herself to her parents, married friends, curious relatives and friendly neighbors, endure whispers behind her and humiliating conversations in society.
Let's look at the difference between cohabitation and official marriage. In the so-called civil marriage, both partners are not liable to each other and have the right to withdraw from the relationship at any time.
Such free relations are convenient for a man, but, as a rule, costly for a woman, because we have different priorities. The woman is important level of security and stability, which provides a regular partner. And in the “civil marriage” there is no guarantee that tomorrow a man will not collect things and will not go into the sunset forever from her life or ask her to vacate a place in his apartment. After all, he did not give any solemn promises to witnesses, as is customary in an official ceremony, and did not swear allegiance, and, therefore, he is pure in the eyes of society.
A woman almost always wants to marry the man with whom she lives. But often agrees to cohabitation, hoping that one day her chosen one will make her an offer.
Why is a man usually not in a hurry to stamp his passport? There may be the following reasons.
1. He does not perceive a particular woman as the only one for whom he is ready to take responsibility, does not want to build a family with her.
AND / OR
2. He had a negative experience of a previous marriage, from which he was hard to get out of (a beloved woman betrayed, sawed property for a long and painful time, etc.).
AND / OR
3. He has other priorities - he has his own main task in life (for example, to prove to his mother or other significant woman that he took place). In this case, he does not realize the value of creating his own family. Such a man, often without realizing it, puts his whole life in order to prove something to someone. He does not have his own life - he lives a stranger.
In this case, a woman agrees to cohabitation for two main reasons.
1. She understands that she is well with this man and is ready to be with him on any conditions.
OR
2. She bends and makes concessions, deep down hoping that over time he "will not go anywhere, fall in love and marry."
The second option for a woman is initially losing. When one of the partners enters into a relationship with the intention of re-educating the other or getting something from him, he almost always stays with a broken trough.
A classic of the genre, when a man insists on cohabitation, realizing, but not saying that this particular woman in his life is a temporary phenomenon. And the woman agrees, secretly hoping that one day everything will change. They converge, but their tasks are completely different. Her goal is to create a family with him in the future and give birth to children, and his goal is to live with her until he meets the "only one". And as soon as his not so accessible ideal looms on the horizon, he will offer her a hand, a heart, and an apartment. And the one who lived with him will say: “I did not promise you anything. You yourself agreed. ” And, alas, he will be right.
And if the cohabitant turns out to be pregnant, then the man can justifiably say that he did not order a child and, in general, who said that his child.
Therefore, a woman, before agreeing to cohabitation, should answer herself the following questions.
1. Is she ready for the fact that her children, together with a dash in the column “father”, can receive the life-long status “fatherless” in society?
2. Is she ready to give a man her time and love in exchange for the emotional wound that he can inflict on her at any moment with his departure?
3. Does she understand that such a gap can greatly affect her self-esteem and future relationships?
It is important for a woman to hear her man, to understand the true reasons for his unwillingness to register a relationship. And, based on this understanding, make your choice.
UPD Let's admit to ourselves: we live in a society where marriage gives a woman a respected status, and “going to girls” (cohabitation) - minus the reputation.
UPD 2. If both people are happy, then no one cares whether they are officially married or just live together. My post is about the hidden intentions of both parties, which is often found in so-called civil marriages and then leads to mutual insults and claims.
This is not an attempt to blame someone, but maybe just a call to think.
I hear and respect other points of view.
But I remain of my opinion.
On the pros and cons of “civil marriage”, about who are satisfied with unregistered relations and who are not, and why people don’t want to get married - in an interview with family psychologist Svetlana Dedova.
Svetlana Dedova
family psychologist
“Civil marriage” is actually cohabitation
More and more Belarusians prefer not to document the relationship, content with the so-called “civil marriage”. In fact, this phrase implies a real marriage, registered in the registry office, and not in the church. If people live like husband and wife make-believe - this is cohabitation. Most do not like this name.
Women in such relationships, according to the psychologist, consider themselves married. While men consider themselves single.
This is not too bad and not very good. As a rule, either “very young people” or those who already had unsuccessful experience of marriage and legal red tape with the division of property live in a “civil marriage”.
The former, as the expert says, test their feelings and are in no hurry to legitimize the relationship. The second - do not consider it necessary to put another stamp in the passport, so that later you do not have to regret it and share the property again.
