What children blame parents as adults. Who is to blame, what are you ... parents to blame

How to overcome the inner child? I am 20 years old, but I blame my parents for all my failures. When they are against me going somewhere (evening, day, morning) or spending the night, I immediately agree with them, immediately justifying myself by saying that they forbade me, and I could not do anything, although it was possible just fine to talk and relatives would be in solidarity with me. Every day is a protest. "Eat healthy food" (I really need to eat healthy food, because I have skin problems), "sit less in front of the computer" (eye problems), "do not stay until night" (unhealthy sleep). These words make me angry, and I try to do the opposite. I sit until late at night in front of the computer, eat sausage, and come home as late as possible. This is a protest and I do not know how to stop doing this. There have been scandals on which it turned out that I am absolutely free in my actions, that I can do what I want, but with donkey stubbornness I also blame mom and dad for keeping me at home. It happens that I intentionally adjust the situation so as to achieve my goal, but still I will not do what I fought for. Thus, I have already lost one and a half years of normal life due to my antics. A terrible egoism and protest reigns in me and everything, any activity in my head is associated with parental opinion, which always, for some reason, should be against me. How do I get rid of this bullshit?
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Igor, age: 01/30/2012

You are 20 years old, you are already an adult. Have you ever thought that you should live separately from your parents? Parents raised you, you are already a young man, forgive me, children abroad after 18 years old do not live with their parents, and economically our lives are now just as complicated. And then is it true that in response to their care, adults get your stamping with a foot. I’m not trying to blame or shame you, you simply outgrew this situation, when you get separated you will see everything in a new light, mother’s pie, slippers, your own room will become objects of tenderness, and there’s no problem about which you write to even stand close it will be, and now it is oppressing, and it is natural, you have small pants for children, and rightly so, adult children must leave. Only in no case will I attach to any of the forms of civil marriage, categorically, you can rent a house, rent with friends, work. And thus, accustoming yourself to an independent life, having lived about 5-8 years, learning to cope with all the problems, gradually turn into a worthy family man, get married, start a family. And then what is the situation with us often? Mom lives with her 50-year-old son, he doesn’t work, and she keeps him on retirement, but this is an extreme case, and for the most part guys are infantile, cannot be leaders, can’t achieve their goals, in order to avoid such results of growing up, I wish you think of an independent life. Life is fleeting, dear Igor, over there Alexander Nevsky in your years ... Welcome to adulthood!

Olga Alexandrovna, age: 39 / 30.01.2012

You are 20 years old and you are all common truths that your parents tell you, you understand. Remember, for parents you will always be an unreasonable baby to be patronized. My parents still say to me that you need to sit at a computer for a little while, spend more time in the air, and so on. And I understand that, but I respond to these words with a smile and don’t enter into debates))) But you don’t have confidence in that, and you are angry with yourself first.
  Start living on your own, this will give you the opportunity to be responsible for your actions and if you succeed, you can be proud of yourself for real. Such an annoyed perception of the readers (read yourself!) Will disappear. You can still be close in emotional terms with your parents, in some moments you can really listen to them. But in the domestic sphere, you will be alone with yourself, and I am sure that this is exactly what you need right now.
And I agree with OA That civil marriage is not your option. Walk this path of growing up yourself. And there a decent girl will appear.

Laura, age: 01/30/2012

Igor, firstly, in my opinion, you should ask yourself now and ask at the first impulses of such behavior this question: "And IN THE ENTEST, this protest AGAINST WHAT?". Against healthy skin and stomach? Against normal vision and a normalized lifestyle - a guarantee of healthy nerves? Those. ESSENCE is a protest against oneself. Those. Are you your own enemy? Try to think in this vein, perhaps the desire to uselessly argue and rebel will pass.
  Secondly, there must also be a rebellion FOR SOMETHING. It is impossible to deny, without offering anything in return! Ask yourself again: "FOR WHAT? WHY? For what purpose? Do I need it?". Do you want to eat as much fat as possible or have a healthy heart? Do you want to sit around the clock around the clock with scanty breaks or have good vision for your age? It interferes with one another, you have to pay for everything, put up with it. Think carefully, set aside time for this, and make a decision. Only, as you know, the point is not sausages and gatherings at the computer.

