This article is intended for everyone who realized the need to work out their childhood grievances.

What childhood grievances do you most likely carry within yourself?

Resentment to your parents, your closest people.

As a rule, people come to the need to study children's insults to parents in one of the following cases:

• They suspect that problems in relationships with people are somehow related to children's grievances.
• They are tired of being mad at their parents.
• They generally want to improve relationships with their parents.
• They want to emotionally separate from their parents and become completely independent people, but children's insults pull them back into the old format of relations with parents.

If any of the above sounds like your problem, I’m sure this article will help you.

Like anyone who wants to work through grudges from the past.

Immediately make a reservation that there will not be a sweet idle talk from the category of "forgive and let go, live happily ever after" or "forgive your insults to parents." I am very negative about such chatter, because the long-term value of such advice zero. There will be no reassurance. Only serious advice on how to set yourself up for work and what kind of work lies ahead. Tips for those who are tired of empty tips.

So, let's take the steps. They are few, only three.

The first step you need to take is to realize that your parents are not to blame for anything.

WHAT?!

I'll explain now.

Step 1. Realize that your parents are not to blame for your childhood grievances.

If your roof started to leave from my words, I will try to return it to its place.

We were taught from childhood that for the grievances that we inflict, we must apologize. Otherwise, you are a pig, and burn in hell for you.

Accordingly, against the background of this belief, it seems to us that since our parents have offended us, it means they should ask us for forgiveness.

Since parents are not going to ask for forgiveness, over time it feels like our accusations against their parents and resentment against them are justified. This is righteous anger, righteous resentment. We were injured when we were young children, we could not stop this. And they don’t even apologize!

Since we believe that we have the right to blame parents for our grievances, we continue to blame them, and do nothing with grievances, because what can we do about them? After all, it is the parents who are to blame, not us.

Naturally, if you continue to blame parents, playing as a victim, then no changes should be expected.

But for the changes to begin, just dig deeper and see how insults from childhood go into adulthood and affect adult relationships. You may have a completely different picture.

The picture is as follows.

In the first years of your life, depending on which family you grew up in, you develop a certain type of affection for your parents. If you felt love, acceptance and care from your parents, the so-called strong affection. A healthy individual grows out of you, from a psychological point of view. You build relationships with other people correctly, you have no problems finding friends, no problems with self-esteem, no problems with parting with people, no co-dependent relationships, etc.

But if you did not receive this love, but instead experienced a lack of attention and resented your parents, you worked out unreliable attachment. Based on this type of attachment, you subsequently developed a whole series of interpersonal problems that continue to live in you to this day.

An article by California researchers, Dr. Coleman, P. Cowen, and C. Cowan, describes the results of longitudinal studies of family relationships. The parents' stories about their affection for children were studied, which were linked to the testimonies of school teachers about the behavior of these children.

As it turned out, children in whose relations with their parents did not have reliable attachment were more likely to display aggression towards other students or, conversely, were shy, distant from classmates, anxious or depressed.

Why were these children like that?

Studies show that unreliable attachment creates a whole range of negative effects on a child, affecting both his current life and subsequent adulthood. Here they are:

• Difficulties in controlling and modulating your emotions.
• Inability to cope with stressful situations.
• Inability to relax next to other people and trust them.

Now let's look at you personally and at your parents.

Who hurt you? Father, mother, or maybe both of them. Take a look at the three points above and apply them to your parents.

Namely, just ask yourself three questions:

• Does my father or my mother have difficulties with emotional control?
• Can I say about my father or my mother that they can not cope with stress on their own, without squandering the nerves in the family?
• Can I say that my parents did not trust me and could not just relax and let me live in peace?

I will not be surprised if you find one, two, or even all three points for your parents.

And now ask yourself the final question.

Where did the parents get all this from?

After all, your parents were also once children. If they have all these psychological problems, aren't the roots of these problems in their own childhood?

The authors of this study add that parents are often unable to see their own contribution to conflicts within their key relationships. Apparently, these conflicts grow out of their own childhood, when they just did not have caring parents, they did not feel love and did not learn love and acceptance.

I repeat - unreliable attachment leads to aggressive behavior or to the constrained and detached. For an adult, these are ideal prerequisites to offend their loved ones.

So it turns out that blaming parents for their offense is no longer so easy. They are probably the same victims of childhood grievances as you are. Most likely, they went through the same thing as you. They simply, like carriers of the disease, absorbed these grievances and then passed them to you, like a virus.

But here is the fundamental point.

THERE WERE NO CHOICE.

When you are angry with your parents that they allegedly offended you as a child, you don’t notice that anger is largely based on the assumption that your parents did it on purpose.

That they could control themselves, and they could love you more and better.

But how can a victim of childhood grievances not deliver a grudge to his own child?