Women more often than men want formal relationships
The clients who come to me in the premarital period are mainly people 30-40 years old, there are also those who are from 25 to 30 years old. According to statistics, women more often than men want official relations, because they feel more confident and legally protected. In addition, women feel better in the role of wives than cohabitants.
Another reason is that in our society, most women earn less than men. Accordingly, the opportunities for the fair sex are also less.
If a couple in a civil marriage, for example, decides to break up, they will not share the property they have acquired together. Questions will remain open. Therefore, agreeing to a “civil marriage”, it is better to realize that such relations entail what you can expect, and what, on the contrary, you can’t count on. Women should not live in illusions.
The question of the family budget, as the psychologist says, is always decided by two. Each unregistered couple has this issue in its own way. Many, living in such relationships, carry common expenses. Others feed on their own.
Equality in a common-law marriage usually happens if both partners have an equilibrium material condition
It is important for those who are in a cohabitation relationship to understand that, as a rule, there is no complete equality in them. Someone is dominant, someone is subordinate. In a registered marriage, everything is somewhat different.
Usually it is 50 to 50, because each side has legal protection. Equality in a “common-law marriage” usually occurs only if both partners have approximately equal material wealth. If, leaving, each of the partners can stay with housing and livelihoods.
Most often, as the specialist says, a man is dominant or leading in a pair. He earns more, but more often fears responsibility.
The subordinate in a couple has to agree to any conditions in the name of preserving the relationship. Such a person often uses psychological protection when communicating with others, saying that he does not need marriage.
There was an example when a couple came to me and a woman in her said that they did not need a registered relationship. During the conversation, it turned out that deep down she wants an official marriage, wants to be a wife, but does not know what to do, and resigned herself to what is.
Men, according to the expert, feel more free in cohabitation, leaving with them all their material wealth.
Among those who live in a civil marriage, less often, but there are couples with the same decision to live together. Sometimes a woman is sure that in order to be with this man, she is ready to go to such and such conditions. She understands that she will not be his official wife, will not receive status, but she can be there, winning his heart and receiving his love in return.
If a man does not want to formalize the relationship, it is unlikely that a woman will be able to do something
Despite the stereotypical opinions, one female desire to get married is not enough. Two people are involved in a marriage, not a woman or a man. Any further relationship is up to two. If a man does not want marriage, it is unlikely that there will be such moves for a woman to formalize a relationship with a partner. An exception is the various methods of blackmail, which are unlikely to lead to open trusting relationships in a pair.
The psychologist suggests an analogy with two companies. If one of them doesn’t want to conclude a contract, and the second wants it, nothing will come of it. Same thing with a couple of people.
Sometimes there are situations when a woman decides that she is no longer ready for unregistered relationships and leaves the man. Only after that, he, not wanting to lose her, offers the woman to marry. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. it happens that a woman’s departure becomes the beginning of the end of a relationship.
There is another category of girls who agree only to official relations, and they do not consider others in principle. Among Belarusians there are also those who do not want to marry at all. These are, as a rule, women standing steadily on their feet.
What prevents people from getting married
People do not get married most often because of fears. They are afraid of legal liability and loss of freedom. Many “husband and wife make-believe” are not confident in a partner or in themselves.
The cause may be psychological trauma experienced in childhood (for example, the divorce of the mother and father). Young people are afraid to repeat the mistakes of their parents and prefer not to formalize the relationship. Typically, a pattern of behavior is passed down from generation to generation. For example, women living without men know how to live without husbands, but do not know how to live married. It is not a fact that such a woman will not create a family, but there is a high probability that she will behave in such a way that in the end she will be left alone.
If one wants an official marriage, and the second does not, it is important, according to the psychologist, not to despair, but to answer the question "What do I really want?"
If you decide to change something in a relationship, it is better to do it together. Some kind of test of feelings is possible, the question is how long it will last. Everyone solves this question for himself.
Entering the so-called “trial marriage”, motivation is important. If it is understood that you can leave such a relationship at any moment and no one owes anything to anyone, this is a message that is not aimed at the desire to stay together.
Such motivation is similar to going to the competition without the desire to win. If a person initially sets himself up for victory, then it is given easier. The same thing in a relationship. There are those who live together without marriage for 8-10 years (this is the maximum), and then still get married. It happens that after such an amount of time people break up.