You have a fairly typical problem for our age, Igor. On the one hand, you want to make independent decisions already, and you really want to, not a la 14-year-old teenager rushing to a disco. And I'm sure that in fact you already have some plans for life. In any case, as a person who realizes the incorrectness of "disobedience for disobedience" you give the impression of a smart person. But at the same time, you are already aware of the responsibility that lies with you for making your decisions, you understand that your actions will always entail consequences, but these consequences will not always turn out to be the way you would like to see them. And it seems to me that you want and at the same time are afraid to make decisions on your own, because afraid of responsibility and consequences. Therefore, you continue to behave like a teenager, thus delaying your growing up. And the more parents confirm your adulthood, letting you know that you have freedom and your voice in this house, the more you “kick back” from this freedom, as if to say: “How? Do you consider me an adult !? No-no- no, we didn’t agree so! I’m not an adult! I’m a teenager who wants to become an adult! "
Think about it, Igor. Think about what you want in life to achieve today. In the distant future? In the nearest future? What do I need to do? Write your desires, goals on paper, write a plan to achieve them. Plan for the period of time that you will need to achieve the goal, and plans in general: for a year, every month, every week, every day. And act! No matter how difficult. No matter how many mistakes.
  Perhaps, by the way, this is just your short-tempered character. Educate him, train him. Try in the moments of impulses to take a few measured inhalations-exhalations and ask yourself the questions that I spoke about before. Then agreeing with parents and expressing their point of view will be easier.

You are a good fellow and not so selfish - you wrote here to get rid of the flaw that manifests when communicating with your parents, which means you understand that there is something in you that interferes not only with you, but also with others. Don’t be upset, Igor, I’m sure it will pass! I, too, now something similar is happening in my soul, but it is already slowly passing, not by itself, of course, it’s still difficult for me to make decisions, but I try and there are fruits! Believe me, you will have it!

Polina, age: 02/19/2012

Igor, I had a similar situation until the age of 22. Everything was messed up: my parents are pensioners who do not want to let out their only child in a world filled with deception and debauchery, my self-doubt and self-confidence (pessimist, melancholy). He also blamed his parents for everything, bit off his legs and showed himself from the most evil side. I can give a little advice: engage yourself in something, find a business that will distract from this fuss. And it would also be good if the business would bring some kind of material profit (it will be possible to rent housing). Begin to prove to yourself that you are capable of something, and prove it not by tantrums, but by deed.

Often family relationships cease to seem prosperous, and gradually life turns into a war zone. Often a conflict arises between the child and the parents. A son hates a mother, or a daughter - a similar situation can appear in almost any home. And quite often, serious quarrels do not accompany her. She appears for no apparent reason, just from scratch. But reverse situations are also possible when a child grows up in adverse conditions and is constantly subjected to attacks from adults.

Regardless of living conditions, parents whose address sent angry phrases about hate, are not the most rainbow-colored emotions. After all, adults usually not only repeat, but they themselves believe that they live for the sake of children. In their opinion, they did not deserve such an attitude towards themselves. Or did they deserve it? Why do children hate mother? There are a variety of reasons. And some of them will be described in the review.

Growing difficulties

Such behavior on the part of adolescents is scary. And even worse, often children not only pronounce a similar phrase, but also believe in it. Yes, and subsequently begin to act as if sincerely hated. Moreover, family relations can be quite peaceful, normal, when parents are completely sane and try to find with their children.

Mother hates daughter (or son) - this is familiar to many. Usually, a similar situation is attributed to difficulties that are characteristic of a transitional age, when a teenager begins to grow up, tries to find his place, to understand existence. Moreover, the child’s findings usually do not coincide with the opinion of the older generation, which leads to misunderstanding, and then conflicts arise.

Main reasons

In some situations, the transitional age goes smoothly. However, situations where life turns into a nightmare also arise quite often. What are the reasons for this behavior of a teenager?

1. An incomplete family, it is difficult for one mother to cope, so she begins to tear anger on the child, for which she receives an answer.
2. What other reasons can cause the phrase: “I hate my mother”? Suppose a family is complete. However, parents can hate each other, which negatively affects the child.
3. The phrase can be caused by a total lie when the parents have a relationship on the side.
4. Hatred often appears if there are several children in a family, and someone is loved more, and someone less.
5. Which mother hate? A child may feel hatred towards that mother who does not pay attention to him at all, does not care and does not support in difficult moments.

The above reasons are the most striking. They demonstrate that the family is not as smooth as we would like. Children feel similar situations on a subconscious level, which is why they begin to utter phrases such as “I hate my mother.”

However, problems can be resolved by correcting the situation. But first of all, one of the adults should want this. It is enough to simply accept that troubles do occur, and find an experienced specialist who is able to normalize relations in the family.

When aggression appears out of the blue

Problems can arise for no reason. For example, the situation in the family is normal, but the teenager still breaks anger. What causes such situations? Never forget that a child’s behavior is just a symptom. It signals that there is some kind of problem, even if at first glance everything is fine.

In such a situation, psychological assistance is necessary primarily for parents, not the child. Only a specialist can find problems and eliminate them painlessly for all family members. Otherwise, the child will simply lead to a nervous breakdown.

Wrong education

It is likely that certain errors in education can lead to the phrase: "I hate my mother." Naturally, there are a lot of them; listing everything is not worth it. However, most mistakes quite often boil down to an excessive number of restrictions, various prohibitions from the older generation.