They did not work out their own grievances. They did not clean their brains of garbage.

After all, in our schools, colleges, and institutes, there were no courses or lessons for working through grievances.

So why do you think your parents had a choice not to offend you? Why do you think that they did it on purpose, and that you supposedly have the right to blame them?

In fact, they did it not on purpose.

They loved you as much as they could love.

They gave you as much love as they could give.

They were the best parents you could count on.

And if they didn’t give you something, then taking offense at it, you only fool yourself. You just fantasize about what supposedly parents should be, you see the discrepancy between reality and your fantasies, and you get angry.

But to expect from injured parents the right attitude towards their children is the same as to expect from a hungry lion that he will gently rub his head on you, and not gobble up the whole thing.

In general, why am I all this?

Your parents just did what they could. Yes, have offended. Yes, we missed love. But they had no other choice.

So your parents are not to blame for anything. They couldn't help but hurt you by being who they were.

If you are unable to look at your childhood grievances from this angle, I can no longer help you. You will continue to be angry with your parents, believing that they are responsible for your childhood grievances, and thereby justifying both your grievances and their consequences.

But if it’s now clear to you that it’s useless to blame parents, let's move on.

The second step, by the way, is even more complicated.

Step 2. Take responsibility for children's insult to parents.

After the accusations of parents in children's insults stopped, you have to go even further.

You need to take responsibility for your childhood grievances.

That is, not only do you no longer blame your parents for crippling your childhood. You also take responsibility for your childhood resentment.

Why is this step not even the most intuitive, but so necessary?

As I wrote earlier, the main subconscious, which is laid down in a person from childhood and continues to live in him all his life, unless the person has bothered to eliminate it.

And the elimination should begin with the fact that a person, including all his grievances, including children.

So it turns out that since you have to take 100% responsibility for your life (about which I wrote in detail), you must take responsibility for your childhood grievances. After all .

I make a reservation, I do not mean at all that now you have to blame yourself as you used to blame your parents. Rather, I suggest you adopt the following approach:

I have resentment in my parents, which I bear since childhood. These insults interfere with me, they interfere with my life, these are my insults, and I have to rake them. But if these are my grievances, and no one else is responsible for them, except me, then I can get rid of them myself, without any help. And I am ready to do it.

That's all. If you take responsibility for your childhood grievances, you will give yourself the opportunity to work through them and get rid of them.

If you do not take responsibility, you will continue to dance to the tune of your Victim Mentality and think that you are not to blame for anything, and the bastard parents have ruined your life.

Therefore, everything is simple - either we accept responsibility and recover, or we do not accept responsibility and continue to be ill. No other is given.

Ok, now that we no longer blame our parents and began to be responsible for our childhood grievances, we can take on overcoming them.

There is already a matter of technology.

Step 3. Start working out children's grievances in the working order.

If you took responsibility for your life, including also your childhood grievances, you just need to work according to a verified strategy - the results will not be long in coming.

The strategy is that we will shovel our subconscious and remove from it the negative charge associated with all the insults you have survived - from the earliest, including your childhood grievances, to relatively recent ones.

To do this, we need a special technique for working out mental material that would operate not only on a conscious level and try to understand why we are so bad now, but also work on a subconscious level. This is the only opportunity to get to the bottom of those insults that you once decided to forget and remove from them an emotional charge.

The ideal technique for such work on yourself is Turbo-Suslik, which you can familiarize yourself with.

You will probably notice that Turbo-Gopher is not just a technique ground for working with insults. She digs the entire contents of your subconscious, digging past grievances only as part of the work, and this is no accident.

After all, resentment is not just an isolated emotion. It cannot exist in isolation from a number of other problems, such as the mentality of the victim, the idea of \u200b\u200bwhat people should be, the automatic manifestation of emotions and others.

Therefore, if you want to get rid of all your grievances forever, including also children's grievances, I recommend taking on everything at once. Then the grievances will be worked out in full, they will never again appear and dictate your behavior and reactions.

How exactly will the study of children's grievances be carried out?

She will be divided into two types of work. The first is working with ready-made protocols for processing mental material at a subconscious level. For this work, you will need the most minimal level of effort - just read out the ready-made protocols, painted in the materials on technology and all.

The second is writing out your personal material. This work will certainly begin at a certain stage.

You will need to write out all the brightest injuries received in childhood, all that you can remember. And then use the system with its ready-made tools and use them to work out your material.

You can read about how to work with your material in articles and. They more or less detailed describe how to work with your material.

If it’s still not completely clear to you exactly how Turbo-Gopher can help you get rid of children's insults, given that it works with all the garbage in your head right away, and not just with insults, I recommend that you read the article and she’ll put everything into place places.

That's all for that.

Briefly repeat what you need to do.