Many problems are solved if two people want it.
The specialist says that she had a couple with an extramarital relationship. Young people were not completely satisfied with each other, did not know whether to leave a relationship or not. At the same time, the girl was reluctant to express her desire for marriage.
We worked 3 times, and after a year and a half I found out that young people are already married and happy. Many problems are solved if two people want it. One of the best ways is to frankly tell each other about your expectations about a partner. If the dialogue does not work for two, you can contact a psychologist.
In any case, according to the specialist in a “civil marriage”, as in any phenomenon, there are minuses and pluses.
The positive point is that each partner can leave the other at any time, so the relationship is built more carefully. In addition, everyone has a certain freedom in relations and, if necessary, long divorce proceedings can be avoided.
Unfortunately, as the expert says, there are also disadvantages. In relationships, there is always an element of tension and anxiety associated with uncertainty and instability. No one knows how long another partner is ready to be in this relationship and what awaits a couple ahead.
In addition, there is legal insecurity (including common children) and inequality of partners.
Have you noticed, it often happens that a man can live in a civil marriage with one woman for several years, and when they for one reason or another break up, he literally immediately finds the one he wants to get married urgently? And does it!
In fact, everything is both simple and complex at the same time.
In principle, people who like each other always have two options as a result - either to get married, or to live together in a civil marriage. What is a civil marriage? In fact, this is just cohabitation. When people are well and comfortable together, they have sex, they divide life in half. But is it a marriage? No and no again. Although often it is women who personify everything and believe that they are just a step away from the fact that he is about to put the coveted little ring on her finger. Will this happen? In most cases, just the opposite happens.
Many people now believe that you need to live together to get to know each other better, to get closer, to understand whether they are suitable for each other or not. In words, this is all good. But how is it really? As soon as they begin to live together, the woman turns into a kind of forest nymph who is trying with all her might to surround her beloved with love and affection. To give him everything necessary and desired, and sometimes even forbidden. And all for what? So that he discerned in her the very one - the one and only.
And what does this lead to? A man sees that they love him, that he is cherished and cherished, they are worn with him like with a written bag. Nicely? And who will not be pleased? He enjoys all this, accepts, and sometimes even appreciates. But something further does not go according to plan. Why? Because he has no desire to make this woman his wife. What for? After all, he already has everything he needs.
No, I'm not talking about the fact that all men are goats. No and no again. This is far from the case. Yes, and girls are far from always sweet Rafaelkas, if that. Everything is much more complicated.
You noticed that today even legalized relationships very rarely end in love before the grave. There are also certain reasons for this. See for yourself. What should be between a man and a woman so that they can create a really strong union. I believe that these are a few things at least, but let's talk about everything in order.
The first is love and tender feelings for each other. You can cohabit simply by enjoying sex and delicious food. But you can live together for many years only if you have real feelings. Sometimes we personify your soulmate. We are sure that he or she loves us wholeheartedly. Is that so? Ask yourself a question - can you read other people's thoughts? If not, then do not attribute to others your expectations.
The second is family values. If a person knows what a family is, then he knows what he is actually striving for. But you must admit, many of us have different family values. And if for some reason the partners do not coincide, then a strong family union is, in principle, not possible. How often does acquaintance with parents turn into a fiasco? You noticed? And this is one of the indicators. Do not close his eyes to him. Ah, not worth it.
Further, a person should clearly know who he is and what he wants from life. And also he should know who the person with whom he wants to connect his life is. While the candy-bouquet period lasts, everything is seen in pink. But as soon as the clouds disperse, and the too bright sun begins to shine in the eyes, the hidden parts of the soul of each of the couple open. And then everything becomes clear. But is it necessary to start living together for this? Not necessary. And sometimes even the opposite is not necessary, then everything will become clear even earlier.
What else? A person must take place as a person before marriage. He must realize that he can offer his soulmate. He must take a sober view of life. I write it, but I mean both. After all, two people can create a family, but not one.
The next point is trust. How to recognize if you trust your soulmate? Just ask yourself a question. If suddenly something happens to you, for example, illness or lack of money. Can this person stay with you, support with all his might. Can you support and take care of him? Well, if you answered yes. And if not?