Perhaps the parents painted the lives of their children in minutes, not allowing them to deviate from the intended plan. At the same time, they think that they are doing the right thing, bringing only benefit. However, adolescents begin to feel that they are trapped, they no longer have enough freedom. They can break down, put up with a similar circumstance, accept the rules of the game, or they may show aggression.

It should also be noted that the reaction to the prohibitions may not manifest itself immediately, but it will certainly occur when anger builds up and there are forces that are enough to resist the parents. And then the question begins, why does an adult son hate a mother. Or the daughter will not have the best feelings for her parents when she grows up.

Reasons for excessive custody

A daughter or son hates a mother ... A similar situation may result from hyper-custody. How to communicate with children so that there is neither excessive custody, nor permissiveness? First, it’s worth talking about why many parents tend to take care of their child.

First, there may be belief that education must be rigorous. Otherwise, the child simply slides down the slope. And the higher the manifestation of severity, the stronger the love on the part of the parents. And this means that the child will be happy. But such a point of view rarely leads to positive results.

Secondly, parents may be afraid that their children will certainly make a lot of mistakes. A similar reason resembles the first, but less global. If in the first case the parents are frightened by the unfortunate fate of the teenager, then in the second they simply worry how he would not catch a cold or get a little two.

Thirdly, parents can stop feeling needed if they stop controlling their children. And if the child is independent, then it turns out that they live in vain? But, again, this opinion is erroneous.

Does mother hate daughter? Psychology admits that this is due to one of the above reasons, which is not able to establish a good atmosphere in the family. But it can lead to even more serious conflicts. You should understand how to be in such situations, how to behave.

Hunt to be needed

Does the son hate mother? Psychology admits that the fault is the desire to “be needed” for your child. Such a desire signals that there is a complex of lack of demand, and most importantly, dislike for themselves on the part of parents.

In such a situation, thoughts begin to appear that if no one needs me, then I exist in vain. Instead of rejoicing at the successes and independence of their children, parents begin to take offense and form more and more bans. It is precisely because of this that conflict situations often arise.

Many parents believe that if they do not control their child, then he will certainly begin to make mistakes. On the one hand, this point of view is absolutely true. However, it is worthwhile to understand that the child will commit them anyway. Otherwise, it’s impossible. To learn not to do stupid things, a teenager must first do them and remain dissatisfied with the results.

Adequate prohibition approach

Teen hates mother? To prevent such situations from arising, we must immediately figure out where the bans are needed and where not. For example, you can allow you to experiment with cooking if the kitchen does not have anything poisonous. You can fix the bike too. But you should not contact the outlet, it is dangerous.

You must understand that to achieve something worthwhile can only be done first hand. And for a child to acquire it, parents should not constantly interfere with tips and tricks. Simply determine what is dangerous and what is not. And if in the first case control is necessary, then with the second the child is able to figure it out on his own.

An unenviable fate awaits the child

Where does the fear arise that the fate of a child without constant supervision will necessarily be bad? The causes of fears are usually the same for all parents. If the family has a girl, then ahead of her lies an early pregnancy, drugs and prostitution. The boy will certainly get into crime, begin to constantly fight and will also take drugs.

In such a situation, the question arises whether control will help avoid such a fate. Definitely it is impossible to answer. In some situations this saves, but in others, on the contrary, it pushes everything bad. No wonder they say that

What strict education leads to

Hyperopeca can cause another serious danger. The child will simply get used to being controlled, constantly yanked and banned. Over time, he will no longer pay attention to the words of his parents. Accordingly, this will lead to the fact that he will begin to violate everything that is possible, especially not understanding the situation. And in this he will be guided by two principles. Either parents intervene and protect, protect from problems, or they will punish anyway, so why not.

In such a situation, he will carry out instructions from the parents in exactly the opposite way. For example, if he was told that you can’t walk without a scarf in winter, he will definitely try to go out without him. And if you don’t get sick, and there will be no problems because of this, then other parental prohibitions do not carry any meaning.

It may seem that an undressed scarf and drugs are too distant things from each other. But in the children's psyche they stand side by side with each other, since, according to parental rules, almost everything is forbidden. Accordingly, in such a situation, reasonable boundaries cease to be developed. And that is why I so want to break the bans.

Is it empty?

What if the daughter hates the mother? Or maybe the son experiences negative feelings towards parents? Outbreaks of aggression can also appear from scratch when prohibitions with restrictions are reasonable and few in number, and peace and order reign in the family. Such situations, although rare, do occur.

It must be understood that sooner or later the child will enter the big world and try to take a certain place in it in order to avoid collisions with difficulties. After all, problems with peers can be quite painful.

In such a situation, children will begin to frustrate their parents, because you can’t conflict with classmates, you can run into even bigger problems. And parents obviously will not answer the same. And loving mothers are not at all capable of displaying negative emotions about their children. Such situations are offensive, wrong, but it happens.