Three steps to overcome parental resentment:

Relations with parents are the closest, but sometimes the most difficult. If you can find friends and a life partner, then mother and father are given from birth.

They cannot be changed. This means that you will have to rethink your relationship and change something so that communication gives everyone joy, and does not hurt or serve as a source of eternal conflict or emotional discomfort.

Adults quite often feel insulted by their parents. Moreover, not everyone is aware of this.

Sometimes the roots of the problem are hidden so deep in the subconscious, they are so well masked by some other emotions that only a professional psychologist can recognize them, and even then - not immediately, and not at the first session.

Experts in the field of psychology argue that resentment of children on mothers and fathers is a problem for almost every family. For some, it is acute, for others it looks like something sluggish and not very serious.

It depends on the temperament and character, as well as on how much resentment a person has for his family.

Why do children take offense at parents

Source: iStock

The reasons for this state of affairs can be very different. And, of course, here you will have to delve into yourself, think, remember your childhood.

Moreover, it’s not necessarily some isolated cases when you didn’t buy the desired candy or you tied the bow too tight in front of the matinee in the kindergarten.

If it seems that you are offended by your father and mother just for such trifles, then the problem is hidden somewhere more deeply.

Many different aspects come from resentment, originally from childhood: inattention, or vice versa - hyperprotection, imposing a certain line of behavior, inattention to needs, and so on.

As a rule, a person who is offended wants to be changed. The reasons why an adult son or daughter is offended by their parents are most often the following:

• lack of ability to forgive. This does not concern kindness. It happens that even a very gentle person doesn’t know how to “let go” insults, especially if they were inflicted by close people,
• conscious or subconscious desire to manipulate parents. This is such a kind of revenge
• inconsistency with expectations. If parents show disappointment with who their offspring became, then resentment becomes his defensive reaction. This is quite normal, moreover, it is justified.

By the way, children's grievances are the most difficult to forgive, because they are the most tangible. The young psyche is unusually susceptible to any external influences. Very often, a child is hurt by what adults perceive quite calmly.

Parents, therefore, could offend their child unconsciously, completely unwilling to hurt him.

What to do in such a situation?

Realizing that you, by one measure or another, have an insult to your father and mother, the first thing to do is to understand its meaninglessness. Be that as it may, your parents gave you life, they tried, raising you as they could.

Yes, they are not perfect, therefore, perhaps, they made mistakes. Each time you are overwhelmed by resentment, immediately remember your gratitude to your parents for giving you life. Such a gift is not just important, it is invaluable.

You did not realize this in childhood, but now, having become a completely adult person, you can understand the significance of being given the opportunity to live.

Offended by mom and dad, you have to accept, for granted, another not particularly pleasant fact: you have no right to condemn them.

Why is there often no mutual understanding and mutual respect between parents and matured children? Why, already from adolescence, many boys and girls change their mind about the most dear people, believe that they are not smart enough, rich, successful and generally do everything and speak incorrectly. Many are openly shy of their parents.

Of course, there can be many reasons for this. We do not pretend to be the ultimate truth, but summarizing our own experience and opinions of reputable psychologists, philosophers and writers, we highlight the main ones.

Difficult life situations.   All this deprived our parents of the opportunity to enjoy life, to enjoy it. Work, the pursuit of material well-being, frantic climbing up the career ladder, everyday and everyday problems took too much time and they could not devote enough attention to the children. As a result, we have gaps in education, the lack of emotional and spiritual connection between parents and children.

Parents were not taught to love   their parents. Yes, there is no mistake in this sentence. Love needs to be learned. And learn not only to feel the heart of another person, but also to show their feelings. Children completely copy the behavior of their parents or those who, for whatever reason, replace them.

If parents are rude to each other, even with hatred, consider all the people around them traitors, criminals, shout at their children, beat them, morally humiliate them, then the child also adopts this model of behavior and perception of the world.

And becoming an adult, this child, who has not learned to show care, tenderness, attention to loved ones, will experience many problems in his personal life. And he will relate to his aged parents in the same way as they did to him.

  Domestic cruelty. People tend to be more cruel to their loved ones than to strangers. In public, we try to look in the best possible light, communicate much more politely and friendly, the opinion of others is important to us. And at home you can relax and not think about your reputation.

“The most cowardly, incapable of resistance people become inexorable where they can show absolute parental authority” - Karl Marx.

It's hard to forgive insults.   There are difficult moments in the relationship of parents and children. It happens that a father or mother crosses the line of what is permissible, morally permissible, thereby injuring the child's psyche. This situation the child scrolls in his head again and again. Cannot forget and forgive.

  Spoiled children. As a rule, this is the only or youngest child in the family. He was allowed to do whatever he wanted. Parents were in a hurry to fulfill the slightest of his whims, surrounded by excessive care and care. The result of such upbringing is a narcissistic, selfish, conflicting personality, unsuitable for adulthood, not enduring objections. She does not respect her parents, considers them the source of her material well-being and ... in principle, all her problems.