And perhaps the last moment is the desire to marry just this particular person. Not like many now. I just want to get married. I just want to get married. You need to want to create a family with a particular man or woman, and be aware that the person is not perfect and everyone has their own shortcomings.
Well, what do you say, is it difficult to make a marriage decision? Yes, not easy.
And what is needed for cohabitation or, as we like to call him more, so as not to hurt his hearing, for a civil marriage? Enough sexual compatibility and tolerance in everyday life. Is not it so? And there is. We do not ask ourselves unnecessary questions. Just go with the flow. Just enjoying this moment. It seems to us that over time, everything else will follow. But in reality it does not always end with a veil and a snow-white dress. And why?
Just because some of us are not yet fully ripe for this step. Will a civil marriage help one of the partners to finally mature? Not a fact, but sometimes the opposite.
And now remember, I said that many official relations also fail? Do you already understand why? And all because often people are in a hurry. Often they are disturbed by reasons from the outside, for example, parents insist, an unplanned pregnancy, too ardent desire of one of the spouses. People just do not have time to ripen for marriage. They are simply not ready. Some manage to adapt. And others just drown in this abyss, not understanding how they got to this before, how they ended up in this hellish cauldron.
And what are they doing? They are just looking for an opportunity to get out. And as a rule, they find a way. As a result, divorce, division of property, children without a normal family, people with knives in the back and chest pains.
But all this could have been avoided. You just had to give each other time. You can always get married, but it’s better not to rush. Like living together. You can love each other, being in different living spaces. The main thing is to find the very person with whom on the rocker, as they say, and lollipop for two, and into the debt hole with a joyful cry of "Hurray, break through."
Now back to the very beginning. Remember how a man after years in a civil marriage can quickly marry? And why? Because over the years of cohabitation, he really can already mature to create a family. But over the years of life, too many unresolved conflicts appear together, love is replaced by everyday life, or during this time we simply understand that next to us is really not the person we were looking for. The result is known. And finding a soul mate is already becoming much easier. After all, a person already knows himself, knows what he wants, knows what he aspires to. And maybe even that new legal wife will later thank the former cohabitant in her heart, because it is thanks to the man next to her who wants to start a family.
Who agrees with me? It will be interesting to know another opinion.
I am 21 years old, my young man is 24, we are dating 1.5 years. He has a separate apartment, in which he offers me to move and live together. I do not want to live in a civil marriage. I am calmer, more reliable, more definite to live in the official. We discussed this topic with him 3 months ago. He said that he should first arrange life in his apartment in 1-2 months, and then apply to the registry office. He says that he loves, wants to start a family with me. There will be a move soon. He speaks only about repair, but not a word about marriage. It really upsets me. It bothers me what to tell my parents. Ideally, they would be happy with the option that we were going to get married and therefore decided to live together. He said so say it. But it bothers me that he does not make me an offer, he does not say when we get married how much we will equip life. It's important for me. He puts me in an uncomfortable position by forcing me to ask about it, because he does not speak about it. He doesn't want to marry me?
Inna, Moscow, 21 years old / 04/23/07
Opinions of our experts
Alyona
It is possible that this is the case, and he really does not want to marry you. It is possible that he is simply not yet ready for official relations, considering them too binding. But actually it all does not matter. If you are annoyed by the prospect of living with him without being his official wife, and if you have to step over yourself and lie to your parents because of this, the advice is simple: don’t do anything that breaks you as a person. It’s not you who want to equip your life, but he, you don’t want to live in the same apartment with him just like that, and he offers you cohabitation. I personally feel comfortable with couples living together outside of an official marriage. Itself has been like this for almost 10 years (after 5 years of marriage, by the way). But the desire to live together, spit on the whole officialdom, should be mutual. Believe me, if it’s jarring you now, then with the slightest problems in your relationship with your young man it will make you even worse from the realization that you “succumbed to his persuasion”. Although this is not very modern, but these are your principles, and having given them up now, then later, in case you part, you will very much regret it. In addition, you run the risk of becoming dependent on your boyfriend if you move to him now: to leave him just like that will be psychologically very difficult, because your relatives will think that you are about to get married. In general, do not do what breaks your personality. This applies not only to this situation. If your boyfriend loves you, he will understand why you do not want to move to live with him before marriage. If he does not understand, perhaps cohabitation is all that he needs, but you obviously do not need it. And you don’t need to constantly ask him when you will get married. It is enough to tell him once: “I love you very much, but I cannot live with you out of wedlock. I may not be up-to-date, but these are my principles. I do not want to lie to my parents and I do not want to deceive myself. Therefore, if you are not ready for marriage, let's leave everything as it is. ” And, by the way, in order to "equip life" in an apartment, that is, to make repairs in it, it is not at all necessary to live in it. It’s even unhealthy to live in a renovated apartment ...