However, it is not worth talking about the fact that parents are completely innocent in such situations. Firstly, the child subconsciously understands that the cause of many problems in relations with classmates is the result of education. And secondly, assuming rudeness in relation to yourself, you can once hear the phrase: "I hate my mother." Similar situations are paradoxical, but they do happen.

In families where it is customary to treat each other with respect, reasons for such phrases usually do not arise. Often this happens only if the mother initially put herself in the position of “servant”.

Solution of problems

I hate my mother, what to do? To cope with such a manifestation of aggression, it is necessary to change the position. But this is not so simple, since you need to work on yourself, to revise the principles and your own behavior. Moreover, both adults and children will have to change.

On the other hand, children's emotions need a way out. Therefore, it is not recommended to attach great importance to negative manifestations. But this is allowed only if there is an opportunity to talk, discuss what happened, find out about the true reasons. This situation is ideal, because the parents will calm down and the child will be aware of their feelings.

Finding a way out of the situation

What if a child hates a mother? Regardless of the difference in character, bad relationships, it is almost impossible to stop loving mom. However, due to conflicts and constant quarrels, life turns into a nightmare. For this reason, we must try to find a way out of the situation.

Most importantly, do not forget that the mother will not hurt, spoil life on purpose, only because she wants it. She just thinks that all her actions are beneficial, and in the future you will thank her for this.

Below are some tips that will help to deal with the situation, to resolve the conflict.

1. You just have to talk heart to heart. Try to convey to her that you appreciate the care, are grateful for the assistance provided, but you need a completely different one, want to achieve other goals, and not those that your mother sets for you.
2. In no case should you break loose or say bad words. Such behavior will only exacerbate the situation. And mom will only get more painful and offensive from this.
3. If you are an independent person and do not want to be constantly influenced by your parents, find a way to prove it. Start making money, live separately. In such a situation, it will be possible to avoid constant monitoring by the parents and acquire personal space. Yes, and free time can be spent at your own discretion.
4. Perhaps mom considers herself lonely? Make her feel needed, help find the meaning of life. Perhaps she just needs a friend with whom to walk, talk about pressing matters. It may turn out to find her a hobby. The main thing is that in her life there should be as little space as possible for negative emotions.

What should parents do?

Firstly, you can’t command your children all the time, constantly demanding something from them, psychologically crushing. It is best to try to find a compromise, agree with each other, carefully listen to the opinion of the child. Naturally, he will agree with your point of view, but anyway, there will be a grudge inside that will later make itself felt.

Secondly, do not forget that children have their own lives. She needs to be interested. Do not avoid communicating with the child, learn about his experiences and help with advice. There should be no ridicule, even if the problems seem commonplace and stupid. For children, all their troubles look global, crisis. Therefore, they need help and support. And if all this does not happen, then they will not experience positive emotions for parents.

Thirdly, it is necessary to try to find a common language with the child, to become a friend for him, having accepted all the shortcomings and advantages. Parents just need to feel in the body of a teenager. Having felt all the grievances experienced, overestimating difficult situations, you can form a wonderful relationship. But do not forget that it is necessary to work constantly in order to maintain relations.

Conclusion

Mother hate daughter or son? Do not treat this event as a tragedy. This is just an indicator that there are problems in the relationship, and you need to deal with them, look for a way out of the situation.

Remember that there are two settings - children's and adult. In the first case, parents are scared and offended. And this only exacerbates the current situation. In the second case, parents are trying to deal with the problem. Which setting is close to you? But it is safe to say that if the problem is not solved, then you will have to hear the phrase: “I hate my own mother!”

Here it is, happiness ... So all mothers think, for the first time taking their baby in their arms. However, time passes, periods of “tummies” and “little teeth” are replaced by bumps and bruises, followed by strikes about studies and the first romantic (and not so) experiences.

And when it seems that the child has finally matured, an unpleasant surprise awaits many: it turns out that the popular wisdom “little children are little poor” is completely fair. Your adult son began to cause you much more trouble than in childhood.

Rudeness and stealth

More often, mothers complain about the rudeness of their sons and their secrecy. A young man or man categorically does not want to trust them with their experiences, but the mother’s heart is sensitive and senses all the changes in the life and behavior of his beloved child. Patience is enough for a couple of days, but then from the mother’s side, and sometimes do not stop, attempts to talk heart to heart.

Everything seems to be normal, because the questions are completely innocent - “how are you” or “what happened”, and the time is right, right after dinner ... But for some reason, the son is silent at first, and after a while he starts to dare or openly be rude, and only tears come Mom’s eyes stop him for a short while. What's wrong?

The solution to the problem of rudeness is simple: remember that you are a girl and he is a boy. The difference in age or social status does not mean anything at all; the masculine or feminine principle is nature itself. And she endowed her creations not only with a different set of chromosomes, but also with completely different hormonal levels.