The illusion of eternal life.   We think that parents will live a very long time, so even someday then we will establish a relationship, ask for forgiveness, etc. But this is a very big mistake. Death may come unexpectedly. And it will be excruciatingly painful and embarrassing for my behavior, for the fact that there was no time to call, talk, make peace ... forgive.

Elderly vulnerable.   Even a trifle, an inadvertent manifestation of inattention, indifference or the banal unwillingness of children to just talk about something, is perceived by older people as a mortal insult.

Each of us has what we deserve. What we sow, we reap. Feel free to show tenderness, talk about your love to parents and your children. This is the last thing to be put off until tomorrow. Because it may not be ...

“Life ... a person has what he himself is. If a cruel person - she is cruel. If fearful, she is scary. If sour - she is sad. And I am a cheerful person, my life is cheerful ... ”- Boris Akunin.

Resentment is an understandable and familiar to everyone emotion of a person. We all sometimes take offense at someone or offend ourselves. But resentment is not always harmless - it is one of the most destructive emotions. Many relationships and human destinies are destroyed precisely by this feeling.

What is a grudge

Offense - a person’s reaction to the perceived as unjustly caused grief, insult, as well as negative emotions caused by this. It includes the experience of anger at the offender and self-pity in a situation where nothing can be corrected (based on Wikipedia).

Resentment is a special kind of aggression. But it is important to know that it is aimed both at the offender and at the one who was offended. After all, resentment seriously harms the psyche and can even cause serious health problems. Resentment is a destructive energy that is aimed at the “culprit” or object of resentment - at a person, fate, the Most High or himself.

The culprit is the one whom the offended person has blamed for something. In fact, the energy of resentment is the energy of destruction, harm and pain. And it causes the most severe troubles to the one who carries the grudge in herself. If a person cannot cope with resentment, it slowly but surely destroys his life. They try not to communicate with touchy people. Often they are not at all happy.

As we see, resentment is a destructive feeling that causes great harm to the psyche of the offended, his health and prevents the development of normal relations with other people. In practice, resentment is very common, almost every one of us. Not for nothing in the project, in the most popular course « »   the topic of forgiveness of insults takes a key place. Grievances are very often the reason for self-sabotage and a subconscious ban on happiness and success.

How insults affect a person’s life

To understand this problem more deeply (forgive me people for this bad word), let's look at an example. Little girl with dad went to the store. The girl saw the toy and asked her dad to buy it. Dad refused or simply did not notice the request of his daughter. Banal situation, right?

In childhood, we are very touchy, and in this simple situation, the girl could be offended. This usually happens. It is important to understand that children's thoughts and conclusions are very categorical, and this “unnoticed” pope resentment could cause a storm of emotions in the child’s soul and a series of categorical conclusions (decisions). For example: "... that's it, dad, I don't love you anymore." Banal situation, right? It is at such moments that strong resentments are created that can and persist for many years.

The girl has matured. She had her own children, but her childhood grievances, hidden in the depths of her soul, appear from time to time. Resentment towards the father gradually “passed” to the husband. Now, the husband who does not understand anything, regularly faces unjustified resentment against himself and increased expectations (read: claims) for himself. Why it happens?

For a little girl, her dad is the most important man in life. All her relationships with other men are inevitably “passed” through relations with her father. If the child harboring grudges against dad, then grievances and claims will be manifested in relations with all men. First of all, with the closest, especially with her husband and / or mentor.

The bad news is that in 99% of cases offenses against parents live in each of us. Even if we do not realize and feel this, this does not change the situation. There are grievances. Grievances need to be removed in order to build a normal relationship and be happy / happy.

Resentment to parents

Resentment is usually inherent in children. Many psychologists believe that resentment of an adult is a sign of emotional immaturity. I will not be so categorical, but I agree that resentment is more a child’s condition. For this reason, saying “free yourself from insults” is easier than doing it in practice.

The children's part of our soul does not want to forgive the offender. It makes a person suffer, destroys life and relationships, but one does not want to let go of resentment. Hundreds of times I heard from my students: “I have forgiven everyone, and my life has become better, but I can’t forgive my mother (or father). I just can’t force myself ... ". This is how children's grievances manifest themselves. With an adult mind, we understand what is needed, but cannot do it in any way.

Watch the video How to let go of grievances on parents  from the series [Welfare Lessons] in which I answer this question.

I hope this tutorial was useful to you. In addition to it, I recommend this blog post: Free for your dream!  In it, I shared the Forgiveness methodology. One of the versions of the methodology, which is distinguished by its depth and quality of study. I recommend using it in work on the forgiveness of parents. Strong technique.