Sergei
Do you want me to tell you how my wife, who was at that time the future, did when she was tired of waiting for me to make the necessary movements in the direction of the registry office? She simply stated that she loves me, of course, but she will live with me only if we stamp our passports. Since she is a very determined woman, there was no reason not to believe. But I really did not want to take risks and verify by experience. In principle, you can do the same. Tell the young man that your beliefs do not allow you to live with a man who does not love you, because a man who really loves will not pull rubber with marriage. And so you move to your parents, and wish him all the best. This, of course, is by today's standards, to put it mildly, out of date. Like your view of the relationship between a man and a woman, too. But this is your opinion, your beliefs. And therefore, in my opinion, they need to be fought for. If something does not suit you, and at all, then whoever and whatever thinks on this issue, you should first listen to yourself and your own opinion and fight for it, to uphold it. If your young man really loves you and wants to be together, he will understand that you are not joking. Of course, if you really are ready to defend your point of view to the end. Until the gap. In general, I would like to inform you that the current youth is not particularly seeking legal relations. After all, official relations are already serious. Formal relations in the event of a break can lead to very serious moral and material losses on both sides. Maybe your young man is right? Do not rush with such a decisive step? Live together, try family life to taste. You can coexist normally - well then advice to you and love. Well, if you can’t, then the stamp in your passport will not keep anyone, but there’ll be a lot of trouble.
Nowadays, almost every third couple lives so called civil marriage. What is it and how does living together influence “ without stamp”On the relationship between a guy and a girl - in this article.
Civil marriage in the common sense means that the couple lives together without official registration. Some go to this step for years, others almost from the day they met. The latter, of course, are fewer. Most often, young people, having met for several months or years, decide to check their relationship with everyday life.
In fairness, one detail should be clarified. According to the current legislation, marriage is called officially registered relationship between a man and a woman by the relevant government authorities. If people just live together - then this is cohabitation and, most interestingly, also a family. The last moment, probably, attracts lovers to a new level. That is, you can stay in the role of mistress / master, see the chosen one in a different light.
Psychologists say that men live in a civil marriage much easier. They continue to perceive him as “meeting”, not considering themselves a husband. Women are more serious in this matter. For them, this is already a kind of marriage. For the beautiful half of humanity, at this stage, responsibilities arise, no different from official ones. That is, as sociological polls show, after marriage registration relationships for the newly made wife, in fact, do not change. Of course, this is not the case with everyone.
At first, living together, especially not with parents, seems very interesting, romantic, and fabulous. A young couple is everywhere together, actively spending free time, sharing experiences with friends. But here lies the main enemy of relations - life, no matter how trite it may sound. You begin to notice small (or not so) shortcomings of the beloved / beloved, her / his habits, lifestyle. And then there’s a wave of everyday problems and questions related to the apartment, work, finances, household duties and beyond ... Everyone has to cope with something new, while rubbing himself against a person who lives nearby. Some couples do not pass the test (there is no other word).
But you need to remember that t what difficult moments can happen to everyone. AND cohabitation once again prove the sincerity of your feelings, the coincidence of goals and a common idea of \u200b\u200bthe future. Try to trust someone who is nearby in difficult situations for you. And, on the contrary, show patience, calmness and tenderness to satellite problems. Most couples cope with the “lapping” phase, open their relationship in a new way, and already decide to be with or without a stamp forever.
In most cases, civil marriage flows smoothly into official relationship. That is, the couple is determined with goals for life, its partner, marries. The older generation is not quite good at this type of relationship, cautiously. But the main thing is what lovers themselves think about it. They should not hide their expectations, but rather - necessarily share with each other the goals for the future.
Love each other and be happy!
How do you feel about civil marriage?