Men due to testosterone and adrenaline are more impatient, aggressive and unstable. “Pour out your sorrows” is for the young ladies, and not for the sons of Mars: they are generally sure that talking about peace of mind is complete nonsense, and this is not considered a problem.

Now let's practice: imagine that you are being bothered with the question “Why wash the dishes?” You hinted three times that the topic is not interesting to you, moreover, you are terribly tired. The question is repeated again, but with a different sauce: “Why wash the dishes?”, And ten more times.

How will the test of your patience end? Either run away or “explode” and send your opponent somewhere, but away from you. So the adult son feels after “how are you” and “what happened”.

What to do? Be patient and remember that your child is already an adult. He can solve his problems on his own, and heart-to-heart talk to men is deeply alien. It is clear that such a simple action is difficult to perform, but a normal mother has a very trained nervous system.

You will have to put yourself and your feelings first in the first place from the end, and make an obvious and very unpopular decision - not to interfere in the personal life of a man, even if he is your son.

Does not want to work, requires money

How are the classics - “horses die from work”? And you, mother, are still alive? .. Believe me, your parasite son knows very well that in any case he will receive food and shelter, even if he does not do anything. After all, you love him so much that you forgive absolutely everything! Dear baby, he simply did not reach the understanding that a man should provide for his family, he has such poor health ...

And the nerves are really bad, he always suffers from failures in finding a job ... The boss, an ugly type, didn’t forgive him even the little things ... Is that familiar? Apparently, yes. Like? If “no” - look for a way out, if “yes” - continue to feed and love, hoping for the best.

What to do? First: first we finish susyukat. The child has taken shape physically and mentally, ready for all situations, including the fact that he can support himself and help you. This is important to understand. Second: mercilessly break the comfort zone that envelops your son. To do this, we change our behavior, preferably dramatically - we stop indulging in whining and at least cut portions for lunch.

The most important thing: be sure and demonstratively reduce your labor activity! Let him wash his socks, wash the dishes and cook, if your cooking has ceased to suit him. Otherwise, it will grow dirty and lose weight a little, and after listening to your complaints for the hundredth time for lack of time and money, at least start to run outside and breathe fresh air.

In addition to jokes: a woman, even if she is a mother, is obliged to keep a man in good shape precisely because of his weakness, otherwise his credo may not be left with anything. Say hard? But it works.

Started to study, but suddenly stopped going to classes

What is the reason? I liked it - I didn’t like it ... Do not believe it, but it is so! Men always do only what they want, unlike women who do what they owe, literally in the "background", without even noticing. Do you think a lot about dishes when you wash them? Surely singing songs or remembering that you have not done it yet.

A man is completely surrendered to any occupation, with all his soul and body. If he doesn’t like it, and the background mode “feminine psyche” doesn’t turn on, the representative of the stronger sex starts to download like a first-grader and run away from an unpleasant business or sabotage his performance.

What to do? Try to help your son find attractive aspects of his studies. Naturally, from his point of view, and not from yours. You know your child, you know his system of material and spiritual values. It sounds pompous, but in fact you can’t say better. For example, he loves sports cars. Strengthen motivation, first give the model of the right brand, let him admire.

Wait a moment, then drop a couple of phrases like: “You know, today I saw Vitina’s mother. He had already graduated from studies and he was hired, gets decent. Going to buy a car ... How quickly time flew by! ”Or something like that, but always with a light sigh at the end and a phrase about time.

For what? Your son will think a little about the car, and with Vitya they generally studied in the same class, and your marks were better. And then there’s "time flew by quickly." Conclusions: it is no worse, and even much better than Viti (rivalry), you need to study (or you won’t see the desired machine), and some discomfort with studying is worth it, especially since the time for the diploma will pass very quickly (the comfort zone has been restored). So the circuit is simple.

My son does not move away from the computer, constantly playing

Life in the virtual world attracts with endless possibilities, and almost no effort is required, unless you click the mouse ... If "in real life" your adult son is dissatisfied with himself, does not receive or is not able to receive what he (in his opinion) deserves, then leave in virtuality is natural.

Toys with gorgeous graphics, friends and clans, omnipotence. Even if they kill - it does not matter, there are lives in reserve; the girl went to the opponent - nothing, a lioness from a neighboring pride has been building eyes for a long time ...

All problems in the painted world are solved simply, unlike the present, and nothing is scary. Moreover: even the name is made up, you can change it at any time, and no one will recognize you. Mistakes are forgiven, retribution is symbolic, and life is eternal. Who will refuse such a thing? That's why adult sons choose the game to extend the period of irresponsibility and impunity, as in early childhood. Why?

Because they are afraid of the irreversibility, so characteristic of the real world. You can’t return the deceased friend, the girl went to another and don’t return either, years pass and change the world, which will never be the same. Scary to say. But forever playing hide and seek with oneself does not work, sooner or later you have to come up and look into the eyes of reality. Cowardice is the worst sin. So said Yeshua at Bulgakov, and this confirms life.

Of course, you shouldn’t talk just as hard with your son about his temporary weakness, but the truth is that your child is afraid to live. What to do? Remember the cases when you punished him for his mistakes or criticized his appearance, compared (not in his favor) with other boys. Perhaps you are too overbearing mom, repeatedly infringing on his independence and eventually got a computer zombie ...

If it’s not too late, try to awaken a taste for life in your son. Remember that he really loves and cherishes, and remind him of this without criticizing and merging into his present world. To get started, just put fragrant tea and something tasty next to your computer that smells good, and leave silently.

The smell can be felt without looking at the bun, and a little distraction from the game. Next time, stay, exchange a couple of phrases.

Everything resembles taming, small steps to restore confidence. And if the son will trust you, then he will: first, by the handle, like a small one, and then into life.

Then let him go by himself, and you will rejoice for the adult son ... Good luck to him and - to you.

I am 68 years old. I had three children. Twin girls and a son whom I gave birth at 37 years old. my daughter died, it’s very difficult for me to come to terms with this terrible grief, but life goes on. My second daughter has been living in Germany for 20 years, and I live as a son. Two years ago, my granddaughter / daughter of a deceased daughter dies, and my great-grandson remains with me. He was 6 years old yesterday. I have a problem with my son. Whatever I did, he provokes a violent negative reaction in him and he insults me mimicking. I am a disabled person of 2 groups who walk very badly and are very fat, but I work, I am engaged in translations and tutoring. My son is a lawyer by profession, does not smoke, does not drink, and recently began to live with a girl. I am very happy about this, because I always asked God about it. The girl is good and I try to be on the same level. But my son is very disrespectful to me. He’s annoyed by everything in me and he doesn’t need to insult me \u200b\u200bwith obscenities, but his great-grandson hears all this and says don’t cry, Granny, when I grow up I will protect you. I understand it is necessary to live, but all sorts of thoughts come to mind. I only need to use my money, and I don’t feel sorry for anything, but I am also a person and I want at least some kind of support. I would really like to talk and get some advice from those who have already encountered such a problem .....
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Olga Leonidovna, age: 68 / 08/29/2015

Feedback:

Nick, age: 08/30/2015

Hello! Perhaps your son should separate and live separately. You are such a fine fellow that you are raising a great-grandson boy, I hope that over the years he will become your support and support. Take care of yourself! God bless you!

Irina, age: 08/30/2015

Hello, I sympathize with you very much. As I understand it, your son is already an adult. Maybe invite him to live separately? If he is so annoyed by communication with you. Perhaps this would be the best option. The great-grandson is your great consolation, young children are so responsive. Ask God for strength to help you, probably no one else. Forgive me for not advising anything sensible, I just wanted to express my sympathy, since she herself faced such problems.

Anna, age: 08/30/2015

Calm down, don’t worry. Your family needs you, so don’t commit suicide. Your son behaves inappropriately. You need strength to raise a great-grandson, he loves and appreciates you. You need work. I hope that your experiences will decrease.

Kolya, age: 08/31/2015

Dear Olga Leonidovna, look at this situation from a different point of view: from the point of view of your son’s mental health. Do not be alarmed, there is nothing reprehensible in my phrase. After all, you probably remember that once, maybe for a long time, your son was not so unbalanced in relation to you, capricious, arrogant and irritable? Remember? Where does that come from? I see two options for the development of events: once he committed an incorrect act (for example, went to study or work in the wrong place), which entailed a number of unpleasant internal psychological problems for him, and these problems turn out to be unsolvable for him, except how to live with They are tormented by them. Here he is tormented, not understanding how to cut this Gordian knot in order to feel like a normal happy person, as once before. He resolves his internal conflict at the expense of the most patient (possibly kind and gentle) person. - you.
   .For significant people around him, he cannot show his psychological failure. He is polite and correct. If you find his inner conflict and help him resolve it, you will make him happy and calm and provide yourself with a calmer life. In general, this is work psychologist-psychotherapist, if I’m not mistaken. You may not be able to do it. The second option is the biochemistry of the brain and, as a result, such irritability, intolerance, so far to those close and patient, and then it can go to strangers in the transporter e, on the street, on those who can’t fight back. This is a mental disorder that can be treated by psychiatrists. There can be many reasons for such violations of brain biochemistry. Everything is treated. Do not hesitate, contact doctors, psychologists and psychotherapists. You will certainly be helped to understand with this problem. I wish you good health and good health.

Lyudmila, age: 65 / 30.08.2015

Your story touched me so much! how much has happened to you .. to survive so many losses ((((I don’t know why your son treats you like this .... maybe he really needs to live separately? or you and your great-grandson - separately from them .... I wish you good health and your great-grandson, and your daughter, and your son! may the Lord give him wisdom and love ... and you .. peace and joy !! in no case leave your great-grandson !!! hold on, Dear Woman! The Lord is with you !

Marina, age: 38 / 08/30/2015

In fact, what she saw by her mother and her entourage - strong, active, imperious women care too much for their sons in childhood and youth, and this manifests itself in different ways. Someone controls every step, call, hates all the girlfriends of his son. Someone says, even if in front of my eyes, while consciously and not consciously pressing on a young family, still showing who the true owner is here.

Release your son, finally, in a solitary voyage, where he will be the master, and not you. You don’t need to use your resources, leave them to yourself and your great-grandson, and let the young ones live on their own resources, it’s time already! Set aside yourself better at a sanatorium or at sea with a boy!

Many people, being born in fact, remain in the psycho-emotional plane in the umbilical cord of the mother. So, the parents of your son, please now as a mature man who is responsible for himself and the family that he created. For your earnings, your decisions. If he allows disrespect, then he must leave and be the master. How can. But without you.

Alina, age: 08/30/2015

Olga Leonidovna, how hard it is for you. I did not encounter such a problem because of my age; I am younger than you. But I observed similar situations in some families. Poor attitude of grown sons to mothers. And it was like this: a mother gives everything, sacrifices everything for the sake of her son, and he behaves ungratefully, is rude, rude, offends and even beats. And mother suffers everything. Should I bring the situation to this? This is probably a question of ingratitude. And it seems to me that a person must be stopped. You cannot leave the situation as it is. This is harmful both for you and for your son. Because further it could be worse. Can you part? You have fulfilled your maternal duty, raised it, and you are not obliged to live together. If he doesn’t like living with you, let him live separately. Builds his life as he sees fit. And you will not interfere with him. And, of course, the little child sees everything, and this is not good for him. Because now he says so, and then he can simply lose respect for you, because they learn evil more quickly than good
  Is it possible to talk with your daughter, maybe she will somehow help you? Maybe you could move to her, or otherwise solve this issue with her help?

Olya, age: 42 / 08/31/2015

Thanks to everyone. Son 2 years while working in Moscow rented an apartment. But now the company has burst and he decided to work at home through. He provides legal services, representation in courts. He does not want to work in Moscow and rent an apartment there. Moreover, he began to live with the girl and also persuaded her to quit and work just like him. The girl is golden, but she is still young and looks into his mouth and listens to him unconditionally. And I can’t live with my daughter in Germany. It is in this country that only legal stay is required, neither a sick mother nor any other opportunities can I get permission to stay in Germany for more than 90 days a year. But I made a decision for myself - to stop giving money. I have a great-grandson, and its development is very, very expensive. Because of my legs, I can’t take him to mugs and go to Moscow to a circus, a zoo, etc. But this does not mean that he doesn’t exist anywhere. A kid happens everywhere, but I have to pay a nanny for everything. And it costs it's pretty decent money. And now the question is being solved about my surgery for barium plastic (this is suturing the stomach) and money is also needed here and it is unfortunate that my son has no moral involvement. Of course, I myself am to blame for everything, but you won’t return time back. According to the horoscope, my son is the Bull, Aries and all the nigot inherent in this sign in full he has. He is enraged by my condition that I can barely walk, mimics, my fullness annoys him greatly. Nowhere to go and I have to drink this cup. When I met such students, I was terrified and could never think that I would also have to feel all this on myself.

Thank you. Of course, it’s only myself who is to blame and it’s clear that I can’t return back. I continue to pretend that I did not notice his insults and humiliation of me - there is simply no other way out. He liked living at my expense. But that's enough, I won’t keep him any longer, after all, he’s already 30 and he has a specialty. He rented an apartment when he worked. Now the company has burst and they have cut everyone, but in Moscow you can find a job, though now you have cut your salaries very much, but All the same, the lawyer will receive 50,000 rubles. But for this you need to get up early every day and go by train for an hour and a half to Moscow and back as much. He persuaded his girl to work at home on a computer. And he doesn’t see that it’s time to grow up and support himself. And he always blames me that there is not enough money, here one or another acquaintance gave normal parents and an apartment and bought a car and you Who? And mimics how I walk. I move with great difficulty, my legs hurt, disability group 2. And I still have to put my great-grandson on my feet.

Olga Leonidovna, age: 68 / 08/31/2015

Dear Olga Leonidovna, I sympathize with you, not a single mother deserved such a boorish attitude. It’s time to let go of your own independent swimming, don’t give any money ... it’s just amazing how step by step you can allow such rudeness towards yourself. With your love and care, you put him on your neck, it seems to me that you need to decisively put all the points to voice that he is an adult and at this age people already take care of their children and help their parents. It’s a shame to take money from a woman at the age of 30, not like her mother. Do not insult yourself in any case. Hug you and hope you make a difference.

Anna, age: 08/31/2015

Hello! I am that same mother. I am 40 years old, married a second time, my second child was recently born. Son 20. A student at the Moscow Higher Technical School, brilliantly admitted, the elder and authority among peers.
The situation lasts about a year, it all started with the neglect of my husband (a delicate and gentle person), with distancing himself from all members of the family (sitting in his room, not talking to anyone, or even greeting). Everyone is tolerant and friendly towards him, we give him pocket money, he does almost nothing at home (he promises and does not fulfill). The main thing that studies, does not drink, does not smoke, does not walk.
  In the last month, the situation has escalated to the limit. The son says that he cannot be in public, he hates everyone, from him aggression is rushing. He also stopped going to college - he cannot communicate with anyone. He dreams of living alone, but for a rented apartment you need to work. But he also can’t work, he says that his nerves are at the limit. From his room a muffled mate, knocks are constantly heard - so he dumps energy. Talking with him for a long time does not work, he blames me for everything - I look at him not like that, I say not like that. Today he said that he hates me, because I do not want to help him. And how to help a person who himself does not want to do anything. In response, I just heard - everyone blames me for everything, I am to blame for everything. You start to analyze the situation with him, it breaks down to a cry. Please be quiet, because the child is sleeping, yelling that he is not obliged to think about any child, since ME is spread rot here. We do not hear and do not understand each other. It got to the point that all members of the family walk along the line, afraid to cause his anger. He turned into a monster, I thought that he would hit me - there was so much anger in his eyes. I always try to control myself, tactful, screaming even in childhood did not solve problems with him. And now it's just a dead end. What to do?

Hello, Hellen.

Of course, a situation that has arisen not today can hardly be resolved with the help of one written advice.

I have several assumptions and the first is what happens to your son — jealousy. As I understand it, you lived for a long time only for him, and then a husband and a small child appeared. Perhaps there were some “bells and whistles” before that, but not so obvious. This needs to be investigated in detail. Relations are always two, their equal contribution. Perhaps your attitude towards your son has changed with the advent of the baby.

And further. According to your letter, it seems that you would not want him to experience certain emotions, anger, for example. But this is unreal. Emotions are uncontrollable. Managed by their manifestation. And the way your son manifests himself is quite normal. He does not hit anyone, does not mutilate. Closes in his room and relieves stress. It is not clear why this makes you walk along the line?

Of course, it is important to analyze the situation in more detail. Come with your son for a consultation if, of course, he agrees. Or come alone to understand your contribution to what is happening. I will be glad to help you.

Respectfully,

Hello, Hellen! Please listen carefully - the situation is really serious BUT no psychologist will help you with this - only a psychiatrist! Believe me, I myself work in a tandem with a psychiatrist, and this kind of case is quite common in practice - your son is most likely to have a mental disorder (it’s quite possible that the schizophrenic spectrum! - This is indicated by its disruption, social maladaptation - can not learn and work; immersion in your reality, bouts of aggression ...) - and the longer you drag with the treatment and the worse your situation and yours will be, since it will not be safe for you and the more its defect will develop t !!!

This behavior is NOT normal and NOT a mature, mentally healthy person !!!

And that is precisely why you do not find a common language with him - and you will not find !!!

By working with a psychologist you will NOT only not improve the situation, how much the other way round you can aggravate it!

Contact either the PND at your place of residence, if you want to consult a doctor in a chat manner, call - I can give the coordinates of a psychiatrist (PhD in medical sciences, an employee of the Psychiatric Research Institute) - he will be able to diagnose and prescribe treatment (remember, treatment is necessary)!

Hellen, your son is behaving perfectly in the situation. You are used to controlling yourself in life, but he is different! He has a lot of things from his own dad. Does he have a relationship with his father? For boys of any age, this is important.

Mom got married (read - betrayed dad, and even himself), your child was born - naturally, he received less attention. Aggression began around this time? And since he is still deprived of love (daddy), then the reaction is violent, it is possible that all the brilliant indicators in his studies and social life were not given to him simply. What is in sight does not always correspond to what a person feels. It’s difficult for a guy emotionally. No one knows what happened at the institute ... Son’s strength is running out. Being good is hard. So it suits you demarches - but love me like that!

"Please be quiet because I’m sleeping childyelling that he is not obliged to think about some child "... And he is right - the child is not his, but he himself is the child, just the oldest. Notice, he is the first thing that is important to emphasize, but not in the sense of "you have to do this and that."

I am engaged in systemic family therapy (according to the method of B. Hellinger) - an effective method that allows you to see unconscious dynamics in the family, clan. Come first to see, and after accepting, you yourself will work on the request, for example, "me and my son." The first husband will come up, and some kind of "monster" about whom you write.

About a psychiatrist - leave no comment ...